Bravery, Bullies, and Blowheads, by Lorna Stremcha

This book is based on a true story and is based on the true life experiences of Lorna Stremcha, the author. She is an award-winning educator and coach. She is an advocate against all forms of bullying, whether in schools or in the workplace. She is listed as a speaker for Bullying Police USA and is one of the first 13 individuals to co-author the healthy workplace bullying act in the United States. Currently working with young adults, this author shares her life lessons with others in order to help them live healthier lives in the aftermath of bullying and sexual harassment. Most names in this book have been changed for privacy reasons. This book begins with endorsements by other educators and advocates against bullying and abuse. It opens with a brief acknowledgment to the author's editor, whom she calls friend. It begins with an "About the Book" by an unnamed individual, an "Author's Note" explaining what the book is all about, and a the author's Preface giving an overview of the problem facing schools. She tells her story in 12 chapter, using Chapter 12 to sum up the lessons she has learned. She provides a brief segment "Helpful Information and Vocabulary," a short segment of legal terms for bullying, and provides a section profiling who engages in bullying behaviors, identifying traits, and identifying PTSD in victims. The author wraps all this up with a short "Works Cited" section and "Recommendations" of what to further read about bullying.

I did not find this book light, entertaining reading. It showed what explains, but in no way excuses, why schools so often not only tolerate bullying, but actually cover it up and protect the bullies. It gave me "the inside scoop" of what really goes on from the perspective of educators. I could see why the author gave fictitious names to so many people, because of the nature of her story. She did the right thing in seeking to expose bullying among her co-workers and among students, but found herself being opposed until she lost her position. I was enlightened as to why, when I was growing up and experienced intense bullying, especially in 9th grade, the bullies were protected and I, the victim, was sent away to a school system that not only taught me little in the way of academics, but less in the way of life skills. I felt that I was always treated like I was "the problem." At the beginning of this book, the author tells her story of being terrorized and bullied by a young man whom she knew to have grown up in special education. Because I also grew up in a similar educational setting, this brought up bad memories. Despite the author's bad childhood, she ended up becoming hugely successful in the worldly sense, as this book shows. While I am glad for her and that she escaped, I know that many who grew up like her, remain trapped and adopt lives of not attaining their God-given potentials or worse, take up lives of crime and take out their rage on our society. The author speaks highly of her family and of how they stood by her through her ordeal, but I would have liked to know more about who paved the way for her own success. People do not become successes on their own; they have help along the way. But as this is focused on her experiences in teaching, I knew there would be little about other parts of her life.

I recommend this book for all teachers, school guidance counselors, and all educators. They need to be aware that bullying should not be tolerated or covered up. What it did to the author and to her family can show them why they should protect whistleblowers, not the wrongdoers. Parents should read this to get a look into how teachers think and what they experience, and may gain more understanding of how to handle school problems. People who grew up bullied, abused, in special education settings or in the foster care system, may find this book triggering and it may bring up bad memories. The author provides a disclaimer about this at the beginning of this book.

I received a complimentary editor's proof of this book in exchange for an honest review. I was not asked to give this book a positive review.

Hyacinth Girls by Lauren Frankel

This is a work of fiction. This author has experience with working with young people, which has prepared her for dealing with the topic that this book is based on. Se has worked with them both as an educator and as a librarian, both in the US and in the UK. Other than her educational and professional experiences in these matters little else seems to be known about this author. This book begins with a Prologue which sets the tone for how the plot will unfold. Except for the final chapters, the end of each chapter includes interactions between two of the main characters in this book; many of these sub-sections are text messages between these two main characters. Halfway through the book it shifts into the plot from one of the main character's point of view, and it has two more sections that shift points of views. This book ends with the author's acknowledgments to those whose input made this book possible.

This book, being fiction, is harder to review than non-fiction is. At least that is the case for me. It is even harder because of how this book is written, from the view points of more than one of the main characters. I did not grasp that the book was written from multiple viewpoints until over halfway through this book. Frankly, because the plots in the book threw me off, the author kept losing me and my interest. I felt that I was being thrown around and that I did not know where I would land, a critique that, in college, was made of one of my essays. But this is the author's debut novel. The teenage main character was true to life as her language, as told in her parts of the book told in her perspective and through her texts to another teen character, make clear. These portions of the book tend to be in-your-face, blunt and irreverent (no, I'm not saying all young people are like this!). I just had a hard time getting into the action in this book and to feel with the characters until the very end. Maybe it is just me, not the author, that causes this experience but as is said, perspective is reality though I'm not always sure of them. I think it is probably best to read this book more than once, to really grasp it. The strengths of this book are its subject matter and the realism in which it is dealt with. The author also exhibits honesty in portraying the leading adult character and in the lessons this character has learned. The conclusion and what the main teen character learned are powerful and show that when the truth comes to light, it often totally changes our concept of individuals whom we know. This novel is given many subheadings so that readers can stop without having to wade through pages of text or having to mark the text (a no-no in borrowed books). It is a fast and easy read, from a literary standpoint.

I recommend this book for all of those involved with young people, including parents, educators,teachers, youth ministers and youth workers, child and adolescent psychologists. It is a book about young people and about a major social ill that affects them, bullying. I recommend this book for all those who like novels. I recommend this book for young people themselves so they can be educated on bullying, though I think a good non-fiction book on bullying for young people may work better. There is profanity in this book that would make it a "PG-13" rated book though not so graphic as to be an "R" rated book.

I received this book free of charge through Blogging For Books in exchange for my honest review. I was not required to give a positive review of this book.

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A Link Between Bullying and Future Mental or Emotional Disturbance?

Just two weekends ago, a bitter, rage-filled young man went on a shooting rampage, killing six people, injuring thirteen others and then completing suicide. In his chilling video, he details his perception of himself as a victim and lays out "my day of retribution." Before this, no one had any idea that this young man felt this rage at the world. Even his parents did not know this, until they found his tape and contacted police. Some twelve years ago, two boys took pipe bombs and guns to their school; they focused their killing spree on their school. They killed twelve students and one coach. Then they took their own lives. Reports cited their stored-up angers and rage at being bully victims. Their school was reportedly one with a clear pecking order and a social stratification system. They were outcasts and wanted others to feel their pain. Many young people have ended their lives because they could not take being bullied one more minute. Suicide and suicide-homicide. See a link between childhood bullying and later severe emotional disturbances?

What Is Bullying?

We need to be responsible in the use of the word "bullying." First of all, bullying is not a mere nasty remark. It is not good-natured teasing. It is not words of disagreement or debate or critique. Bullying a a pattern of behaviors, physical, verbal, or sexual, that are abusive of one's peers. A Facebook friend of mine is making it her mission to get it officially titled "peer abuse" so it will be taken as seriously as any other form of abuse. Though awareness of bullying has much increased over the past few decades, many reports indicate that still too little is done by some schools and the victims are blamed and treated as the problem. There was a high-profile incident where it was debated whether one news anchor was actually bullied or not. It involved a single incident, not a pattern of behaviors against her. Some opined, "She was not bullied; she just experienced one bad incident. We need to stop overusing the word bullying." I would say it also depends on the severity of a one-time incident. Some may prefer to talk about specific "bullying behaviors." There is some debate in how inclusive we should make the word "bullying." But there ought to be no disagreement on how bullying, especially severe childhood bullying, affects the victim!

Why Is Bullying Set Apart from All Other Abuse?

In the past several decades, much awareness has been brought to all form of abuse. This includes domestic violence and child abuse. We know that many victims of childhood abuse at home suffer from emotional disturbances and some end up as products of their environments. They end up abusing their children and partners or spouses. Even when we became aware of childhood bullying, we still officially classified it as "bullying" and not as a form of abuse. A person in my network is devoted to changing this and to make the term "peer abuse" the term, rather than bullying. The idea is that in classifying bullying as abuse of peers by peers, that it will be taken more seriously. This is much needed. It is clear that the emotional effects of severe childhood bullying are identical to the effects of serious abuse at home. Victims of any type of abuse, no matter what form it is in, often live with the same feelings of insecurity, shame-based identity, depression, anxiety, anger, confusion, fear, even rage. I know that many will argue that childhood bullying should be placed in a different category from all other forms of abuse because the offenders are minors. Still, what is the difference between bullying and all other forms of abuse?

What Causes Suicide?

We have become aware of bullying only with the advent of technology and the cyber-bullying-motivated suicides of some young people. Online bullying added another dimension to bullying, giving bullies more to work with. Before that, bullying was almost a "necessary evil" or a "rite of passage" that most children had to go through on the way to maturity. In these decades, suicides have greatly increased in another segment of the population: Veterans. When I was discussing this with my mom and her boyfriend recently, her boyfriend (a veteran of Korea and Vietnam wars) said: "It is because they are being raised differently today." Suicides are said to be rising among the middle-aged. Can it be that life has become cheaper, including our own lives? Can this make it harder to preserve the will to live when life falls apart? Can this decreasing value of life make it easier to turn to killing "to solve our problems" or give way to sheer jealousy, greed, or revenge? So, with ever-rising rates of suicide among other segments of the population, can we say that bullying itself causes suicide? If that is so, many more of our youth would be ending their lives! Studies show that it is not really the bullying itself that is the trigger, but how it is handled by family and educators. If that is the case, then we can make a difference!

My Experience

Growing up in the 1960's and 1970's, I experienced more than my share of bullying. That was due to the differences in my behavior, co-ordination and how I dressed. I experienced bullying in elementary and middle-school (back then called "junior high", but this bullying intensified when I entered a 9th grade. It was my first year at one local public school. Apparently, my peers picked up on my differences almost right away. My year there was a blur of one incident after another, where my peers cursed me, calling me names that aren't fit to print here. They hit me, beat me, spit on me, tripped me, stole my money, destroyed my school books, and put lighters to my head. This was done on the sly. My parents had tried to get the Law Enforcement involved once, but they saw my bullies' home life as too much of a factor justifying why they shouldn't get involved. Apparently it was brought to the school's attention. In response, who was removed from this school and sent to public special schools for the rest of her school career? Who had to wear the label "behaviorally-disorder"? I did! During the summer, I had to take testing for special school district placement and the following year, I found myself in a public special school. And my aggressive peers there were much like the students I was separated from. I was in smaller classes, but watered-down curriculum and stigma made the rest of my school career (and life) as miserable as that year at the "regular school." I was treated as the problem, and I felt that I was blamed as the victim! Because of not only the bullying but how it was handled, I entered adulthood with the emotional baggage of much social anxiety, obsessive-compulsiveness, depression, petty jealousies, and a shame-based, insecure identity. I was well-known for being "hyper-sensitive" and "touchy."

Simple Ways to Prevent Future "Bullycides" and Mass Shootings

Following all the news about bullying victims, how bullying is a reported motive behind so many suicides and some homicides, we can conclude some things. First, when children are not treated well, we as a society pay for it. Many families are left wounded because of "bullycides" of their children. Many families are left wounded by the mass murders of some people who have externalized their hurts and have taken revenge on society. Their lives will never, never be the same. The same principle is just the same as with other forms of abuse: The victim is at higher risk than others to become products of their environments, without proper counseling and healing. We all need to be kind and compassionate toward everyone, even toward those who are "odd" or "different." We parents need to teach our children to be kind and compassionate, through word and example. These simple steps can prevent future "bully-cides" and mass shootings through removal of any motive for people to do those things. How simple can that be?

Bullying, How to Stop It and My Experience

I'm sure that most of us who follow the news are aware of the tragic case of Rebecca Sedwick, the 12-year-old girl who ended her life after months of cyber-bullying, a few months ago. Many of us no doubt are aware of Phoebe Price, who, years ago, also ended her life after an extended period of bullying. The tragic story of Megan Meier, a young girl who killed herself over being bullied over the Internet, had first brought awareness to bullying as a social epidemic that puts children at risk. That was in the 1980s, I believe, when Ms. Meier's story brought bullying to the forefront of public awareness. Such tragic stories make news headlines occasionally, but one such story is one too many! It is sad that bullying is not taken seriously unless a death results. Before these girls and too many children like them, bullying was seen as a "rite of passage" and not a "big deal" and not something that scars children for life.

When I was growing up in St. Louis, Missouri and in the 1970's, bullying was not seen as a school problem. While I had experienced bullying in a local Lutheran school in the 7th and the 8th grades, the bullying I endured got more vicious at a local middle school the following year. I proved an easy target for bullies because I acted differently, which I believe to this day added up to undiagnosed autism that explained very poor social skills. Also, I was physically unco-ordinated and walked differently which were diagnosed as "mild cerebral palsy." My peers took note of all this. I was tormented and called names which aren't fit to be put in print. My lunch money would be stolen, I was tripped, hit, punched and chased home. That school year was a nightmare! I called the school the "nightmare school." Because of my differences and because I wasn't encouraged to enter into extracurricular activities, I had few outlets.

The bullying did not let up that year. One incident was particularly vicious. After school one day, two of my classmates grabbed the books I was walking out of school with and carrying. "We have you this time, ---------!" they taunted. "You are not getting away!" They pushed me and knocked me to the ground. My knees were badly skinned. They kept taunting me, calling me names. I hauled myself up, hoping to get away from them. I'm not sure what happened from there, but somehow I made it home, even with my badly skinned knees. My mom and late stepdad learned about this and took me to the local police station. The officer on duty took my parents' report. However, he said to them, "I discourage you from filing any charges in this case. These two girls have a mom who works as a prostitute for a living; if you only knew what the two of them go through." I was crushed; this was proof to me that bullying was "no big deal" and that my bullies, victims at home, would not be held accountable.

My bullying is just one example of how bullying should not be handled! The following year, I was dismayed to find that I was placed with behaviorally-disordered students in St. Louis County Special School District. I had been placed before in other "special" settings because school did not know what to do with me. But this particular time, when I asked my parents "Why did I get stuck in Special?", they always told me, "The school didn't know how to keep you safe. They didn't have the resources they needed. They tried. We had no other choice but Special School District." I was never satisfied with that explanation and I'm still don't buy it. Oh, my parents no doubt thought they had no options then. This was because bullying awareness didn't exist nor was there awareness of autism spectrum disorders. For the purpose of this article, though, bullying is the focus of the question to be answered: How is bullying to be stopped? How is it therefore to be handled? In my experience, I remained in "special" settings for the rest of my school year. The message sent? You were to blame for being bullied. It was your fault. You are damaged goods. See? You are with social rejects and you are a social reject yourself. Bullying is no big deal.

I entered adulthood still believing these things and, to this day, I struggle with these thoughts and feelings. Bullying is peer abuse, and being abuse, is just as scarring and damaging as any other form of abuse. Today we have much more bullying awareness but it took the suicide of a young girl to make that happen! Since her Megan Meier's tragic story of her "bullycide," more and more of such tragic stories would make the headlines on occasion. But they have happened enough to be a great cause of concern! Young people getting viciously bullied. Developing deep depression. We're believed or the bullying was mishandled. So, in hopelessness and seeing no better days ahead, they ended their lives. This continues to happen though bullying is a hot topic these days. It has taken bullying's migration to cyberspace to bring it awareness where we have several nonprofits formed to end bullying and many schools have instituted "zero tolerance" policies. Despite all this awareness, anti-bullying nonprofits and an unrated Bully movie now shown in many schools and other settings, bullying continues.

What will it to for us to prevent and end bullying? In my humble opinion, the answers are simple though far from easy. What can we parents do? First of all, we should raise our own children to be compassionate and kind. We should hold them accountable if they are found to be bullies. As for protecting children from bullying and from cyber-bullying, we should not let them have smartphones, a favorite hangout for bullies and predators. We should not let them have unlimited or unsupervised access to social networks. Teens love to hang out in cyberspace. So do bullies and predators. They should not walk alone, for children alone are easy targets for bullies and predators. Educators have been getting better about preventing and ending bullying in schools but can do better, as bullying has not stopped in schools. Educators should always believe students who report bullying and respond by protecting the victim, keeping them in their school setting and holding the bullies accountable. Way too often, children are made to feel that they are somehow to blame for "letting themselves get bullied." Other students should be encouraged to stand up for classmates whom to see being bullied and they should be rewarded. It's called peer pressure against bullying.

No, I don't want anyone reading this who has been touched by young people who have lost their lives to "bullycide," to punish themselves for what could have been. For we all make many mistakes. What matters is what we will do now, including about bullying. What will you do?

Photo Courtesy of MorgueFile.com.

Photo by Mensatic.

This photo can be found here.

Practical Ways To Prevent and End Child Abuse

It is getting closer to year's end; school has been in session for awhile now and this brings to mind child safety and child protection, among other things. While, statistically it is noted that 80 percent of all child abusers are parents, many crimes against children are done by others. And if we include bullying, which is peer abuse, under this umbrella, this means the need to combat abuse and crimes against children, even when peer-to-peer, is that much greater. Actually, we know that this is a year-round issue. So many of us are raised to "mind your own business," which means to refrain from getting involved in problems that are not our own. Now, it may seem like "meddling" to make phone calls to law enforcement (LE) or to a child abuse or human trafficking hotline. But to a helpless and victimized child, our involvement would change the world for him or her and may be the only way out of their nightmares. So, child abuse IS everyone's business.

Child abuse and crimes against children trouble, sadden and anger any decent person. And yet, there is no sign that these crimes or abuse of children are decreasing, but may be getting worse. That is in spite of all the time, money and resources that are constantly being poured into awareness efforts to prevent and end child abuse. There are countless businesses, nonprofits and individuals, whether high-profile or everyday people, who have dedicated their lives to raising awareness among the public, to prevent and end all forms of abuse and crime, especially against children. Yet, unless I'm missing something, I don't see that all this reducing child abuse. Three children a day are said to die from abuse; this doesn't count child or teen suicides that stem from dpression because of abuse. And if we include peer abuse in child abuse, we know the need is even greater. Already, according to one Facebook post, four children have already ended their lives, since school has begun this year, over peer abuse. We need to re-define what minding our own business means. Lives depend on it!

The list of ways to prevent and end child abuse and crimes against children is not complete. I'm sure that anyone can read this list and be able to add to or amplify each item, depending on your experience or education as survivors or advocates.

1). Screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your children, especially if you need them to do this on a regular basis or they will be doing this from your home. Sadly, people are so often not what they seem to be or claim to be. Interview your candidates. If you can afford it, run background checks on these candidates. Ask them for references and call each one, paying attention to what they say and how they say it.

2). Little things can mean a lot. If you are standing in line in anywhere and you see a mom or dad with young children behind you, allow them to go ahead of you. If you see a family with young children driving behind you, grant them the right-of-way.

3) Try to always put your child's name on the inside, not outside, of all clothing and possessions, to protect their privacy and to guard them from nosy predators. It's sad that this must be done but since those nosy predators can be hard to identify, we can never be too careful.

4). If you have very young children or children with special needs who may wander, install locks on screen doors, front and back. Yes, this may sound confining but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

5). If you have children who use the Internet, especially if they use social networking sites (SNS), monitor what they do online. Yes, they probably will resent it but, in time, they will come to appreciate it. Do not let underage children (under age 13) set up SNS accounts on Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other SNS. If you can, encourage them to hold off using SNS until they reach age 18! And if they use SNS, set up their computers in an area where they can be easily supervised. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace.

6). You are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your child. But bear in mind that you never know where the eyes of predators are lurking, looking for easy prey to exploit and victimize. So refrain from putting up bumper stickers that proclaim, "My Child Is An Honor Student" or "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout" or anything else that can identify your child to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk and becoming overwhelmed and so are most easily tempted to take out their frustrations out on their children or neglect them; this includes relying on them for companionship or expecting too much from them.

8). It's normal for your beautiful children to be the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget that predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos and videos of your children on the Internet, including SNS. And I strongly discourage using their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on SNS, online pradators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse. They need to know how to protect themselves from being victimized as we cannot always be around to protect them. We need to let them know that they are to ignore any orders to "keep secrets." Silence empowers predators which is the LAST thing anyone wants.

10). Do not discipline a child in anger. Cool down before taking action. So much abuse, including that which results in death to children, comes from tempers out of control.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to serve as a voice in the system for abused and neglected children. If interested, visit the national CASA website at: http://casaforchildren.org.

12).If you are expecting or pursuing adoption, ensure that you have a solid support system in place. My heart goes out to those of you who have no extended family nearby; in that case try to find giving, helpful people who will support you. This holds true especially if you are a single parent, have a disability or other life challenges. The support will reduce the stress of parenting and lesson the temptation to abuse or neglect your children (ren).

13). Appeal to legislators to release more funds to to anger management classes and parenting classes in public schoold at the high school level, in place of all the higher match that is required of students. After all, what skills will students need to succeed at parenting and relationships, algebraic skills or people skills?

14). Try to never allow any child 17 or under, walk alone anywhere for any reason, even when it may be more convenient. We have far too often heard of the terrible things that happen to children who are left unattended!

15). If you are new and especially a young parent who is petrified of your new parenting responsibility, you do have options other than doing something desperate that you'll never forgive yourself for. You can leave your family with a responsible adult or take your baby to a church, a hospital or to any local police station. They may track you and hold you accountable, but there are many childless couples who will be overjoyed to take your baby!

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child so victimized won't realize what's been done to him or her until it's time to apply for a job, an apartment, a loan, or for a host of other goods and services that most take for granted. Don't give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate to anyone unless they NEED to know to help your child. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse.

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). Children with autism or other behavioral issues are the most abused children of all, according to research and my experience. Ths is because frustrated and overwhelmed (and maybe uninformed) parents and other caregivers lash out in frustration by verbal, emotional and even physical or sexual abuse. Children with special needs are even more vulnerable than typical children. If you are the parent or caregiver of a child with special needs, seek resources in your area where you can get referrals to those who can grant you respite care and guidance.

19). If you have emotional baggage from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to find a trusted person (s) to work though your issues with, whether a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor or other person. In this way, you will be breaking a cycle that can pass from one generation to another. We do not have to remain products of our upbringings. In this way, by empowering yourself, you will be free to meet your child (ren's) needs.

20). If you grown overwhelmed as a parent, get help. So many cases of abuse, especially child abuse, deaths have happened because frustrated parents or caregivers have resorted to abuse spinning out of control and killing children. Hard as it is, tell yourself to walk away, take deep breaths or pray. And DO call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-44530 or 9-1-1, and find alternatives to abuse.

21). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Sunstance abuse sets you up to neglect or abuse your children. Of course, you still love them as much as ever, but your body "needs" to "feed" your addiction even more. You will stoop to anything to sustain your addiction and are powerless to conquer it on your own. To save your family, get help!

22). Men, take responsibility for the children whom you father, even if you are not married to their mother! It is so unfair to get females pregnant and then desert them, leaving them alone to raise your children. Such moms are at-risk because of their stresses, of abusing and neglecting your children. Anf if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, do not be silent. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). Parents, raise your children to manage their anger, teach and model empathy and resolve their conficts with words, not fists. Set the example, hard as this may be to do at times.

25). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but appeals to the government may be the first step, so that the system will attract competent, dedicated people who are adequately paid for their work and where corrupt judges will be removed from office.This will enable the appointments of competent judges of compassion and integrity.

26).Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about preventing or ending child abuse we need to address other forms of abuse. In situations where spouses are being abused, will child removal fix the problem? According to many courts, it is!

27). Human trafficking isn't something that is "out there." Like it or not, it is happening, from coast to coast, even in the US and to children in stable, loving homes as it happens to those from bad homes. What happens is that children, around the age of 12, may run away from home or get caught up in other situations where someone approaches them and tels them that they will find a "better life" if they go to "work" for a "new family." Lured and then sold, they find themselves trapped and are made to do unimaginable things; there are many who never survive or escape. You can educate yourself at the website for Not for Sale, a nonprofit that fights human trafficking. Visit:
http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/
And if you even suspect that you see a person who may be a human trafficking victim, you can contact Truckers Against Trafficking at: 1-888-373-7888.

28). If you are in the position to do so, adopt a child. You may be rescuing a child (ren) from an abusive home, even saving their live (s).

29). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies; do as much "due diligence" as you can on them. You will be sorry to pour so much into raising a child (ren), only to see them ruin themselves in bad marriages!

30). Bullying should always be discussed when we talk about reventing and ending child abuse. Just because the abuse is done peer-to-peer does not make this form of abuse any less and the scars of those who survive this abuse are much the same as the scars of those who survive any other form of abuse. No matter what form abuse takes or who it is done by, abuse hurts. Parents, teach and model empathy, kindness and compassion. The rest of us should practice thse qualities and not tolerate any peer abuse that we witness, whether in person or online.

This is no complete list but you get the concept. Abuse can be prevented. It is up to us to prevent it. We don't have to organize, spend money, raise money, form committees and create huge events to make a difference. We can make a difference right where we are. These things that I have mentioned are simple (not easy) everyday things that all of us can do that make the world a better place. There is an established anti-child abuse nonprofit that is an outlet for ways to make a difference, Childhelp.
Their website for this nonprofit is comprehensive and offers many ways to get involved. They offer the 24/7 hotline that I have mentioned twice in this post, material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunities, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse and even a forum for survivor stories. And if you feel so inclined, you can donate. You can visit Childhelp's website: http://www.childhelp.org.

The epidemic of child abuse is so horrific that our awareness efforts can never be enough to address it. This is 365 days a year, 24/7.

Child abuse is the business of each us of. We need to mind our own business.

October Is Anti-Bullying Awareness Month

Often I find it ironic that something that, decades ago, was considered a "rite of passage" and "just part of being a kid" and hence to be tolerated, is now a huge phenomenon and that there are many dollars, time, and resources being poured into raising awareness for it. Many nonprofits have been set up to prevent and end it. Websites, groups and pages are continually set up for it. And now an entire month is being set aside to focus on it. It was a big part of my life the determined, for the worse, what kind of education I would be fast-tracked into and made me feel robeed of a childhood and an education. I'm talking about peer abuse or what is most commonly known as bullying.

Yes, I do not think that bullying would ever come to have been taken so seriously and received so much awareness without the coming of cyberspace and cyberbullying and the high-profile cases of teens being driven to suicide because of bullying they experienced, often online. And the bullying among children is now taking place at younger and younger ages, is now being done to any children, and is being done through texting, emails, social networks, and other digital venues. Awareness does not seem, in my opinion, to be doing much to prevent or end bullying. We still hear the sad stories of bullycides and of bully survivors and their stories abound with tales of adults not taking their bullying seriously until, often, it was too late. Every time I read about or hear about one more story of another teen or even a child, taking their lives because they could not endure one more minute of being bullied, we get deeply concerned and outraged and we ought. We scream about preventing and ending the bullying. "Shame on these adults," we declare, "who do not take bullying seriously! It is THEIR FAULT that these bullycides happen! Shame, shame, shame!" And yet, this bullying does not stop or why or we still calling for more awareness events? And why does it always, without fail, take death and tragedy to get us to care enough about any human problem enough to do something about it?

Here is my bullying experience and even though the school bullying took place decades ago, I can assure you that since it is another word for peer abuse, this bullying left me with many of the same emotional scars that any other kind of abuse would leave. Abuse is abuse, no matter who does the abusing. I was a magnet for my bullies because of my differences. Adults tended to verbally or emotionally abuse me, no doubt in frustration, by making remarks such as: "You just don't want to learn," "You do it on purpose," "You will not make it in life," "You are mentally and physically lazy," "You do not have real problems; you are plain spoiled," and more. A few would lock me in closets to "teach me a lesson." My peers? They took the far more blunt approach. Many noted that in me they had a juicy target. Yes, I'm forever grateful that, along with so many in my generation and even younger, we had missed the digital age and so we did not have to deal with cyberbullying. Yet, and for the very same reason, the lack of awareness of bullying and what causes children to bully and to become the targets of bullying, added to the stress and trauma not only of the bullying itself but how adults handled it and the outcome of that intervention. Especially during my middle school years, my peers viciously bullied me. They called me names like "Retard," "Ugly," "Four-Eyes," "Stupid," Slow," and names not fit to be printed here. I spent one school year enduring this bullying on a daily basis. My peers beat me up, put cigarette lights to my hair, tripped me, grabbed my books and lunch money, and more. This all got so vicious that the educators at the school in question, in an age where there was no awareness of bullying, autism spectrum disorders, learning differences and others factors to cause children to be extra vulnerable, did not know what to do. Their solution? In consulation with my parents, they decided to place me in special classes, which I had already spent much of my childhood. Message to me? You are the problem, you need to be segregated with other problems and there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you! Twice bullied!

And bullying is not confined, by any means, to schools or to the young. Bullying happens to adults and is done by adults. There is workplace abuse and bullying and a prime example of that is when employers scream at employees and even fire them for inappropriate reasons or the sexual harassment that can take place at the hands of co-workers or employers. I experienced something of this when, many years ago, I worked in a retail store for months and was doing okay there, until a new employer took over. I was certain that he did not like me and this was confirmed when, one day, he cornered me and declared, "Your services are no longer needed." He did give me his phone number so that I could use him as a future reference in a job search, which puzzled me. However, I learned later that most of my co-workers had not been "laid off" as I had and a few others had been. Those of us who had been "laid off" had "special needs" or issues and so I believe that this was discrimination. And cyberbullying happens to people of all ages who use social networks. About two years ago, I had applied to volunteer for an online nonprofit and was almost immediately accepted. I set up an official page for them and, within hours, the page was hacked with questionable material going out to my newly-added contacts in my name, material that I would never have sent anyone. The contacts linked with this nonprofit tried to do "damage control" for me. I made the bad choice of letting a family member get involved concerning how to fix the computer. However, the hacking continued and my rapport with those linked with the nonprofit began to deteriorate as they thought that I should find a way to get my computer fixed faster; then, they decided that I was not qualified to volunteer for them. I was told, "I spoke with the CEO and we have agreed that you will not volunteer for us because we need people who will help our nonprofit, not hinder it." The said family member, seeing that I was shocked and devastated by the nonprofit's (to me) abrupt decision, intervened and expressed anger at the volunteer co-ordinator. After that, a contact with the nonprofit stated that everyone with the nonprofit was ordered to remove me from their official Facebook profiles for the nonprofit. That happened as I saw that my numbers were going down more and more and I also saw that a number of these contacts had blocked me totally. No one had to tell me that some bad-mouthing of me had to have been going on for this all to take place!! On the eve of my birthday two years ago, I had reported an online sex offender who was brought to our attention and, minutes later, i received a friend request from him which I just ignored. That was not wise; I should have blocked him and marked the request as spam. On the morning of my birthday, I logged into facebook and posted my causes on group pages. Then I visited my homepage and was dismayed and anxious when I saw  this warning: "You are being asked to remove pornographic or other materials that are offensive to other users or else your account may be disabled." And I have seen numerous posts by adults in my networks about things that had been done to them online, hacking, impersonation, gossip, hateful comments and more, and have seen numerous hateful posts directed especially at politicians, not to mention hateful pages, websites and causes. Online bullying! It knows no age limit!

It is because of my awareness of bullying and efforts to try to avoid the appearance of bullying, including online bullying, that I get hurt when, especially in connection with my petition campaign and less often, seeking followers for this blogspot, I have been accused of bullying or peer abuse when I have expressed hurt or frustration about lack of support. Related to this, I have heard of accusations of online bullying where it seemed to me that the said individuals were venting frustration or expressing opinions. Bullying or peer abuse, like any form of abuse, actually occurs on a very broad spectrum and often wind up being very gray areas. Take the matter of spanking or any physical punishment, like putting soap in a child's mouth. Many advocates and nonprofits consider these to be a form of child abuse now, when these were very normal and even commended when I was growing up. Sexual harassment and lewd comments, made especially to a child or another vulnerable person, are considered sexual abuse today. Things like this were dismissed almost as "normal" and a "male thing" when I was growing up. I wonder if abuse, especially peer abuse, is so hard to address because often abuse is hard to pin down, define and, especially, to prove.

Then there is the issue of not merely bullying or abuse itself but of the bystander issue and what we do if we witness abuse, including peer abuse and even if, if just to fit in, we may contribute to bullying or abuse. Now, unless I'm missing something, I'm sure that many, even most of you reading this will hotly deny that you have ever been guilty of these things and have ALWAYS stood up to bullies and abusers. And you would NEVER, even to "fit in," ever have contributed to bullying! Not even as a child growing up! But I think that those of us who are more honest will admit that, being human, that there have been times, especially in childhood, that we have been bystanders, watching others being bullied but feeling powerless to stop it and so we did nothing even though we may well have felt sorry for the victim. So much bullying/bystander behavior happens because of insecurity and wanting to "fit in." I must make confessions in this regard concerning my school years. In a Girl Scout troop meeting for a church-based school (BEFORE my vicious public school bullying experience), I found myself in the VERY unusual position of, in the name of "fitting in" and being "cool," adding to the bullying of the girls who had been and who continued to bully me after the said incident. I wrote a poem disparaging the girl in question and, though it ended up in the trash and I don't think she had to see it, I still feel guilt and shame to this very day for my role in her bullying experience. All to "fit in"! And it did not keep me from further bullying by thse girls! An experience as a bystander happened when I was at a camp, possibly even BEFORE this time frame. All of us were in a pavilion doing artwork and then we ate lunch. As I recall it, a camp counselor was yelling at one of the girls and a number of my peers laughed at her. I felt sympathy for this girl but I must confess that I did not speak up in her behalf. After all, I did not even know the story but still, could this girl not have used someone coming to her defense? I still feel guilt about this, even today.

It is never ever pleasant or comfortable to even think that one's beloved, precious child can be a bully. It is bad enough to face the reality that your child may be bullied. But both must be faced as bullying is an epidemic and, at the end of this blog, I will provide the link to the Stomp Out Bullying website. This nonprofit exists to prevent and end peer abuse and the focus is exclusively children and teenagers, 17 and under. All of us who are parents and who have Internet access, would do well to explore this website, educate ourselves about bullying and cyberbullying and about how we can prevent and end it. This all applies to me now as a parent, for, as I write this, I have a daughter who is in middle school and who is vulnerable because she is on the autism spectrum. It is often said that abuse and bullying are best prevented and ended at home, by both modeling and teaching empathy, kindness and compassion. And as for those many of us who have survived or are being bullied or abused right now, there are forums and resources. I will privide a link to a site where bully survivors of any page can share stories of all types of bullying and abuse, find support and inspire others. For one thing about surviving abuse of any kind is that we can share our experiences and help, encourage and inspire others. This is often overlooked as a form of advocacy. But none of our life experiences ever are wasted if recycled to help others.

http://stompoutbullying.com/
This is the website for parents, educators, children and teenagers aged 17 and under. The site provides comprehensive information and many services for children and teenagers, to prevent and end all forms of bullying. They also link to a sister site with the Love Our Children USA and this sister site and nonprofit focuses on other forms of crime and violence against children. Stomp Out Bullying has a hotline and a live chat feature, though limited, where bullying victims can contact this nonprofit. However, when a victim is suicidal, they are directed to a suicide hotline.

http://bullyinglte.wordpress.com/category/personal-bullying
This is a website and forum for people of any age, from the youngest to adults, can share stories of surviving all forms of bullying, find support and support others.

http://www.rachelschallenge.org/
This site was set up by the father of Rachel Scott, the first shooting victim in the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton, Colorado. During the final years of her short life, Rachel expressed her deep Christian faith through living a life full of acts of kindness, compassion and caring, in school and out of it. Her father began this nonpartisan, nonreligious nonprofit, along with family members and others connected with Columbine. They travel all over the US and share Rachel's story in any setting where they are invited, passionately seeking to prevent and end peer abuse by spreading a message of living lives of love, empathy, kindness and compassion.

http://peerabuse.net
This is the one and only website that is devoted to adult survivors of peer abuse.

Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?

Abuse By Other Names

     If you have been following the news, I'm sure you are awareness of the firestorm of protests and controversy of a statement that the Rep. Todd Atkin had made, where he stated that women who are "truly raped" will not get pregnant because their bodies "turn on a mechanism" in response to this traumatic experience. And he is not the only "pro-life" person who has made such a remark, I have read similar remarks in life-affirming books to to prop up their case that abortion should not be available to women who get pregnant as a result of rape or incest. This argument does not hold up because many women get pregnant even in situations of great stress or trauma. I will not be getting into any discussion about life/choice arguments here; I only brought this up because of the efforts such statements make of calling abuse or crime another name or redefining it.
     Social networks have proved to be a wonderful networks for many, many people to share their experiences of abuse, crime or trauma and to give and receive support, as well as validation for their perseverence, strength and courage to weather their storms and to emerge as better people. "I am a survivor of abuse," many Facebook users and bloggers and other social networkers proclaim on their profiles. I cannot count all the posts and comments where people have stated, "I have survived abuse" and this simple statement and calling themselves "survivors of abuse" seems to garner support, sympathy, attention and validation for them for what inspirational people they are, to have suffered and to share about their abuse. I know that many people use social networks almost solely to receive support from others and to heal from pasts of abuse or crime, or at least it is clear that they are using social networks for this reason.
     I remember that, on my birthday two years ago, I experienced the shock of getting up, logging into Facebook to post my causes on group pages, when my eyes turned to my home page and I could NOT miss this warning, "Because you have posted pornographic material or other materials that are deemed offensive to other users, you are receiving this warning to immediately remove these offensive materials or your account may be terminated." I was startled! What?! But I knew who was behind this one. The evening before, I had reported a sex offender whose highly offensive profile photo, which was of a sexual organ, was up on his profile and his screenname was so obscene that it is unfit to print here. I felt that it was my moral obligation to report someone who was an obvious danger to the public, certainly to online users, including minors who use our networks! That evening, I received a friend request from the person whom I just reported, which I should have seen as a bright red flag, blocked and reported immediately. Unfortunately, I did not do that. I just ignored the request, hoping it would go away. I went to bed soon after, excited about my birthday but I found that I was in for a very rude awakening when I saw that warning that Facebook sent to me; clearly, this person had tried to add me, only to steal my online identity and report himself as a sex offender, impersonating ME!
     I was so upset that I did not know what to do. I was upset with how Facebook seemed so unresonsive to its users when they have complaint, and legitimate ones. And yet they take this online impersonator's compaint seriously! I posted on a group page about this, hoping to get a sympathetic comment. I visited the page, and soon another person, in response to the page status update about the value of people, said something like, "I don't trust anyone but those in my family. My boyfriend ruined my ability to trust people. He raped me years ago and so, as a result, I AM NOBODYS FOOL." And the person (s) who was running the page at the time, missed my comment about my cyberbullying experience and wrote a long, supportive and validating comment to the person whose comment "trumped" mine and said that their nonprofit would "be there for her" and render her support whenever she needed. I was indeed sorry that this person has experienced the trauma of being raped by a "boyfriend" and, judging from later comments, where she said she had "worked through the rape," she was doing okay and had made the transition from victim to survivor.
     I bring this experience up which I had on my birthday, because it shows that there are one form of abuse, whether it is done in person or online, that is taken less seriously than other forms of abuse and is never called abuse. Instead, it is called bullying and it seems that the very term suggests that it is therefore does not qualify to be called abuse. Was that why the administrator of that page picked up on that user's comments about an experience which everyone would define as abuse, and missed mine in the shuffle because her post was apparently compelled more attention because she was talking about what anyone would call traumatic? You have no doubt guessed that I'm talking about bullying, whether in person or online, being singled out not as abuse but meriting another name. And why? Is it not abuse because the abusive acts are much the same as are other abusve acts. In the case of bullying, whether the acts are being done by children to other children, or by adults to other adults, the acts committed have much the same impact on the victims as do similar acts of abuse committed by non-peers.
     Many years ago, a story of a 15 year old girl's rape was made public because of the controvasy surrounding it. Why the controversy? The rape was commit by her peers! Because it was done to her by some boys and they were claiming that "she had consented," her parents had much trouble getting her rape classified as rape and, with their daughter's brave permission, made this story public because they wanted rape to be trated as that even when it was done by one peer to another. Why does our society minimize abuse and crime when it is done peer to peer? I don't understand. About the only time violent acts by peers against peers seem to be taken seriously, are when people, young or older, react in pent-up rage to past bullying by striking back and "more than leveling the playing field" by taking their peers' lives. I wonder, would thse massacres have happened if someone had taken their concerns about being excluded, rejected and bullied, seriously?
     In my years on social networks, I have read many survivor stories of people have have experienced many different forms of abuse and there are many social networking sites, nonprofits and
websites set up for survivors of all different forms of abuse. Only recently have I seen anything for survivors of peer abuse, and there are far fewer resources for adult survivors of this form of abuse than there are for survivors of any other form of abuse. I think that many people, even now, see bullying as a "phase" and a "part of being a kid" and so it keeps being minimized. And, lest we forget, bullying is NOT just to by children and teens to other children and teens. It is also done by adults to other adults! For example, over two years ago, I experienced what I count to be cyberbullying, pure and simple, though the online bullies would certainly call it anything but! I had signed up to be a volunteer for a respected nonprofit because I had a number of their volunteers and staff members in my social networks already, and a few had taken a real interest in me. For about a week, things were okay, though dealings between this nonprofit, my family and me broke down and became a disaster. This nonprofit dismissed me as a volunteer, which was upsetting enough to me. But, what was much worse, I was told that everyone was under orders to remove me from their social networks on their official pages for the nonprofit. Some of their volunteers went beyond this and blocked me completely from their personal and official Facebook pages. I felt betrayed and deeply hurt and, as this was around the holidays, this saddened my holidays. What was hardest about it all was knowing that this nonprofit KNEW BETTER and, to this day, has many supporters who are in my network.
     I have often recounted my many experiences with peer abuse in my childhood and teen years because of my differences, and my sometimes experiences of emotion, and even physical abuse by adults, also for this same reason. It is said that certain children and teens are prime targets for bullying and they have the same traits of those who are extra vulnerable to other forms of abuse or crime. For thse same reasons and because abuse hurts, including when done peer to peer, it leaves the same type of emotional scars no matter who has done the abuse or no matter what form this abuse takes. Especially if this abuse is done to children or teens with developing self-concepts and growing bodies, it is especially devastating and has the most long-term effects on a person's self-concept and personality. Even today, I am still quite sensitive (many would and have said, "hypersensitive") largely because of my background. No matter what form (s) of abuse one may be a survivor of, one's scars will be much the same.
     There is a rapidly-growing, new Facebook cause called, "Let's Fight Against Peer Abuse," which has the mission of changing the term bullying to what it should be--peer abuse. The fact that this Facebook cause is growing rapidly is the recognition that people have is that abuse is abuse, no matter who does it and who it is done to. Abuse is abuse.
    
    

Practical Ways To Prevent and End Child Abuse

If you use social networking sites regularly, especially Facebook, you probably have been seeing posts about organized, highly-funded child crimes prevention campaigns whose well-meant projects are more symbolic than anything in their execution, in my opinion. These events and groups are sponsored by businesses, nonprofit organizations, groups, and many individuals, including high-profile advocates. Yes, there is much support for all these all these massive efforts, time and financial resources and the planning. The involved masses of those passionate about preventing and ending child abuse no doubt believe that this form of awareness involvement is helping to alleviate a deep-seated, pervasive social evil that is attached to many other issues. An evil that originates in the human heart and home. But for all these massive efforts to get people fired up about preventing and ending child abuse through awareness events, comes across to me (at least) as the "Super Bowl" of child abuse awareness and I wonder if it sends a confusing message. That we need to raise funds and join "cool" movements to make a difference. These type of efforts are not unique and apply to many other causes. Our culture sends the message to us that, to be effective, we must organize, form committees, attend large-scale events and projects and raise large amounts of money. All of these are useful but only up to a point. We believe that people need all this before they will attend to the "rubber meets the road" of doing everythings to prevent and end child abuse or any crimes. Maybe we do but we should not.

Whether we need these large-scale campaigns or not, this blog will focus on those "rubber meets the road," everyday things that really prevent and end child abuse and other forms of crime and violence. These are things that any of us, depending on our situations, can do right where we are if we are really serious about making a difference. I'm just giving you a wide variety of examples and I'm sure you can add to my list.

1). Parents, screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your child, especially if you need this person on a regular basis. Interview your candidates and, if you can afford it, run background checks on them. Ask them for references, and call these individuals.

2). If you are standing in line in any situation and you see a parent with young children, allow them to go ahead of you. If you are driving and you see a parent with young children, give them the right of way.

3). Parents, always put your child's name on the inside, not outside of his or her clothing, to protect their privacy and to block predators from seeing their information.

4). If  you have a child (ren) with special needs or autism and who may wander because of this, install a lock on screen doors and especially on the front door; this should prevent wandering and discourage intruders.

5). If you have a child (ren) who uses the Internet for social networking, monitor what they do online. Do not let underage children (under 13) set up accounts with Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other social networking sites. If you can, discourage them from using social networks until they reach age 18! And if they use social networks, set up their computers in an area where you can easily supervise  them. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace!

6). Parents, you are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your children. But the eyes of predators are looking for easy prey. Therefore, refrain from putting bumper stickers on your cars' windshields that proclaim, "My Child Is an Honor Student," "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout," or any other such material that can help identify your child (ren) to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk for becoming overwhelmed and so are tempted to take their frustrations out on their child (ren), or depend on them heavily for help around the house or emotional companionship.

8). Parents, your beautiful children are the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget the predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos or videos of you children online. And I strongly discourage giving their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never give their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on social networks, online predators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We all need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to out chil (ren), in an age-appropriate way, about sexuality, sexual abuse, good touches and bad touches. We need to teach them how to protect themselves from it and to assure them that they do not have to keep any "grown-up secrets." No, it is not easy to talk about and I know this! But silence empowers predators and is an acceptance of sexual abuse.

10). Do not discipline a child (ren) in anger. Wait until the emotion passes before acting.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to be a voice for abused children. Visit the national CASA website at: http://casaforchildren.org/.

12). If you are pregnant or are pursuing adoption, make sure that you have a solid support system in place, especially if you are a single parent, a teenager, have a disability (ies) or other special needs. The support will reduce the stresses of parenting and lessen the increased temptation to abuse or neglect your child (ren). Getting help is much better than abusing a child (ren)!

13). Appeal to legislators to put in many more dollars on anger management classes and parenting classes in public schools at the high-school level. As them to reduce the funds spent on higher math like algebra. After all, what skills do students need to fuction in their familes and in life most, interpersonal skills or algebraic skills?  It is a matter of priorities.

14). Try to never let any child, 17 and under, walk alone anywhere for any purpose. Far too often, we have heard (maybe seen!) the terrible things that have (and continue to) happen to children who are left unattended! Yes, it is hard to make that work sometimes, especially when they are older, but we need to try.

15). If you are a new parent, especially a young one, who is petrified of the thought of parenting, you have options other than ending your baby's life. You can leave your baby with any responsible adult, take your baby to a local police station, a hospital or a church. Many childless couples or single adults would love to take your baby and give him or her a home.

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child won't realize what's been done to him or her until the time comes to apply for a job, rent an apartment, get a loan, or seek other goods and services. Do not give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate for any reason unless they NEED to know. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse!

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). If you carry emotional scars from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to work the issues through with a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor, or another caring and dedicated person. In this way you will be breaking the cycle of your past and are empowered to meet your child's needs without needing him or her to meet yours.

19). If you get overwhelmed as a parent, please get help. So many cases of abuse, epecially child abuse deaths have happened because frustrated people resort to abuse or neglect and the abuse gets out of control, ending in death for the unfortunate victim. Wal away. Pray. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1 and so find alternatives to abuse!

20). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets you up to abuse and neglect your family, including your children. You still love them as much as ever, but your addiction "has" you and you "have to feed" it. And you can't help but stoop to anything to sustain your habit, even if it means abuse. You are powerless to control your life and the first step is to admit this!

21). Raise your children to manage their anger, to develop empathy and to resolve their conflicts with words, not fists.

22). Men, take responsiblity for the children whom you have fathered, even if you are not going to marry their mom! It is so wrong and unfair, to both the mom and your babies, to desert her and to leave her to raise your child (ren) alone! This has given countless moms and children, including my mom and myself, lives of lasting disadvantage. Such moms are at-risk for abusing and neglecting their children. And, if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort and you are half of that team.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, don't be silent. Please call the 24/7 hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but we need to appeal to those in power to protect children who who are forced to rely on the system through funding and better laws.

25). Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about parenting and stopping child abuse, we need to talk about ending all other forms of abuse of any people group. This includes bullying, which is nothing but peer abuse and, if severe enough, causes the same emotional damage that any other form of abuse does. I know this from experience!

26). If you are in the position to do so, consider adopting a child or becoming a foster parent. You may be rescuing a child from an abuse or abandonment.

27). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies and check them out as much as you can; if you can afford it, have a background check run on them.

28). Children with autism or other special needs are more often abused than other children because they require more patience and endurance. I can tell you this from experience and research. If you are the parent or caregiver of such a child, please seek resources in your area where you can get guidance and help; verbal, emotional and even physical abuse do lasting harm!

This is no complete list but you get the idea. These are all simple but NOT easy ways to prevent and end abuse, including especially child abuse. And yes, in addition to doing these everyday things to protect children and especially those who are near us, you can feel free to connect with others who also yearn to to protect children and to put this issue ever in front of the public lest we forget. Child abuse awareness events, unfortunately, will remain a need until people simply do the everyday things that are vital to protect children. Aren't you sick and tired of hearing about one child abuse or abduction, and about those that end in murder of precious children? How many more memorial websites and other materials for missing or murdered children have to be put up? How many more laws and true crime books bearing the names of murdered children will be put up?  Let us get more excited about preventing these things from happening to one more child!

The website for Childhelp, a nonprofit organization, provides many ways you can get involved, including their 24/7 hotline, much material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunties, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse, and a survivors forum to share a story you may have about overcoming abuse, and more. And if you feel moved to, you can donate money to their work. visit: http://www.childhelp.org/.

Yes, we need to mind our own business. Child abuse is everyone's business.

Survivors

Survivors. A title so many of us use to give meaning and validation to our lives.

Survivor. A person who has experienced adversity, loss, and/or obstacles and is overcoming them.

Survivor. A person who has suffered and has eternal scars, things that we can see and observe.

Survivor. A person who has internal scars that we cannot see or observe but which are very real.

Survivor. What have you been a survivor of?

You have/are suffering the fear, anxiety and trauma of a missing loved one, not knowing where that loved one is, what has happened to that loved one, or even if your loved one is alive or dead.

You have experienced being diagnosed with cancer and are dealing with the fear of what will happen and an uncertain future and with pain and even financial worries of health care.

You have suffered the devastation and loss of a loved one at the hands of a murderer and you have a new mission in life, finding justice for that loved one and keeping your loved one's memory alive.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation, even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently or that God had not made me as He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger, and loss.

But I am a survivor, and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am becoming today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God wants me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving  and forgiving.

You have known the indignity and cruelty of being sold for someone else's greed into a trade where you have have had to do things that no one should ever be asked or made to do; we call it human trafficking.

You have, as a child, been violated and told to keep it a secret and not ruin reputations; even today, you may never have told anyone because you fear not being believed or when you did tell, you have not been helped; you are one of the estimate 65 million US survivors of child sexual abuse.

You became pregnant as a teen and since no one wanted you in that condition, you were forced to abort your baby and were not even allowed to grieve; even today you are haunted with shame and guilt which you dare not share because you know you will be condemned by most people who don't understand God's grace.

Whatever we were survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation, even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive and  become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently or that God had not made made me as He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger, and loss.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can see or imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God wants me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving  and forgiving.

You have suffered the terrifying experience of being abducted, heing held against your will, wondering when you will see those you know and love, being violated, being brainwashed and maybe even resigning yourself to your fate, believing you will never be rescued.

You married a person with anger issues who had learned to resolve conflicts with fists; your partner or spouse uses you as a whipping post, controlling your money, isolating you, even hitting you and threatening your life.

You have suffered the unspeakable grief of losing a loved one to suicide; everyone, including you, are suffering not only agonizing grief but also guilt at wondering if somehow you could have prevented it.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation, even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently or that God had not made me as He has.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can see or imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God wants me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving and forgiving.

You grew up in a very dark place with illnesses of the mind where you thought and acted in ways that were a total mystery to yourself and those around you; you lived and still may remain your closet, in fear, guilt and shame and in terror that you will be found out and be stigmatized by all.

You grew up experiencing a condition called epilepsy and seizures; you have spent your life covering up your condition, even calling it and your seizures by other names and going to great lengths to hide it, including your medications and covering up the side effects.

You grew up being called stupid, spoiled, lazy, clumsy, and were placed in schools that stigmatized you for life; you grew up with shame and feelings of guilt and worthlessness, hopelessness and wondering if there would ever be a place for you; all this was because your autism spectrum disorder (ASD) was never properly diagnosed.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation and even helplessness and the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive, and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently or that God had made me different from what He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger and loss.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God wants me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving and forgiving.

You grew up in a home where you were neglected, too much was expected of you, or you may even have been hit, beaten, threatened, and where you felt the helplessness and hopelessness of an abused child; even today you may still be haunted by your trauma and wonder if you can trust anyone.

You grew up with a parent (s) who loved you but whose substance abuse addiction overpowered their love; you were neglected and may have even seen or been abused; you felt anger, fear, shame, loss, and hatred for your parents.

You grew up in a home with a parent who used you for his or her sexual pleasure; you feel shame at what has happened to you, helplessness at preventing further abuse, and anger at your other parent for not coming to your rescue; even today, you stay in your closet because you fear that you would be judged or not be believed.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation and even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently and that God had made me different from what He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger and loss.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God has made me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving and forgiving.

You were in a terrible car crash and were left with permanent disabilities where your loss is as real and as painful to you as the loss of a loved one would be; you have lost a carrer you loved, so-called friends, a way of life, even your old identity.

You lived through a terrible disaster, man-made or narural and you suffered the shock, devastation and loss of a way of life, a loved one, even permanent physical injury; whatever you have lost, you can never forget.

You are a veteran, serving your country and you have done and seen things that no one but your fellow vererans can understand; you may be home but the war still may be going on here for you as you can never be the same person, emotionally or physically, that you were before you left.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, even shame, devastation and even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, presevere, forgive and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently and that God had made me differently from what He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger and loss.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and above and beyond what I can imagine.

I am a survivor and I'm free to become what God wants me to be, whole, strong, caring, loving and forgiving.

You grew up in poverty and want, with a good but uneducated mom who had to use government assistance and you and your family were among the "less fortunate" and seen as charity; often your only source of nutrition was the free lunch school program at your public school; you had to struggle to get an education and then a job but you did it.

You grew up with disabilities, visible or invisible, where what is easy and taken for granted by everyone else has always been a struggle for you; you may wonder why you have been put on this Earth, why God has made you as He has; you want nothing more than to be accepted for who you are and to be allowed to be independent, productive and valued.

You grew up as the target of peers who plugged into your vulnerabilities and who bullied you extensively; the adults in your life did not handle your situation well and you felt that you were not heard, that you did not have a voice and that you did not count; even today, you may have a tough time trusting people and their motives.

Whatever we are survivors of, we have known pain, loss, grief, maybe shame, devastation and even helplessness and the loss of the will to hope or live.

But we are not victims. We are survivors. By God's grace we can heal, persevere, forgive and become better, stronger people, using our experiences for the help of others.

I may wish that my life experiences had been different, that I had done things differently or that God had made me differently from what He has; I may still feel regret, shame, guilt, fear, anger and loss.

But I am a survivor and God is using my life experiences to make me what I am today; He has a purpose for my life beyond what I may see and beyond what I can imagine.

Survivor. What if our lives had been easy, pleasant and fun and only good, wonderful, exciting things happened to us with nothing to survive?

Survivor. If I had unscarred by life, I would never be able to develop the virtues of compassion, wisdom, patience, courage, forgiveness and perseverence.

Survivor. I may have been led to believe that I am doomed to lasting failure, and to repeat the mistakes of the past.

But I am not a victim. I am a survivor and I'm free to break the cycle of abuse, addiction, failure and other realities that may have been my life.

I am a survivor; God's grace has brought me through, caused me to over come and to continue to overcome until healing is complete.