Social Networking and Redefining Friendship

Friends. It seems that we all have different ideas of what this word means, whether we are referring to people we do things with or people who we attend school, work or worship services with. We may call friends people whom we correspond with via telephone, email, or traditional mail. And then there are those we call confidants, people we can confide in or whom we can call in the middle of the night. And there are friendships where we do things for each other. And then, many of us confuse acquaintances, people who merely say "Hello" when we encounter them in hallways or on the street, with friends. And now that more and more of us are using social networks to do just that, socialize, friendship is taking on a new meaning. Now if a person is in your social network they are your "friend" even if you may never talk with this person or be able to recognize this person if you saw him or her walk down the street. You may not even know what your online "friends" look like or if they are male or female.

I'm aware that there are people in my network who count some whom they know only online, as real friends who are worthy of their trust and respect. I have seen this most often among people whose personal stories of loss, tragedy or survival are well-known and resonate with many people and which many identify with. Since starting social networking about two and a half years ago, I have sought to show real friendship with people online, as much as can be done in this setting, through words of encouragement, support, feedback or even advice, reposting countless posts, supporting and joining causes, signing petitions, and more. But I'm aware that forming real, enduring friendships online very difficult. As I exceeded the 5000 friend limit and then was removed by some of those people, and removed still others, I can see that it is impossible to be a friend in the strict sense of the word, to many of these people. Keeping them in my networks seems not to be fair either to them or to me, especially with space limitations.

I'm aware, also, that many of us, young people and adults alike, turn to social networks because we aren't finding connection or understanding with people offline. This is particularly true in the community of families of missing people, who turn to social networking not only to aid them in the search for their missing loved ones, but to find support, comfort and friendship especially when they want to vent. This is also true in the disability community among many who feel that the only way they can self-advocate, express themselves and connect with people is through social networks. I know that I have social networking to thank for my ability for self-expression and even venting about my concerns and issues concerning stigma, disability and abuse. But as true as all this is, can we count on these people who may support us being there over time; can they count on us being there for them in the same way?

On social networks, especially Facebook, I have seen many expressions of affection, support, empathy and solidarity. I have noticed, however, that much of this happens among people who know each other well, outside of certain social networks, through volunteering or working for the same nonprofits, sharing common goals or agendas, working in the same cause, sharing common life experiences or through having stories or experiences that many people identify with. This is much how it works offline too, right? And just as I have seen mant cliques in real life, among adults as well as among children, cliques abound online, if you are observant and use social networks regularly. The reason is simple: People comprise social networks.

When I relate my own experience with this, I know that I speak for myself only and no one else,
especially in light of what I (and others who know me well) believe to be a undiagnosed form of high-functioning autism. I have always, even until this day, felt unable to successfully connect with people, especially offline and in-person. Online, I feel freer to express myself and talk about my concerns than I do in any offline setting. Often, however,I find myself envying people who post material that attracts many comments, often no matter what they post, while when I post similar or comparable material, I get fewer or even no comments. I tell myself that the difference is the relationships of the people involved and their personal, close connections with each other. On my birthday, when I had learned about an online sex offender taking revenge on me for reporting him by impersonating me and stealing my online identity to "clear" himself, I wrote a note on Facebook about my experience, hoping to get support and maybe guidance about how to handle this. I received neither. I tried not to take this personally but I couldn't shake the feeling that no one really cared, as I received no comments even after I reposted my note and encountered the same nonresponse on a fan page where I posted about my situation under a status about the value of each person. And this happened on my birthday!

In the course of time, I have had more experiences online with what I thought were budding friendships that ended up fading. One person seemed to take an interest in me because of my enthusiastic support of her cause. She would cheer me on and appear on Facebook Chat with me regularly. Once when this person thought she was giving me offense, she reached out to try to clear up the misunderstanding, saying how much she valued our friendship. But days later, I posted at this blog a post on her cause and I voiced some concerns about how I was unsure on how I was unsure many of its $$$ were being spent. I was satisfied that I had written a blog that not only showed people how they could make practical differences for this cause without fundraising, but also alerted them to the need to be discerning when there is little way of figuring out where a cause's $$$ were going. Then I eagerly sent a link to this blog to my fairly new online friend, thinking she would like it. Nope. She had the opposite reaction! She sent me a hard-hitting message lambasting me for what I thought was just mild questioning about this cause's Founder, and about how this cause's $$$ were being used. This online friend accused me of ill will toward the Founder in her message. I replied to this message trying to explain myself. I did not convince this online friend. Her reply was quite hard-hitting, accusing me of being "passive-aggressive" and not dealing fairly with nonprofits, and that I created my own upsets with them. She including more hard-hitting comments in this message. She filled her message with self-congratulatory and self-righteous praise about herself and her credentials. I pulled up this online friend's profile and noted that this person had removed me from her networks. I could no longer post on her page though I was able to see posts. And I saw the "Add Friend" button which you see on the profies of users who are not in your networks. I was so upset by this person's discarding me from her networks that I consulted a counselor and vented my upset and hurt to that counselor. The online friend eventually added me back to her network and left her cause because of how events unfolded among her colleagues and because of much turmiol in her personal life. Eventually this person ended up deactivating her Facebook account because of personal stress in her online life. Moral? Online people are people and are "real people," and are NOT encouraged by social networks to build lasting friendships or persevere when things get rough in cyberspace. In "real life," we are more likely to work things out, where on social networks, there are options to "unfriend," and to "block" undesirable people, as well as the option to deactivate one's account completely.

In my opinion, Facebook and other social networks tend to discourage real, enduring friendships where we work through differences, through the very way most of them are set up. Take the "unfriend" button that can be found at the top of each Facebook users's profile and in other forms on other social networks as well as the "Block" and "Report" buttons (which I know needs to be used if a user IS an ACTUAL threat) that can be found on each user's profile, on Facebook and most other social network sites. It's too easy to remove a person from our networks simply by wading through our friends' lists, hitting the "x" after their names and presto! they are gone. If, for any reason, you decide that you don't want to deal with a person online, you do not, as you may in-person, have to resolve the conflict or work through the difference. You can get rid of an annoying person by hitting the "x" name (as mentioned earlier) or by pulling up their profiles to get the "Unfriend" button and to hit it. You can even block them so you don't see them (nor they you) online. Where many of us would work things through in-person, in my opinion, it's all too easy, online, to "unfriend" or block people rather than to engage them and to resolve our conflicts. Isn't this one reason for the private message option on social networks? If we would use the private message option more and the "unfriend" option less, we may move closer to forming more real, enduring friendships online.
In my own experience, I rarely "unfriend" or block people in my network unless I'm positive that I must do so, to protect myself from cyberstalking or worse). Never do I remove people for differing with me on political or religious issues, for promoting causes that I don't share their passion for, or because I don't "like" them. These are reasons that I have lost many Facebook friendships. Sometimes word would get back to me that people didn't like to see me fill their homepages with causes or charities; this has been true especially among those among my local friends or acquaintances. A few family members have "unfriended" and even blocked me without notice, but for what I suspect are legal reasons. Petty differences, misunderstandings and jealousy issues have caused a few people in the world of missing people to remove me from their networks, even to block me. It all makes me wonder what has happened to working together for a cause we all care about and transcending our differences and embracing one another? As I read my Bible, both in the Old and New Testaments, one of the things our God hates most is disunity among His people. The night before He died for us, Jesus prayed fervently for the unity of God's people throughout future generations. Do we want to be a part of what upsets our God?

In my current social networking experience, I have come to realize, the hard way, that even people who appear to be legitimate and are considered so by others to be so and are even highly praised, may not be what they seem. People are not what they appear to be, in countless cases. I have, because of this and many life experiences, come to feel that I can trust very, very few people. And despite my efforts to be real and honest, it seems that the feeling is mutual. This atmosphere of distrust and suspicion, based on our wide-spread, dishonesty, is another reason friendships are so difficult to form. But the scams and online bullying, online harassment, predators online (not to mention offline) make it worse online. Also? Friends are people who do things for each other and with each other, according to the tradional definition. In almost all cases of people whom we know only though cyberspace (unless we can travel), we are unlikely to meet the online friends in person. So we cannot physically get together with them. And we cannot do things for each other, like help one another with things like moving. There are definite limitations to friendships that exist online only.

I have come to see that maybe, even for the sake of raising awareness about my causes, that adding too many people, especially those unknown even to those in my network, may not be a good idea. I have since learned that this can detract from connecting with real, dedicated friends and supporters as I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with all of these people. Daily, I used to make it a point to leave birthday greetings on the Facebook Walls of each of my friends celebrating birthdays that day or the day before, or in private messages. I don't do it anymore because it was too time-consuming and because of emerging turmoil in my personal life.There are people, mostly males, who want to chat with me just to chat and "get to know me better." I'll chat for awhile or I'll just ignore the Chat feature. I realize the soundness of the idea of "cleaning out" one's friends lists of people who don't correspond with you, whom you suspect may be fake profiles, or to who you can't be the kind of friend they want or even demand (asking for money or romance, for example). In short, it's fine to find many people who will support your cause and help you get the word about it, but awareness should not come at the cost of real friends.

Maybe a smaller friends list consisting of real, devoted friends and supporters is much better than a large list of many "friends" who are more than numbers in your network.

Here are some fine social networking sites where, depending on how active you become there, you can make good connections and form real friendships.

The Talk About it! Foundation This is a social networking site for people with epilepsy, their families and for people who simply want to show support.

The Global & Regional Asperger's Syndrome Partnership (GRASP). This is a social networking site for young people and adults with autism, for their families and for those who simply want to show support.

Autism Support Network. This is a social networking site, whether you are a parent of an autistic child, a professional who works with autistic persons or a person with autism.

FAITHBOOK. This is a social networking site for anyone and everyone with a Christian worldview to connect.

Small Daisies This photo can be found here. Headset and Laptop This photo can be found here. Both these photos are courtesy of PicDrome.com