My Faith....Where I Stand Today, by Melissa Fields

I was born Catholic....and I grew up hating God.
Because i felt like he was just like all the stern priests and nuns
and that He was just like my mean stern and abusive father too.
Then i met a family who further turned me off on religion
because they also taught me that God was stern and that He wanted me to suffer too.
They taught me that it was not okay to question and analyze
that God would even take away my TV if He wanted to
these were Charismatic Catholics who also told me
that if I didn't speak in tongues that i was not a real Christian and that i would go to hell
Every time it seemed that whenever God's word was read to me
it was always presented to me as a thing all Christians *HAVE* to do
much like taking your daily medicine..it doesn't taste good, but you have to do it
so it is no small wonder that i have always felt a such a displeasure and disinterest at reading the Bible
for one thing, it all takes place in Medieval times, for another,
God's word has always been used on me to tell me what to do,
how to think, and don't do this, do that
Even so, i tried.
Since I hated Catholicism, I began attending a Southern Baptist church
and tried things their way--I even got baptized by full immersion
but i just found more in the way of the people there judging and condenmning me so harshly that i left
there feeling so discouraged, like i would never be able to please God
Next, I went to another Charismatic church, this one was nondenominational
and i came to embrace the Holy Spirit there
even so, i was going through alot of trauma at that time,
so i was acting out, having alot of meltdowns....some of the people there
got afraid and then i got ousted from there....told that i had a demon inside of me!!
On, did that ever scare me!!!
I went home that day and ripped all of my rock posters
of Metallica, Alice In Chains, Nirvana, Rob Zombie, etc, off my bedroom walls
But i still listened to those bands because i still loved that music
i still tried though...I watched Trinity Broadcasting Network,
went to more prayer meetings, and another Chrismatic church....
and then a Christian singles group....where, finally, i did find
a nice group of very kind real friends
people who did seem to really accept me
i was happy in the singles group
and then it went downhill as more cliquish people came in
i have been to a few more churches since then
But most of the Christian people i have met,
either want to fix me, or pray my autism away
or else they want to ignore me completely
today, i pray so hard that God will give me the means
to finally be able to move from here, and have my bucket list of dreams and places i so want to see.
but even as i know i still believe in God...maybe i still see Him as this mean cold stern God
who does not accept me as I am...whose word makes me feel even more judged and
condemned....
and maybe it is because so many people have let me down and walked away and given up on me
and it is the reason why now, when i see a word of Scripture, i turn away
because it reminds me of church and all those churchy people who tell me
that i can't cuss, or watch certain TV shows or listen to rock music, etc.,
that makes it all so unpleasant for me, and i don't want to hear or read it anymore.
The owner of one of these businesses here, is a Christian....
yet he wrote me a hateful email, condemning me for my yelling...he refused to understand
*George* ...was a Charismatic Christian, and so was his friend, *Michelle,* who also disliked me
who also would not welcome me into her heart, even though she too, has an autistic teenage boy
Most of my own family has even disowned me and left me to fend for myself.
Where does this leave me?
It leaves me doubting myself. Over and over again.
It leaves me doubting my faith, and even that God really loves me.
It leaves me doubting my very salvation.
It leaves me feeling weaker and weaker everyday.
This thing with *George*...almost killed me.
I still have awful nightmares about him.
He was very frightening when he was in his bad moods.
He did abuse me mentally, emotionally, and financially
when he was in his bad moods.
I don't know how long i still have on this earth
but as long as i have breath and am conscious, I am going to vent and write and vlog.
But i know this, i do hope that if i die because of my health issues
that God, in His infinite mercy, will be a God of love and mercy....
and that He will spare my soul.

By Melissa Fields  Re-printed With Permission
*George*  Name change by blog owner
*Michelle*  Name change by blog owner