What Is In A Word?

Beauty. They say that it is in the eye of the beholder. But is beauty subjective, something that is present or absent depending on our opinion of the subject of our evaluation for this trait? I know that there are different forms of beauty, including physical beauty, the beauty of how things or people look on the outside. And these can be subjective as we all have different ideas of what any form of beauty is. I know that there are the "top ten" of the "most beautiful" people, yearly in a celebrity magazine or two. But this type of beauty that is being referred to is physical beauty, how these individuals look. Frankly, when I have seen some of the "winners," I have wondered what judges saw in them. But this just proves that beauty IS subjective and that what is beauty to some people is not beauty to others. And then there are other forms of beaurty that have nothing to do with outward appearance, that is, what we call inner beauty of the heart and soul ot the beauty of how things are used. The Bible talks about the "beautiful feet" of those who bring the Gospel of God to others. Now we know that feet are normally NOT pretty to look at; often they can be downright ugly. But the beauty here is how these feet are used: to introduce something into the lives of others that will change their lives forever. As for inner beauty of the heart and soul, I was stuck, today, with an article about the woman who is titled "the ugliest woman in the world" but whose choices and attitude scream her inner beauty of heart and soul. This very moving article and the many comments to it, can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/beauty/lessons-worlds-ugliest-woman-stop-staring-start-learning-184400606.html.

Hero. We use this word very often. We use the word to refer to people who mean much to us, as in "He is my hero." This is in the sense of someone meeting the needs of another in the right place and at a critical time. For example, we often appeal to people's sense of compassion and humanity by saying, "Will you be a hero to this person?" when raising funds for children in need or appealing to the public for information to solve crimes or to bring a missing/unidentified person home. And it is used to simply refer to people we look up to, for good or not. Celebrities and athletes are frequently called "heroes" so often when people express "hero worship" for them; I have often felt that such persons are not the best people to ascribe this lofty title of hero to. And that holds true especially when they adopt, as so many do, lifestyles of drug addiction, self-indulgence or self-seeking. And then we use this word to refer to those who place themselves in harm's way on behalf of others, especially in reference to law enforcement, the military, paramedics, emergency medical technicians, firefighters, and those who serve in many other dangerous positions. And this use of the word is most appropriate. As I have heard it, a hero is one who 1) goes above and beyond the call of duty, 2) risks himself/herself to serve the higher good of others  and 3) does things that he or she would NOT be criticized for if he or she chose not to do these things. A couple of years ago, for example, Headline News Network (HLN) was doing a "Heroes" segment. The featured couple were employees who worked at a local McDonalds; they had both, WITHOUT training or protective gear, had run into a burning building to save the lives of a family. They are heroes by anyone's defintion! However, is this trait something that is within reach of each of us? The way that I have heard it, the choices we make in the small things will determine how we would react in a situaton where we would be called on to show the trait of heroism.

Survivor. We use that word more and more today. People who have battled cancer call themselves cancer survivors. People who have had heart attacks or strokes call themselves heart attack or stroke survivors. People who have experienced crimes of any kind call themselves crime survivors. People who have experienced abuse of any kind call themselves abuse survivors. We can go on and on. When this word is used, of course, what comes to mind are people who have experienced situations of life and death and have lived through them. But this word is also frequently used by so many people to give validation and closure to lives of adversity and hardship. It is an empowering word that gives meaning to things that would otherwise have no meaning and give one motivation and courage to face life and people than if you see what has happened to you as merely a random set of events without rhyme or reason. Survivor is a title that many people in my online networks give themselves and if their identity. When I was growing up or even in early adulthood, I do not remember so many people calling themselves survivors. But in this age of information and awareness about all different forms of crime, abuse, illnesses and disabilities, this word is being more widely used by many of of us to describe our pasts. This is in contrast to the past when many things were shrouded in shame, stigma and a code of silence. Of course, in an ideal world we would not have to call ourselves survivors of anything. But we do not live in that kind of world and most of us need the validation that will empower us to face life and people with confidence.

Friend. Oh how often we use this word! We often use it to refer to people whom we know or don't know well, just because they may happen to go to the same congregation, go to the same school we do, work at the same job or live in our neighborhood and greet us when they see us on the street. And in this age of social networking, we use this word to refer to people whom we have added to our social networks. Friends in social network circles have access to each others' profiles. And in these social networks, the more friends we have the more people we have who are friends in name only. These are people whom we may not give a passing thought to, be able to recognize if we saw them walking down the street and may not even like them. And then we use the word friend in the Biblical sense of the word, to describe someone who loves unconditionally, protects us, stands by us, believes in us, tells us the truth and who can be trusted. Many times we use the word friend when we really mean acquaintance.All of us have far more acquaintances than friends and can probably count on one hand the number of friends we actually have. And it works both ways, to build a true friendship we need to give trust, unconditional love, truth, loyalty and understanding, all the qualities of friendship. In thse days this word friend has become very cheap and its meaning meeds to be reclaimed. That can happen if we give and receive real friendship. Months ago, I would have said that it is impossible to build a real friendship online but I have changed my mind though I still maintain that it is very hard to do. Yes, I know that we live in a society of "lonely strangers" and that building friendships is much easier said than done.

Advocate. That word is often used. Growing up, I thought that the word referred only to people who go before politicians or others in power on behalf of others, like lobbyists. I know that such people are indeed advocates. In the Bible, Jesus calls Himself our Advocate before His Father not because He has to defend us to the Father but to defend us from Satan (yes I believe in a personal devil) who is no friend of ours. But today, now that I have entered the world of social networks and have taken up a number of causes that have bearing on my life and that of my family, I hear the word often and many in my network call themselves by this title. But recently, in a discussion thread to a blog directed to families with missing loved ones, a person said something like this: "Many people call themselves advocates when they are actually concerned citizens. This is not accurate. Anyone who calls himself or herself an advocate ought to get proper training and ought to get background checks to prove that he or she can be trusted." Yes, when it comes to many fields and needs I agree that such trainging and due diligence must be done. But, in scripture, an advocate is anyone who speaks up for the powerless and to see that their needs are met. Parents, especially when our children have special needs, call ourselves advocates for our children. Lawyers call themselves advocates for their clients. This week, though, I was speaking with a dear friend who mentioned that looking out for one person and giving ourselves to saving or helping one person, is also advocacy. Put this way, being and acting as advocates is well within the reach of each and every one of us. We just have to keep our eyes and ears open to the needs around us.

There are so many other words that have many different meanings but I picked these five words because they are commonly used in my world.

Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?