Rejection Over And Over

by Melissa Fields on Monday, October 22, 2012 at 3:43am ·

I feel the darkness and cold coming on again
The coldness of yet another person
in my life coming
to that place where they are about to give up on me
I have come to know the feelings all too well
I have come to learn what the signs are
the disconnect, the way i am talked over and no longer listened to
I feel as if i am being gutted to death yet again
all of my insides are raw from all of the intolerance
all of the hate, all of the impatience
being hurtled at me
it is as if i am not supposed to belong or be liked
it is as if i am not supposed to have any friends
do you know how cruel it is when you say to me
that what i feel does not natter
when you tell me
why can't you act normal
why do all these things have to be such
a big deal to you
it's just money
it doesn't matter how it's folded
so stop making such a big deal out of this
so what if my windows are so dirty
that you can't see out of them
this is my car, you don't matter to me
i will listen to my iPod
i will text message all i want
while i am in your house
no matter how much this bothers you
because you don't matter to me
i'm not here for you
i don't care about you
this is my job
and you are just my time card
i want you to just stop being autistic
just stop being different
start being normal
because the way you are is unacceptable
and annoying to me now
all who befriend me and become my caregivers
all start out like they understand and accept
me as the way that i am
but then after awhile they all lose their patience and i suddenly
become too much for them and then i am left
right back out in the bitter icy cold
feeling like an utter piece of dirt
all over again
i have lost several good friends this year
all because my autism got to be too much for them to bear
it just reaffirms the way i was made to feel
all of my life growing up
i was damaged goods then, i am damaged goods now
all of you just throw me away
when i stop being comvenient for you to
have as a friend
well guess what?
I have feelings and when you treat me this way
IT FUCKING HURTS
My heart bleeds rivers upon rivers of tears
Someday, i will have enough
and my worn out heart will simply cease to beat
and then all of you will have won another victory against another disabled person
who only wanted to be loved
who only wanted to be accepted
who only wanted a fighting CHANCE in her life
on this earth!!!!!!

By Melissa Fields. Re-Printed With Permission
 
Note by Blog Owner: This poem is unedited with a one word of profanity. I left the peom intact because it expresses exactly the pain, heartbreak, hurt and anget that so many people, and in other disability groups (not only autism), deal with on a daily basis. I, too, deal with these feelings on a daily basis. I hope that it helps you to look into the world of so many, especially with misunderstood disabilities and to feel the pain that is felt by so many and because of stigma, bullying and ignorance in society. Let this poem serve as a mirror of how far we in our society have yet to go in making this world a more welcoming place for those with disabilities.