Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?