Victims and Responsibility

Today, it is very fashionable and "in" to claim to be a victim or a survivor of some adversity or another. In fact, this practice has been in vogue for decades, for quite a few years ago, I had read a book called A NATION OF VICTIMS. The author made valid points though I felt quite unsettled by much of what he asserted, and I'm sure that many, maybe most, who have read that book would be similarly affected. Indeed, we should take to heart the fact that these terms have been widely abused by many of us to duck responsibility for our actions, to gain sympathy or attention, and/or to reduce or even eliminate expectations of us or consequences for our misdeeds. It is also politically correct to never blame a personal called a victim, for anything done when victimized. "Playing the victim" is a derogatory and accusatory remark directed at anyone who is seen as "whining" about his or her "lot in life" or "bad luck."

In the current highly publicized court case, we who have been even casually following it have noted how the defendant, Jodie Arias, has been claiming to be a victim/survivor of both child abuse and of intimate partner violence. Her claims have been exposed as false by prosecution character witnesses, by the prosecution expert psychologist and by two siblings of Travis, the murder victim. Yesterday, in profoundly moving, powerful victim impact statements, Steven and Samantha Alexander paid tributes to their murdered brother, what he meant to them and how his terrible loss has devastated every area of their lives and the glue of their family life. In this case, the defendant, Jodie, has been claiming abuse, as a child and as an adult, to avoid responsibility for her actions and their consequences via gaining sympathy from the jury who had not bought her story. We know this from their "Guilty of First-Degree Murder" and "Unusual Cruelty: Proven" verdicts in the guilt and aggravation phases of this trial.

This causes me to ponder and address the issue of autism and how this abuse of the words "victim" and survivor" have created a backlash against those in the autism community and against many in the larger disability community. Let me illustrate. The accusation is often made that many in the autism community use the autism diagnosis to evade personal responsibility. This accusation is made, often, of parents who seek (and get) the autism diagnosis for their children. "You just want people to feel sorry for your child," "You want sympathy for yourself," "You are looking for excuses for your poor parenting," and even,"You are looking for an autism diagnosis to get government benefits for your child." This same accusations is often made of adults who seen an autism diagnosis later in life. It is for this reason, among others, that there is still controversy about neurological conditions with behavioral symptoms, like Autism Spectrum Disorders and Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and other such conditions. Parents are sometimes accused of using their children's diagnoses as "chemical babysitters" or as "substitutes for good parenting" when medications or therapies are used as treatment options.

There is also the practice of inducing false memories of child molestation, which is extremely scarring, with psychological effects which stay with its survivors for life. There have been cases of parents who have lost children to false allegations (whether of false memories or other things) to false accusations of child molestation. Workers with child contact have also lost their jobs for the same reasons. We all have read of numerous women who have brought forth false rape accusations against men. Many years ago, I read a book by a woman, called FORGIVE ME, who did just this; as a result of her Christian conversion years later, she recanted her story to free the innocent man who was sentenced for a rape he never committed. Any of us who even casually follow the news, hear of false rape accusations. Why are such accusations made? It is no doubt because the false accusers want sympathy and attention, as our society sympathizes with victims of rape, whether in childhood or as adults.

We all are aware of how many, many scams are brought about by playing on our compassion and generosity, whether you are talking about people falsely claiming to be cancer victims to raise money for themselves or are talking about numerous scams exploiting community tragedies to profit off misfortune. Many years ago, a woman claimed to be a 911 survivor, actually became a leader among 911 actual survivors, and raised money for this community and attracted much sympathy and accolades for her supposed "courage" and "strength" for all the "horrors she had survived." This was until one person was observant enough to see that this lady's story did not "add up" and after checking into matters this lady was exposed as a fraud. In recent years I have known of a number of women who had claimed to be cancer victims and had garnered much public sympathy and donations. Many people falsely claim to be victims, whether of natural causes like cancer, or of unnatural causes like rape--all to get attention, sympathy, even money.

Yet this very frequent practice of falsely claiming abuse, whether to get money, attention, sympathy, or to evade society's expectations or consequences, backfires. It causes a backlash against genuine victims and survivors of traumas. Those who are truly victims, whether of any form of abuse in childhood or adulthood, become more and more hesitant to share their stories and to make police reports. This is because they do not want to become re-victimized through not being taken seriously or believed or blamed for their victimization. This practice of false victimization has spawned a recent petition to create legislation calling for criminal background checks on all those who come forward about abuse. And then think of the devastating effect false abuse allegations have on those whom they are made against, destroying reputations and putting innocent people in jail, prison, and even on Death Row. While we are rightly admonished by child advocates to report even suspected child abuse, we are wise to ensure that we are able to back up our reported suspicions with a statement, an action, an incident, that is a basis for our suspicions.

True and actual victimhood does not diminish our responsibility though it lessens it and makes our actions more explainable. We so often see this in countless people who have survived childhood or adult adversity and have emerged to become positive, strong, caring, even successful. I have heard it said, several times, that "Prosperity is a more severe test of character than poverty (or adversity) is." The Scriptures, over and over, from cover to cover, tell us that spiritual growth comes through suffering. We know this because of how so many recent tragedies have brought whole communities together, whether weather disaster, shootings, bombings or other tragedies. The one perfect Person Who lived, Jesus, also suffered more than any other human during all the events leading up to His trials and His death in what is known as "Holy Week." Throughout that time alone, Jesus suffered the betrayal of a very close friend, eventual desertion by all His friends, false accusations, mockery, injustice, and every form of abuse in its most severe form. He suffered extreme physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. This all means that we do not have to be prisoners of out pasts and also, that we cannot use even actual abuse to excuse our misdeeds. This holds true whether we are talking about medical conditions where we have reduced control over our behavior, like Autism, or life events, like abuse or illness.

The Case That Is Fascinating Us

A number of months ago, a talented and attractive woman, accused of a savage murder, was on trial for her life. Her trial has been televised for the entire US to see. In being exposed to her trial on HLN, by default I found myself becoming gradually fascinated by her case. As with other cases that have captured national headlines, this case had salacious sex and scandal attached to it. In this defendant's trial, we who have followed this case have repeatedly heard a sex tape with racy, torrid content. We have heard witnesses who have had to testify of their intimate sexual experiences with the murder victim. We have heard the accused murderess tell lie after lie after lie and actually blame her victim for all her actions. She has cheapened the words abuse, domestic violence and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) by applying them to her experience without evidence. She even accused her victim of being a pedophile! Many of us have have witnessed the dirty, dishonest and often deliberate stalling tactics by this defendant's defense team. We have seen the heartbreak of the victim's family as they have been re-victimized again and again. They have had to hear their loved one be trashed by the defense and the defendant. They have had to hear about and see the gruesome autopsy photos reminding them (as if they need reminding) of the extremely cruel was their brother and loved one died. All of us, who have our own stories and who have followed this trial, have often been angered, disgusted and outraged by all this. So many people have been so obsessed by this trial that they have travelled out of state to visit the courthouse in Arizona. Especially around verdict time. This past Wednesday, May 8, this defendant was convicted. Her sentencing has still not been determined.

Why are we so fascinated, even obsessed, by this one case? Why are so many of us living through it and following every detail of this particular case? I'm sure most people know that I'm talking about the death penalty murder case of the State of Arizona vs. Jodie Arias. I'm sure that for many it is because of the extremely brutal way that the victim, Travis Alexander, died. He was stabbed 29 times and in places that were documented as "incompatible with survival." He was slit in the throat from ear to ear. He was shot in the head. Killed three ways. Either of these ways would have killed him. He SUFFERED when he was murdered, which was documented by the prosecution medical expert witness. Travis did not "go fast" and his murder did not happen quickly, like a mere shot in the head that would have of itself have killed him. His murder has deeply affected many of us. Many have been interested in this trial because they can identify with Travis's family through losing loved ones to murder or maybe they themselves survived attacks that had some features to Travis's murder. For all of you I'm certain this trial has been very triggering. Many people, in the US and worldwide, have been fascinated by this trial because, frankly, they have lived through it and found it a distraction from painful realities in their own lives. I have seen how so many of us are familiar with all the key players in this trial. Juan Martinez. I have seen one Facebook post or comment after another by "fans" of Juan who have proclaimed their near-worship of him. I have even seen posts by some asking about Juan's marital status! And Juan "fans" have been calling for Juan to become a State Governor or Judge! I'm seeing on Facebook and hearing in real life curses and slurs for the defense team, including Jennifer Wilmot and Curt Nurmi, as well as the defense witnesses. Not to mention death threats.

Yes, I know that there was equal and maybe even more intense obsession with the Casey Anthony case. I will never forget the national outrage, petitions, Facebook pages, Facebook "events" and countless storm of protests that erupted when Casey was acquitted of any involvement in the death of her small daughter, Caylee. What we do not realize, or forget, is that every day, there are countless other crime cases, including murder cases that happen all over the US or anywhere outside the US. Yet we have never heard of them; if we have, we do not take much interest in them. Why do certain cases grip our national and even worldwide attention? Why do so many of us live through them? Even taking off our jobs and spending time and money to travel to a courthouse? Even though we do not know the people involved in the fascinating case? To top it off, Miss Arias, AFTER her conviction, actually gave an interview on TV! A day later, we learn that she is placed in a psychiatric ward and is declared "incompetent." It seems that even as so many of us are outraged at not only the savage crime of Jodie, but also are equally outraged at her spiteful, deceitful and manipulative conduct afterward and up to present. Yes, our response to this type of conduct by a now convicted murderess is natural. But I wonder if many of us absorb ourselves in high-profile cases and live through them because it is so much more comfortable and safer than to face realities in our own lives that so many of us do not wish to face? It is so much easier, even more fun, to get made at and to disparage Miss Arias for her crime of murder and other misdeeds than to face our own "demons" in our own lives. Every murder and every heinous crime springs from thoughts that, if fed enough, become attitudes that we act on.

What separates murderers from victims? From non-murderers? If we have been following this case, we know that Travis, himself, and his siblings, we know that they endured early childhoods of neglect and deprivation. This was until their parents passed away and their Grandmother took them all in and raised them. Statistics tell us that many people who have endured childhood abuse or deprivation often become abusers or criminals themselves, or become involved in crimes. This clearly did not happen in the case of Travis or his siblings. Travis himself became a murder victim. Yes, people can be both victims and end up being criminals or parties to crimes. This happens in the cases of many abused wives, girlfriends or children who kill their abusers when they feel that they are trapped and that there is no other way out. This happens in cases where people, in their criminal activity, use more vulnerable people as accomplices or accessories (especially in cover ups or co-signings). Was Jodie abused or a victim? From all the evidence that was presented, I do not think so, but instead fits the profile of an abuser long before she murdered Travis. My Christian beliefs, according to the Bible, make it clear that in the eyes of God we are all criminal and capable of the worst of crimes, including murder. Jesus put anger on an equal footing with murder. Who among us has not been unreasonable angry? I know that I'm not immune to unjust anger and I do not believe anyone else is. Why are so many crimes, including murder, committed? We know people kill out of rage, jealousy, and greed. Truth be told, each of us will at some point or other struggle with one or more of these demons (I have!). It is the feeding of these impulses, as Jodie has done, that results in murder or other violent crimes. This same principle runs true in acting, or not acting on, impulses that could result in criminal activity, whether we are talking about murder or other violent crimes or other felonies like fraud, identity theft, embezzlement, larceny and the like. It all starts in the mind and depends on what we feed our minds on and what we expose ourselves to. It depends on what drives us, our impulses and our drives or our minds and hearts.


The trial of Jodie Arias is not over and the family of Travis still need public support and care as they suffer being re-victimized and make great personal sacrifices to travel back and forth from California where they live to Arizona where the trial for their loved one's murderess is being held.

http://www.travisalexanderjustice.com

A new memorial website has been set up for Travis, complete with photos from every stage of his life. There is a Guestbook where you can sign and leave messages of support for the Alexander family.

Tanisha Sorenson
ALS
700 E. Redlands Blvd. STE U304
Redlands, CA

This is the address that has been set up where you can mail the family letters, cards, even donations or other tokens of support. I encourage you to do what you can.

Travis Alexander Legacy Fund
2036 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite 2-621
Mesa, AZ 85203

This is an another address where you can send cards, letters or donations, or other tokens of support to the family of Travis Alexander.

Banner Courtesy of Barb McNally

What Is In A Word?

Beauty. They say that it is in the eye of the beholder. But is beauty subjective, something that is present or absent depending on our opinion of the subject of our evaluation for this trait? I know that there are different forms of beauty, including physical beauty, the beauty of how things or people look on the outside. And these can be subjective as we all have different ideas of what any form of beauty is. I know that there are the "top ten" of the "most beautiful" people, yearly in a celebrity magazine or two. But this type of beauty that is being referred to is physical beauty, how these individuals look. Frankly, when I have seen some of the "winners," I have wondered what judges saw in them. But this just proves that beauty IS subjective and that what is beauty to some people is not beauty to others. And then there are other forms of beaurty that have nothing to do with outward appearance, that is, what we call inner beauty of the heart and soul ot the beauty of how things are used. The Bible talks about the "beautiful feet" of those who bring the Gospel of God to others. Now we know that feet are normally NOT pretty to look at; often they can be downright ugly. But the beauty here is how these feet are used: to introduce something into the lives of others that will change their lives forever. As for inner beauty of the heart and soul, I was stuck, months ago, with an article about the woman who is titled "the ugliest woman in the world" but whose choices and attitude scream her inner beauty of heart and soul. This very moving article and the many comments to it, can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/beauty/lessons-worlds-ugliest-woman-stop-staring-start-learning-184400606.html.

Hero. We use this word very often. We use the word to refer to people who mean much to us, as in "He is my hero." This is in the sense of someone meeting the needs of another in the right place and at a critical time. For example, we often appeal to people's sense of compassion and humanity by saying, "Will you be a hero to this person?" when raising funds for children in need or appealing to the public for information to solve crimes or to bring a missing/unidentified person home. And it is used to simply refer to people we look up to, for good or not. Celebrities and athletes are frequently called "heroes" so often when people express "hero worship" for them; I have often felt that such persons are not the best people to ascribe this lofty title of hero to. And that holds true especially when they adopt, as so many do, lifestyles of drug addiction, self-indulgence or self-seeking. And then we use this word to refer to those who place themselves in harm's way on behalf of others, especially in reference to law enforcement, the military, paramedics, emergency medical technicians, firefighters, and those who serve in many other dangerous positions. And this use of the word is most appropriate. As I have heard it, a hero is one who 1) goes above and beyond the call of duty, 2) risks himself/herself to serve the higher good of others  and 3) does things that he or she would NOT be criticized for if he or she chose not to do these things.  A number of years ago, for example, Headline News Network (HLN) was doing a "Heroes" segment. The featured couple were employees who worked at a local McDonalds; they had both, WITHOUT training or protective gear, had run into a burning building to save the lives of a family. They are heroes by anyone's defintion! However, is this trait something that is within reach of each of us? The way that I have heard it, the choices we make in the small things will determine how we would react in a situaton where we would be called on to show the trait of heroism.

Survivor. We use that word more and more today. People who have battled cancer call themselves cancer survivors. People who have had heart attacks or strokes call themselves heart attack or stroke survivors. People who have experienced crimes of any kind call themselves crime survivors. People who have experienced abuse of any kind call themselves abuse survivors. We can go on and on. When this word is used, of course, what comes to mind are people who have experienced situations of life and death and have lived through them. But this word is also frequently used by so many people to give validation and closure to lives of adversity and hardship. It is an empowering word that gives meaning to things that would otherwise have no meaning and give one motivation and courage to face life and people than if you see what has happened to you as merely a random set of events without rhyme or reason. Survivor is a title that many people in my online networks give themselves and if their identity. When I was growing up or even in early adulthood, I do not remember so many people calling themselves survivors. But in this age of information and awareness about all different forms of crime, abuse, illnesses and disabilities, this word is being more widely used by many of of us to describe our pasts. This is in contrast to the past when many things were shrouded in shame, stigma and a code of silence. Of course, in an ideal world we would not have to call ourselves survivors of anything. But we do not live in that kind of world and most of us need the validation that will empower us to face life and people with confidence.

Friend. Oh how often we use this word! We often use it to refer to people whom we know or don't know well, just because they may happen to go to the same congregation, go to the same school we do, work at the same job or live in our neighborhood and greet us when they see us on the street. And in this age of social networking, we use this word to refer to people whom we have added to our social networks. Friends in social network circles have access to each others' profiles. And in these social networks, the more friends we have the more people we have who are friends in name only. These are people whom we may not give a passing thought to, be able to recognize if we saw them walking down the street and may not even like them. And then we use the word friend in the Biblical sense of the word, to describe someone who loves unconditionally, protects us, stands by us, believes in us, tells us the truth and who can be trusted. Many times we use the word friend when we really mean acquaintance.All of us have far more acquaintances than friends and can probably count on one hand the number of friends we actually have. And it works both ways, to build a true friendship we need to give trust, unconditional love, truth, loyalty and understanding, all the qualities of friendship. In thse days this word friend has become very cheap and its meaning meeds to be reclaimed. That can happen if we give and receive real friendship. Years ago, I would have said that it is impossible to build a real friendship online. Now I have changed my mind though I still maintain that it is very hard to do. Yes, I know that we live in a society of "lonely strangers" and that building friendships is much easier said than done.

Advocate. That word is often used. Growing up, I thought that the word referred only to people who go before politicians or others in power on behalf of others, like lobbyists. I know that such people are indeed advocates. In the Bible, Jesus calls Himself our Advocate before His Father not because He has to defend us to the Father but to defend us from Satan (yes I believe in a personal devil) who is no friend of ours. But today, now that I have entered the world of social networks and have taken up a number of causes that have bearing on my life and that of my family, I hear the word often and many in my network call themselves by this title. But recently, in a discussion thread to a blog directed to families with missing loved ones, a person said something like this: "Many people call themselves advocates when they are actually concerned citizens. This is not accurate. Anyone who calls himself or herself an advocate ought to get proper training and ought to get background checks to prove that he or she can be trusted." Yes, when it comes to many fields and needs I agree that such training and due diligence must be done. But, in scripture, an advocate is anyone who speaks up for the powerless and to see that their needs are met. Parents, especially when our children have special needs, call ourselves advocates for our children. Lawyers call themselves advocates for their clients. This week, though, I was speaking with a dear friend who mentioned that looking out for one person and giving ourselves to saving or helping one person, is also advocacy. Put this way, being and acting as advocates is well within the reach of each and every one of us. We just have to keep our eyes and ears open to the needs around us.

Abuse. In light of the current Jodie Arias trial, those of us who have even casually been following it can see how the defendant has used the "abuse" defense to try to reduce her consequences or get out of them completely. We can also use the words domestic violence or intimate partner violence. Yes, over the years I have heard the words abuse and domestic violence being tossed around, in everything from survival stories and memoirs to criminal cases in the defense of offenders. For years now, it seems that the disclosure of some kind of abuse has become very common, I daresay almost fashionable. Traditionally, abuse and domestic or intimate partner violence have been taken to mean physical abuse. Only in recent decades has abuse been recognized as a broad umbrella, including emotional, verbal, spiritual, sexual and financial abuse. Today in out high-tech age abuse has become electronic and can be called cyber-abuse. Now it is widely recognized that emotional abuse is at the foundation of all other forms of abuse or it can stand alone. Abuse is a sustained pattern of behavior. Currently, only physical and sexual abuse are legally recognized as abuse and can be prosecuted. The bad thing about abuse being recognized as a broad umbrella and on a spectrum is that the word is often used irresponsibly to refer to normal but unwelcome actions or words. But the good thing about abuse being recognized as a spectrum and a wide umbrella is that there is so much more awareness and support for victims and survivors. This is life, however; we must take the bad with the good. Personally, I much prefer that abuse is recognized as a broad spectrum. As I write this and the jury in the Jodie Arias trial has begun deliberations about her guilt/innocence, I know that the way the words domestic violence and abuse were tossed around throughout this entire trial will influence the verdict that this jury comes back with.

There are so many other words that have many different meanings but I picked these six words because they are commonly used in my world. Words carry much power when they are used responsibly, honestly and in the proper context. When they are misused they can cause much damage, even life-threatening harm.

Depression and Suicide

     Suicide. It seems to be seen as an answer by more and more people as the solution to life's problems. Suicide has always been with us but it seems that more and more people, of all ages, think of or actually turn to suicide as the answer to their problems. Now don't get me wrong. I'm the first to concede that life is often difficult, sad, confusing, disappointing and plain no fun. It doesn't always seem to be worth it. When we feel like that, it is easy to lose the will to live and become depressed. And by depression I don't mean just having a bad day and having "the blues." We all feel that way sometimes. And, when sad things happen, like the loss of loved ones, jobs or other losses, it is normal to feel grief and sadness. The depression I'm talking about here is when people lose interest in living and in the things they normally enjoy and their daily functioning is hindered; it is related to other mental health or mood disorders (and some personality disorders).
     One day, months ago on my Facebook Newsfeed, a post directed me to a link; I visited the news story, which covers a young girl who was found to have hung herself. According to the report, there were no outward events in this girl's life that would have motivated her to end her life. She never reported ever having been bullied, to her parents or to her teachers. According to the report, she was a loner and, though asked to share what was bothering her, she never did. This makes me want to cry out, Why? Why? Why? Will her family ever find answers? I can only hope and pray that a thorough investigation will be done that will uncover what would drive another young girl to end her life in this fashion. Though her parents blame bullying, there is no evidence. But whatever actually gave her the motive to end it all, it was something that was real to her.
     Depression, if left untreated or unaddressed, can lead to suicide. I know that many people think that they know how to handle depressed people and that if they can motivate such individuals to "behave their way" out of it, then their depression will "lift." They will "snap out of" it. What are some of the things often said to even deeply depressed people?
     "Get over it."
     "Think positive thoughts."
     "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Others have problems."
     "What do YOU have to be depressed about?"
     "Be thankful for what you have."
     "Shame on you for being depressed. If you keep complaining, God will give you something to really cry about."
     "Mind over matter. Tell yourself you're not depressed and good feelings will soon follow."
     "Count your blessings."
     "Think about others' problems. There are others who are less fortunate than you."
     "Think about the starving children in Africa and your depression will vanish."
     "Help others and you will forget about yourself."
     "Chin up: Others don't want to hear about your problems. They have their own."
     "Life sucks. Forget about it and move on."
     "Oh, it isn't so bad; stop being so negative or thin-skinned."
     "Stop talking like that! You know you don't mean it; I don't want to hear it."
     "You think about yourself too much; get busy and you won't have time to get depressed."
     "Oh, things CAN'T be THAT bad!"
     "Have faith and pray. Christians in God's will do not yield to depression."
     And then medication is often seen as addressing depression. In many cases, it may indeed do that. Psychiatric drugs are typically used to treat not only depression, but other mood disorders. Too often, though, I have seen that they have not helped and may even make things WORSE. As I (and my family) have learned through VERY nasty experience, drugs and drug interactions can INCREASE depression and other mental health issues! I fully sympathize with people who fully oppose ANY use of psychiatric drugs to treat depression or other mood disorders but I think they are being extreme. In many cases, good drug treatment intervention can mean the difference between being in a residential home and being fully independent, between homelessness and being employed and living a full life.
      Why is it, though, that suicide is so often being seen as the solution to suffering? Many people will blame it on social networks or on the economy, that life is just harder for people today than it was ten years ago or twenty years ago. It's true that because evildoers have more tools to work with, that their power to hurt and harm people is greater. It's true that a sagging economy does drive people to do desperate things. But, with all our awareness and talk about tolerance and openness, suicides and other tragedies are not getting better and show no signs of going away. I saw a post months ago that declared that  since this past school year  (August or September 2012) had begun, four children have already taken their lives because of school bullying. It seems that awareness, as great as it is, does not seem to be ending suicides among people of all ages.
     As I have already said, suicide has always been with us. And maybe it just SEEMS to be getting worse precisely because we are more aware of it and are hearing more and more about it when people take their lives. It has been surmised that many people, especially the young, feel that they have no where to turn, that this is even worse now because of the lack of family support. I'm sure there is a lot of truth in that. But may I suggest another factor? In past years, we had more of a fear of God and the deep-down knowledge that death is not the end, that following death we will have to stand before our Maker and give an account of every area of our lives. Many of us had it drummed into us that suicide may, indeed, be the "unpardonable sin" because there is no chance to "repent" of it following death. No, I do NOT think suicide is the "unpardonable sin" that Bible mentions, which is willfully rejecting God's forgiveness. But this fear of committing the unpardonable sin as a motivation in not ending our lives, mistaken as it was, had the fortunate effect of saving many lives! And it is forever true, that people thinking of suicide need to know: Death is not a state of nothingness and it is not the end. If we believe the Bible, upon death each of us will have to stand before our Creator and give an account of our lives. This should scare us. This is what "the fear of God" means. It is meant to drive out other fears. I don't want to sound preachy, though I know some will see it this way. It is just something to think about if we imagine that death is the end.
     One week, months ago, I had seen more suicidal posts in my Facebook Newsfeed, more talk about ending it all. It is often not easy to know how to respond to people who talk about wanting to die, especially if repeated attempts to help them seem to not to improve their outlook on life or get them to change their minds and see that life may be worth living, after all. I have seen a few posts by one such person the other day and, gathering sufficient information on this Facebook user, I brought this to the attention of the Facebook Team. However, when I logged into Facebook the following morning, I saw a couple more of such posts by this same person and followed the same steps to bring the posts to the attention of the Facebook Team. I know that others have also been reaching out to this same person and my hope is that the person will get badly needed help. In the course of time, this person had continued to post one dark post after another and, fortunately, a loyal number of Facebook users showed support, care and concern for the person. In time, the person's dark posts became less and less though she still has continued to struggle. Complicating factors included where the person lives and the laws surrounding this person's situation affecting her ability to access treatment. We are not asked the change the world or effect results beyond our control, only to do what we can and to maybe make the world better for a few people around us.
      More recently, a suicidal post streamed in my Facebook Newsfeed and it was a repost by the administrator of the said page. The post got many comments as it seemed to be a post where the person was planning to end his life. I could not find enough information on the person, including his last name or profile information. So when I brought him to Facebook's attention, I do not know what happened. I only know that the suicidal post had been removed. Recently, I have read articles or just headlines, telling of young people who have ended their lives because of bullying. Always I wonder, Will this ever end? A Facebook Ad declares, "Bullying Makes Headlines Far Too Often These Days." Why? One explanation is that life has become so cheap that too many of us see killing as a "solution to our problems." Have an unwanted pregnancy? There's abortion. Have an inconvenient relative who is impossible to live with or who cannot stand to suffer any more? There's death with dignity. So we find it easier to progress down a slippery slope. Can't stand to live with a spouse or a parent one more minute? Have them eliminated! Finally, what if I find life too much to bear? Why not just end it all? Death is more attractive than life.
     I remember, once, hearing that the people group who are least likely to experience depression are the Amish. The Amish people, as most of us know, shun much of modern life as a matter of their religious faith. They, generally speaking, subscribe to old-fashioned values of following God and putting Him first in their lives, are peace-loving and "rough it," rejecting many modern conveniences. Now, I don't advocate that we adopt the Amish way of life to deal with our depression and prevent suicide. But we can learn from the Amish people, in many ways. It's true that they aren't perfect, as is indicated by a memoir by a former Amish person who has written about things done "behind closed doors" by some Amish people. In spite of their imperfections, we can learn from them, to simply life and to put first things first, God and family and to not make an idol out of technology.
     Do social networks make us more depressed or do they just bring out what is already there? I have always maintained that they are neutral and that because social networks are the people that are behind them, that they bring things out in us. There is indeed such a thing as "Facebook depression" and the main reason we experience it is not the social network itself, but the people who are behind it. I know that there is a popular banner that says: "If you have a problem, face it. Don't Facebook it." Another banner says: "Upset? Use your tissues, not your status update." What's the message? People on social networks are generally online to have fun and not to deal with others' problems. And then there is a sarcastic post, rather lengthy, with the message: "Breaking news: Get over it. Deal with it. Everyone has problems. Stop whining. Get over yourself." Yes, there is truth in sayings like these, but when people are truly depressed, that is not the time to say things like this. To tell people, who are hurting from the past or present traumas, to "Get over it," is simply callous and shows ignorance of the human heart. Truth be told, we don't really "get over" the past. It makes us what we are today, depending on how we work through it.
     So what should you do whether, in-person or online, a person indicates that he or she wants to end it all? I have often been confronted with such persons, both in-person and online and I know that this week will not be my last time. In my church, on the front table, are little cards bearing the classic banner and number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It is always upsetting and scary to be confronted with someone who talks about ending it all. It make us responsible and the person's life is, in a sense, in our hands. In times like this, the ordinary rules of privacy give way to doing what is needed to get the person out of harm's way, even if it means calling local authorities at 9-1-1 or contacting a suicide hotline. And what if you yourself are the one having suicidal thoughts? As one who is encountering and hearing about suicidal people, more and more, I have to provide resources for you, for this means that you are possibly dealing with more of it also.
     Suicide, like other human problems, is everyone's business.
    
    
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
This is the comprehensive website for a nonprofit that is dedicated to the awareness of and prevention of suicide among people of all ages and from all walks of life. Upon visiting the site, a suicidal person will find a live chat feature that has daytime hours. There are helpful links to other resources, all over the USA and other parts of the world, where people can turn to for suicide prevention and crisis counseling. There are links to resources where suicidal content seen on popular social networking sites can be brought to the attention of authorities, or those in charge of these social networking sites. They have a hotline that is available 24/7, with trained crisis counselors:
1-800-273-TALK (8255).

http://facebook.com/help/?faq=103883219702654
This is Facebook's comprehensive list of resources, inside and outside the USA, that deal with suicide awareness and prevention and provide practical help for persons in crisis in their local areas.

http://www.facebook.com/facebook.com/help/contact/?id=305410456169423&refid=22
This is the form where we bring to the Facebook Team information about suicidal content that we see posted on Facebook.
                                                  

Life, Choice, or Both?

          There is an issue that was not any major source of political debate in campaigns or elections in the recent past, certainly not in Presidential campaigns. Not to the degree that we are seeing now! I'm talking about the issue of reproductive rights in relation to religious liberty and what role contraception should have in health care. This holds true especially for women's access to oral contraceptives which many on the "far religious right" strongly oppose.
          Contraception as an issue is not the same as abortion, as abortion is the choice to end a life that has already been conceived (or, as many would call it, a potential human life). Contraception is a choice to prevent conception from happening in the first place. My observations of the current political debate, especially carried out by the candidates campaigning for a the spot as the Republican challenger against President Obama, is that time around, reproduction vs. religious liberty, seems to be the central issue to be reckoned with. We therefore needed to deal with it if we are to make an informed choice about the then-Candidate of our choice. Even if you are outside the US and in an area where this isn't being politicized, you will need to deal with the question of contraception, especially if you are married and in your childbearing years or if you are raising teens who are or want to be sexually active. And there are some health care settings where you must deal with it. We still need to deal with this even though the debate is not raging at this time, as these things do not go away even when Elections are won or lost.
         I have great admiration for those families who, because of their beliefs and their life circumstances, like the well-known Duggars, refuse to use any kind of contraception and keep adding one child after another to their family. The Duggars take the Biblical instruction to "Be fruitful and multiply" seriously; they are devout people of faith who believe that every child is a gift from God and should be welcomed as such. Yes, the Duggars have the resources, including the proceeds from a TV show and apparently good physical health, to be able to bear and raise a huge family. They have been in the position to have an unrestricted number of children, which we are told is around 20 children. In most cases, money will be an issue because most of us do not have unrestricted wealth and many of us may have health issues or relationship issues that make bearing and raising many children unwise, irresponsible or even risky. These factors, especially if you have more than one of these factors in operation, will limit how many children you can bear and raise or should bear and raise responsibly or safely. So, for most of us, even if we would want to have huge families, contraception is an issue. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be infertile and CANNOT bear children, there is no other way to limit family size other than sexual abstinence. And in marriage, that is NOT a good idea!
          In my own case, after I married, contraception was an issue because, from the beginning, I was discouraged from conceiving. This was not only because of our financial situation but because of my epilepsy and my Marfan's Syndrome making pregnancy risky for both a baby and me. So my spouse and I used contraception faithfully. Then I became unexpectedly pregnant and after the shock wore off, I was happy and excited. I did have to take an anti-convulsant during my pregnancy. Thank God, our beautiful, precious daughter was born healthy even though she was diagnosed with "Pervasive Development Disorder" which is a subtype of high-functioning autism. I have been unable to conceive again and have been strongly discouraged from bearing any more children. Today, for her sake, I'm much disappointed that we are being forced to raise our daughter as an only child though we are very pleased with her.
          The former political Candidate who started this debate during last year's Presidential Primaries,  Sen. Rick Santorum, is a devout person of faith who strongly opposes not only abortion but also birth control, especially oral contraceptives. I respect his personal choice to bear and raise a large family and to continue to add to his family. But finances and apparently health and relationships, are not issues for him or his wife. These things are issues for so many of us who have financial, health, or family problems. So, I don't think Sen, Santorum (or anyone) should put a guilt trip on anyone who feels the need to limit family size. Family size, whether it is large or small, is not right or wrong. What is a moral issue is respecting other people's choices and not judging them. Big families are fine as long as a couple have the resources, energy, health are support system to bear and raise lots of children responsibly, effectively and safely. Since most of us  have one or more reasons why we can't or don't feel comfortable bearing or raising lots of children, we will need to use contraception during some or much of our childbearing years. The debate is: Should it be the government's role to make it available? For contaceptives can be costly if one must pay for them out-of-pocket.
          What about contraceptives for unmarried people, including teens? The Bible is clear about that: It should not even be an issue, as contraceptives  are only needed if one is sexually active. And the Scriptures forbid sexual activity outside of marriage; it holds that sexual intercourse and bearing children are best reserved for the permanence, commitment and legal protections that marriage offers. As a child who was born to a teen mom and outside of marriage, I can testify from experience that teen parenthood means much hardship for a young mom and a life of permanent disadvantage for the child. And I have seen and read about many others who have had the awful experience of teen pregnancy. Many will say, "Use protection." I'm here to tell you that contraceptives do not always protect one from pregnancy and they often don't protect one from sexually transmitted diseases. I do not recommend contraceptives for young people; the ideal is to strongly encourage teens to save sex for marriage, for their own emotional, physical and spiritual well-being and that of their future spouse. It sounds old-fashioned but it is true; the best wedding gift one can give a spouse is one's virginity. Whatever your views on sexual intercourse and contraceptives for unmarried people, including youth, I encourage you to check out a website which discusses these matters in a sensitive, informative and truthful matter and is directed to young people. Please visit: http://www.lovematters.com/. If you are married and want to check out a website about contraception for married people and the ethics of using them as well as find other information that is truthfully and sensitively given, the following website: http://www.christianfamilyplanning.org/.
          The reason that oral contraceptives like the birth control pill and emergency contraception, "the morning after pill," can be controversial is that they are considered by many to be abortifacients, that is, they don't always prevent conception; when they don't, they work by ending a life already conceived, mainly by preventing the conceived embryo from implanting in the pregnant woman's uterus. Therefore, many people of faith strongly shun them. What these opponents don't seem to realize is that so many women use birth control pills to treat female gynecological issues like various menstrual irregularities. It angered me as a woman, as is has so many other, that the recent high-profile panel discussing contraception did not have even ONE woman on the panel. I also hate it that this issue tends to come off as one where men are telling women what to do with our bodies. It should not be this way! Birth control, bearing children and raising them, are as much a man's responsibility as a woman's. Can this be one big reason there are so many abortions of the unborn as well as abuse of so many born children, because women are doing the "heavy moral lifting" of these matters without male support? I think so!
          Whatever your view on abortion or contraception, because so many health care providers see abortion and even certain forms of contraception as very wrong and against their consciences, any political debate on reproductive rights and legislation on the availability of government funds for them, should always include a religious liberty or conscience clause. This is so that health care providers of faith or who simply believe that life begins at conception will not be forced to go against their principles and have to pay for or provide pills or procedures for their patients that they oppose. As long as we are talking tolerance, shouldn't we have tolerance for those of faith?
          There is the raging debate about whether many people, because of criminal or child abuse tendencies, should even be permitted to bear ANY children. Especially if you are unable to bear children or have seen or experienced child abuse, seeing or even hearing about people so easily bearing children and then hellishly abusing and even killing them, is infuriorating. Should contraception be made available? I say it should, but if they are unmarried, abstinence is by far the best choice. Many people declare that contraception reduces both abortions and child abuse, but I don't see that this is happening. There is no easy answer.
          What about the availability, even the mandate, of ultrasounds for women about to have abortions? What about vaginal ultrasounds? This raging debate, started by Sen, Rick Santorum, shows no signs of letting up. The argument for vaginal ultrasounds over abdominal ultrasounds is that the vaginal form is more accurate. But vaginal probing is invasive and makes the woman feel very vulnerable, as she must wear skimpy clothes with her legs falling apart in cold metal stirrups. When this is forced on her as a government mandate, this seems like a rape. No wonder there is such bitter opposition to vaginal ultrasounds! I agree that women who are about to have a serious, permanent procedure like abortion ought to be warned about the risks of this procedure and about what they are about to abort. They should be able to make an informed choice. Many post-abortive women have experienced tremendous grief and guilt and bear lifelong emotional scars from their abortions. If ultrasounds, even less invasive, abdominal ones, would save more of them from that and save their babies' lives, isn't this worth it? And they should be able to consent to this ultrasound, like any procedure. Still, I cannot see why every other medical procedure requires parental consent if done on minors. Abortion is a major procedure and its effects can never be reversed. They will last forever. So ought not parents know when their minor children are getting this procedure?
          Even though Sen. Santorum did not win his party's nomination as the contender for the White House against President Obama, and this has been taken off center stage in the current political debates, contraception vs. religious liberty remains a force many of us must reckon with. I disagree with Santorum and other strong pro-life, "anti-abortion" advocates on many other issues that it seems so many of them are inconsistent on, and that need addressing which may reduce abortions through making it less tempting or attractive to seek them.
          Abortion and contraception are like other "hot-button" issues; they are surrounded with strong codes of silence and those who are affected by them personally often wrestle with shame, stigma, prejudice, fear and even hopelessness. These kind of issues make most of us uncomfortable and are usually not easy to talk about. It's easy to live our lives so as not to offend people who vehemently disagree with us on issues deemed to be controversial, including abortion. But lives may depend on it.
As far as religious liberty goes, I read a most alarming statistic, just today, that over 70 percent of those females of those girls and women who seek abortions come from churches, where their pastors or priests are largely silent. Folks, wherever we stand on a "hot button" issue that affects the lives of people, nothing is worse than silence. Not even the position we may hold on the issue.

        

The Case That Is Now Fascinating Us

She claims that she has 2000 Twitter followers.

She claims that she is a survivor of child abuse.

She claims that she is a survivor of intimate partner abuse.

She responded to her arrest by singing.

She responded to her arrest by doing headstands.

She declared on a TV interview, "No jury will ever convict me."

She added to this declaration, "Because I will kill myself first."

She expressed happiness that her tested I.Q. is at the genius level, like Einstein.

She took the life of her intimate partner, claiming that this was an act of self-defense.

She is very attractive and talented.

She is on trial and accused of first-degree murder.

I'm very sure that you know the identity of the person whom I'm giving these details on. Her name is Jodie Arias and she is taking the place of Casey Anthony as America's "Most Hated Woman." I'm seeing a lot of comparing of these two women and their cases. The biggest similarity is the massive media coverage of these two cases and the massive public interest. Are you one of the many, in OR outside the US, who are closely following this riveting this case? I would not be surprised that you are. I know that there are still many who do not have cable TV and so may not have as much media access to this case. What is so FASCINATING about this case? Well, we are getting TONS of sex and scandal, which are always sensational. There is the element of uncertainty and not knowing what the outcome will be.

Why are so many of us virtually living through this case, with our emotions so tied up in every twist and turn that is happening during this trial? Even as I write this, another family member has been cursing the TV and the curses were directed at the defendant. Why has HLN gone so far as to devote an entire show to a "mock jury" who go through "mock min-trials" and render "mock verdicts"? So many of us are familiar with every player in this case, including the devastated family of Travis, the murder victim, the hurting family of the defendant, the prosecutor, Juan Martinez, every witness, the defense lawyers, and of course, the defendant and Travis, her unfortunate victim. Why so much INTENSE media coverage? Demand. We cannot get enough!

With all the court theatrics, the trashing, defamation and slander of the defendant's parents and especially of the unfortunate victim himself, and the questionable tactics of the defense team and witnesses, we must never forget who the actual victim is. We must never forget that he has a grieving, devastated family who are forced to sit in this trial day after day and listen to their murdered loved one get revictimized. At the bottom of this blog I will give the address of one of his sisters, given on a Facebook page set up for the family of Travis. You can send the family cards, letters, even donations. The Facebook page for their support has information there in the "Info" tab about how you can give online, if you desire to do so.  To show support and get justice for their murdered loved one, they are paying for their travel and longing expenses with public support.

The trial is making us think about abuse, what it is, what it is not and what kinds of abuse there  are. Was Jodie abused by Travis? That is the claim made by the defense. But I think that is beside the point of this blog. Despite my personal feelings for the current "Domestic Violence Expert," I have to agree with her GENERAL statements that there are different kinds of abuse and that there are degrees of abuse. Abusers usually have many good qualities and abusive relationships have highs AND lows.
Traditionally and even now, physical abuse is what automatically comes to mind when we think of abuse and what is often not realized is that emotional abuse and control is what ALL forms of abuse are based on. Also, emotional abuse can happen by itself. Emotional, financial, and sexual abuse (alone OR combined) cause permanent emotional scars and often can't ever be forgotten, while physical injuries usually heal. Maybe one good thing coming out of this high-profile trial is that many people will become more aware of how abuse works.

Yes the point is the supposed abuse of the defendant. In her testimony, she has claimed being spanked with a wooden spoon by her mom and that her parents physically abused her. She has claimed being both emotionally and physically abused by Travis, as well as sexually abused and degraded by him. Yes, I heard the sex tape and his exchanges as well as hers. I heard about how that tape was recorded. My honest opinion of  Jodie's abuse claims? I see little convincing evidence that she has experienced any form of abuse, in childhood or at Travis's hands. Her parents, via taped police questioning and other interviews, have stated that this defendant had once almost killed her brother by hitting him on the head with a baseball bat, would kick her mom without cause, lied regularly and "may go off the deep end" as "she had issues." The sex tape? Unless I misunderstood it, both Travis and Jodie seemed to be enjoying themselves, pointing to a consensual intimate relationship. The angry texts by him? These are said to be his responses to her prior actions, but do these rise to the level of emotional abuse, which is control?

The "I do not Remember" defense that has been put forth by Jodie and her defense team? Her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) defense? I have heard both explanations put forth by military veterans when they told of how they have killed in combat. I well recall the case of former Senator Bob Kerrey, who, when he was younger, fought in Vietnam as a Navy Seal. Years ago, he confessed to ordering a shooting where a number of civilians were killed as he though they were the Viet Cong enemy. Upon his confession, he claimed PTSD and "the fog of war." Should Jodie be equated or compared to those who have fought for our freedom? It is a new one on me that now the PERPETRATORS of violent, horrific crimes in PEACETIME can also claim PTSD in a court of law!
Aside from that, it DOES make sense to me that a criminal can "block out" crimes to not have to think about them, whether consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression).

What are the undisputed FACTS in this high-profile case? A young man was brutally killed a few years ago. He was stabbed 29 times. His throat was slit from ear to ear. He was shot. He will never breathe the same air that we are breathing. The defendant has confessed to this homicide BUT only as an act of self-defense. She is charged with first-degree murder. Her life is at stake because she is on trial for a possible death penalty. The lives of two families have been forever shattered by this defendant's actions. The outcome of this trial is uncertain.

I know that Jodie has her supporters, just as every criminal does, based on media coverage of those who show bias toward her, her 2000 plus Twitter followers, and the efforts of her defense team to spare her life and to reduce her charges and sentencing. I also know that Travis and his family have far more support. Though massive support can never fill the huge void and lasting devastation of a murdered loved one, they can use your support! There is a Facebook page set up just to get support for this family, emotional and financial. One sister of Travis's also has provided an address so people can send cards, letters and other forms of support to the family.

The address to contact the family and show your support is:

Tanisha Sorenson
ALS
700 E. Redlands Blvd., Ste. U304
Redlands, CA 92373

This is the address for cards and/or donations for the family:

Travis Alexander Legacy Fund
2036 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite 2-621
Mesa, AZ 85203

https://www.facebook.com/SupportTravisAlexandarsFamily
This is the link for the Facebook page to show the family of Travis public support.

Banner Courtesy of Barb McNally

Missing Caleta Sade White, Missing Chris Virdell, Missing James Harig, Missing Mathew Robert McConnell-Hegland, Missing Mark Anthony Ysasaga, Missing Jason Lewis Kyles, Missing Carla Ruth Reyes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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