If you use social networking sites regularly, I'm sure that you have been reading much about organized, elaborate campaigns that are meant to culminate in one-time child abuse prevention projects. These events and those involved in them, are sponsored by corporations, nonprofit organizations, groups, and many, many individuals which include high-profile child abuse advocates. To me, all this time, money which is being poured into these massive efforts, are usually very well-meant as they involve much planning, financial investment and fervent support. The involved masses no doubt believe that their involvement will help alleviate the terrible evil of child abuse and save children. Yet this is an evil that originates in the human heart of those who in the home environment. I see all these massive efforts to get people all fired up about child abuse through massive events as a kind of "Super Bowl" of child abuse prevention. It seems to send a confusing message. You have to get connected to massive movements to make a difference. To be effective, you ought to organize, form committees, raise funds for awareness materials like angel pins, green awareness ribbons and so forth. You ought to attend large-scale events (even if it means travel) and get into massive projects. So many well-meaning advocates believe that all of this is needed in order to motivate people to do the "rubber meets the road" of everyday things that we all can do, even now, to prevent and end child abuse right where we are. But do we need all of this?
Whether we need these large-scale events or not, in this blog I will simply give you those "rubber meets the road" things that all of us can do to prevent and end child abuse in our own communities. I'm just giving you a variety of examples and I'm sure you can add to my list.
1) Screen anyone whom you have babysit your children, especially if this is intended to be long-term. Interview your candidates and, if you can afford it, run background checks on them. Ask them for references, and call these references!
2) If you are standing in a line anywhere, especially a long one, and you see a young mom with young children behind you, allow them to go before you.
3) Always put your child's name on the inside, not the outside, of his or her clothing, school supplies and other possessions. This protects their privacy and blocks the ability of predators to access your child's information.
4) If you have very young children or a child (ren) with special needs and who may wander, install a lock on screen doors and especially on the front and back doors. This should prevent wandering and intruders.
5) If you have children who use the Internet for social networking, monitor what they do online. Do not let underage children (under 13) set up accounts with Facebook, YouTube, MySpace, or any other social networks for older children and adults. If you can, encourage your child to delay using social networks until they reach 18! And if they use social networks, set your child's computer in a high-traffic area like the family living room, where you can supervise easily. There is just too much online drama and too many harmful online people!
6) You are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your child. But the eyes of predators are looking for easy prey. Therefore, refrain from puuting up bumper stickers on your car windshields that proclaim, "My Child is An Honor Student," "Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout," or anything else that can give out identifying information about your child to predators.
7) Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or has a weak support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk for becoming overwhelmed, tempted to take out their frustrations on their children, rely on them for companionship or expect too much from them.
8) Your beautiful child is the apple of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget that predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos and videos of your children online and set them to "Friends Only." And I strongly discourage giving out their names if you like to put up family photos. Among all the good folks on social networks, bad ones lurk and we usually can't identify them. Better be safe than sorry!
9) We need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse and how to protect themselves from it. Child sexual abuse is a big part of child abuse. We need to make clear that our children need not keep any "secrets" from us that they may be told to keep and that their bodies are THEIRS. And it is okay to say no to unwanted touches and then report the "bad people" to their trusted adults. Silence empowers PREDATORS and we don't want that.
10) Do not discipline a child in anger. Cool down first and then take the needed action to deal with a child's bad behavior.
11) If it is for you, volunteer to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to be a voice for abused and neglected children in the system. Visit the national CASA website at:
http://casaforchildren.org/
12) If you are expecting or are pursuing adoption, ensure that you have a good support system in place, especially if you are a single parent, have a disability or other challenges that make parention extra stressful. The support will reduce the stress of parenting and lessen the temptation to abuse or neglect your children.
13) Appeal to legislators to apply funds for anger management classes and parenting classes in public high schools. Ask them to reduce the funds that are being spent on required higher math, especially algebra. After all, what is more important for students to have when they leave high school: interpersonal skills or algebraic skills?
14) Try never to allow any child 17 and younger, walk alone and to or from school, friends' houses, on errands, or for any other purpose. We have far too often heard of the terrible things that happen to children who are left unattended!
15) If you are a new parent and especially a teen whose is petrified of your new parental responsibilities, you have alternatives to eliminating your child! You can leave your baby with a responsible adult, or take your baby to a local police station or a local church. Many infertile or childless couples or singles would love to adopt your baby!
16) Child identity theft is on the rise; a child won't realize what has been done until he or she is older and applies for a job, a loan, an apartment for rent or for other goods and services. Do not give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate to anyone unless you trust them and they NEED to know these. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! Identity theft ruins reputations and lives.
17) If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.
18) If you have emotional baggage from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to work out your issues with a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a social worker, a pastor or another caring professional. In this way you will be empowering yourself for healing; you'll be freer to to meet your child's emotional needs without depending on him or her to meet yours. And, if you have a chance to do so, reach out to others and help them break cycles from their troubled pasts.
19) If you grow overwhelmed as a parent, please get help. So many cases of child abuse deaths have happened because frustrated parents or other caregivers resort to abuse or neglect and it spins out of control and ends in a child's death. And these child abuse deaths are continuing! Keep the Childhelp 24/7 hotline number handy, by your phone and refrigerator where you can see it. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1 and find alternatives to abuse.
20) If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets people up to become abusers of anyone close to you. You still love your family, of course, but your addiction is overpowering and, to sustain it, you can't help but resort to anything, even abuse or crime, to feed it. Need I say more?
21) If you are raising minor children, teach them to manage their anger, develop empathy and to resolve their conflicts peacefully. And don't treat bullying as a "rite of passage," as has been done for generations! Bullying should not be part of any child's growing up! It leaves emotional scars that resemble any other form of abuse and has been the motive for many suicides and crimes! Do not allow your children to become bullies. Childhood bullies are likely to become adults criminals. If you have concerns in this area, visit: http://www.stompoutbullying.org/.
22) Men, take responsibility for the children you father, even if you are not married to their mother. It is so unfair to get females pregnant and then abandon them to raise your children! You put the mother of your children at risk of becoming abusers of your children. And if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort.
23) If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, do not be silent. Please call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.
24) So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but we can appeal to those in power to implement laws and funds to much better protect children in the system.
25) Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about preventing and ending child abuse, we need to talk about ending all forms of abuse and work to prevent abuse of anyone at anyone at any age. Bullying should be called peer abuse and treated like any other form of abuse and not like a "phase" that all children have to go through or a "kid thing" that will not affect them in later life!
26) If you are in the position to do so, consider adopting a child. You may be rescuing a child from a home of abuse or neglect.
27) If you have a teen, strongly discourage him or her to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies. If you can afford it, run a background check on the person and insist that they meet your family. Observe how they act in different settings.
This is no complete list but you should have the concept. These are simple (not easy) actions we all can take, right where we are, to prevent and end child abuse. And, yes, in addition to implementing these things into our lives to protect children, you can feel free to connect with others who also yearn to protect children and keep this issue in front of people by participating in awareness events. One such massive movement is called the Army of Angels, which is a co-alition of corporations, nonprofit organizations, groups and many individuals. While its culmination of events is in April each year, Army of Angels has events and projects all year-long. You can find out more at: http://armyofangels.biz/.
Childhelp is the oldest and most comprehensive child abuse prevention nonprofit organization that I know of. It offers many services and ways that you can get involved, such as its 24/7 hotine, much material where you can learn about child abuse prevention, volunteer opportunities, a public school initiative to prevent and end child sexual abuse in public schools, forums for survivors to share stories about overcoming cycles of abuse in their lives to inspire others and heal themselves, and much more. And if you feel moved to share your financial resources, you can donate to this work. Visit:
http://www.childhelp.org/.
The epidemic of child abuse is so old and so big that our work to prevent and end it will never stop. This is a 24/7 and 365 days-a-year effort. Child abuse is everyone's business.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Do We Really Mean That?
"No comment."--Actually, by saying this, we DO intend to declare our opinion BUT we are unwilling to give it because either we think other people should know what it is already, we assume that they know what we think. Another reason for this one is that we don't want people to know what our actual opinion is but we definitely want them to know that we hold a strong opinion on the subject concerned. Once, on a popular talk show, a certain person was heavily criticized for her actions; a guest was discussing this person. The talk show host snorted, "No comment from me." Months ago, I saw a political post on a Facebook user's page and I saw mention of a certain politician whom I have always held a strong opinion on. In the comments area, I posted, "No comment from me about this individual."
"Never again!" Actually, we normally say this in the wake of betrayal or disappointment where we quite understandably don't want to experience that agony again. I'm sure countless divorced people and rejected lovers have said this at the time. But the fact that so many of those lovers move to new relationships and so many divorced people remarry, show that this is a phrase often said in the heat of emotion and not deliberate choice. After my most recent bad experience with a nonprofit, I said, "Never again." So far, I have stood by this, but who knows?
"I don't care." Actually, so often when we declare this, we are really striving to convince ourselves that we don't care about something that really matters to us, but which or who has let us down. There is a popular song called, "I Don't Care Anymore," and this is the refrain in the song. But if this song is true, would it actually be the case that the rejected lover is trying to convince himself that he doesn't care in order to dull or numb the pain? In a certain book, the character is depicted as declaring, in response to another friend's rejection, "I don't care." The book goes on to state that this character DID care.
"I'm fine." Actually, so often when we say this we are ANYTHING but fine. I know that this is the standard part of the answer to the greeting, "How are you doing?" Yes, a greeting. I have so often though that this converastional interchange, like much small talk, is really a waste of time and just fills the air with empty talk. And detesting small talk and doing poorly in it, is a common trait in Asperger's Syndrome and autism. Aside from this, it is dishonest to state that we are "doing just fine" when we may be anxious, depressed, ill, lonely, or have suffered a loss, trauma or tragedy. Yet can we really say how we ACTUALLY are to people whom we don't know or don't know well? Not really. But to say, "I'm fine"? Yet when we keep up this small talk in settings like close friendships, family or our comgregational settings, is not appropriate. In these settings, we should be able to be honest and open about who we are and not have to pretend. Yet even in these setting, too many of us do this.
"Don't worry." I suspect that many times we say this because, somewhere in the back of our minds, we know that there IS cause to be concerned. Or else why would we even ask a person not to worry? Normally, this reassurance is offered when there some cause for concern in a situation or the person whom we are talking to is worried about something. I well recall that when I expressed my concern to a person, "I was told, "Do not fear," and yet, I soon found that I had cause for concern in that instance. In that instance, the outcome was not a good one. So when I hear such a reassurance, I don't know if I can or should trust it or if the person knows something I don't. Or why would I be asked not to worry? Now I'm sure there are many times when "Don't worry" means that while there is cause to worry, that things will ultimately work out.
"I'm starving." Yes, I know that in even in the developed world, hunger is a reality for many people for different reasons. But among us in this part of the world, it is easy to confuse appetite and true hunger. We may say, "I'm starved" when we really mean that our appetites are turned on, especially for foods high in fat, salt and sugar. Right? I'm quite sure the vast majority of children and many adults use this phrase when hunger is not the issue. And not knowing the difference between appetite and true hunger is the reason so many people are overweight or even obese. And we know all the health risks that come with being heavy and I will not discuss them here. "Starving" actually refers to literally not getting enough food, protein, calories and even fat, to sustain existence. It IS the accurate phrase, of course, to describe the plight of countless people in Third World countries.
"Cry me a river." Actually, this is something we say when we are NOT interested in hearing about someone's woes or seeing any tears they may cry because we are convinced that they have no cause to carry on about their probems. When criminals, accused or convicted, complain about their situations or make excuses for their actions or have shed tears over their sentences, I have often heard this phrase as the indignant response.
"I need it." Actually, we often say this when we really want something and are convinced that life is not worth living if we do not get it. Even as I write this, I know that I have said this concerning things I have set my heart on that I know, deep down, I could live without if I knew how to navigate life without these things I so desire. And I know that all of of parents have often heard our children cry out about things they want, even if these are downright bad for them, "I need, I need, I need!" And yes, we, as children, we cried out even about things that are downright bad for us, "I need, I need, I need!" But wants and needs are not the same thing. Our needs are essential for our physical, emotional, and spiritual survival. Our wants may help fill our needs or they may not. And spiritual needs are often unfelt needs. For example, the Bible declares, from cover to cover, that we need to trust God. But how many of us FEEL this as a need? On the other hand, we may desire soda or sweets in the worst way, but do we NEED these?
"It's nothing." Actually, we often say this when we just don't want to talk about something that is very important to us, even of central importance to us. I know that I have said this when I did not feel comfortable talking about a subject of great importance to me. So even if someone tells us, "It's nothing," when we ask them what is bothering them, we probably should not take take that at face value. Yes, it may be the easier thing to do but it may be a serious, even fatal mistake!
"We need to talk." These words have always, in my experience, been the preamble for bad news that I was about to receive. And I suspect that this phrase is used when ACTUALLY we have to deliver bad news that the other person is not going to want to hear and so we are laying the groundwork for the delivery of our bad news. In one instance, a person sent me an email simply saying that "I need to talk to you about stuff." This person was not going to tell me that she was setting up a meeting to give me bad news but instead, just gave me the impression that this was a social thing. But when I made it to this meeting, I rapidly saw that this was no social encounter but a venue for bad news. In another instance and more recently, another person sent me an email and told me that she had to talk to me about a matter. I knew this was going to be bad news and when the person called me later, I found that I was right!
"You are great, good, beautiful, smart, talented, but----". So often, it seems that people heap compliments on us as a way to ward off a blow starting with, "but" and the "but" is usually either bad news or criticism that we know the person will not want to hear, even be devastated by. I know that this approach is often recommended when we have to give criticism or bad news and want to do it in the least hurtful way possible and soften the blow. I experienced this when a certain nonprofiit would not admit me on their team. The person contacting me heaped me with praise about my personality and character before telling me, "You application to volunteer with us has been declined." I have heard the word "but" so often be used when praising people and their qualities that often I wonder how sincere such praise is. And I know that we use the word "but" as a disclaimer in countless other contexts having nothing to do with people. Yes, I'm sure such comments may often be sincere but I can't help but wonder if "but" is being used to cancel out all the good things that were just said.
"Never again!" Actually, we normally say this in the wake of betrayal or disappointment where we quite understandably don't want to experience that agony again. I'm sure countless divorced people and rejected lovers have said this at the time. But the fact that so many of those lovers move to new relationships and so many divorced people remarry, show that this is a phrase often said in the heat of emotion and not deliberate choice. After my most recent bad experience with a nonprofit, I said, "Never again." So far, I have stood by this, but who knows?
"I don't care." Actually, so often when we declare this, we are really striving to convince ourselves that we don't care about something that really matters to us, but which or who has let us down. There is a popular song called, "I Don't Care Anymore," and this is the refrain in the song. But if this song is true, would it actually be the case that the rejected lover is trying to convince himself that he doesn't care in order to dull or numb the pain? In a certain book, the character is depicted as declaring, in response to another friend's rejection, "I don't care." The book goes on to state that this character DID care.
"I'm fine." Actually, so often when we say this we are ANYTHING but fine. I know that this is the standard part of the answer to the greeting, "How are you doing?" Yes, a greeting. I have so often though that this converastional interchange, like much small talk, is really a waste of time and just fills the air with empty talk. And detesting small talk and doing poorly in it, is a common trait in Asperger's Syndrome and autism. Aside from this, it is dishonest to state that we are "doing just fine" when we may be anxious, depressed, ill, lonely, or have suffered a loss, trauma or tragedy. Yet can we really say how we ACTUALLY are to people whom we don't know or don't know well? Not really. But to say, "I'm fine"? Yet when we keep up this small talk in settings like close friendships, family or our comgregational settings, is not appropriate. In these settings, we should be able to be honest and open about who we are and not have to pretend. Yet even in these setting, too many of us do this.
"Don't worry." I suspect that many times we say this because, somewhere in the back of our minds, we know that there IS cause to be concerned. Or else why would we even ask a person not to worry? Normally, this reassurance is offered when there some cause for concern in a situation or the person whom we are talking to is worried about something. I well recall that when I expressed my concern to a person, "I was told, "Do not fear," and yet, I soon found that I had cause for concern in that instance. In that instance, the outcome was not a good one. So when I hear such a reassurance, I don't know if I can or should trust it or if the person knows something I don't. Or why would I be asked not to worry? Now I'm sure there are many times when "Don't worry" means that while there is cause to worry, that things will ultimately work out.
"I'm starving." Yes, I know that in even in the developed world, hunger is a reality for many people for different reasons. But among us in this part of the world, it is easy to confuse appetite and true hunger. We may say, "I'm starved" when we really mean that our appetites are turned on, especially for foods high in fat, salt and sugar. Right? I'm quite sure the vast majority of children and many adults use this phrase when hunger is not the issue. And not knowing the difference between appetite and true hunger is the reason so many people are overweight or even obese. And we know all the health risks that come with being heavy and I will not discuss them here. "Starving" actually refers to literally not getting enough food, protein, calories and even fat, to sustain existence. It IS the accurate phrase, of course, to describe the plight of countless people in Third World countries.
"Cry me a river." Actually, this is something we say when we are NOT interested in hearing about someone's woes or seeing any tears they may cry because we are convinced that they have no cause to carry on about their probems. When criminals, accused or convicted, complain about their situations or make excuses for their actions or have shed tears over their sentences, I have often heard this phrase as the indignant response.
"I need it." Actually, we often say this when we really want something and are convinced that life is not worth living if we do not get it. Even as I write this, I know that I have said this concerning things I have set my heart on that I know, deep down, I could live without if I knew how to navigate life without these things I so desire. And I know that all of of parents have often heard our children cry out about things they want, even if these are downright bad for them, "I need, I need, I need!" And yes, we, as children, we cried out even about things that are downright bad for us, "I need, I need, I need!" But wants and needs are not the same thing. Our needs are essential for our physical, emotional, and spiritual survival. Our wants may help fill our needs or they may not. And spiritual needs are often unfelt needs. For example, the Bible declares, from cover to cover, that we need to trust God. But how many of us FEEL this as a need? On the other hand, we may desire soda or sweets in the worst way, but do we NEED these?
"It's nothing." Actually, we often say this when we just don't want to talk about something that is very important to us, even of central importance to us. I know that I have said this when I did not feel comfortable talking about a subject of great importance to me. So even if someone tells us, "It's nothing," when we ask them what is bothering them, we probably should not take take that at face value. Yes, it may be the easier thing to do but it may be a serious, even fatal mistake!
"We need to talk." These words have always, in my experience, been the preamble for bad news that I was about to receive. And I suspect that this phrase is used when ACTUALLY we have to deliver bad news that the other person is not going to want to hear and so we are laying the groundwork for the delivery of our bad news. In one instance, a person sent me an email simply saying that "I need to talk to you about stuff." This person was not going to tell me that she was setting up a meeting to give me bad news but instead, just gave me the impression that this was a social thing. But when I made it to this meeting, I rapidly saw that this was no social encounter but a venue for bad news. In another instance and more recently, another person sent me an email and told me that she had to talk to me about a matter. I knew this was going to be bad news and when the person called me later, I found that I was right!
"You are great, good, beautiful, smart, talented, but----". So often, it seems that people heap compliments on us as a way to ward off a blow starting with, "but" and the "but" is usually either bad news or criticism that we know the person will not want to hear, even be devastated by. I know that this approach is often recommended when we have to give criticism or bad news and want to do it in the least hurtful way possible and soften the blow. I experienced this when a certain nonprofiit would not admit me on their team. The person contacting me heaped me with praise about my personality and character before telling me, "You application to volunteer with us has been declined." I have heard the word "but" so often be used when praising people and their qualities that often I wonder how sincere such praise is. And I know that we use the word "but" as a disclaimer in countless other contexts having nothing to do with people. Yes, I'm sure such comments may often be sincere but I can't help but wonder if "but" is being used to cancel out all the good things that were just said.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
CaringEnoughToMakeADifference.com
CaringEnoughToMakeADifference.com
This website is fairly new and still needs more work, but it already has a number of good, basic features, including a number of badges and widgets for missing persons sites and sites for autism and epilepsy. And my petition, on behalf of the autism community, is available there so that it can be signed right from the site; this is ideal for those many people who are not users of social networks. Please check it out!
This website is fairly new and still needs more work, but it already has a number of good, basic features, including a number of badges and widgets for missing persons sites and sites for autism and epilepsy. And my petition, on behalf of the autism community, is available there so that it can be signed right from the site; this is ideal for those many people who are not users of social networks. Please check it out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)