Often I find it ironic that something that, decades ago, was considered a "rite of passage" and "just part of being a kid" and hence to be tolerated, is now a huge phenomenon and that there are many dollars, time, and resources being poured into raising awareness for it. Many nonprofits have been set up to prevent and end it. Websites, groups and pages are continually set up for it. And now an entire month is being set aside to focus on it. It was a big part of my life the determined, for the worse, what kind of education I would be fast-tracked into and made me feel robeed of a childhood and an education. I'm talking about peer abuse or what is most commonly known as bullying.
Yes, I do not think that bullying would ever come to have been taken so seriously and received so much awareness without the coming of cyberspace and cyberbullying and the high-profile cases of teens being driven to suicide because of bullying they experienced, often online. And the bullying among children is now taking place at younger and younger ages, is now being done to any children, and is being done through texting, emails, social networks, and other digital venues. Awareness does not seem, in my opinion, to be doing much to prevent or end bullying. We still hear the sad stories of bullycides and of bully survivors and their stories abound with tales of adults not taking their bullying seriously until, often, it was too late. Every time I read about or hear about one more story of another teen or even a child, taking their lives because they could not endure one more minute of being bullied, we get deeply concerned and outraged and we ought. We scream about preventing and ending the bullying. "Shame on these adults," we declare, "who do not take bullying seriously! It is THEIR FAULT that these bullycides happen! Shame, shame, shame!" And yet, this bullying does not stop or why or we still calling for more awareness events? And why does it always, without fail, take death and tragedy to get us to care enough about any human problem enough to do something about it?
Here is my bullying experience and even though the school bullying took place decades ago, I can assure you that since it is another word for peer abuse, this bullying left me with many of the same emotional scars that any other kind of abuse would leave. Abuse is abuse, no matter who does the abusing. I was a magnet for my bullies because of my differences. Adults tended to verbally or emotionally abuse me, no doubt in frustration, by making remarks such as: "You just don't want to learn," "You do it on purpose," "You will not make it in life," "You are mentally and physically lazy," "You do not have real problems; you are plain spoiled," and more. A few would lock me in closets to "teach me a lesson." My peers? They took the far more blunt approach. Many noted that in me they had a juicy target. Yes, I'm forever grateful that, along with so many in my generation and even younger, we had missed the digital age and so we did not have to deal with cyberbullying. Yet, and for the very same reason, the lack of awareness of bullying and what causes children to bully and to become the targets of bullying, added to the stress and trauma not only of the bullying itself but how adults handled it and the outcome of that intervention. Especially during my middle school years, my peers viciously bullied me. They called me names like "Retard," "Ugly," "Four-Eyes," "Stupid," Slow," and names not fit to be printed here. I spent one school year enduring this bullying on a daily basis. My peers beat me up, put cigarette lights to my hair, tripped me, grabbed my books and lunch money, and more. This all got so vicious that the educators at the school in question, in an age where there was no awareness of bullying, autism spectrum disorders, learning differences and others factors to cause children to be extra vulnerable, did not know what to do. Their solution? In consulation with my parents, they decided to place me in special classes, which I had already spent much of my childhood. Message to me? You are the problem, you need to be segregated with other problems and there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you! Twice bullied!
And bullying is not confined, by any means, to schools or to the young. Bullying happens to adults and is done by adults. There is workplace abuse and bullying and a prime example of that is when employers scream at employees and even fire them for inappropriate reasons or the sexual harassment that can take place at the hands of co-workers or employers. I experienced something of this when, many years ago, I worked in a retail store for months and was doing okay there, until a new employer took over. I was certain that he did not like me and this was confirmed when, one day, he cornered me and declared, "Your services are no longer needed." He did give me his phone number so that I could use him as a future reference in a job search, which puzzled me. However, I learned later that most of my co-workers had not been "laid off" as I had and a few others had been. Those of us who had been "laid off" had "special needs" or issues and so I believe that this was discrimination. And cyberbullying happens to people of all ages who use social networks. About two years ago, I had applied to volunteer for an online nonprofit and was almost immediately accepted. I set up an official page for them and, within hours, the page was hacked with questionable material going out to my newly-added contacts in my name, material that I would never have sent anyone. The contacts linked with this nonprofit tried to do "damage control" for me. I made the bad choice of letting a family member get involved concerning how to fix the computer. However, the hacking continued and my rapport with those linked with the nonprofit began to deteriorate as they thought that I should find a way to get my computer fixed faster; then, they decided that I was not qualified to volunteer for them. I was told, "I spoke with the CEO and we have agreed that you will not volunteer for us because we need people who will help our nonprofit, not hinder it." The said family member, seeing that I was shocked and devastated by the nonprofit's (to me) abrupt decision, intervened and expressed anger at the volunteer co-ordinator. After that, a contact with the nonprofit stated that everyone with the nonprofit was ordered to remove me from their official Facebook profiles for the nonprofit. That happened as I saw that my numbers were going down more and more and I also saw that a number of these contacts had blocked me totally. No one had to tell me that some bad-mouthing of me had to have been going on for this all to take place!! On the eve of my birthday two years ago, I had reported an online sex offender who was brought to our attention and, minutes later, i received a friend request from him which I just ignored. That was not wise; I should have blocked him and marked the request as spam. On the morning of my birthday, I logged into facebook and posted my causes on group pages. Then I visited my homepage and was dismayed and anxious when I saw this warning: "You are being asked to remove pornographic or other materials that are offensive to other users or else your account may be disabled." And I have seen numerous posts by adults in my networks about things that had been done to them online, hacking, impersonation, gossip, hateful comments and more, and have seen numerous hateful posts directed especially at politicians, not to mention hateful pages, websites and causes. Online bullying! It knows no age limit!
It is because of my awareness of bullying and efforts to try to avoid the appearance of bullying, including online bullying, that I get hurt when, especially in connection with my petition campaign and less often, seeking followers for this blogspot, I have been accused of bullying or peer abuse when I have expressed hurt or frustration about lack of support. Related to this, I have heard of accusations of online bullying where it seemed to me that the said individuals were venting frustration or expressing opinions. Bullying or peer abuse, like any form of abuse, actually occurs on a very broad spectrum and often wind up being very gray areas. Take the matter of spanking or any physical punishment, like putting soap in a child's mouth. Many advocates and nonprofits consider these to be a form of child abuse now, when these were very normal and even commended when I was growing up. Sexual harassment and lewd comments, made especially to a child or another vulnerable person, are considered sexual abuse today. Things like this were dismissed almost as "normal" and a "male thing" when I was growing up. I wonder if abuse, especially peer abuse, is so hard to address because often abuse is hard to pin down, define and, especially, to prove.
Then there is the issue of not merely bullying or abuse itself but of the bystander issue and what we do if we witness abuse, including peer abuse and even if, if just to fit in, we may contribute to bullying or abuse. Now, unless I'm missing something, I'm sure that many, even most of you reading this will hotly deny that you have ever been guilty of these things and have ALWAYS stood up to bullies and abusers. And you would NEVER, even to "fit in," ever have contributed to bullying! Not even as a child growing up! But I think that those of us who are more honest will admit that, being human, that there have been times, especially in childhood, that we have been bystanders, watching others being bullied but feeling powerless to stop it and so we did nothing even though we may well have felt sorry for the victim. So much bullying/bystander behavior happens because of insecurity and wanting to "fit in." I must make confessions in this regard concerning my school years. In a Girl Scout troop meeting for a church-based school (BEFORE my vicious public school bullying experience), I found myself in the VERY unusual position of, in the name of "fitting in" and being "cool," adding to the bullying of the girls who had been and who continued to bully me after the said incident. I wrote a poem disparaging the girl in question and, though it ended up in the trash and I don't think she had to see it, I still feel guilt and shame to this very day for my role in her bullying experience. All to "fit in"! And it did not keep me from further bullying by thse girls! An experience as a bystander happened when I was at a camp, possibly even BEFORE this time frame. All of us were in a pavilion doing artwork and then we ate lunch. As I recall it, a camp counselor was yelling at one of the girls and a number of my peers laughed at her. I felt sympathy for this girl but I must confess that I did not speak up in her behalf. After all, I did not even know the story but still, could this girl not have used someone coming to her defense? I still feel guilt about this, even today.
It is never ever pleasant or comfortable to even think that one's beloved, precious child can be a bully. It is bad enough to face the reality that your child may be bullied. But both must be faced as bullying is an epidemic and, at the end of this blog, I will provide the link to the Stomp Out Bullying website. This nonprofit exists to prevent and end peer abuse and the focus is exclusively children and teenagers, 17 and under. All of us who are parents and who have Internet access, would do well to explore this website, educate ourselves about bullying and cyberbullying and about how we can prevent and end it. This all applies to me now as a parent, for, as I write this, I have a daughter who is in middle school and who is vulnerable because she is on the autism spectrum. It is often said that abuse and bullying are best prevented and ended at home, by both modeling and teaching empathy, kindness and compassion. And as for those many of us who have survived or are being bullied or abused right now, there are forums and resources. I will privide a link to a site where bully survivors of any page can share stories of all types of bullying and abuse, find support and inspire others. For one thing about surviving abuse of any kind is that we can share our experiences and help, encourage and inspire others. This is often overlooked as a form of advocacy. But none of our life experiences ever are wasted if recycled to help others.
http://stompoutbullying.com/
This is the website for parents, educators, children and teenagers aged 17 and under. The site provides comprehensive information and many services for children and teenagers, to prevent and end all forms of bullying. They also link to a sister site with the Love Our Children USA and this sister site and nonprofit focuses on other forms of crime and violence against children. Stomp Out Bullying has a hotline and a live chat feature, though limited, where bullying victims can contact this nonprofit. However, when a victim is suicidal, they are directed to a suicide hotline.
http://bullyinglte.wordpress.com/category/personal-bullying
This is a website and forum for people of any age, from the youngest to adults, can share stories of surviving all forms of bullying, find support and support others.
http://www.rachelschallenge.org/
This site was set up by the father of Rachel Scott, the first shooting victim in the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton, Colorado. During the final years of her short life, Rachel expressed her deep Christian faith through living a life full of acts of kindness, compassion and caring, in school and out of it. Her father began this nonpartisan, nonreligious nonprofit, along with family members and others connected with Columbine. They travel all over the US and share Rachel's story in any setting where they are invited, passionately seeking to prevent and end peer abuse by spreading a message of living lives of love, empathy, kindness and compassion.
http://peerabuse.net
This is the one and only website that is devoted to adult survivors of peer abuse.
No comments:
Post a Comment