We Are Missing: Help Bring Us Home

          Missing. Vanished. Disappeared. Lost. Gone. These are scary, ugly words that describe people who, for various reasons, find themselves unfortunate enough to become unaccounted for and are not able to be found without help. It seems that, if we follow the news, especially online, that we see one case after another, of men, women, and children who vanish. Those of us who operate in the "world of the missing," whether as family members, professionals, volunteers or advocates, see literally one person after another, be reported as missing. And this does not take into consideration all of those who are not even reported as missing! People of all ages, and from all walks of life, of all races and ethnicities, go missing. Boys are as likely to vanish as girls; men are as likely to disappear as women. Having a missing loved one can happen to anyone at any time.
          The epidemic of missing persons is so HUGE that I currently have three Facebook pages, including one just for missing children and one just for missing adults. Every time I log into Facebook and scroll through my Newsfeed or Facebook pages feed, I see one missing person case after another! Along with all those missing children and missing adults that do not get solved, are the many, many new cases that emerge. This does not even count all those missing children or adults who are never reported to authorities as such!
          I have "friended" many profiles on Facebook, that have been set up for missing people and they make up roughly half of my social network; these profiles are set up by family members and advocates, so missing persons posts show up on my homepage with alarming and heartbreaking frequency. It is the case of Lindsey Baum, who is pretty close in age to my own daughter, who got me fired up about this issue. Lindsey, who vanished on June 26, 2009, was almost 11 at the time and is still missing! Missing people are likely to never go away, nor the need for awareness. And for the sake of those who are not familiar with missing people, let me explain the issues surrounding them and how they apply to all of us and why this concerns us all.
          The first, and most simple reason people go missing is miscommunication about whereabouts. When, in any situation, one of us fails to let others know where we are going and where we can be reached, whether we are going for a few blocks, a few milies, out of our country, or even our state or country, it is possible for others to "lose us." For example, over four years ago, the media covered a heartbreaking story of couple in an affluent neighborhood who "lost" their baby because each parent assumed their child was with the other parent (and so was safe). Tragically, the child had vanished and his poor little body was found. This was all because of a misunderstanding, and don't we all have those? I know I do! But this couple was unfortunate enough to pay for theirs by the loss of a child. And this sort of missing person scenario is probably more common that we will ever know; isn't this one more incentive for communicating, especially concerning whereabouts, ours or others' in our care?
          A second reason people, both children and even adults, go missing is because they run away, that is they vanish by choice. Most missing people, especially minors, we are told, are runaways. Though most are found safe, many other runaways encounter foul play as they go on the run; they may end up raped or even murdered; most who run into foul play become victims of human trafficking, especially in the teen years. Thrownaways, those who are not reported as missing, also are just as much at-risk as runaways, of running into foul play. Human trafficking is a big issue surrounding missing people, as many of them are believed to be in the sex slavery trade (not the only form of human trafficking, which includes adoption trafficking or domestic servitude). Since many of us are parents of children ages 10-25 (considered to be most at-risk of becoming victims of human trafficking), we ought to be very concerned about this matter. This is a depraved, sick industry and it is a powerful incentive to drill into children that running away is NOT the solution to problems at home; it is also a big incentive to create a home balanced with the right mix of love and discipline so they the young will not even want to run away! For runaways cannot be assumed to be safe, though most missing children who are found safe, are runaways. And running away is not confined to children. Adults have also been known to vanish willingly. I understand that an average runaway, within the first 24 hours, is likely to be approached by a pimp. A few years ago, in regards to one adult voluntary disappearance, I read a book called EXIT THE RAINMAKER, written by a woman whose husband ran away, and began a "new life" in Europe, moving from country to country. There is the high-profile case of a boyfriend of the singer Olivia Newton-John, who vanished for many years and was found safe, though it was revealed that he ran off, starting his "new life" abroad also. Tiffany Tehan is the most recent cases; an active parishioner and a mother, she ran off and was found with a man. We adults also need to lead by example, showing the young that running away from problems is not the way to solve anything. By facing our adult responsibilities, including caring for these children, jobs, homemaking, bills, or whatever we are called to do, we show them that running away is "uncool." And we spare loved ones and our communities unneeded anxiety, anguish as well as expenses of looking for us. We may even be saving our own lives!
          Many children vanish because of family abductions where the non-custodial parent (who does not have child custody) kidnaps them and harbors them unlawfully, often out of vindictiveness toward the other parent and as a way to "get back at" them. This kidnapped child is normally found safe but cannot be assumed to be so, especially when the non-custodial parent is known to be abusive, as in the high-profile, sad case, over a year ago, of little 8-year-old Aja (pronounced Asia) Johnson, who was taken by her stepfather and was found dead  (He had killed his ex-wife, Aja's mother beforehand). Years ago, I saw the tear-jerker, "When Andrew Came Home," about a 6-year-old boy who was kidnapped by his non-custodial father, and was found 5 years later. However, as often happens in the case of parental abductions, his father had turned Andrew against his mother, so he came home with deep fear and hate toward her. Fortunately, that story has a happy ending. Sadly, not only do such children come home, brainwashed, but sometimes the custodial parent never sees them again.  I read that rage-filled parents use parental kidnapping as a weapon to hurt the other parent, and are getting more blatant about actually hurting the children they kidnap. So children who are kidnapped by a family member should not be assumed to be safe! We parents need to realize that, even if our partner hurts us, using a child to "even the score" solves nothing!
          And then people, especially children, teens and young adults, vanish because they are abducted by acquaintances or by strangers. In this case, the missing person is more likely to be found dead and what happens to them normally happens within the first three hours. Abductors may take their victims to hold them captive, whether for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, for months or even years, and this is when they are likely to be found alive. Long-term kidnapping survivors, like Elizabeth Smart, found alive after 9 months, or Jaycee Dugard, who was found alive after 18 years, are notable exceptions. People who vanish because of abductions are in the minority of the total number of missing people. We have many resources today to protect our children from such abductions, though there are never any 100 percent guarantees. We can be thankful for the AMBER ALERT program, limited as it is, as it covers only children whose abductions are witnessed, who are officially believed by law enforcement to be in bodily danger, and who are 17 or under (in my home state, age 16 is the cut-off age). Most recently, three girls, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight, were located in Cleveland, Ohio. They had been held captive in Castro's house for ten years, more (eleven for Michelle). If you follow the news, you probably are aware of the horrible conditions these girls were forced to live under, as their captor "hid in plain sight." He was respected in the community, attended worship services every Sunday and otherwise moved about in the community, and at the same time  brutalized these three girls. He fathered a child with one of them! Many of us may have seen his sentencing, where Michelle Knight gave a powerful victim impact statement. As more and more cases like this surface it makes me wonder how many others are being held that we have no idea of and by people that we may not dream would commit atrocities against anyone!
          Domestic violence is another big reason for missing people. A common scenario, which we hear about too often in the news, is when a parent, partner, or spouse abuses a family member to death and then makes the murder look like something else, like suicide or a mysterious disappearance. The only way we can deal with this one is to manage our anger (often easier said than done) and to find ways to prevent and end all forms of abuse in our communities. So much has been said about child abuse and spousal abuse that I need not go into it here. The sad stories about missing children or adults vanishing, and then being found dead (or not at all) and where spouses or parents are implicated, are far too numerous to list! Domestic violence by wives or girlfriends has become almost as common as that by husbands or boyfriends. On Investigation Discovery (ID), the sheer volume of solved cases covered there show how HUGE domestic violence missing persons/murder cases are! It seems to be getting worse, too! ID series like "Southern-Friend Homicide" and "Deadly Women" and the Oxygen series "Snapped" are just a sample of how epidemic murders are! A new ID series called "Deadly Men" is supposed to begin this upcoming Fall. Will it ever end?
          A final reason that people of all ages vanish is because they have special needs, especially cognitive differences, like amnesia, strokes, dementias, mental illness, autism, suicidal urges,or other such issues, that causes them to "wander off" or to "elope" where they are at-risk of bodily harm or foul play. Disabilities are often a big issue that surround missing people, but I fear that it is seen as a separate issue, for some reason. AMBER ALERT, the national program that has saved so many children's lives, does not cover anyone but minor children who have not only been abducted but whose abductions have been witnessed. The program does not cover children (and certainly not adults) with special needs who wander. There have been many recent cases of autistic children who have wandered off and whose bodies have been tragically found in bodies of water. The only answer I see for this is to seek to protect such people in such a way that takes into consideration their special situations while giving them some measure of independence. Yes, this is easier said than done!
          The point? We should ALL be concerned about missing people. Those of us who are blessed not to have missing loved ones MUST realize that this can happen to anyone at any time; any person with a missing loved one will likely tell you that they, at one time, didn't think it would happen to them, either.
         Below I provide links to helpful resources and I hope you will check them out. And if you have a missing loved one, please know that you are not alone and that there are many resources for you and people who care. If you are simply seeking to educate yourself about this, these resources will educate you to toward prevention and reducing your risks of having a loved one vanish. And if you want to help, there are options for that, too.
         We all can help bring missing people home!

I now have three Facebook pages because of the enormity of this epidemic. Please visit each of the links and "like" each page if you are a Facebook user.

https://www.facebook.com/KidzMissing Missing Kids

https://www.facebook.com/AdultzMissing Missing Adults

https://www.facebook.com/AwarenessForMissingUnidentifiedCrimeVictims
Awareness For Missing or Unidentified People and Crime Victims

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, translatable in 170 languages
1-800-799-SAFE  (1-800-799-7233),  1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

National Child Abuse Hotline, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, translatable in 170 languages
1-800-4-A-CHILD  (1-800-422-4453)

National Runaway Safeline (formerly Switchboard)
1-800-RUNAWAY  (1-800-786-2929)

National Human Trafficking Hotline
888-3787-888

http://www.lostnmissing.com/  Lostnmissing, Inc.
This is the website for a nonprofit which provides comprehensive services for familes with missing loved ones and also educates about prevention of seeing a loved one going missing.

http://www.missingkids.com/  National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
This is the website for a nonprofit which provides comprehensive services for families with missing children with a database for all children in the US who are reported as missing, and provides lots of information, including how to prevent children from going missing.

http://namus.gov/  NAMUS database
This is the US database for ALL missing and unidentified people whose cases have been entered into it. It can be used by law enforcement or by the public; it is considered to be much-underused because people don't know how to use it or don't know about it in the first place.

http://www.lbth.org/ncma/index.php/ Let's Bring Them Home
This is the website for a nonprofit which serves families with missing adult loved ones. It provides a comprehensive database for all adults in the US who are reported as missing.

http://peace4missing.ning.com/  PEACE4 THEMISSING
This is a social networking site which serves people all over the world, and focus their services on families with missing loved ones; it is full of resources, guidance and support if you have a missing loved one. Many victims or survivors of crime or abuse use this site as a platform to seek justice or to connect with others. And then those of us who simply want to help can use the site as a way to make a difference and to care for people without leaving our homes!

http://www,childhelp.org/  Childhelp
This is a website for a nonprofit which provides comprehensive services to prevent and end child abuse in our communities; this site also includes a hotline to reporte child abuse.

http://peasintheirpods.com/  Peasintheirpods Children
This is a website for a nonprofit which serves families of missing minority children, children when usually are underserved.

There are other resources which I'm sure you can add!

 
         
         
         

Practical Ways To Prevent and End Child Abuse

If you use social networking sites regularly, especially Facebook, you probably have been seeing posts about organized, highly-funded child crimes prevention campaigns whose well-meant projects are more symbolic than anything in their execution, in my opinion. These events and groups are sponsored by businesses, nonprofit organizations, groups, and many individuals, including high-profile advocates. Yes, there is much support for all these all these massive efforts, time and financial resources and the planning. The involved masses of those passionate about preventing and ending child abuse no doubt believe that this form of awareness involvement is helping to alleviate a deep-seated, pervasive social evil that is attached to many other issues. An evil that originates in the human heart and home. But for all these massive efforts to get people fired up about preventing and ending child abuse through awareness events, comes across to me (at least) as the "Super Bowl" of child abuse awareness and I wonder if it sends a confusing message. That we need to raise funds and join "cool" movements to make a difference. These type of efforts are not unique and apply to many other causes. Our culture sends the message to us that, to be effective, we must organize, form committees, attend large-scale events and projects and raise large amounts of money. All of these are useful but only up to a point. We believe that people need all this before they will attend to the "rubber meets the road" of doing everythings to prevent and end child abuse or any crimes. Maybe we do but we should not.

Whether we need these large-scale campaigns or not, this blog will focus on those "rubber meets the road," everyday things that really prevent and end child abuse and other forms of crime and violence. These are things that any of us, depending on our situations, can do right where we are if we are really serious about making a difference. I'm just giving you a wide variety of examples and I'm sure you can add to my list.

1). Parents, screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your child, especially if you need this person on a regular basis. Interview your candidates and, if you can afford it, run background checks on them. Ask them for references, and call these individuals.

2). If you are standing in line in any situation and you see a parent with young children, allow them to go ahead of you. If you are driving and you see a parent with young children, give them the right of way.

3). Parents, always put your child's name on the inside, not outside of his or her clothing, to protect their privacy and to block predators from seeing their information.

4). If  you have a child (ren) with special needs or autism and who may wander because of this, install a lock on screen doors and especially on the front door; this should prevent wandering and discourage intruders.

5). If you have a child (ren) who uses the Internet for social networking, monitor what they do online. Do not let underage children (under 13) set up accounts with Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other social networking sites. If you can, discourage them from using social networks until they reach age 18! And if they use social networks, set up their computers in an area where you can easily supervise  them. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace!

6). Parents, you are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your children. But the eyes of predators are looking for easy prey. Therefore, refrain from putting bumper stickers on your cars' windshields that proclaim, "My Child Is an Honor Student," "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout," or any other such material that can help identify your child (ren) to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk for becoming overwhelmed and so are tempted to take their frustrations out on their child (ren), or depend on them heavily for help around the house or emotional companionship.

8). Parents, your beautiful children are the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget the predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos or videos of you children online. And I strongly discourage giving their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never give their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on social networks, online predators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We all need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to out chil (ren), in an age-appropriate way, about sexuality, sexual abuse, good touches and bad touches. We need to teach them how to protect themselves from it and to assure them that they do not have to keep any "grown-up secrets." No, it is not easy to talk about and I know this! But silence empowers predators and is an acceptance of sexual abuse.

10). Do not discipline a child (ren) in anger. Wait until the emotion passes before acting.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to be a voice for abused children. Visit the national CASA website at: http://casaforchildren.org/.

12). If you are pregnant or are pursuing adoption, make sure that you have a solid support system in place, especially if you are a single parent, a teenager, have a disability (ies) or other special needs. The support will reduce the stresses of parenting and lessen the increased temptation to abuse or neglect your child (ren). Getting help is much better than abusing a child (ren)!

13). Appeal to legislators to put in many more dollars on anger management classes and parenting classes in public schools at the high-school level. As them to reduce the funds spent on higher math like algebra. After all, what skills do students need to fuction in their familes and in life most, interpersonal skills or algebraic skills?  It is a matter of priorities.

14). Try to never let any child, 17 and under, walk alone anywhere for any purpose. Far too often, we have heard (maybe seen!) the terrible things that have (and continue to) happen to children who are left unattended! Yes, it is hard to make that work sometimes, especially when they are older, but we need to try.

15). If you are a new parent, especially a young one, who is petrified of the thought of parenting, you have options other than ending your baby's life. You can leave your baby with any responsible adult, take your baby to a local police station, a hospital or a church. Many childless couples or single adults would love to take your baby and give him or her a home.

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child won't realize what's been done to him or her until the time comes to apply for a job, rent an apartment, get a loan, or seek other goods and services. Do not give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate for any reason unless they NEED to know. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse!

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). If you carry emotional scars from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to work the issues through with a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor, or another caring and dedicated person. In this way you will be breaking the cycle of your past and are empowered to meet your child's needs without needing him or her to meet yours.

19). If you get overwhelmed as a parent, please get help. So many cases of abuse, epecially child abuse deaths have happened because frustrated people resort to abuse or neglect and the abuse gets out of control, ending in death for the unfortunate victim. Wal away. Pray. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1 and so find alternatives to abuse!

20). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets you up to abuse and neglect your family, including your children. You still love them as much as ever, but your addiction "has" you and you "have to feed" it. And you can't help but stoop to anything to sustain your habit, even if it means abuse. You are powerless to control your life and the first step is to admit this!

21). Raise your children to manage their anger, to develop empathy and to resolve their conflicts with words, not fists.

22). Men, take responsiblity for the children whom you have fathered, even if you are not going to marry their mom! It is so wrong and unfair, to both the mom and your babies, to desert her and to leave her to raise your child (ren) alone! This has given countless moms and children, including my mom and myself, lives of lasting disadvantage. Such moms are at-risk for abusing and neglecting their children. And, if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort and you are half of that team.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, don't be silent. Please call the 24/7 hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but we need to appeal to those in power to protect children who who are forced to rely on the system through funding and better laws.

25). Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about parenting and stopping child abuse, we need to talk about ending all other forms of abuse of any people group. This includes bullying, which is nothing but peer abuse and, if severe enough, causes the same emotional damage that any other form of abuse does. I know this from experience!

26). If you are in the position to do so, consider adopting a child or becoming a foster parent. You may be rescuing a child from an abuse or abandonment.

27). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies and check them out as much as you can; if you can afford it, have a background check run on them.

28). Children with autism or other special needs are more often abused than other children because they require more patience and endurance. I can tell you this from experience and research. If you are the parent or caregiver of such a child, please seek resources in your area where you can get guidance and help; verbal, emotional and even physical abuse do lasting harm!

This is no complete list but you get the idea. These are all simple but NOT easy ways to prevent and end abuse, including especially child abuse. And yes, in addition to doing these everyday things to protect children and especially those who are near us, you can feel free to connect with others who also yearn to to protect children and to put this issue ever in front of the public lest we forget. Child abuse awareness events, unfortunately, will remain a need until people simply do the everyday things that are vital to protect children. Aren't you sick and tired of hearing about one child abuse or abduction, and about those that end in murder of precious children? How many more memorial websites and other materials for missing or murdered children have to be put up? How many more laws and true crime books bearing the names of murdered children will be put up?  Let us get more excited about preventing these things from happening to one more child!

The website for Childhelp, a nonprofit organization, provides many ways you can get involved, including their 24/7 hotline, much material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunties, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse, and a survivors forum to share a story you may have about overcoming abuse, and more. And if you feel moved to, you can donate money to their work. visit: http://www.childhelp.org/.

Yes, we need to mind our own business. Child abuse is everyone's business.