"How are you?" This is very much an everyday expression and one that is a conversational opener. I'm sure that we have all asked this and really meant it, really wanting to know how the other person is doing because we know them, we may have a vested interest in what happens to them and we identify with them. In other words and in a deep sense, what happens to them happens to us. This is true in the case of married people, parents and children, engaged people and close friends. But there is another sense where this everyday expression is frequently used in social small talk (which I have always disliked) and serves a different purpose than showing deep concern for the well-being of the other person. I'm not criticizing this use of this expression as a mere greeting, only illustrating that this is what it is, and why. In those small talk situations with people we do not know well, even total strangers, we use "How are you?" more as a greeting and a way to open the conversation. Do we really want to know how strangers or the acquaintances we use this greeting with, actually are? Do they really want to know how we are? I don't think so. In those instances, "How are you?" is not used for the purpose that it is used in caring relationships like the one mentioned earlier. And there is nothing wrong with that as we do not have time to go deep with every acquaintance. And there are many who are best suited to casual friendships because we share little in common with them or trust is not feasible for some reason.
"I'm fine." This one is often not what it seems to be on the surface and has been identified as one of our most common everyday lies. In situations where we are strangers are casual acquaintances, which is most relationships, we often respond to "How are you?" with "I'm fine." It does not matter what is going on in our lives or how badly we may be feeling at the time. We say "I'm fine" because we don't know the person or don't know them well and do not want to deepen the conversation; if we answered with other than "I'm fine," we may end up in a messy conversation. Plus, the element of trust is not there; we do not know how they would respond nor do they know how we would respond. I realize that there are many people that we have very little in common with or whom we cannot trust for some reason. And so we must always keep them as acquaintances and this is normal and okay for all of us; there is not enough time to cultivate many close relationships. But in those caring relationships, such as parent and child, spouses, engaged people and close friends, it is inappropriate to say "I'm fine" when things are not going well. We all need a few relationships where we can vent and be ourselves and know that we are uncondionally loved, and we need to give this kind of friendship to a few others. The saddest thing is when people have no relationships except those where they must say, "I'm fine." In my opinion, the hardest times, the worst times are when we get little or no support, not even objective bad experiences where people are almost always supportive, such as in bereavement. But whatever our situations, all of us say "I'm fine" when we are not.
"I really don't care." I know that many times we say this and really mean every word that we say; we actually do not care about the thing that we are talking about. But I wonder how many times we use this expression more to talk ourselves into not caring about situations that we have little or no control over or that we have lost hope for. I once had a conversation with a person who stated that she and her mother never spoke to each other and this woman had said that she did not ever care to speak to her mother ever again. Of course, I cannot see thoughts or motives but is it possible to be totally indifferent to having an estranged relationship with a parent? Even if this woman had understandable anger toward her mother for abusive or neglectful or disrespectful behavior toward her, is there not some element of sadness or heartbreak that such a relationship cannot happen, for some reason? Or is declaring indifference toward her mother an effort to convince herself that it should not matter and to reduce her own grief at that lost or ruined relationship? On Facebook, someone had created an "event" page that was called "International I Don't (Bleep) Day" with the expletive meaning "I don't care." What was this campaign all about? The very fact that an expletive was used in place of "I don't care," shows that what the "event" page creator really meant the online campaign to an expression of indifference born of anger and defiance. It is not for nothing that it has been said, "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference." So this online campaign was a way for people with gripes, legitimate or not, major or minor, to convince themselves that they did not care when actually they cared very much. As a child, I read a story where a girl was in a situation where she said, "I don't care!" but according to the author, she cared very much. How many times, when we learn that we are "unfriended" or even blocked on social networks, do many of us declare, "I really don't care"? I have seen my share of such posts. But I wonder. Rejection is rejection. even virtual rejection. Can emotions really remain in a vacuum? No love OR hate? I doubt it.
"We need to talk." Yes, I know that there are times that we say this when we really just want to socially chat and get to know a person. That is great. But, it seems that this phrase is used as a tool to lay the groundwork for bad or upsetting news that we need or desire to deliver to another person. This holds true especially if thse words are said in a serious tone of voice. Years ago, I was in a situation where a person approached me and stated, "We need to talk," and went on to say, "There is nothing to be scared of." I received an email from this person where she reiterated her point, saying, "I want to talk to you about stuff." A week or so later, this person took me aside and, bringing along another person for moral support, she asked me to remove myself from the situation that she and others were in because "this is not the thing for you." I was devastated at what, to me, was a stinging rejection! Two years ago, I applied to volunteer for a nonprofit and was accepted; however, I had computer issues and increasing conflicts with the volunteer co-ordinator. That day, I got an email from the person where she said, "We need to talk right away! Email me immediately!" I called her that evening and the conversation broke down. "Curse words and hateful words were exchanged between a member of my family and the volunteer coordinator. It was ugly! As a result, I was dismissed from the nonprofit and its volunteers wetre all told to remove me from their social networks. I was devastated and my holidays were saddened, as it happened at the end of the year. A year later, I applied to another nonprofit. I filled out the detailed application and provided all the materials requested, and even more to prove that I was qualified. I waited and waited. One day, the CEO of the nonprofit emailed me, requesting a phone appointment because, "we need to talk about your volunteer application." I knew that this was not a good sign and I was right! At the appointed time, the CEO called me and told me, "Your volunteer application was declined" and went on to tell me why, without giving me any solid reason for the rejection. Point? "We need to talk" often means that I need to talk to you about something I know you don't want to hear, and you must listen.
"But" This word is so often used as an adverb to contrast points in a sentence and is more straightforward when used in that fashion, as when used to contrast things, as in, "My folks are kind but firm." But, so often, "but" is used with a hidden meaning, as a disclaimer and as a way to cancel out, neutralize or even nullify what was said before. Last year, when the above-mentioned CEO of the nonprofit had called me about my volunteer application, she began the call with, "We have been glad to have you as a supporter and you have shown, from the content of your application and writing, that you are a go-getter, that you have a big heart...but..." and then she launched into a brief and to me, vague reason as to why I was not welcome to work as an official volunteer. To me, she may as well have omitted saying any good things because of what followed after the "but"! And, many years ago, I was reading a book about a family who raised their daughter in their faith and who had expressed concern over her involvement with a boy of another faith who would not be a good mate for their daughter because of their different worldviews. The chapter starts out by praising the followers of the said religion and their sterling character qualities. Then the author goes into his "but" and then why a person of the said faith could not be a good fit for his daughter and the painful breaking up of the relationship. "But" here was used more as a disclaimer than as a word that nullifies the meaning of what was said before. And, in my application to the said nonprofit as mentioned above, in the form which I had to fill out for my background check, in the hope that my willingness to be upfront and candid would shine forth to the CEO of the said nonprofit, I wrote in a "but" and my concerns about an item, based on family experience, that might, through no fault of my own, show up in my background check. The CEO did not see my disclaimer as I did nor was she impressed by my forthrightness; instead, she took my "but" as a sign that the nonprofit "could not trust me implicitly." To her, my "but" nullified everything else that I said in the application. in my writings and in our first phone interview.
"No Comment" This one is actually, in a sense, a comment, or else why would we even say that? A more professional way to say it, as lawyers, policemen and other professionals put it, is, "I cannot comment on this matter." In such cases, this means that all information must be withheld to protect the integrity of investigations and pending court cases. That makes perfect sense. But in social, more informal situations, the words "no comment" are often loaded words. Years ago, I was watching a popular talk show when a guest came on who was in disfavor with many of those who had appeared on the talk show because of their judgment of her lifestyle. Once, when they were discussing her and she was not on the air, the talk show said about this guest, "No comment from me." Actually, I suspected that this talk show host was just withholding negative words about the guest. A year ago, I saw in a Facebook discussion thread comments about a certain politician whom I disliked because of his hypocritical lifestyle and his way of presenting himself. In the comment area, I posted, "No comment from me on this individual." Actually, I wanted to give an opinion but I did not but used the expression as a way to mention something about the person while withholding my negative remarks. Another time, in a Facebook discussion thread, I mentioned something about how I was raised to handle or not to handle situations. The person who began the discussion said, "I will not go into how I was raised but..." and launched into her talk about developing good character traits. It seemed to be her way of withholding negative information about her family of origin.
"I'm sorry." Yes, I know that often, when we say this we really mean this as a genuine apology for having done something that we should not have, or we are expressing regret or sorrow over something that has happened to someone else or ourselves. When people share with me survivor stories of things that have happened to them, whether it is abuse of any kind, illness or loss, I always say or post. "I'm so sorry for your loss," "I'm sorry that that has happened to you" or "I'm sorry that you are dealing with that." And I see much of this response from others when people say in-person or post online about past or present hardships. And I have witnessed sincere aplogogies like the one made by a certain talk show hose where he took full responsibility for his words and expressed regret over their impact on the person that he had bad-mouthed. He made no excuses for his words. either. On the other hand, I have heard way too many apologies that really are not aplogies at all as the individuals do not take responsibility for their behavior or words and even blame the other person (s). A most common one is, "I'm sorry IF (emphasis mine) I have hurt your feelings, offended you or misled you..." and this one is very common. I'm sure that I have used this one myself; it is so easy to say. In some cases where this is said, the person saying these words truly has done no wrong and is not out of line in wording it as such. And I'm the first to admit that making true apologies, when needed to repair a relationship, where no excuses are made, is not easy! After all, though it was once said that, "Love means never saying that you're sorry," I think we should know that, in an imperfect world, love does mean saying "I'm sorry" when that is needed for a relationship.
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