Abuse By Other Names

     If you have been following the news, I'm sure you are awareness of the firestorm of protests and controversy of a statement that the Rep. Todd Atkin had made, where he stated that women who are "truly raped" will not get pregnant because their bodies "turn on a mechanism" in response to this traumatic experience. And he is not the only "pro-life" person who has made such a remark, I have read similar remarks in life-affirming books to to prop up their case that abortion should not be available to women who get pregnant as a result of rape or incest. This argument does not hold up because many women get pregnant even in situations of great stress or trauma. I will not be getting into any discussion about life/choice arguments here; I only brought this up because of the efforts such statements make of calling abuse or crime another name or redefining it.
     Social networks have proved to be a wonderful networks for many, many people to share their experiences of abuse, crime or trauma and to give and receive support, as well as validation for their perseverence, strength and courage to weather their storms and to emerge as better people. "I am a survivor of abuse," many Facebook users and bloggers and other social networkers proclaim on their profiles. I cannot count all the posts and comments where people have stated, "I have survived abuse" and this simple statement and calling themselves "survivors of abuse" seems to garner support, sympathy, attention and validation for them for what inspirational people they are, to have suffered and to share about their abuse. I know that many people use social networks almost solely to receive support from others and to heal from pasts of abuse or crime, or at least it is clear that they are using social networks for this reason.
     I remember that, on my birthday two years ago, I experienced the shock of getting up, logging into Facebook to post my causes on group pages, when my eyes turned to my home page and I could NOT miss this warning, "Because you have posted pornographic material or other materials that are deemed offensive to other users, you are receiving this warning to immediately remove these offensive materials or your account may be terminated." I was startled! What?! But I knew who was behind this one. The evening before, I had reported a sex offender whose highly offensive profile photo, which was of a sexual organ, was up on his profile and his screenname was so obscene that it is unfit to print here. I felt that it was my moral obligation to report someone who was an obvious danger to the public, certainly to online users, including minors who use our networks! That evening, I received a friend request from the person whom I just reported, which I should have seen as a bright red flag, blocked and reported immediately. Unfortunately, I did not do that. I just ignored the request, hoping it would go away. I went to bed soon after, excited about my birthday but I found that I was in for a very rude awakening when I saw that warning that Facebook sent to me; clearly, this person had tried to add me, only to steal my online identity and report himself as a sex offender, impersonating ME!
     I was so upset that I did not know what to do. I was upset with how Facebook seemed so unresonsive to its users when they have complaint, and legitimate ones. And yet they take this online impersonator's compaint seriously! I posted on a group page about this, hoping to get a sympathetic comment. I visited the page, and soon another person, in response to the page status update about the value of people, said something like, "I don't trust anyone but those in my family. My boyfriend ruined my ability to trust people. He raped me years ago and so, as a result, I AM NOBODYS FOOL." And the person (s) who was running the page at the time, missed my comment about my cyberbullying experience and wrote a long, supportive and validating comment to the person whose comment "trumped" mine and said that their nonprofit would "be there for her" and render her support whenever she needed. I was indeed sorry that this person has experienced the trauma of being raped by a "boyfriend" and, judging from later comments, where she said she had "worked through the rape," she was doing okay and had made the transition from victim to survivor.
     I bring this experience up which I had on my birthday, because it shows that there are one form of abuse, whether it is done in person or online, that is taken less seriously than other forms of abuse and is never called abuse. Instead, it is called bullying and it seems that the very term suggests that it is therefore does not qualify to be called abuse. Was that why the administrator of that page picked up on that user's comments about an experience which everyone would define as abuse, and missed mine in the shuffle because her post was apparently compelled more attention because she was talking about what anyone would call traumatic? You have no doubt guessed that I'm talking about bullying, whether in person or online, being singled out not as abuse but meriting another name. And why? Is it not abuse because the abusive acts are much the same as are other abusve acts. In the case of bullying, whether the acts are being done by children to other children, or by adults to other adults, the acts committed have much the same impact on the victims as do similar acts of abuse committed by non-peers.
     Many years ago, a story of a 15 year old girl's rape was made public because of the controvasy surrounding it. Why the controversy? The rape was commit by her peers! Because it was done to her by some boys and they were claiming that "she had consented," her parents had much trouble getting her rape classified as rape and, with their daughter's brave permission, made this story public because they wanted rape to be trated as that even when it was done by one peer to another. Why does our society minimize abuse and crime when it is done peer to peer? I don't understand. About the only time violent acts by peers against peers seem to be taken seriously, are when people, young or older, react in pent-up rage to past bullying by striking back and "more than leveling the playing field" by taking their peers' lives. I wonder, would thse massacres have happened if someone had taken their concerns about being excluded, rejected and bullied, seriously?
     In my years on social networks, I have read many survivor stories of people have have experienced many different forms of abuse and there are many social networking sites, nonprofits and
websites set up for survivors of all different forms of abuse. Only recently have I seen anything for survivors of peer abuse, and there are far fewer resources for adult survivors of this form of abuse than there are for survivors of any other form of abuse. I think that many people, even now, see bullying as a "phase" and a "part of being a kid" and so it keeps being minimized. And, lest we forget, bullying is NOT just to by children and teens to other children and teens. It is also done by adults to other adults! For example, over two years ago, I experienced what I count to be cyberbullying, pure and simple, though the online bullies would certainly call it anything but! I had signed up to be a volunteer for a respected nonprofit because I had a number of their volunteers and staff members in my social networks already, and a few had taken a real interest in me. For about a week, things were okay, though dealings between this nonprofit, my family and me broke down and became a disaster. This nonprofit dismissed me as a volunteer, which was upsetting enough to me. But, what was much worse, I was told that everyone was under orders to remove me from their social networks on their official pages for the nonprofit. Some of their volunteers went beyond this and blocked me completely from their personal and official Facebook pages. I felt betrayed and deeply hurt and, as this was around the holidays, this saddened my holidays. What was hardest about it all was knowing that this nonprofit KNEW BETTER and, to this day, has many supporters who are in my network.
     I have often recounted my many experiences with peer abuse in my childhood and teen years because of my differences, and my sometimes experiences of emotion, and even physical abuse by adults, also for this same reason. It is said that certain children and teens are prime targets for bullying and they have the same traits of those who are extra vulnerable to other forms of abuse or crime. For thse same reasons and because abuse hurts, including when done peer to peer, it leaves the same type of emotional scars no matter who has done the abuse or no matter what form this abuse takes. Especially if this abuse is done to children or teens with developing self-concepts and growing bodies, it is especially devastating and has the most long-term effects on a person's self-concept and personality. Even today, I am still quite sensitive (many would and have said, "hypersensitive") largely because of my background. No matter what form (s) of abuse one may be a survivor of, one's scars will be much the same.
     There is a rapidly-growing, new Facebook cause called, "Let's Fight Against Peer Abuse," which has the mission of changing the term bullying to what it should be--peer abuse. The fact that this Facebook cause is growing rapidly is the recognition that people have is that abuse is abuse, no matter who does it and who it is done to. Abuse is abuse.
    
    

When People Re-Invent Themselves

          For many years, a woman used her experiences as a September 11 survivor to connect with other survivors. She had not only lost her fiance in the horrible bombing but she was in the blast herself and saw others die before her very eyes. She had sustained burns that landed her in a hospital. She won the trust, admiration and love of other survivors; she organized events and support groups that were geared to survivors only. When they heard her story, the others expressed amazement, exclaiming, "How can you be so positive!" and "Your story makes our problems seem so minor!" This woman's courage and story won the attention of the media and an article was written about this woman. She met the Mayor and then the President. Other survivors saw her as an indespensible, courageous, remarkable mentor and giver. What was wrong with her story? None of it happened! She had no fiance, was not in the twin towers or even in the US at the time!
          When I was new to Facebook, it was through a missing person advocate that I was introduced to the world of missing people. Before that I saw stories of a few tragic kids on talk shows. As a mom, I was utterly frustrated that missing people were not getting much-deserved attention. So I began using Facebook. This advocate was a country singer who worked with families with missing loved ones and had a fan page full of missing person posters and information. I was stirred by his devotion and passion for missing people. Many people looked to him as their hope to bring home their missing loved ones home. He began recruiting volunteers for his nonprofit. The problem with this advocate? He was not what he said he was!
          Well over a year ago, I followed a case on a popular TV talk show. During that time, the host related two shocking stories of ladies who had been attacked by having been doused with acid. Along with everyone else, I was horrified at this brutality and felt sympathy for these unfortunate women. What was the problem with the tragic story of the woman with the even more-scarred face? Another person did not put them there, as she had claimed. She had done it to herself and staged it all to look like a terrible attack on her!
          A couple of years ago, I was watching my local evening news. The TV anchor reported about an aged woman who bravely reported her brutal rape to authorities. She has major physical challenges. Along with my family, I was angry that someone was evil, cowardly and low enough to take such advantage of a helpless, powerless, aged woman, and violate her. What was wrong that we were producing so many monsters with no empathy? But I was amazed at this lady's courage. What was wrong with her tragic story and her bravery? None of it happened; she made it all up!
         Months ago, we heard the heartbreaking story of a woman who was diagnosed with cancer. She was scared, overwhelmed and badly in need of help. Her family was worried about her. Her story came to the media's attention. People, deeply moved by this desperate woman's sad story, rallied around her, surrounding her with prayers, monetary donations and other support. Mention the word cancer and people are always moved to care and to help an individual or a family living with it. What was wrong with this woman's sad plight? It was all made up! She didn't have cancer!
          A couple of years ago, I was looking at posts on my Facebook newsfeed. I was drawn in by the heart-wrenching story and poster of a mother  and her child, who had been abducted. We Facebook users who cared about missing people circulated the available information on this mother and child. Their troubling story made news headlines. Many resources were poured into the search for this mother/daughter pair. The public was deeply concerned and wanted to help; their story touched the whole US. The trouble with it? This mom had staged her abduction and taken her daughter to Disneyland!
          Many years ago, many individuals came forward to disclose their Vietnam Veteran status and were accorded much-deserved "war hero" status and the praise and acclaim that every veteran should have as proper thanks for their brave service to their country. These people received financial benefits and entitlements that were reserved for veterans. The trouble with many of these veterans? They did not exist! They had never been in Vietnam or had not not been in any combat zone! Many years ago, a popular book documented many of their stories of "stolen valor."
          Years ago, a Wall Street stockholder won the trust of many investors, who trusted all their $$$ and their life savings to him. They sensed that their assets were in good hands and they were not concerned. These invsetors rested assured that their life savings would be there when they needed that money. This person was obviously a person of good will and integrity. What was wrong with him and the outcome for his investors? Their money was all gone; their life savings had been wiped out! It went to line HIS pockets!
          In my first year as a Facebook user, I added a person who was a law enforcement officer (LEO). In the world of missing people and crime victim advocacy. LEO's are generally help in the highest esteem as they are the center of investigations and their work is seen closely; the risks LEO's take to safeguard our freedoms and their work are seen as it really is. This was only one of a number of LEO's I added. Many others in the world of missing people also added this LEO. What was the trouble with this one LEO? He had never worn "the shield"!
          Over a  couple of years ago, a girl's sad story of being brutally gang-raped was featured on a TV talk show. Four boys had done this to her. Immediately, the public was outraged at these horrible boys for this violent crime and deeply sympathetic toward this poor girl. What kind of monsters were we raisng these days? we wondered. Why are kids getting so violent? What was wrong with this girl's traumatic experience? It never happened! She made the entire story up!
         The Amber Alert program, though far from perfect, saves the lives of many abducted children who are fortunate enough to have witnesses or other evidence to their kidnaps so that they can meet the criteria for this lifesaving program. Without this program, many abductions would probably end in tragedy. What is wrong with some of these Amber Alerts, then? They are based on abductions thatr have never happened! Such Amber Alerts are frequent enough that we, the public, are sometimes urged to fact-check any Amber Alert or other missing-person alert before circulating it.
          A woman who had formerly dated a popular athlete went public with her story of his rape of her in a hotel. We sympathized with her and looked upon the athlete with suspicion. Did he do it?  I was sick and tired of these celebrity scandals and stars thinking that they were above the law! And why, would he choose to rape this woman when, as a star, he "had his pick" in women to date? The reason for that? He never raped this woman in the first place! She had made her survivor story up.
          On my page, it seemed that maybe up to about half of those in my network are survivors of various traumas in life, particularly abuse in childhood. Some seemed to be almost proud of their survivor stories. One user posted around the Christmas holidays one year something like, "Give other survivors a gift this holiday. Tell the world 'I am a survivor' on your status. Give many other survivors the courage they need to come forward with their stories! Be empowered!" I see nothing wrong with this; we need to break the code of silence that surrounds so many invisible needs. The trouble with this? One day, I saw a post by a Facebook user. He posted something like this for his status: "Please stop setting up fake survivor profiles to get our attention and our sympathy. You are wasting our time and resources."
          What do these examples all have in common? They involve people making up stories about themselves, pretending to be what they are not, sometimes even taking money or other resources, and in all cases shamefully betraying people's trust and misusing and expoiting people's compassion and good will. These are people have who re-invented themselves and their lives, driven by the urge to alter how people perceived them and related to them. They didn't like the dreary, lackluster reality of their lives. The reality wasn't good enough for them. That reality of themselves and their lives would never get them the attention, the admiration, the fame, the sympathy, or even the money or other resources that they wanted so desperately. So they decided to turn to lives of deception, manipulation and manufactured, re-invented lives and selves. They got to enjoy what they so longed for, temporarily, but as lies are, theirs ultimately caught up with them!
          There's nothing wrong with the longing for affirmation, belonging, appreciation and to make a significant difference with our lives. There is nothing wrong even with the desire to increase our assets. I have these desires and longings. We all do if we know ourselves and are in touch with our feelings. Many of these desires are good and praiseworthy if they move us to get "plugged in" and to connect with good causes or charities, things greater than and beyond ourselves. Wanting more money and things aren't necessarily bad if they motivate us to work hard for them and to improve our lives so we can contribute to society. It turns to greed when we want $$$ and things just for our own consumption and pleasure.  Wanting to be important to people is not a bad thing, as the Bible uses this desire as the basis as to a motive for the way we should live our lives. It tells us, "He who loses his life will find it" and "He who wants to be the greatest of all should be the servant of all." It's not our drives for these things that in themselves get us in trouble. It's trying to satisfy these desires in wrong, immoral ways.
          The outcome of hoax stories like this, the ones mentioned which are only examples, only generate an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust. Thanks to this sad phenomenon, we have entered the age of background checks. These background checks can be only expected to increase the more and more of these atrocities come to light. It is the information age, after all. We now live in a world where we are, in the court of public opinion, often regarded as guilty until proved innocent. Also, these who invent these hoaxes not only hurt and betray those who trust them as true and honest, but they hurt and cast suspicion on the many whose stories, unlike theirs, are true.
          We live in a culture where to be ordinary and average almost equals being worthless and desperate, troubled people see being average and ordinary as so unbearable to they have to feel the need to fake being something other than their average selves and re-invent their lives. I don't see any solution to this hoax phenomenon, but when such individuals' lies are found out, maybe seeing these people being held accountable for their actions will be a strong deterrent to many others. Maybe being true and real, however bored or unhappy we may be with our reality, is the most exciting reality of all.