The Tragedy Of Needing Tragedy For Unity

What a very dramatic week it has been, whether you are talking about nationally or personally. Nationally, all of US in the USA are feeling the effects of the monster storm that is called Hurricane Sandy, which is anticipated to be the worst and most damaging storm in US history. It was this past Sunday afternoon that I first learned about it on the news when returning home from Sunday worship services. As I write this, 44 people are confirmed dead and this means that 44 families are mourning the unexpected deaths of loved ones on top of everything else they are dealing with. And, this death toll is expected to rise. This all has happened at a politically inopportune time and very close to the US elections. But are politics on the minds of people, or on the minds of the millions of those in the affected areas, including those now 80.2 million people who are now without power? I do not think so! And, guess what? Our poiticians, who have been shown so much mean-spiritedness and petty vindictiveness, have, for the time being, set all of that aside. When asked "Are you worried about the impact of Hurricane Sandy on your Presidential campaign?" President Obama answered, "I'm not worried about the impact of Hurricane Sandy on my campaign. I'm worried about the impact of this hurricane on the countless people whose lives, homes, business and families have been affected" and that he knew that it would take a long time to recover from this hurricane's effects and pledged to help. The New Jersey Governor, who had, before this, made no secret of his disdain for supporters of the US President, has praised the President for his Presidential response to this entire situation and especially, on behalf of those in the affected states (his state among those most affected). In the wake of this terrible storm, this show of nonpartisanship is inspiring and heartening, though we know full well that it, sadly, will not last.

Last year, I recall that a very similar dynamic was at play. At that time, we in the US were undergoing a major economic crisis. In Washington, DC, both Houses of the US Congress were engading in bitter and ugly battles over how to balance the US budget. If you had been following the news, whether online or offline, you were aware of all the feuding over making hurtful cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid to balance the budget (advanced by the more conservative) vs. requiring millionaires and billionaires to pay more through increased tax revenues (as advanced by those with more liberal leanings). Both sides were strongly opposed to what the other side was proposing and no one was willing to give in. It was clear that compromise was needed, and such a solution would have something to please everyone, but not enough to satisfy anyone. But no one was open to this in Washington, except for the President, who was calling for compromise. Then, when the US House was casting their votes on this very matter, Congresswoman Gabrielle "Gabby" Giffords was brought in to cast her vote. If you recall the shooting, Gabby Giffords was one of those who was shot, and she was seriously hurt, having been shot in the head. She had a very long rehabilitation and fight to overcome the many serious effects of her traumatic brain injury. As she entered the room, the entire mood changed and everyone there was suddenly forced to see that they needed to unite to overcome their differences to do what was best for their country. Gabby had come to cast her vote because she so passionately wanted to do what was best for her country and for her own constituents; her perspective in the face of all that she had overcome had inspired everyone to vote their consciences. Had she not experienced her personal tragedy and overcome its effects to come and cast her vote, would our politicians have united to make a decision to balance the US budget that was the best for the country, all things considered?

We all recall the worst terrorist attack in US history that happened on September 11 over ten years ago. These attacks took about 3000 lives and the lives of countless people were turned upside down forever. As countless affected people grieved on a personal level and as the US grieved on a national level for the thousands of lives lost, we all came to see some things with sudden clarity. We realized the priceless value of every human life and that we were all in this together and we would all get through this together. The popular song, "United We Stand," was heard often on TV during commercials. We began to talk very frequently about unity. We witnessed our politicians from both opposing parties uniting to help survivors of September 11. It was good to see the new nonpartisanship, but why did we need a huge national tragedy to make it happen? I recall reading articles about people all over the US who pondered what the terrorist attacks meant for their families and lives. They would write about seeing the priceless value of their families and friends and how all this was brought into sharp focus because of the terrorist attacks. As for New York City, the most affected by the terrorist attacks as that is where the two twin towers were, this ciry suddenly presented to the rest of the world a strong united front. Before this, there had been a stereotype that people in New York stuck to themselves, no doubt because of the sheer density of their population and because of so many of them being close together. But, this common tragedy forced them to see how all of them were "in it together" as they felt free to reach out to each other. Yes, unity happened. But at what cost? It took a major tragedy and the loss of many lives for this unity to happen and for differences to be set aside.


Much closer to where I am, a woman who had been a close personal friend (at the time) of my mom's and was "going steady" with one of my uncles, experienced every mother's nightmare, along with another woman whom she had barely known or spoken to. I will always recall how I had returned home and, as soon as I walked into the house, I was shocked and horrified to hear, "Stacy was found murdered." Mom, as I recall, told me that Stacy, then age 15, was babysitting little Tyler, 3 years old. It was then that both thse children were found murdered in the bathtub of the apartement they were in! Mary, Tyler's mom, and Jude, Stacy's mom, were acquaintances before this terrible murder and had not spoken much. But, with this common loss and tragedy, they were forced into an exremely close bond unshared by anyone else in their lives. But at what a terrible cost! The story of the double murder of Stacy and Tyler has, many years ago, been told in the book, EVERY MOTHER'S NIGHTMARE, by Charles Bosworth, Jr.fit for justice for Tyler and Stacy was long and the investigation was slow, but justice was finally won. It all has been told in the book, which is no longer in print. The point for this discussion is that two moms who, before the horrific murder of their children, had little in common and a weak bond, now were closer than any other two moms. Their common tragedy transcended all their differences because of their shared pain, loss and sorrow. Over and over, in the past years of my online advocacy, I have seen this same dynamic among families of the missing or murdered. As I have, over the days, months and years, seen post after post, and comment after comment on PEACE4THEMISSING and on Facebook. I have seen the intense bond that thse families share. Their bond and common and intense caring for each other, transcends all their differences in religion, politics, and everything else. They often call themselves "the elite club of the families of the missing or murdered." The bullying and petty differences that I have witnessed on so many social networks, is absent among thse families and those who advocate for them. They treat each other as we all ought to treat one another, but why is tragedy needed for us to set aside our differences, especially in religion and politics, and care for each other and recognize our common humanity?

In the world of the missing and crime victims, many people are grieving the loss of a crime victim advocate named Susan Murphy-Milano. I have never known Susan personally or spoken with her, but what I have heard about her makes me wish I had known her. Many who support Susan share an intense bond of mutual caring and sharing. Susan, for those of you who may not be familar with her, had grown up in an abusive home. I do not know the details of her past, as she descibes in her memoir HOLDING MY HAND THROUGH HELL. Susan witnessed her father, in law enforcement, hellishly abuse her mother, and he abused Susan, too. Eventually, Susan's father killed her mother and then killed himself. As a result of this horrific murder-suicide of her parents, Susan became passionate about helping others experience domestic violence escape with their lives, as she did and transition from victims to survivors, as she had. Many people in my social networks had known Susan personally, as she had assisted many of them and mentored many. I understand that she has also written three other books. She also hosted her own radio broadcast, "The Susan Murphy-Milano Show." Also, she had also appeared on national TV shows. Earlier this year, she had been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer, and soon a Facebook prayer page was set up for Susan. Every time I visited this group page, I could see the bond and caring between all of those who Susan had helped, and who knew her and were supporting her. Their common bond was having been helped by Susan, their gratitude to her and their intense desire to support her and see her conquer her cancer. On pages such as this page that was set up for Susan, bullying and petty differences were absent and people treated each other as they should. It took the tragedy of one woman's cancer to bind many people, who loved her with passion because of what she had been to so many during her years of advocacy. Sadly, Susan lost her battle with cancer two days ago, but the community around her has not lost their bond of love, sharing and caring for one another.

This sad fact of needing tragedy for unity gets me to thinking about my own petition campaign. This weekend, I had read an article that surmised that all their most successful petitions have one thing in common: They are all surrounded by "human drama." In other words, it took tragedies to fuel people to sign these petitions and to be stirred up enough to pass them on to others, recruiting them to also sign these petitions. My Change.org petition, as many of you may know, is for autism and to appropriate, renew, and reallocate funds to cover all people with autism in the US through support services of various kinds. Over and over, I have wondered, with frustration, disappointment and sadness, why so many in and out of the autism community have not, to my knowledge, show widespread support for this petition's purpose in calling for coverage for people with autism of all ages; this petition calls for expanded coverage for children and coverage of now non-existent services for adults. I ask myself, will it take a tragedy to fuel people, in and out of the autism community, to convert my petition campaign into a grassroots movement? For, currently, I have been gathering, on the average, about 22 signatures a week and I know that this petition can and do much better. My fear is that this sad fact of a tragedy, especially in the autism community, will be needed to "light a fire" under this petition's mission and make it "go viral." And this sad fact should get us to see EXACTLY why God permits evil in our world, pain, sorrow, suffering and all forms of hardship and need. God, in His wisdom, knows full well that it takes a crisis in our lives to stop us in our tracks and force us to see what is really important. And, sadly, even that tragedies that so many people experience still fail to teach them what is really important is a reality. Suffering, even a life of suffering, is no guarantee that a person will become a better person, but only what he or she does with it. But, as we have seen over and over, it takes tragedy to bind us together. But, I may add, it does not take mere tragedy to draw us together. Often such tragedy had to be made high-profile and affect others also. This may explain my difficulty in gathering petition signatures: No tragedy that affects others, in connection with the autism community, has recently made the news.

None of us, of course, wills tragedy for ourselves or for anyone else. But the lessons of compassion, courage, perseverence, strength, patience and grace that often come from it, are priceless things that we would not want to be without and they only come through tragedy!

Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?