Answers. Resolution. Closure. Validation. Vindication. Justice. We all yearn for these things to be real in our lives. It hurts terribly when these things elude us. A resolved past empowers us to deal with the present with confidence; it motivates us to deal with the difficult, sad, bad and even tragic things that may befall us. The agony of being without resolution is fighting shadows and unseen enemies that we are aware of and experience but that remain a puzzling mystery. Life is full of pain but when this pain does not result in resolution and mysperies continue, the agony intensifies.
For example, in the years I've spent socially networking with families with missing loved ones, the basis of their nightmares lies not in losing a loved one but in not knowing where that loved one is or what has happened to that loved one. It's the gnawing pain of wondering, wondering, wondering. You don't know, for certain, that your loved one is alive though you desperately hope that is true. You wonder, if they are alive, if they are suffering, are being starved, tortured or enslaved. If your loved one's disappearance is an unexplained one, you wonder how it happened and who is responsible. And if you have an idea what happened but can't confirm it, the craving for justice won't go away. I make no pretense of claiming to identify with this nightmare nor would I wish it to happen to any one. I write these things out of observation of those living this reality and out of empathy.
However, I know very well the agony of having no answers or resolution to an unexplained past that continues, to this day, to haunt my present but in an entirely different way from families with missing loved ones. I'm talking about the anguish of living with an undiagnosed condition that alters the way I think, see and relate to the world, others and myself and the way the world sees me. I grew up thinking differently, acting differently and and learning differently. Adults, frustrated with me and seeing me merely as a "problem child" in need of a "good whipping," often reacted unkindly to me. When I was a young child, one babysitter would lock me in closets and put soap in my mouth. When my mom took me to kindergarten, at the end of the day the teacher said to her, "You have the worst-behaved child I have ever seen." My mother's ex-husband would spank me and tell her, "What an animal you have raised." Adults would tell me things like, "You're spoiled rotten," "You're bad," "You're lazy," "You are selfish and self-centered," "You don't want to learn," "You won't amount to anything." My peers often bullied me, calling me names and taunting me. One year, their bullying got so vicious and relentless that I was removed from the school in question. As I was for much of my childhood, I was once again placed in special classes and other settings where the curriculum was always watered-down and I remained there for the rest of my school years. I felt deprived of both an education and a childhood and entered adulthood with a shame-based identity and no vision for the future and spells of depression.
In the course of time, my beautiful, precious daughter was born. As a baby and toddler, she showed the same distance in human relationships and some of my other behaviors. She was offically diagnosed with a sub-type of autism. It was not until then that we knew anything about autism spectrum disorders (ASDs). Prior to this, all our family knew about autism was media coverage of and my encounters with children or adults, without speech or other basic life skills, who had classic, severe autism. This type of autism has been recognized for years, if not understood. The autism spectrum has been around for not much longer than a decade and the American Psychiatric Association (APA), as I already blogged in an earlier post, are planning changes in the autism spectrum criteria that may hurt many in the autism community. From what I understand, those who already are offically diagnosed on the spectrum can keep their diagnoses; the ones who will most likely be affected by this new DSM-5 will be those seeking future autism screenings. My daughter, because of her diagnosis, is experiencing success that I doubt she would have experienced without it. She is high-functioning and is doing well in school and in her studies, especially in math (so unlike me, her mom). She is happy, loved, fun and has much love to give. As for me, it took several years before I figured out that I grew up with an undiagnosed ASD. I hate a mere self-diagnosis but it may be my only tool to get any closure for myself, as I have not been able to find someone to grant me an autism screening.
And so, as an adult, and not only offline and in-person but online, I continue to experience lots of misunderstandings in my relationships and failed relationships. People continue to react unkindly to me. All this would be easier to take and deal with if I had the benefit of an official diagnosis that could confirm my suspicians and empower me to move forward with peace of mind and confidence. Online, where I have been spending much time supporting other people's causes, I have experienced failed relationships and misunderstandings. I have gone through another such incident this very past week. All this screams for answers, resolution and closure.
April is commonly know as Child Abuse prevention Month. But did you also know that April is also Autism Awareness Month? For autism, wherever a person falls along the spectrum, is a neurological condition unlike most others. Diagnosed or undiagnosed, it affects the way that we see and relate to the world, ourselves and other people. Autism also affects the way people see us and relate to us. This is the daily reality that my daughter and I, and many others, live with on a daily basis. There are many conditions and diabilities that profoundly affect people emotionally and their circumstances but not in the way that autism and other neurological conditions do. Just recently, a former Facebook friend cut all ties with me, citing my "passive-aggressive ways," my "insistence on my own way in all things" and that "my personality quirks" "turn everyone off."
If you have few ties to autism, whether through having a loved one on the spectrum, being on the spectrum yourself or through working in the field of autism, you may not see the need to worry about the threat to the autism spectrum diagnosis or why I'm making a big deal of the need for a proper diagnosis for this condition. This matter troubles many of us in the autism community because this can take us back to the days when a lack of a diagnosis meant inappropriate interventions or no support, understanding or services. It can take us back to the time when our differences were seen purely as moral and personality defects and we were ostracized and dismissed. This is unacceptable. And society does not benefit from this either. Undiagnosed people are people with unmet needs. When deep needs are not met, people often tend to be filled with anger and frustration, even rage, and take this out on society. Such people may visit you and your family in forms you may not want. Striking out at a society that does not understand them or welcome them, they may commit heinous or violent cimes that result in missing people or school or workplace shootings. Aside from the moral obligation to care for these individuals, we should worry about this matter because it may fight crime. Even more, it will result in people being empowered to contribute to society and pay taxes.
http://www.change.org/petitions/dsm-5-committee-dont-reduce-the-criteria-for-an-autism-spectrum-condition-in-the-dsm-5
This is the petition, started by Global Regional Asperger's Syndrome Partnership (GRASP) which is addressed to the American Psychiatric Association, appealing to them to preserve the current criteria for getting an autism spectrum diagnosis. I urge all of you to sign, even if to simply support autism awareness. Every signature counts!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
National Child Abuse Prevention Month: What is That?
I'm sure that if you have spent any amount of time on social networks, you have hear about a movement called the Army of Angels and about the campaign, National Child Abuse Prevention Month (NCAPM), which is not much over a week away. This movement and this campaign have been going on for several years, though I'm new to this. You may have been urged to become part of this movement and to become an "Angel in Action." You may have heard about the founder and leader of this movement, Kathleen de Spain Moore and may have "friended" her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or have "liked" her popular Facebook page. You yourself may serve as one of those "Angels in Action." And if you do, you may be able to add to what I am about to write and share your experiences. Whatever the case is and your relationship with this movement, there are a number of things I would like you to consider.
If you are unfamilar with NCAPM or the Army of Angels, you probably, understandably, wonder what the fuss is all about. NCAPM is actually a series of organized events that are designed to bring awareness to child abuse and to facilitate ways to prevent and end it in the communites all over the US. High-profile people whom most of you probably know, will be involved, such as Marc Klaas, father of murdered Polly Klaas, and Mark Lunsford, father of murdered Jessica Lunsford and other well-known people. These two fathers any many others "everyday people," are planning to travel, cross-country, on motorcycles. They plan to travel and make stops at designated areas. There are organized events, and they will include things such as fellowship, music, food (specifically barbeque), games, presentations and much media involvement, specifically on the part of the HLN network and its prime-time talk show hosts.
Many of you may be justifiably wondering, as I tend to, just how will these events and all the festivities and media blitz ACTUALLY help combat the terribly HUGE problem of child abuse? After all, child abuse (and other forms of abuse) most often take place inside the walls of homes, schools, and inside other settings. How will NCAPM reach into these settings to where people are hurting? How will their awareness efforts work? What is going to be done to reach the families that are identified to be "at-risk" and who face the stressful circumstances that so often cause adults to snap and to commit acts of abuse or violence against children? What is going to be done to reach out to families which live in tough, crime-infested neighborhoods, where shootings, sad to say, are a regular event? In these awareness events, other than the one safety fair in California, what is going to be done to empower parents and other adults, parents, grandparents, other guardians, teachers, and others who deal most with children, to keep children safe in their homes, in their communities, and online? These are the people who are most in need of NCAPM's message. Will they, of all people, have access to these events?
According to the Army of Angels website at http://armyofangels/biz/, funds raised for NCAPM will be going to two nonprofits, Klaas Kids Foundation and to Wyn Spring Family Resource Center. Good enough. I know about Klaas Kids and I understand that they do wonderful things for children, through awareness and outreach. I don't know about Wyn Spring and so I can't comment on that nonprofit.
I don't mean to come across as saying anything negative about these well-meant events and the campaign or all the festivities that are associated with it all. My concern is that the Army of Angels cause is obviously seen as a cool, fun, glamorous cause to join and be associated with. I have had more success, on both my Facebook accounts, in recruiting people to this Army of Angels cause on the Causes site, than I have for any other cause I have recently tried to get people to join. I have had much more success in recruiting people to the Army of Angels cause on the Causes site than I have recently had in recruiting people to another child abuse cause on that site, "For the Love of A Child," which is for Childhelp, a nonprofit that gives comprehensive services in child abuse prevention and services. These services include a hotline. Childhelp does REAL things for children! Therefore, my observation of heavy Army of Angels involvement, judging from this support for their cause vs. other child abuse causes, and posts and comments I see often, can actually encourage one to lose sight of what it is supposed to be all about: to prevent and end child abuse. Child abuse prevention comes about not by awareness but by action which is taken based on what we already know. We need to get to awareness but get past it to ACTION that takes place all year long, for child abuse takes place all year long. Out efforts to prevent and end child abuse, whether done through Army of Angels or through some other means, ought to take place after April ends and the events are long over. All the blitzing about Army of Angels and all the camaraderie among those involved in it, should not make us lose sight of those whom all these efforts are supposed to help: the children.
Last night, on a prime time talk show, Marc Klaas was weighing in on the current disppearance of a 15-year-old girl; I hear him say that, in the US alone, there are half a million registered sex offenders. This does not count all those who have not been caught, and we can be sure that they are many. Violence against children happens everywhere, in the home, in schools, in the community, and online. And child abuse is intertwined with other forms of violence, as abusers have often been abused themselves and are motivated by other forms of abuse, such as partner abuse, for example. And many youthful criminals who have done heinous things, have also cited bullying, which is another word for peer abuse, as their motive. How many school shooters have been motivated by bullying and by abuse in their homes? Recently, I wrote a blog about this very topic, about how bullying has been the motive for many brutal crimes; these crimes are on the rise. Children, themselves, are getting more and more violent. In a child-centered society like ours where it is politically correct to put one's child even before one's spouse, we have startlingly many severely troubled, unhappy, angry, frustrated, empty children. When we talk about preventing and ending child abuse, we ought to talk about other forms of violence that feed into and motivate child abuse. We also can be sure that the predators and violent offenders that we detest and vilify as evil incarnate, were often abused children themselves or suffered some or other stress or trauma in their childhoods. Not always, but often.
Much abuse happens because of our broken system itself which places children in bad foster homes where they are subjected to even more abuse than was experienced in their original homes or are kept in homes where they should be removed from. Another form of child abuse happens where children are removed from good homes because of false accusations against the parents, because of the system's prejudice against parents who have disabilities, who live in the "wrong" neighborhood, or for another inapropriate reason, and most often because of custody issues between two fit parents who cannot or will not, resolve their differences. How will NCAPM these issues? Any talk about preventing and ending child abuse ought to include a discussion about how to make changes in a broken system which fails children over and over again.
Another way of preventing and ending child abuse is sharing what experience of abuse we may have suffered in childhood, for the purpose of helping others (and I include bullying, which is peer abuse). Sharing your story puts a human face on abuse, brings it home to people on how abuse feels, how it leaves emotional scars that last a lifetime, and gives others the courage to share their own stories. It demystifies abuse, including child abuse. In connection with this, the other way to prevent and end child abuse is to break the cycle of abuse in your own life, often with professional help, as so much abuse happens because the abusers have been abused.
In the meantime, what is the most obvious way to combat child abuse? Call the hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD if you suspect or know a child is being abused.
http://armyofangels.biz/
This is the website for NCAPM and, in concise terms, provides information about this movement and the campaign. It also provides Kathleen de Spain Moore's contact information, where you can contact her if you are interested in providing help with last-minute details.
http://www.childhelp.org/
This is the website for Childhelp, which provides comprehensive services for child abuse prevention, including the hotline I provided above. Accorging to Charity Navigator, this nonprofit is in debt financially and is having trouble paying its bills. So, if you are looking to give to a child abuse nonprofit that needs your $$$ and that is doing REAL things for children, I recommend giving to this one.
If you are unfamilar with NCAPM or the Army of Angels, you probably, understandably, wonder what the fuss is all about. NCAPM is actually a series of organized events that are designed to bring awareness to child abuse and to facilitate ways to prevent and end it in the communites all over the US. High-profile people whom most of you probably know, will be involved, such as Marc Klaas, father of murdered Polly Klaas, and Mark Lunsford, father of murdered Jessica Lunsford and other well-known people. These two fathers any many others "everyday people," are planning to travel, cross-country, on motorcycles. They plan to travel and make stops at designated areas. There are organized events, and they will include things such as fellowship, music, food (specifically barbeque), games, presentations and much media involvement, specifically on the part of the HLN network and its prime-time talk show hosts.
Many of you may be justifiably wondering, as I tend to, just how will these events and all the festivities and media blitz ACTUALLY help combat the terribly HUGE problem of child abuse? After all, child abuse (and other forms of abuse) most often take place inside the walls of homes, schools, and inside other settings. How will NCAPM reach into these settings to where people are hurting? How will their awareness efforts work? What is going to be done to reach the families that are identified to be "at-risk" and who face the stressful circumstances that so often cause adults to snap and to commit acts of abuse or violence against children? What is going to be done to reach out to families which live in tough, crime-infested neighborhoods, where shootings, sad to say, are a regular event? In these awareness events, other than the one safety fair in California, what is going to be done to empower parents and other adults, parents, grandparents, other guardians, teachers, and others who deal most with children, to keep children safe in their homes, in their communities, and online? These are the people who are most in need of NCAPM's message. Will they, of all people, have access to these events?
According to the Army of Angels website at http://armyofangels/biz/, funds raised for NCAPM will be going to two nonprofits, Klaas Kids Foundation and to Wyn Spring Family Resource Center. Good enough. I know about Klaas Kids and I understand that they do wonderful things for children, through awareness and outreach. I don't know about Wyn Spring and so I can't comment on that nonprofit.
I don't mean to come across as saying anything negative about these well-meant events and the campaign or all the festivities that are associated with it all. My concern is that the Army of Angels cause is obviously seen as a cool, fun, glamorous cause to join and be associated with. I have had more success, on both my Facebook accounts, in recruiting people to this Army of Angels cause on the Causes site, than I have for any other cause I have recently tried to get people to join. I have had much more success in recruiting people to the Army of Angels cause on the Causes site than I have recently had in recruiting people to another child abuse cause on that site, "For the Love of A Child," which is for Childhelp, a nonprofit that gives comprehensive services in child abuse prevention and services. These services include a hotline. Childhelp does REAL things for children! Therefore, my observation of heavy Army of Angels involvement, judging from this support for their cause vs. other child abuse causes, and posts and comments I see often, can actually encourage one to lose sight of what it is supposed to be all about: to prevent and end child abuse. Child abuse prevention comes about not by awareness but by action which is taken based on what we already know. We need to get to awareness but get past it to ACTION that takes place all year long, for child abuse takes place all year long. Out efforts to prevent and end child abuse, whether done through Army of Angels or through some other means, ought to take place after April ends and the events are long over. All the blitzing about Army of Angels and all the camaraderie among those involved in it, should not make us lose sight of those whom all these efforts are supposed to help: the children.
Last night, on a prime time talk show, Marc Klaas was weighing in on the current disppearance of a 15-year-old girl; I hear him say that, in the US alone, there are half a million registered sex offenders. This does not count all those who have not been caught, and we can be sure that they are many. Violence against children happens everywhere, in the home, in schools, in the community, and online. And child abuse is intertwined with other forms of violence, as abusers have often been abused themselves and are motivated by other forms of abuse, such as partner abuse, for example. And many youthful criminals who have done heinous things, have also cited bullying, which is another word for peer abuse, as their motive. How many school shooters have been motivated by bullying and by abuse in their homes? Recently, I wrote a blog about this very topic, about how bullying has been the motive for many brutal crimes; these crimes are on the rise. Children, themselves, are getting more and more violent. In a child-centered society like ours where it is politically correct to put one's child even before one's spouse, we have startlingly many severely troubled, unhappy, angry, frustrated, empty children. When we talk about preventing and ending child abuse, we ought to talk about other forms of violence that feed into and motivate child abuse. We also can be sure that the predators and violent offenders that we detest and vilify as evil incarnate, were often abused children themselves or suffered some or other stress or trauma in their childhoods. Not always, but often.
Much abuse happens because of our broken system itself which places children in bad foster homes where they are subjected to even more abuse than was experienced in their original homes or are kept in homes where they should be removed from. Another form of child abuse happens where children are removed from good homes because of false accusations against the parents, because of the system's prejudice against parents who have disabilities, who live in the "wrong" neighborhood, or for another inapropriate reason, and most often because of custody issues between two fit parents who cannot or will not, resolve their differences. How will NCAPM these issues? Any talk about preventing and ending child abuse ought to include a discussion about how to make changes in a broken system which fails children over and over again.
Another way of preventing and ending child abuse is sharing what experience of abuse we may have suffered in childhood, for the purpose of helping others (and I include bullying, which is peer abuse). Sharing your story puts a human face on abuse, brings it home to people on how abuse feels, how it leaves emotional scars that last a lifetime, and gives others the courage to share their own stories. It demystifies abuse, including child abuse. In connection with this, the other way to prevent and end child abuse is to break the cycle of abuse in your own life, often with professional help, as so much abuse happens because the abusers have been abused.
In the meantime, what is the most obvious way to combat child abuse? Call the hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD if you suspect or know a child is being abused.
http://armyofangels.biz/
This is the website for NCAPM and, in concise terms, provides information about this movement and the campaign. It also provides Kathleen de Spain Moore's contact information, where you can contact her if you are interested in providing help with last-minute details.
http://www.childhelp.org/
This is the website for Childhelp, which provides comprehensive services for child abuse prevention, including the hotline I provided above. Accorging to Charity Navigator, this nonprofit is in debt financially and is having trouble paying its bills. So, if you are looking to give to a child abuse nonprofit that needs your $$$ and that is doing REAL things for children, I recommend giving to this one.
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