When it comes to many things in life, we often have to make choices where we can never really be sure that we have done the best thing until after things have happened. We are called to apply what we understand and value and to apply it to situations. Let me give a number of examples of tightroap, murky situations that others and/or myself have been in or dealt with where we had to make choices and we have not been able to tell whether we have done what was best or not.
Openness vs. Confidentiality. Here we are talking about balancing people's right to know about matters that affect them or that they need to know about to protect themselves and others, and protecting the confidences of individuals. In my family life, I have encountered numerous situations where I was told to protect the confidences of family members even though revealing these matters could heal relationships or even save lives. In the most critical situations, I have wondered if I have leaned too much to the end of keeping things confidential which should be exposed to repair a relationship or even save a life. It is infinitely more difficult to reveal the secrets of family members that one must deal with on a regular basis where safety is an issue, than to expose acquaintances or strangers. Take the matter of marital problems. I have adopted a policy of revealing struggles between my spouse and myself only to immediate family or to counselors. I have wondered if I lean too much toward confidentiality in these instances, where sharing certain things could serve as a catharsis for myself or allow others to provide me with guidance or direction. But then I know that sharing these matters would embarrass my spouse and and cause others to ask unwelcome questions. I maintain a strict policy NEVER to share any marital struggles with members of the opposite sex unless it is a pastor or another objective professional. And I certainly never share any personal information of any kind of my family on social networks--period. I know that there are many people in my social network who share many personal things about themselves. This is their choice and rests between themselves and their family members. However, when it comes to myself and my own struggles with my past and present differences and how they affect me in every way, that is different. Being open about these matters, in general in my videos on this blog, and in more detail to trusted persons, is helping me experience validation and affirmation which I have never known until recently. In regards to my petition, openness in sharing my own story about my differences past and present and how they have affected and still affect me, enables me to draw people into this cause through the power of sharing stories. And in regard to suicidal persons, I have had to bring a few to the attention of others, even when doing so violated their privacy because that was needed to save their lives. I have had to do this recently with a person in my social networks and more than once. And in this instance, with this person's complex issues, knowing what to do in her situation had been quite unclear.
Diplomacy vs. Confrontation. Because of the very natures of my personality leaning toward hating conflict and pleasing people, and struggling far more with face-to-face social encounters than online or through written communication, this one is a tough one for me. In many cases I have sensed that caring confrontation was needed but I chose to be diplomatic and not hurt their feelings. It has always been relatively easy to confront close family members because I am much more comfortable with them than I am with friends or acquaintances who do not "have to love me." I know full well that they are not going to cut me out of their lives if they get upset with me. Plus, they know that they are loved and it is in their best interests. In friendships, where I know full well that people can easily end the friendships if they get too upset with me, I'm not comfortable with telling them things that they need to hear for their own benefit. Currently, in my social networks, a situation has arisen where a friend and are are wondering what form our confrontation of a certain online person should take, how and when. We know that the person involved has real, pressing problems of many kinds to deal with; however, the actions of this person have proved to be what we consider attention-getting, selfish and manipulative. So we are taking a "wait and see" approach to this person and her situation. In my opinion, it is much easier to chose the way of confrontation online than in-person, for the simple reason that, unless we "friend" only family and close friends, we don't have to deal with online "friend" and the fall-out of telling them things that they don't want to hear. Many years ago, I recall confronting a family member in a caring way and this family member was angered by this and gave me a hard time for awhile. I believe that "caring enough to confront" should be done only as a last resort and only in the context of a caring relationship. I think the most of us know full well the striking contrast between people telling us things we don't want to hear and who make it clear that they have our best interests at heart, and those that just vent their garbage on us and are tearing us down rather than building us up. When I was attending a special class and a fellow student was talking with out teacher at the time, he told her: "When you say tough things to me, I know it is because you really care. But when others say the same things, I know that it is just because they are spilling their guts."
Compassion and Trust vs. Discernment. This one has always been a tough one, even now. This hold true especially if one has a sensitive nature as I do and also has touble picking up on nonverbal cues that people send out. And I can give many examples of this. In-person, within a congregation, I had struck up what I believed to be a budding friendship with a parishioner. This person showed an interest in me and asked me questions about myself. I shared far more with her than I shared with anyone. At that time, I still was concealing my past growing up years and did not share those with her, but I shared many other things. I felt that this person was really trustworthy and that this was a real friendship. She introduced me to a Bible study fellowsip ministry and I got involved with congregational volunteer activities in which she was also involved. In the course of time, things soured in the ministry, as far as I was concerned and this person was involved in asking me to leave this ministry because, in her words, it was "not the thing for me" and that I "had other apitudes." I was heartbroken! A couple of years later I sent this person a friend request on Facebook; this person added me back but locked up her profile to where I could see nothing of her activity. A couple of days later, she removed me from her friends list and I saw "Add as Friend" on her profile, again. I was devastated! How and why did I place my trust in a person who was so good at saying all the correct things and who held a leadership position in a high-profile ministry? And online, a more recent example was when a man added me on Facebook and then proceeded to go on and on about how worthless he thought he was, that no one cared about him and that I could not care about him. This kept up as we chatted back and forth on Facebook. I felt sorry for him and I wanted to help him and to restore his faith in the goodness of people. So I agreed to add him as a "contact" on Skype. This turned out to be a mistake! We launched into a Skype chat which became irrational almost right away! He kept begging me, "Please promise me that we will be best friends forever." This was clearly inappropriate to ask a stranger to pledge undying, devoted friendship and a "best friends" pledge at that! But I felt sorry for this guy and I did not want to say anything that would set him over the edge. He was talking about wanting to end his life if I did not "stay best friends forever" and yet he insisted that I "did not really care about him after all." Then he insisted that I switch our chat to video mode so that he could see what I looked like. This made me most uncomfortable. I said, "No I will not do video chat but I do not take it personally, for I do not do video chat with anyone." He would not take no for an answer. He insisted, "You don't care about me or you would do video chat. I may as well end it all because no one cares. Including you." I was most frustrated and part of me felt guilty that maybe, just maybe, this guy was not "crying wolf" but was genuinely suicidal. Frustrated, I appealed to family members who insisted that I ignore him. Despite their advice, I mentally chastised myself for not having the suicide lifeling number to leave in his chat window, just in case. He soon removed me on on Facebook and on Skype. I ended up bringing him to the attention of Facebook and when I saw my inbox history with him, I saw that I had been blocked. Despite online feedback that I got that I could have done more just in case this person was truly suicidal, the person's actions not only during but after this exchange made it clear that he was likely "crying wolf." Currently, I have been dealing with a situation of a person in my network whom I formerly felt sorry for and whom I connected with other caring contacts. As things evolved and time with this person consumed most of the time of another person and myself who were taking an intense interest in her, it all bled into our personal lives and drained both of us. And the other, troubled person showed no interest in taking action that could improve her life. As things currently stand, it remains pretty much "up in the air" about how things will unfold but what is likely is that this is a person who does have real needs but who is taking advantage of the good hearts of others.
Patience vs. Proactiveness. This one can be tricky when we imagine that patience means passively sitting back and doing nothing. My current petition campaign, started in early May of this year, is a prime example of my my need to balance being proactive in promoting my Change.org petition and raising awareness for autism and sharing my story in every venue possible. Then I know that I also need to exercise patience with people who hesitate to sign and support my petition because they do not know much about autism, don't see what good my petition will do or simply are distracted and busy with other concerns or have crises in their lives where they care about nothing else much less some petition. I have been holding back from seeking support from those whom I know are "hard-core advocates" of their own causes and who do not support outside causes, from approaching those who are currently dealing with major life crises or who have made clear that, for their own reasons, they refuse to sign petitions or will not sign my particular petition. It hurts and depresses me that there are substantial people groups whom I am wise to hold back from promoting my petition to, for now. This does not mean that I will never approach them. It just means that I must wait for other times when these people will be more inclined to support me. I need to wait for the times when more people will be open to educating themselves about autism, will have passed through their crises and are able to give me their support or who may be moved to change their minds as a result of seeing my video or an their own experiences. Other things that I must wait patiently for are those open doors where I can find more powerful platforms and venues to promote my petition, such as an official diagnosis, a completed and updated website (currently under construction) and media exposure. I know that I must not use my need to wait for thse things as an excuse to do nothing and to let thse things drop into my lap willy-nilly. When I am approaced to appear on live or recorded talk shows, for examply, I know that as long as the persons are reputable, I need to seize the opportunities and I have done this. And I must not let up in coming online and promoting the petition in every way that is currently available to me, until more powerful and influential venues become available to me. This same tightrope holds true in every project we undertake. By the way, you can reward my patience by signing my petition at http://tiny.cc/mrsahw and join me in being proactive in passing it on by using the "Share" options on the petition site to promote the petition to those in your own social networks.
I can think of other examples of areas where we need to draw the line and I'm sure that you can add to this list. These four examples just illustrate how complex life and people are and how murky things can be.
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