Almost since I have begun using social networks, I have noticed a trend that seems, at least in my experienced, to be more pronounced online than in real life. I guess that this is because of the capacity to encounter so many people online than in "real life" and because it is much easier to get rid of unwanted people in our social networks than it is in person. That is what social networks provide the "Remove as Friend" and "Block" options. This trend I'm talking about is the disconcerting practice that many people have of making their online friendships conditional upon not being online friends with anyone whom a Facebook user does not like or considers suspicious.
I remember some warring factions that were raging in the world of the missing, between a certain missing persons nonprofit and another, newer missing persons nonprofit. It was ugly and abusive, petty exchanges were frequently exchanged. The more established nonprofit has always enjoyed a sterling reputation in the world of the missing and are much loved and appreciated by grateful families who are served, or have been served, by this nonprofit. But there was abn ugly faction between this nonprofit and a newer one and I would see a number of posts about how those affiliated with the newer nonprofit were phonies, bullies, and scammers. The CEO of this organization once posted about this nonprofit, naming the names of these individuals and then said, "If anyone has any of thse jokers in your networks, please remove me from your networks." Now, I do not know the facts about any of thse factions so I will not take any sides. I do know that this person was not the only one who was part of this tend of practically telling people who to hang out with in their social networks and who to not hang out with.
That was minor compared to the factions that broke out when this controversial group, Action for Justice (AXJ), sprung on the scene when I was new to social networks. People affiliated with this nonprofit added me as friends and then kept telling me to make their "AXJ" logo my profile photo. At the time, I did not know how to upload photos nor did I have any idea of what AXJ stood for or what they were all about. All I knew was that soon, people in my network were coming out and telling others to remove these AXJ people, all of them, out of their networks, to remain Facebook friends. I frankly did not know what all the fuss was all about. It came out that the CEO of the nonprofit, John Aster, was convicted of child pornography and that he was very controlling of his supporters, who had to do his bidding to stay "with him." I was seeing people on my page come out with posts like, "Do you have anyone with the AXJ logo in your network? Delete them. If you keep any of them, I will remove you from my friends list." Since some of the people who were threatening other users with such deletion seemed like good people and I did not want to lose them, I did my utmost to remove all those who were affiliated with AXJ, from my friends list. They were not showing any support for the causes I was promoting then, anyway. The threats to delete anyone who had AXJ profiles in their networks, contined for awhile before subsiding. Apparently, they were being held accountable for the crimes that they were charged with.
There has been a certain Facebook user who has made it a practice to police this person's friends lists and to "purge" from it anyone that this user counted as hindering this person's passion and cause. I remember that one of the first times that this user issued an ultimatum to delete people was when the AXJ controversy was raging, but this person also undertook another "Facebook friends purge" when this user read an article about the criminal activity about the ex-spouse of a person in this user's friends list. The Facebook user threatened to remove from this person's friends list anyone who kept in their social networks the woman whose ex-spouse was convicted of criminal activity. I thought this Facebook user was being capricious and unfair to that woman and to all other Facebook users who wanted to keep her in their networks. More than once, this person has removed me from this person's friends list because I kept in my networks this user's "enemies." And most recently, this same person has issued an ultimatum, telling everyone who affiliated with a certain nonprofit, to leave her page.
On the very flip side of all this, I have had a terrible experience with a certain nonprofit and I have already written about this experience at length in my blog called, "Scams." To summarize my experience, two years ago, I signed up to volunteer with a nonprofit which enjoys respect and the trust of many in the world of the missing and crime victims. A few people who were then volunteers with this nonprofit, took a special interest in me and I was taken in by their show of interest and I began to share wth them. One of them even named me as her "Sister" on her profile. Since I lacked a sense of belonging and I yearned to belong to something, I willingly applied to volunteer. I should have seen it as a "red flag" when they requested my Social Security Number but they said that they only did criminal background checks when their Google searches on applicants turned up suspicious information. That evening that I learned that I was accepted, I went to work on a second profile (on my husband's computer) for the nonprofit and soon, it got hacked, probably because a certain familly member was over that evening and had been using my computer and had downloaded an unsafe website. The nonprofit was not happy that I could not get to work right away and were pressuring our family to let an out-of-town computer repair person (whom we could not afford) work on the computer from his. I will not go into the ugly conflict that resulted between my husband and this nonprofit, but it resulted in their dismissing me as a volunteer. That was bad enough, but what was worse was when everyone affiliated with this nonprofit was asked to remove me from their official pages. Some went beyond that and also blocked me completely. The point here? There are many in my social networks who remain loyal supporters of this nonprofit and would never have ANY idea that they could or would, engage in what to me is cyberbullying or at least is very close to it! For, to have everyone sever ties with me, bad-mouthing had to have gone on. I will never know what was said about me, or about my spouse, but it was apparently bad enough for their volunteers and staff members to end their communication with me. But have I ever publicly named this nonprofit or threatened to unfriend anyone who supported them? Never. I have often been tempted to "name them and shame them," but I know that this would open me wide to a libel suit from them and anger their many loyal supporters, including many who are family members with missing loved ones.
I know that thse people who issue such ultimatums do have a point, that it does matter who we "keep company with," up to a point. Those of us who are parents discourage our children from associating with peers who would be bad influences on them or undermine the values that we, their parents, are trying to instill in them. And, in a world like this, whether on social networks or in "the real world," we have to work much harder than ever, to keep ourselves and others safe and that often means avoiding suspicious or harmful people and keeping them out of our lives. And whether online or in real life, we have the moral obligation to warn people to keep themselves safe from those whom we know to be harmful or who are suspicious. There are times when names need to be named, people need to be called out and we need to play the role of whistleblower.
But should those whom we don't agree with be treated as enemies, even in the arena of politics or religion? Especially in politics, people's feelings have a way of getting all tied up in it and even the nicest of people can grow nasty and hateful as they espouse their political views. I have seen that over and over. People who are nice, good, decent and moral, leave their civility at the door or even abandon it altogether when they debate politics. Just today, I posted a request to visit, "like" and share one of my Facebook pages. A Facebook user posted something this as a comment: "I do not join or share your material because of what you say about Obama." But that was mild compared to when I posted, earlier this year, the Facebook page called, "Pray for the President." A person posted, "Yes, pray that he will be put out of office." Another time when I shared this page, a Facebook user posted something like, "You don't know who you're supporting, stupid." And, as I have already said in another blog, when I was sending out invites to a Facebook cause called "Join the Fight to Stop Dishonoring the President," a person or two told me, "You are being deleted from my friends list!"
And, on the other side, a Facebook user recently said, "I will be removing from my friends list anyone who supports the Republicans." Months ago, I was sharing a petition with a person who lived outside the US, but I was unaware of this and the "Outside the US?" option was not on the petition, as it is now. That is beside the point of my ugly encounter with this person on Chat. I was having a hard time understanding the content of much of this person's conversation, but I could NOT mistake it when the person grew hostile about both President Obama and me and delared: "I am not about to sign this petition when you refuse to help me with MY project. This man is an evil sociopath who hates (the subjects of the petition) and he wants to see them fail! I hate him and you really think I am going to sign a petition to him! Get out of here!" (Paraphrased) In my household, there have been, and continue to be, often heated, intense debates on politics. I have and continue to hear, the opposition and supporters of the oppostion to our party of affiliation, be referred to by often vile names which are not fit to be repeated here. The point is, we are free to disagree with, and even strongly so, with anyone over politics or anyone else. But we are not free to treat them as enemies and, even worse, insist that others also treat them the same way.
Factions will always be with us, not only in the world of politics or the missing but in every other area of life. But we do need to draw the line between looking out for each other and warning each other from harmful people, and telling people who they can be friends with and support. THe one form of behavior is for adults, the other belongs to middle-school age children.
Showing posts with label Facebook Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook Friends. Show all posts
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Our Throwaway Culture
For the longest time, the divorce rate, at least in the US, had stood at 50 percent; that is, if you "tied the knot," you would have a 50/50 chance to "untie that knot." Now, that divorce rate has risen to 60 percent. Statistically, this means that if you get married, you are rather more likely than not, at some point, to call it quits.
Employers devise more screening tools to manage all the applications that cross their desks. One of these tools is the personality test; this effectively prunes applicants from the list which the employers has to deal with. You probably know very well what this means: You can work your rear-end off to make your application stand out to an employer so you will get thay interview, knowing that yours is only one of many applications to cross that employer's desk.
CEO's see their profit margins drop and they see a need to do some pruning so their corporations don't go bankrupt. So what do they tend to do, short of filing for a bankruptcy? They look at all the employees who are costing them money and thet start pruning jobs and eliminating employees. The trouble with this is that behind every job is a person who needs that job just to survive and usually to support a family. Not only this, but but jobs often provide health insurance, a chance to meet people and self-esteem as one makes a contribution to society. All this is lost with a lost job.
Many of us use social networks to connect with people. But according to my research, "unfriending" people is getting more and more common on Facebook. When we are offended or annoyed by an online friend's posts, is is easy to hit that "Unfriend" button or even use the "Block" option. In not even two years of social networking, hundreds of people in my network have hit the "Unfriend" button to get rid of me and some have hit the "Block" button. Among those who have dropped me include advocates, fellow church members, including a pastor's wife and youth workers, other local acquaintances and even some family members. I have been unfriended and blocked just this past weekend! On social networks, you can get rid of undesirable people with a few clicks of a mouse!
More and more, without labor unions to protect employees, employers can terminate employees that they don't like or want to deal with for reasons know best to themselves. I've heard of too many people being terminated without disclosure or given vague reasons. This has happened to me and to some of my loved ones. Worst of all, if discrimination is suspected, it sometimes can't be proved. Sadly, employers find it easy to get rid of employees for disability-related reasons. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is meant to give a level playing field to qualified people with disabilities and it is having success. But the "undue hardship" clause in this legislation, meant to protect employers, can be overused as an excuse to fire people because of prejudice.
In families, relationships often become ugly because of disputes over inheritances. When money becomes a factor in even the closest of relationships, it often changes the dynamics of the relationship. And when unprincipled, unethical relatives cheat loved ones out of their inheritances, this parts the closest of family members and turns them into bitter enemies. Always sad and heartbreaking, family members have been known to disown each other, to never speak again, and even to take each other to court! I know this from experience!
Homelessness is heartbreaking and a good number of the homeless are war veterans. How many of these homeless are people are living in the streets not because they lack money but for more complex reasons? How many people are living in the steets because family members have ordered them to leave because they could not deal with them for one more minute, whether because of substance abuse, an unwanted pregnancy or some despised lifestyle? When I was attending a former congregation, some among us would reach out to one such woman who was seen to wander the streets because of being "thrown out" of her home. Of course, there are no easy answers to this.
The ultimate method of getting rid of people is murder. Since 1973, girls and women, when faced with unwanted pregnancies, have had the option of "terminating their pregnances" available to them by law. The trouble with this option is that the thing being eliminated is not a thing at all but a live, conceived baby with all its DNA and a little being being "knit together" in the mother by its Creator. This "abortion mentality" has opended the door to people turning to murder, more and more, to get rid of "problems." When we become inconvenient, annoying, difficult or undesirable, we are, more and more, at risk. So many murders have, at the motive, the simple desire to eliminate a person for the killer's own reasons. Such murders are often staged "eraser killings" where the killer makes the murder look like a suicide, a mysterious disappearance or something other than what it is. Can this be why we have so many unsolved crimes and missing people? Chilling.
Get the point? Ours is a throwaway society. Our method of dealing with problems and conflict is often just to "walk out" of the bothersome relationships and to end them. We often hear about and may even talk about, the virtues of real friendship and sticking together through think and thin, despite differences, disagreements, or adversity. But in reality, when relationships get inconvenient, annoying, burdensome, or merely boring, they become vulnerable to being discarded like trash. Instead of dealing with what's wrong in relationships, it's far too easy to end friendships, to change churches, to quit jobs, even to dissolve marriages. Our culture encourages us to leave relationships we no longer want to be in. The idea of "marriage for keeps," though it is Biblical and strongly encouraged in the Bible, tends to be dismissed as old-fashioned, outdated and unrealistic. Abortion is seen as socially acceptable by many people and is seen by some as a way to reduce poverty and other social ills by "thinning out our ranks" and reducing our numbers. When someone in our church home hurts our feelings, when we can't stand our boss or our co-workers, when a friend won't pay a debt, when an employee's work slows down, when an online friend posts controversial material, many voices will encourage us, "Get out! End the relationship! Eliminate your problem! It's your perfect right."
In my own experience with this, people have, over the years and often, terminated their bonds with me, either because of misunderstandings, their unkind reactions to my differences, or my trusting them too readily and mistaking friendliness with ulterior motives with real friendship. Growing up, I went through seeing my parents divorce and I know many others who have divorced. I've already mentioned, in earlier blogs, about being terminated as a volunteer in several intances. I've already mentioned all the online friendships I've lost. Most recently, my membership for a certain movement and campaign was abruptly terminated by its Founder when this person found out about about one of my online posts which raised questions about the cost-effectiveness about the use of its funds. On the flip side of this, I have left certain social settings where I felt misunderstood or excluded.
I know that there are times when we need to, or must, let certain relationships go and I'm not talking about these. But how can we be united unless we stand together and stick together through all the things that could divide us? This is especially important in our throwaway culture.
On the reverse side of this, I find few things more inspiring than that of seeing people who have been married for many decades, sticking together through all manner of hardships, losses, challanges, conflicts and uncertainties.
Employers devise more screening tools to manage all the applications that cross their desks. One of these tools is the personality test; this effectively prunes applicants from the list which the employers has to deal with. You probably know very well what this means: You can work your rear-end off to make your application stand out to an employer so you will get thay interview, knowing that yours is only one of many applications to cross that employer's desk.
CEO's see their profit margins drop and they see a need to do some pruning so their corporations don't go bankrupt. So what do they tend to do, short of filing for a bankruptcy? They look at all the employees who are costing them money and thet start pruning jobs and eliminating employees. The trouble with this is that behind every job is a person who needs that job just to survive and usually to support a family. Not only this, but but jobs often provide health insurance, a chance to meet people and self-esteem as one makes a contribution to society. All this is lost with a lost job.
Many of us use social networks to connect with people. But according to my research, "unfriending" people is getting more and more common on Facebook. When we are offended or annoyed by an online friend's posts, is is easy to hit that "Unfriend" button or even use the "Block" option. In not even two years of social networking, hundreds of people in my network have hit the "Unfriend" button to get rid of me and some have hit the "Block" button. Among those who have dropped me include advocates, fellow church members, including a pastor's wife and youth workers, other local acquaintances and even some family members. I have been unfriended and blocked just this past weekend! On social networks, you can get rid of undesirable people with a few clicks of a mouse!
More and more, without labor unions to protect employees, employers can terminate employees that they don't like or want to deal with for reasons know best to themselves. I've heard of too many people being terminated without disclosure or given vague reasons. This has happened to me and to some of my loved ones. Worst of all, if discrimination is suspected, it sometimes can't be proved. Sadly, employers find it easy to get rid of employees for disability-related reasons. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is meant to give a level playing field to qualified people with disabilities and it is having success. But the "undue hardship" clause in this legislation, meant to protect employers, can be overused as an excuse to fire people because of prejudice.
In families, relationships often become ugly because of disputes over inheritances. When money becomes a factor in even the closest of relationships, it often changes the dynamics of the relationship. And when unprincipled, unethical relatives cheat loved ones out of their inheritances, this parts the closest of family members and turns them into bitter enemies. Always sad and heartbreaking, family members have been known to disown each other, to never speak again, and even to take each other to court! I know this from experience!
Homelessness is heartbreaking and a good number of the homeless are war veterans. How many of these homeless are people are living in the streets not because they lack money but for more complex reasons? How many people are living in the steets because family members have ordered them to leave because they could not deal with them for one more minute, whether because of substance abuse, an unwanted pregnancy or some despised lifestyle? When I was attending a former congregation, some among us would reach out to one such woman who was seen to wander the streets because of being "thrown out" of her home. Of course, there are no easy answers to this.
The ultimate method of getting rid of people is murder. Since 1973, girls and women, when faced with unwanted pregnancies, have had the option of "terminating their pregnances" available to them by law. The trouble with this option is that the thing being eliminated is not a thing at all but a live, conceived baby with all its DNA and a little being being "knit together" in the mother by its Creator. This "abortion mentality" has opended the door to people turning to murder, more and more, to get rid of "problems." When we become inconvenient, annoying, difficult or undesirable, we are, more and more, at risk. So many murders have, at the motive, the simple desire to eliminate a person for the killer's own reasons. Such murders are often staged "eraser killings" where the killer makes the murder look like a suicide, a mysterious disappearance or something other than what it is. Can this be why we have so many unsolved crimes and missing people? Chilling.
Get the point? Ours is a throwaway society. Our method of dealing with problems and conflict is often just to "walk out" of the bothersome relationships and to end them. We often hear about and may even talk about, the virtues of real friendship and sticking together through think and thin, despite differences, disagreements, or adversity. But in reality, when relationships get inconvenient, annoying, burdensome, or merely boring, they become vulnerable to being discarded like trash. Instead of dealing with what's wrong in relationships, it's far too easy to end friendships, to change churches, to quit jobs, even to dissolve marriages. Our culture encourages us to leave relationships we no longer want to be in. The idea of "marriage for keeps," though it is Biblical and strongly encouraged in the Bible, tends to be dismissed as old-fashioned, outdated and unrealistic. Abortion is seen as socially acceptable by many people and is seen by some as a way to reduce poverty and other social ills by "thinning out our ranks" and reducing our numbers. When someone in our church home hurts our feelings, when we can't stand our boss or our co-workers, when a friend won't pay a debt, when an employee's work slows down, when an online friend posts controversial material, many voices will encourage us, "Get out! End the relationship! Eliminate your problem! It's your perfect right."
In my own experience with this, people have, over the years and often, terminated their bonds with me, either because of misunderstandings, their unkind reactions to my differences, or my trusting them too readily and mistaking friendliness with ulterior motives with real friendship. Growing up, I went through seeing my parents divorce and I know many others who have divorced. I've already mentioned, in earlier blogs, about being terminated as a volunteer in several intances. I've already mentioned all the online friendships I've lost. Most recently, my membership for a certain movement and campaign was abruptly terminated by its Founder when this person found out about about one of my online posts which raised questions about the cost-effectiveness about the use of its funds. On the flip side of this, I have left certain social settings where I felt misunderstood or excluded.
I know that there are times when we need to, or must, let certain relationships go and I'm not talking about these. But how can we be united unless we stand together and stick together through all the things that could divide us? This is especially important in our throwaway culture.
On the reverse side of this, I find few things more inspiring than that of seeing people who have been married for many decades, sticking together through all manner of hardships, losses, challanges, conflicts and uncertainties.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Can Real Friendships Result From Social Networking?
Friends. It seems that we all have different ideas of what this word means, whether we are referring to people we do things with or people who we attend school, work or worship services with. We may call friends people whom we correspond with via telephone, email, or traditional mail. And then there are those we call confidants, people we can confide in or whom we can call in the middle of the night. And there are friendships where we do things for each other. And then, many of us confuse acquaintances, people who merely say "Hello" when we encounter them in hallways or on the street, with friends. And now that more and more of us are using social networks to do just that, socialize, friendship is taking on a new meaning.
I'm aware that there are people in my network who count some whom they know only online, as real friends who are worthy of their trust and respect. I have seen this most often among people whose personal stories of loss, tragedy or survival are well-known and resonate with many people and which many identify with. Since starting social networking about a year and a half ago, I have sought to show real friendship with people online, as much as can be done in this setting, through words of encouragement, support, feedback or even advice, reposting countless posts, supporting and joining causes, signing petitions, and more. But I'm aware that forming real, enduring friendships online very difficult. As I approach the 5000 friends limit, I can see that it is impossible to be a friend in the strict sense of the word, to many of these people.
I'm aware, also, that many of us, young people and adults alike, turn to social networks because we aren't finding connection or understanding with people offline. This is particularly true in the community of families of missing people, who turn to social networking not only to aid them in the search for their missing loved ones, but to find support, comfort and friendship especially when they want to vent. This is also true in the disability community among many who feel that the only way they can self-advocate, express themselves and connect with people is through social networks. I know that I have social networking to thank for my ability for self-expression and even venting about my concerns and issues concerning stigma, disability and abuse. But as true as all this is, can we count on these people who may support us being there over time; can they count on us being there for them in the same way?
On social networks, especially Facebook, I have seen many expressions of affection, support, empathy and solidarity. I have noticed, however, that much of this happens among people who know each other well, outside of certain social networks, through volunteering or working for the same nonprofits, sharing common goals or agendas, working in the same cause, sharing common life experiences or through having stories or experiences that many people identify with. This is much how it works offline too, right? And just as I have seen mant cliques in real life, among adults as well as among children, cliques abound online, if you are observant and use social networks regularly. The reason is simple: People comprise social networks.
When I relate my own experience with this, I know that I speak for myself only and no one else,
especially in light of what I (and others who know me well) believe to be a undiagnosed form of high-functioning autism. I have always, even until this day, felt unable to successfully connect with people, especially offline and in-person. Online, I feel freer to express myself and talk about my concerns than I do in any offline setting. Often, however,I find myself envying people who post material that attracts many comments, often no matter what they post, while when I post similar or comparable material, I get fewer or even no comments. I tell myself that the difference is the relationships of the people involved and their personal, close connections with each other. On my birthday, when I had learned about an online sex offender taking revenge on me for reporting him by impersonating me and stealing my online identity to "clear" himself, I wrote a note on Facebook about my experience, hoping to get support and maybe guidance about how to handle this. I received neither. I tried not to take this personally but I couldn't shake the feeling that no one really cared, as I received no comments even after I reposted my note and encountered the same nonresponse on a fan page where I posted about my situation under a status about the value of each person. And this happened on my birthday!
In my opinion, Facebook and other social networks tend to discourage real, enduring friendships where we work through differences, through the very way most of them are set up. Take the "unfriend" button that can be found at the top of each Facebook users's profile and in other forms on other social networks as well as the "Block" and "Report" buttons (which I know needs to be used if a user IS an ACTUAL threat) that can be found on each user's profile, on Facebook and most other social network sites. It's too easy to remove a person from our networks simply by wading through our friends' lists, hitting the "x" after their names and presto! they are gone. If, for any reason, you decide that you don't want to deal with a person online, you do not, as you may in-person, have to resolve the conflict or work through the difference. You can get rid of an annoying person by hitting the "x" name (as mentioned earlier) or by pulling up their profiles to get the "Unfriend" button and to hit it. You can even block them so you don't see them (nor they you) online. Where many of us would work things through in-person, in my opinion, it's all too easy, online, to "unfriend" or block people rather than to engage them and to resolve our conflicts. Isn't this one reason for the private message option on social networks? If we would use the private message option more and the "unfriend" option less, we may move closer to forming more real, enduring friendships online.
In my own experience, I rarely "unfriend" or block people in my network unless I'm positive that I must do so, to protect myself from cyberstalking or worse). Never do I remove people for differing with me on political or religious issues, for promoting causes that I don't share their passion for, or because I don't "like" them. These are reasons that I have lost many Facebook friendships. Sometimes word would get back to me that people didn't like to see me fill their homepages with causes or charities; this has been true especially among those among my local friends or acquaintances. A few family members have "unfriended" and even blocked me without notice, but for what I suspect are legal reasons. Petty differences, misunderstandings and jealousy issues have caused a few people in the world of missing people to remove me from their networks, even to block me. It all makes me wonder what has happened to working together for a cause we all care about and transcending our differences and embracing one another? As I read my Bible, both in the Old and New Testaments, one of the things our God hates most is disunity among His people. The night before He died for us, Jesus prayed fervently for the unity of God's people throughout future generations. Do we want to be a part of what upsets our God?
In my current social networking experience, I have come to realize, the hard way, that even people who appear to be legitimate and are considered so by others to be so and are even highly praised, may not be what they seem. People are not what they appear to be, in countless cases. I have, because of this and many life experiences, come to feel that I can trust very, very few people. And despite my efforts to be real and honest, it seems that the feeling is mutual. This atmosphere of distrust and suspicion, based on our wide-spread, dishonesty, is another reason friendships are so difficult to form. But the scams and online bullying, online harassment, predators online (not to mention offline) make it worse online.
I have come to see that maybe, even for the sake of raising awareness about my causes, that adding too many people, especially those unknown even to those in my network, may not be a good idea. I have since learned that this can detract from connecting with real, dedicated friends and supporters as I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with all of these people. Daily, I make it a point to leave birthday greetings on the Facebook Walls of each of my friends celebrating birthdays that day or the day before, or in private messages. There are people, mostly males, who want to chat with me just to chat and "get to know me better." I'll chat for awhile or I'll just ignore the Chat feature. I realize the soundness of the idea of "cleaning out" one's friends lists of people who don't correspond with you, whom you suspect may be fake profiles, or to who you can't be the kind of friend they want or even demand (asking for money or romance, for example). In short, it's fine to find many people who will support your cause and help you get the word about it, but awareness should not come at the cost of real friends.
Maybe a smaller friends list consisting of real, devoted friends and supporters is much better than a large list of many "friends" who are more than numbers in your network.
Here are some fine social networking sites where, depending on how active you become there, you can make good connections and form real friendships.
http://www.talkaboutitfoundation.org This is a social networking site for people with epilepsy, their families and for people who simply want to show support.
http://www.grasp.org/ This is a social networking site for young people and adults with autism, for their families and for those who simply want to show support.
http://peace4missing.ning.com/ This is a social networking site for families and friends of the missing, for victims/survivors of crime or abuse or who simply want to show support.
http://www.porchpatrol.com/ This is a social networking site for all those who hold value family and children and who want a safer society for all.
I'm aware that there are people in my network who count some whom they know only online, as real friends who are worthy of their trust and respect. I have seen this most often among people whose personal stories of loss, tragedy or survival are well-known and resonate with many people and which many identify with. Since starting social networking about a year and a half ago, I have sought to show real friendship with people online, as much as can be done in this setting, through words of encouragement, support, feedback or even advice, reposting countless posts, supporting and joining causes, signing petitions, and more. But I'm aware that forming real, enduring friendships online very difficult. As I approach the 5000 friends limit, I can see that it is impossible to be a friend in the strict sense of the word, to many of these people.
I'm aware, also, that many of us, young people and adults alike, turn to social networks because we aren't finding connection or understanding with people offline. This is particularly true in the community of families of missing people, who turn to social networking not only to aid them in the search for their missing loved ones, but to find support, comfort and friendship especially when they want to vent. This is also true in the disability community among many who feel that the only way they can self-advocate, express themselves and connect with people is through social networks. I know that I have social networking to thank for my ability for self-expression and even venting about my concerns and issues concerning stigma, disability and abuse. But as true as all this is, can we count on these people who may support us being there over time; can they count on us being there for them in the same way?
On social networks, especially Facebook, I have seen many expressions of affection, support, empathy and solidarity. I have noticed, however, that much of this happens among people who know each other well, outside of certain social networks, through volunteering or working for the same nonprofits, sharing common goals or agendas, working in the same cause, sharing common life experiences or through having stories or experiences that many people identify with. This is much how it works offline too, right? And just as I have seen mant cliques in real life, among adults as well as among children, cliques abound online, if you are observant and use social networks regularly. The reason is simple: People comprise social networks.
When I relate my own experience with this, I know that I speak for myself only and no one else,
especially in light of what I (and others who know me well) believe to be a undiagnosed form of high-functioning autism. I have always, even until this day, felt unable to successfully connect with people, especially offline and in-person. Online, I feel freer to express myself and talk about my concerns than I do in any offline setting. Often, however,I find myself envying people who post material that attracts many comments, often no matter what they post, while when I post similar or comparable material, I get fewer or even no comments. I tell myself that the difference is the relationships of the people involved and their personal, close connections with each other. On my birthday, when I had learned about an online sex offender taking revenge on me for reporting him by impersonating me and stealing my online identity to "clear" himself, I wrote a note on Facebook about my experience, hoping to get support and maybe guidance about how to handle this. I received neither. I tried not to take this personally but I couldn't shake the feeling that no one really cared, as I received no comments even after I reposted my note and encountered the same nonresponse on a fan page where I posted about my situation under a status about the value of each person. And this happened on my birthday!
In my opinion, Facebook and other social networks tend to discourage real, enduring friendships where we work through differences, through the very way most of them are set up. Take the "unfriend" button that can be found at the top of each Facebook users's profile and in other forms on other social networks as well as the "Block" and "Report" buttons (which I know needs to be used if a user IS an ACTUAL threat) that can be found on each user's profile, on Facebook and most other social network sites. It's too easy to remove a person from our networks simply by wading through our friends' lists, hitting the "x" after their names and presto! they are gone. If, for any reason, you decide that you don't want to deal with a person online, you do not, as you may in-person, have to resolve the conflict or work through the difference. You can get rid of an annoying person by hitting the "x" name (as mentioned earlier) or by pulling up their profiles to get the "Unfriend" button and to hit it. You can even block them so you don't see them (nor they you) online. Where many of us would work things through in-person, in my opinion, it's all too easy, online, to "unfriend" or block people rather than to engage them and to resolve our conflicts. Isn't this one reason for the private message option on social networks? If we would use the private message option more and the "unfriend" option less, we may move closer to forming more real, enduring friendships online.
In my own experience, I rarely "unfriend" or block people in my network unless I'm positive that I must do so, to protect myself from cyberstalking or worse). Never do I remove people for differing with me on political or religious issues, for promoting causes that I don't share their passion for, or because I don't "like" them. These are reasons that I have lost many Facebook friendships. Sometimes word would get back to me that people didn't like to see me fill their homepages with causes or charities; this has been true especially among those among my local friends or acquaintances. A few family members have "unfriended" and even blocked me without notice, but for what I suspect are legal reasons. Petty differences, misunderstandings and jealousy issues have caused a few people in the world of missing people to remove me from their networks, even to block me. It all makes me wonder what has happened to working together for a cause we all care about and transcending our differences and embracing one another? As I read my Bible, both in the Old and New Testaments, one of the things our God hates most is disunity among His people. The night before He died for us, Jesus prayed fervently for the unity of God's people throughout future generations. Do we want to be a part of what upsets our God?
In my current social networking experience, I have come to realize, the hard way, that even people who appear to be legitimate and are considered so by others to be so and are even highly praised, may not be what they seem. People are not what they appear to be, in countless cases. I have, because of this and many life experiences, come to feel that I can trust very, very few people. And despite my efforts to be real and honest, it seems that the feeling is mutual. This atmosphere of distrust and suspicion, based on our wide-spread, dishonesty, is another reason friendships are so difficult to form. But the scams and online bullying, online harassment, predators online (not to mention offline) make it worse online.
I have come to see that maybe, even for the sake of raising awareness about my causes, that adding too many people, especially those unknown even to those in my network, may not be a good idea. I have since learned that this can detract from connecting with real, dedicated friends and supporters as I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with all of these people. Daily, I make it a point to leave birthday greetings on the Facebook Walls of each of my friends celebrating birthdays that day or the day before, or in private messages. There are people, mostly males, who want to chat with me just to chat and "get to know me better." I'll chat for awhile or I'll just ignore the Chat feature. I realize the soundness of the idea of "cleaning out" one's friends lists of people who don't correspond with you, whom you suspect may be fake profiles, or to who you can't be the kind of friend they want or even demand (asking for money or romance, for example). In short, it's fine to find many people who will support your cause and help you get the word about it, but awareness should not come at the cost of real friends.
Maybe a smaller friends list consisting of real, devoted friends and supporters is much better than a large list of many "friends" who are more than numbers in your network.
Here are some fine social networking sites where, depending on how active you become there, you can make good connections and form real friendships.
http://www.talkaboutitfoundation.org This is a social networking site for people with epilepsy, their families and for people who simply want to show support.
http://www.grasp.org/ This is a social networking site for young people and adults with autism, for their families and for those who simply want to show support.
http://peace4missing.ning.com/ This is a social networking site for families and friends of the missing, for victims/survivors of crime or abuse or who simply want to show support.
http://www.porchpatrol.com/ This is a social networking site for all those who hold value family and children and who want a safer society for all.
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