Victims, Survivors and Responsibility

Today, it is very fashionable and "in" to claim to be a victim or a survivor of some adversity or another. In fact, this practice has been in vogue for decades, for quite a few years ago, I had read a book called A NATION OF VICTIMS. The author made valid points though I felt quite unsettled by much of what he asserted, and I'm sure that many, maybe most, who have read that book would be similarly affected. Indeed, we should take to heart the fact that these terms have been widely abused by many of us to duck responsibility for our actions, to gain sympathy or attention, and/or to reduce or even eliminate expectations of us or consequences for our misdeeds. It is also politically correct to never blame a personal called a victim, for anything done when victimized. "Playing the victim" is a derogatory and accusatory remark directed at anyone who is seen as "whining" about his or her "lot in life" or "bad luck."

In the current highly publicized court case, we who have been even casually following it have noted how the defendant, Jodie Arias, has been claiming to be a victim/survivor of both child abuse and of intimate partner violence. Her claims have been exposed as false by prosecution character witnesses, by the prosecution expert psychologist and by two siblings of Travis, the murder victim. Yesterday, in profoundly moving, powerful victim impact statements, Steven and Samantha Alexander paid tributes to their murdered brother, what he meant to them and how his terrible loss has devastated every area of their lives and the glue of their family life. In this case, the defendant, Jodie, has been claiming abuse, as a child and as an adult, to avoid responsibility for her actions and their consequences via gaining sympathy from the jury who had not bought her story. We know this from their "Guilty of First-Degree Murder" and "Unusual Cruelty: Proven" verdicts in the guilt and aggravation phases of this trial.

This causes me to ponder and address the issue of autism and how this abuse of the words "victim" and survivor" have created a backlash against those in the autism community and against many in the larger disability community. Let me illustrate. The accusation is often made that many in the autism community use the autism diagnosis to evade personal responsibility. This accusation is made, often, of parents who seek (and get) the autism diagnosis for their children. "You just want people to feel sorry for your child," "You want sympathy for yourself," "You are looking for excuses for your poor parenting," and even,"You are looking for an autism diagnosis to get government benefits for your child." This same accusations is often made of adults who seen an autism diagnosis later in life. It is for this reason, among others, that there is still controversy about neurological conditions with behavioral symptoms, like Autism Spectrum Disorders and Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and other such conditions. Parents are sometimes accused of using their children's diagnoses as "chemical babysitters" or as "substitutes for good parenting" when medications or therapies are used as treatment options.

There is also the practice of inducing false memories of child molestation, which is extremely scarring, with psychological effects which stay with its survivors for life. There have been cases of parents who have lost children to false allegations (whether of false memories or other things) to false accusations of child molestation. Workers with child contact have also lost their jobs for the same reasons. We all have read of numerous women who have brought forth false rape accusations against men. Many years ago, I read a book by a woman, called FORGIVE ME, who did just this; as a result of her Christian conversion years later, she recanted her story to free the innocent man who was sentenced for a rape he never committed. Any of us who even casually follow the news, hear of false rape accusations. Why are such accusations made? It is no doubt because the false accusers want sympathy and attention, as our society sympathizes with victims of rape, whether in childhood or as adults.

We all are aware of how many, many scams are brought about by playing on our compassion and generosity, whether you are talking about people falsely claiming to be cancer victims to raise money for themselves or are talking about numerous scams exploiting community tragedies to profit off misfortune. Many years ago, a woman claimed to be a 911 survivor, actually became a leader among 911 actual survivors, and raised money for this community and attracted much sympathy and accolades for her supposed "courage" and "strength" for all the "horrors she had survived." This was until one person was observant enough to see that this lady's story did not "add up" and after checking into matters this lady was exposed as a fraud. In recent years I have known of a number of women who had claimed to be cancer victims and had garnered much public sympathy and donations. Many people falsely claim to be victims, whether of natural causes like cancer, or of unnatural causes like rape--all to get attention, sympathy, even money.

Yet this very frequent practice of falsely claiming abuse, whether to get money, attention, sympathy, or to evade society's expectations or consequences, backfires. It causes a backlash against genuine victims and survivors of traumas. Those who are truly victims, whether of any form of abuse in childhood or adulthood, become more and more hesitant to share their stories and to make police reports. This is because they do not want to become re-victimized through not being taken seriously or believed or blamed for their victimization. This practice of false victimization has spawned a recent petition to create legislation calling for criminal background checks on all those who come forward about abuse. And then think of the devastating effect false abuse allegations have on those whom they are made against, destroying reputations and putting innocent people in jail, prison, and even on Death Row. While we are rightly admonished by child advocates to report even suspected child abuse, we are wise to ensure that we are able to back up our reported suspicions with a statement, an action, an incident, that is a basis for our suspicions.

True and actual victimhood does not diminish our responsibility though it lessens it and makes our actions more explainable. We so often see this in countless people who have survived childhood or adult adversity and have emerged to become positive, strong, caring, even successful. I have heard it said, several times, that "Prosperity is a more severe test of character than poverty (or adversity) is." The Scriptures, over and over, from cover to cover, tell us that spiritual growth comes through suffering. We know this because of how so many recent tragedies have brought whole communities together, whether weather disaster, shootings, bombings or other tragedies. The one perfect Person Who lived, Jesus, also suffered more than any other human during all the events leading up to His trials and His death in what is known as "Holy Week." Throughout that time alone, Jesus suffered the betrayal of a very close friend, eventual desertion by all His friends, false accusations, mockery, injustice, and every form of abuse in its most severe form. He suffered extreme physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. This all means that we do not have to be prisoners of out pasts and also, that we cannot use even actual abuse to excuse our misdeeds. This holds true whether we are talking about medical conditions where we have reduced control over our behavior, like Autism, or life events, like abuse or illness.

The Case That Is Now Fascinating Us

She claims that she has 2000 Twitter followers.

She claims that she is a survivor of child abuse.

She claims that she is a survivor of intimate partner abuse.

She responded to her arrest by singing.

She responded to her arrest by doing headstands.

She declared on a TV interview, "No jury will ever convict me."

She added to this declaration, "Because I will kill myself first."

She expressed happiness that her tested I.Q. is at the genius level, like Einstein.

She took the life of her intimate partner, claiming that this was an act of self-defense.

She is very attractive and talented.

She is on trial and accused of first-degree murder.

I'm very sure that you know the identity of the person whom I'm giving these details on. Her name is Jodie Arias and she is taking the place of Casey Anthony as America's "Most Hated Woman." I'm seeing a lot of comparing of these two women and their cases. The biggest similarity is the massive media coverage of these two cases and the massive public interest. Are you one of the many, in OR outside the US, who are closely following this riveting this case? I would not be surprised that you are. I know that there are still many who do not have cable TV and so may not have as much media access to this case. What is so FASCINATING about this case? Well, we are getting TONS of sex and scandal, which are always sensational. There is the element of uncertainty and not knowing what the outcome will be.

Why are so many of us virtually living through this case, with our emotions so tied up in every twist and turn that is happening during this trial? Even as I write this, another family member has been cursing the TV and the curses were directed at the defendant. Why has HLN gone so far as to devote an entire show to a "mock jury" who go through "mock min-trials" and render "mock verdicts"? So many of us are familiar with every player in this case, including the devastated family of Travis, the murder victim, the hurting family of the defendant, the prosecutor, Juan Martinez, every witness, the defense lawyers, and of course, the defendant and Travis, her unfortunate victim. Why so much INTENSE media coverage? Demand. We cannot get enough!

With all the court theatrics, the trashing, defamation and slander of the defendant's parents and especially of the unfortunate victim himself, and the questionable tactics of the defense team and witnesses, we must never forget who the actual victim is. We must never forget that he has a grieving, devastated family who are forced to sit in this trial day after day and listen to their murdered loved one get revictimized. At the bottom of this blog I will give the address of one of his sisters, given on a Facebook page set up for the family of Travis. You can send the family cards, letters, even donations. The Facebook page for their support has information there in the "Info" tab about how you can give online, if you desire to do so.  To show support and get justice for their murdered loved one, they are paying for their travel and longing expenses with public support.

The trial is making us think about abuse, what it is, what it is not and what kinds of abuse there  are. Was Jodie abused by Travis? That is the claim made by the defense. But I think that is beside the point of this blog. Despite my personal feelings for the current "Domestic Violence Expert," I have to agree with her GENERAL statements that there are different kinds of abuse and that there are degrees of abuse. Abusers usually have many good qualities and abusive relationships have highs AND lows.
Traditionally and even now, physical abuse is what automatically comes to mind when we think of abuse and what is often not realized is that emotional abuse and control is what ALL forms of abuse are based on. Also, emotional abuse can happen by itself. Emotional, financial, and sexual abuse (alone OR combined) cause permanent emotional scars and often can't ever be forgotten, while physical injuries usually heal. Maybe one good thing coming out of this high-profile trial is that many people will become more aware of how abuse works.

Yes the point is the supposed abuse of the defendant. In her testimony, she has claimed being spanked with a wooden spoon by her mom and that her parents physically abused her. She has claimed being both emotionally and physically abused by Travis, as well as sexually abused and degraded by him. Yes, I heard the sex tape and his exchanges as well as hers. I heard about how that tape was recorded. My honest opinion of  Jodie's abuse claims? I see little convincing evidence that she has experienced any form of abuse, in childhood or at Travis's hands. Her parents, via taped police questioning and other interviews, have stated that this defendant had once almost killed her brother by hitting him on the head with a baseball bat, would kick her mom without cause, lied regularly and "may go off the deep end" as "she had issues." The sex tape? Unless I misunderstood it, both Travis and Jodie seemed to be enjoying themselves, pointing to a consensual intimate relationship. The angry texts by him? These are said to be his responses to her prior actions, but do these rise to the level of emotional abuse, which is control?

The "I do not Remember" defense that has been put forth by Jodie and her defense team? Her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) defense? I have heard both explanations put forth by military veterans when they told of how they have killed in combat. I well recall the case of former Senator Bob Kerrey, who, when he was younger, fought in Vietnam as a Navy Seal. Years ago, he confessed to ordering a shooting where a number of civilians were killed as he though they were the Viet Cong enemy. Upon his confession, he claimed PTSD and "the fog of war." Should Jodie be equated or compared to those who have fought for our freedom? It is a new one on me that now the PERPETRATORS of violent, horrific crimes in PEACETIME can also claim PTSD in a court of law!
Aside from that, it DOES make sense to me that a criminal can "block out" crimes to not have to think about them, whether consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression).

What are the undisputed FACTS in this high-profile case? A young man was brutally killed a few years ago. He was stabbed 29 times. His throat was slit from ear to ear. He was shot. He will never breathe the same air that we are breathing. The defendant has confessed to this homicide BUT only as an act of self-defense. She is charged with first-degree murder. Her life is at stake because she is on trial for a possible death penalty. The lives of two families have been forever shattered by this defendant's actions. The outcome of this trial is uncertain.

I know that Jodie has her supporters, just as every criminal does, based on media coverage of those who show bias toward her, her 2000 plus Twitter followers, and the efforts of her defense team to spare her life and to reduce her charges and sentencing. I also know that Travis and his family have far more support. Though massive support can never fill the huge void and lasting devastation of a murdered loved one, they can use your support! There is a Facebook page set up just to get support for this family, emotional and financial. One sister of Travis's also has provided an address so people can send cards, letters and other forms of support to the family.

The address to contact the family and show your support is:

Tanisha Sorenson
ALS
700 E. Redlands Blvd., Ste. U304
Redlands, CA 92373

This is the address for cards and/or donations for the family:

Travis Alexander Legacy Fund
2036 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite 2-621
Mesa, AZ 85203

https://www.facebook.com/SupportTravisAlexandarsFamily
This is the link for the Facebook page to show the family of Travis public support.

Banner Courtesy of Barb McNally

The Tragedy Of Needing Tragedy For Unity

What a very dramatic week it has been, whether you are talking about nationally or personally. Nationally, all of US in the USA are feeling the effects of the monster storm that is called Hurricane Sandy, which is anticipated to be the worst and most damaging storm in US history. It was this past Sunday afternoon that I first learned about it on the news when returning home from Sunday worship services. As I write this, 44 people are confirmed dead and this means that 44 families are mourning the unexpected deaths of loved ones on top of everything else they are dealing with. And, this death toll is expected to rise. This all has happened at a politically inopportune time and very close to the US elections. But are politics on the minds of people, or on the minds of the millions of those in the affected areas, including those now 80.2 million people who are now without power? I do not think so! And, guess what? Our poiticians, who have been shown so much mean-spiritedness and petty vindictiveness, have, for the time being, set all of that aside. When asked "Are you worried about the impact of Hurricane Sandy on your Presidential campaign?" President Obama answered, "I'm not worried about the impact of Hurricane Sandy on my campaign. I'm worried about the impact of this hurricane on the countless people whose lives, homes, business and families have been affected" and that he knew that it would take a long time to recover from this hurricane's effects and pledged to help. The New Jersey Governor, who had, before this, made no secret of his disdain for supporters of the US President, has praised the President for his Presidential response to this entire situation and especially, on behalf of those in the affected states (his state among those most affected). In the wake of this terrible storm, this show of nonpartisanship is inspiring and heartening, though we know full well that it, sadly, will not last.

Last year, I recall that a very similar dynamic was at play. At that time, we in the US were undergoing a major economic crisis. In Washington, DC, both Houses of the US Congress were engading in bitter and ugly battles over how to balance the US budget. If you had been following the news, whether online or offline, you were aware of all the feuding over making hurtful cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid to balance the budget (advanced by the more conservative) vs. requiring millionaires and billionaires to pay more through increased tax revenues (as advanced by those with more liberal leanings). Both sides were strongly opposed to what the other side was proposing and no one was willing to give in. It was clear that compromise was needed, and such a solution would have something to please everyone, but not enough to satisfy anyone. But no one was open to this in Washington, except for the President, who was calling for compromise. Then, when the US House was casting their votes on this very matter, Congresswoman Gabrielle "Gabby" Giffords was brought in to cast her vote. If you recall the shooting, Gabby Giffords was one of those who was shot, and she was seriously hurt, having been shot in the head. She had a very long rehabilitation and fight to overcome the many serious effects of her traumatic brain injury. As she entered the room, the entire mood changed and everyone there was suddenly forced to see that they needed to unite to overcome their differences to do what was best for their country. Gabby had come to cast her vote because she so passionately wanted to do what was best for her country and for her own constituents; her perspective in the face of all that she had overcome had inspired everyone to vote their consciences. Had she not experienced her personal tragedy and overcome its effects to come and cast her vote, would our politicians have united to make a decision to balance the US budget that was the best for the country, all things considered?

We all recall the worst terrorist attack in US history that happened on September 11 over ten years ago. These attacks took about 3000 lives and the lives of countless people were turned upside down forever. As countless affected people grieved on a personal level and as the US grieved on a national level for the thousands of lives lost, we all came to see some things with sudden clarity. We realized the priceless value of every human life and that we were all in this together and we would all get through this together. The popular song, "United We Stand," was heard often on TV during commercials. We began to talk very frequently about unity. We witnessed our politicians from both opposing parties uniting to help survivors of September 11. It was good to see the new nonpartisanship, but why did we need a huge national tragedy to make it happen? I recall reading articles about people all over the US who pondered what the terrorist attacks meant for their families and lives. They would write about seeing the priceless value of their families and friends and how all this was brought into sharp focus because of the terrorist attacks. As for New York City, the most affected by the terrorist attacks as that is where the two twin towers were, this ciry suddenly presented to the rest of the world a strong united front. Before this, there had been a stereotype that people in New York stuck to themselves, no doubt because of the sheer density of their population and because of so many of them being close together. But, this common tragedy forced them to see how all of them were "in it together" as they felt free to reach out to each other. Yes, unity happened. But at what cost? It took a major tragedy and the loss of many lives for this unity to happen and for differences to be set aside.


Much closer to where I am, a woman who had been a close personal friend (at the time) of my mom's and was "going steady" with one of my uncles, experienced every mother's nightmare, along with another woman whom she had barely known or spoken to. I will always recall how I had returned home and, as soon as I walked into the house, I was shocked and horrified to hear, "Stacy was found murdered." Mom, as I recall, told me that Stacy, then age 15, was babysitting little Tyler, 3 years old. It was then that both thse children were found murdered in the bathtub of the apartement they were in! Mary, Tyler's mom, and Jude, Stacy's mom, were acquaintances before this terrible murder and had not spoken much. But, with this common loss and tragedy, they were forced into an exremely close bond unshared by anyone else in their lives. But at what a terrible cost! The story of the double murder of Stacy and Tyler has, many years ago, been told in the book, EVERY MOTHER'S NIGHTMARE, by Charles Bosworth, Jr.fit for justice for Tyler and Stacy was long and the investigation was slow, but justice was finally won. It all has been told in the book, which is no longer in print. The point for this discussion is that two moms who, before the horrific murder of their children, had little in common and a weak bond, now were closer than any other two moms. Their common tragedy transcended all their differences because of their shared pain, loss and sorrow. Over and over, in the past years of my online advocacy, I have seen this same dynamic among families of the missing or murdered. As I have, over the days, months and years, seen post after post, and comment after comment on PEACE4THEMISSING and on Facebook. I have seen the intense bond that thse families share. Their bond and common and intense caring for each other, transcends all their differences in religion, politics, and everything else. They often call themselves "the elite club of the families of the missing or murdered." The bullying and petty differences that I have witnessed on so many social networks, is absent among thse families and those who advocate for them. They treat each other as we all ought to treat one another, but why is tragedy needed for us to set aside our differences, especially in religion and politics, and care for each other and recognize our common humanity?

In the world of the missing and crime victims, many people are grieving the loss of a crime victim advocate named Susan Murphy-Milano. I have never known Susan personally or spoken with her, but what I have heard about her makes me wish I had known her. Many who support Susan share an intense bond of mutual caring and sharing. Susan, for those of you who may not be familar with her, had grown up in an abusive home. I do not know the details of her past, as she descibes in her memoir HOLDING MY HAND THROUGH HELL. Susan witnessed her father, in law enforcement, hellishly abuse her mother, and he abused Susan, too. Eventually, Susan's father killed her mother and then killed himself. As a result of this horrific murder-suicide of her parents, Susan became passionate about helping others experience domestic violence escape with their lives, as she did and transition from victims to survivors, as she had. Many people in my social networks had known Susan personally, as she had assisted many of them and mentored many. I understand that she has also written three other books. She also hosted her own radio broadcast, "The Susan Murphy-Milano Show." Also, she had also appeared on national TV shows. Earlier this year, she had been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer, and soon a Facebook prayer page was set up for Susan. Every time I visited this group page, I could see the bond and caring between all of those who Susan had helped, and who knew her and were supporting her. Their common bond was having been helped by Susan, their gratitude to her and their intense desire to support her and see her conquer her cancer. On pages such as this page that was set up for Susan, bullying and petty differences were absent and people treated each other as they should. It took the tragedy of one woman's cancer to bind many people, who loved her with passion because of what she had been to so many during her years of advocacy. Sadly, Susan lost her battle with cancer two days ago, but the community around her has not lost their bond of love, sharing and caring for one another.

This sad fact of needing tragedy for unity gets me to thinking about my own petition campaign. This weekend, I had read an article that surmised that all their most successful petitions have one thing in common: They are all surrounded by "human drama." In other words, it took tragedies to fuel people to sign these petitions and to be stirred up enough to pass them on to others, recruiting them to also sign these petitions. My Change.org petition, as many of you may know, is for autism and to appropriate, renew, and reallocate funds to cover all people with autism in the US through support services of various kinds. Over and over, I have wondered, with frustration, disappointment and sadness, why so many in and out of the autism community have not, to my knowledge, show widespread support for this petition's purpose in calling for coverage for people with autism of all ages; this petition calls for expanded coverage for children and coverage of now non-existent services for adults. I ask myself, will it take a tragedy to fuel people, in and out of the autism community, to convert my petition campaign into a grassroots movement? For, currently, I have been gathering, on the average, about 22 signatures a week and I know that this petition can and do much better. My fear is that this sad fact of a tragedy, especially in the autism community, will be needed to "light a fire" under this petition's mission and make it "go viral." And this sad fact should get us to see EXACTLY why God permits evil in our world, pain, sorrow, suffering and all forms of hardship and need. God, in His wisdom, knows full well that it takes a crisis in our lives to stop us in our tracks and force us to see what is really important. And, sadly, even that tragedies that so many people experience still fail to teach them what is really important is a reality. Suffering, even a life of suffering, is no guarantee that a person will become a better person, but only what he or she does with it. But, as we have seen over and over, it takes tragedy to bind us together. But, I may add, it does not take mere tragedy to draw us together. Often such tragedy had to be made high-profile and affect others also. This may explain my difficulty in gathering petition signatures: No tragedy that affects others, in connection with the autism community, has recently made the news.

None of us, of course, wills tragedy for ourselves or for anyone else. But the lessons of compassion, courage, perseverence, strength, patience and grace that often come from it, are priceless things that we would not want to be without and they only come through tragedy!

Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?

Abuse By Other Names

     If you have been following the news, I'm sure you are awareness of the firestorm of protests and controversy of a statement that the Rep. Todd Atkin had made, where he stated that women who are "truly raped" will not get pregnant because their bodies "turn on a mechanism" in response to this traumatic experience. And he is not the only "pro-life" person who has made such a remark, I have read similar remarks in life-affirming books to to prop up their case that abortion should not be available to women who get pregnant as a result of rape or incest. This argument does not hold up because many women get pregnant even in situations of great stress or trauma. I will not be getting into any discussion about life/choice arguments here; I only brought this up because of the efforts such statements make of calling abuse or crime another name or redefining it.
     Social networks have proved to be a wonderful networks for many, many people to share their experiences of abuse, crime or trauma and to give and receive support, as well as validation for their perseverence, strength and courage to weather their storms and to emerge as better people. "I am a survivor of abuse," many Facebook users and bloggers and other social networkers proclaim on their profiles. I cannot count all the posts and comments where people have stated, "I have survived abuse" and this simple statement and calling themselves "survivors of abuse" seems to garner support, sympathy, attention and validation for them for what inspirational people they are, to have suffered and to share about their abuse. I know that many people use social networks almost solely to receive support from others and to heal from pasts of abuse or crime, or at least it is clear that they are using social networks for this reason.
     I remember that, on my birthday two years ago, I experienced the shock of getting up, logging into Facebook to post my causes on group pages, when my eyes turned to my home page and I could NOT miss this warning, "Because you have posted pornographic material or other materials that are deemed offensive to other users, you are receiving this warning to immediately remove these offensive materials or your account may be terminated." I was startled! What?! But I knew who was behind this one. The evening before, I had reported a sex offender whose highly offensive profile photo, which was of a sexual organ, was up on his profile and his screenname was so obscene that it is unfit to print here. I felt that it was my moral obligation to report someone who was an obvious danger to the public, certainly to online users, including minors who use our networks! That evening, I received a friend request from the person whom I just reported, which I should have seen as a bright red flag, blocked and reported immediately. Unfortunately, I did not do that. I just ignored the request, hoping it would go away. I went to bed soon after, excited about my birthday but I found that I was in for a very rude awakening when I saw that warning that Facebook sent to me; clearly, this person had tried to add me, only to steal my online identity and report himself as a sex offender, impersonating ME!
     I was so upset that I did not know what to do. I was upset with how Facebook seemed so unresonsive to its users when they have complaint, and legitimate ones. And yet they take this online impersonator's compaint seriously! I posted on a group page about this, hoping to get a sympathetic comment. I visited the page, and soon another person, in response to the page status update about the value of people, said something like, "I don't trust anyone but those in my family. My boyfriend ruined my ability to trust people. He raped me years ago and so, as a result, I AM NOBODYS FOOL." And the person (s) who was running the page at the time, missed my comment about my cyberbullying experience and wrote a long, supportive and validating comment to the person whose comment "trumped" mine and said that their nonprofit would "be there for her" and render her support whenever she needed. I was indeed sorry that this person has experienced the trauma of being raped by a "boyfriend" and, judging from later comments, where she said she had "worked through the rape," she was doing okay and had made the transition from victim to survivor.
     I bring this experience up which I had on my birthday, because it shows that there are one form of abuse, whether it is done in person or online, that is taken less seriously than other forms of abuse and is never called abuse. Instead, it is called bullying and it seems that the very term suggests that it is therefore does not qualify to be called abuse. Was that why the administrator of that page picked up on that user's comments about an experience which everyone would define as abuse, and missed mine in the shuffle because her post was apparently compelled more attention because she was talking about what anyone would call traumatic? You have no doubt guessed that I'm talking about bullying, whether in person or online, being singled out not as abuse but meriting another name. And why? Is it not abuse because the abusive acts are much the same as are other abusve acts. In the case of bullying, whether the acts are being done by children to other children, or by adults to other adults, the acts committed have much the same impact on the victims as do similar acts of abuse committed by non-peers.
     Many years ago, a story of a 15 year old girl's rape was made public because of the controvasy surrounding it. Why the controversy? The rape was commit by her peers! Because it was done to her by some boys and they were claiming that "she had consented," her parents had much trouble getting her rape classified as rape and, with their daughter's brave permission, made this story public because they wanted rape to be trated as that even when it was done by one peer to another. Why does our society minimize abuse and crime when it is done peer to peer? I don't understand. About the only time violent acts by peers against peers seem to be taken seriously, are when people, young or older, react in pent-up rage to past bullying by striking back and "more than leveling the playing field" by taking their peers' lives. I wonder, would thse massacres have happened if someone had taken their concerns about being excluded, rejected and bullied, seriously?
     In my years on social networks, I have read many survivor stories of people have have experienced many different forms of abuse and there are many social networking sites, nonprofits and
websites set up for survivors of all different forms of abuse. Only recently have I seen anything for survivors of peer abuse, and there are far fewer resources for adult survivors of this form of abuse than there are for survivors of any other form of abuse. I think that many people, even now, see bullying as a "phase" and a "part of being a kid" and so it keeps being minimized. And, lest we forget, bullying is NOT just to by children and teens to other children and teens. It is also done by adults to other adults! For example, over two years ago, I experienced what I count to be cyberbullying, pure and simple, though the online bullies would certainly call it anything but! I had signed up to be a volunteer for a respected nonprofit because I had a number of their volunteers and staff members in my social networks already, and a few had taken a real interest in me. For about a week, things were okay, though dealings between this nonprofit, my family and me broke down and became a disaster. This nonprofit dismissed me as a volunteer, which was upsetting enough to me. But, what was much worse, I was told that everyone was under orders to remove me from their social networks on their official pages for the nonprofit. Some of their volunteers went beyond this and blocked me completely from their personal and official Facebook pages. I felt betrayed and deeply hurt and, as this was around the holidays, this saddened my holidays. What was hardest about it all was knowing that this nonprofit KNEW BETTER and, to this day, has many supporters who are in my network.
     I have often recounted my many experiences with peer abuse in my childhood and teen years because of my differences, and my sometimes experiences of emotion, and even physical abuse by adults, also for this same reason. It is said that certain children and teens are prime targets for bullying and they have the same traits of those who are extra vulnerable to other forms of abuse or crime. For thse same reasons and because abuse hurts, including when done peer to peer, it leaves the same type of emotional scars no matter who has done the abuse or no matter what form this abuse takes. Especially if this abuse is done to children or teens with developing self-concepts and growing bodies, it is especially devastating and has the most long-term effects on a person's self-concept and personality. Even today, I am still quite sensitive (many would and have said, "hypersensitive") largely because of my background. No matter what form (s) of abuse one may be a survivor of, one's scars will be much the same.
     There is a rapidly-growing, new Facebook cause called, "Let's Fight Against Peer Abuse," which has the mission of changing the term bullying to what it should be--peer abuse. The fact that this Facebook cause is growing rapidly is the recognition that people have is that abuse is abuse, no matter who does it and who it is done to. Abuse is abuse.
    
    

Social Networking: the Bad and the Good

     We are always, it seems, focusing on the dark side of the Internet and on social networks and there are extremely valid reasons for doing so. I have often posted about many negative experiences that I have witnessed or experienced. And, if we listen even casually to the news, we have hear too often about Internet crimes, including those committed by the "Craigslist Killer," the sometimes tragic outcomes known to befall especially younger people who meet others online and especially for romantic purposes and the suicides motived by online bullying. The use of Internet pornography has ruined or at least soured countless marriages. And this is not to mention that social networks, especially Facebook, have ruined many relationships, including marriages (aside from pornography). And then social networks have given predaors many more tools to work with, making for many more avenues for human trafficking and child pornography.
     The media and the leaders of the Church (the community of people of faith) also often warn us about the dangers of the use of the Internet and especially social networks. The concern is especially something called "Internet addiction." Heavy use of the Internet can be very addicting as there is virtually NO limit to what a user can do online, the more computer-savvy one is. This heavy use of the Internet can blind a person to everything else, even to those things one normally cares about and enjoys. This is why Church leaders advise people, especially during Lent, to take "Facebook breaks," "social networking breaks" or "Internet breaks." Even at this time, family members have expressed concern and frustration that my absorption in my petition campaign and my associated activities that are going with it, including Internet marketing, awareness and  my fairly new website (as yet under construction) and that is not to mention the commitment of this blogspot, maintaining it so that I post here twice a week. All this can be time-consuming, especially if there are bugs, glitches or issues, including interpersonal ones. And yes, we should be on our guard against overuse of the Internet or the use of social networks as a substitute for a social life in the "real world." And this is much tougher for those of us who are not socially inclined or simply shy but who enjoy connecting with people online. It is a temptation for me!
     And then there is the serious issue of the widespread atmoshere is lies, deception and fake users as the Internet makes it easy to hide behind one's computer screen. Privacy settings are wonderful but they make it easy for fakes, crooks, scammers, predators and other bad guys or gals, to hide behind their computer screens. And it is quite difficult to tell the the bad guys or gals apart from good, honest, trustworthy users. So many users can claim to be something they are not or, even if real, falsify or embellish their claims or experiences for reasons known only to them. In this atmosphere of suspicion, other users are often not likely to give one the benefit of the doubt if there are suspicions or concerns. After all, it is "just social networking," right?
     As for as connecting to nonprofits whose presence is mainly online and whom I learned about only through social networks, the experience almost always has been negative when I have tried to connect with them on a deeper level other than as a distant supporter. I know that this may say as much about me as much about thse nonprofits, for in each case, I may have "overshared" about my challenges and medical conditions in the name of openness and honesty. Instead of commending me for these qualities, these nonprofits apparently were scared off by my revelations. These dismissals have only triggered my memories of the past when both adults, with emotional abuse and peers, with their bullying, suggested that I was not "good enough." But getting back to encounters, including nonprofits, being only online, it seems that such encounters cause the parties involved to lose credibility more easily. This is because we don't have access to many nonverbal cues that can help us get to know people. It is also because we don't have a shared history with people we have met just online and so it is easier to dismiss them than people whom we "know personally."
     And there is the frequent observation and yes, experience, that social networking can, as we see others post self-serving material about their accomplishments and their advantages, cause us to assume that the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence." And there are the insensitive and even unkind posts that can cause pain or break hearts. For example, if you're grieving the loss of a baby by any means, will you want to see posts or photos showing off cute little babies? And if you are unable to conceive, are you going to want to see pregnancy jokes status updates or photos of pregnant women or newborns? And if you have a brain injury, will you appreciate a slur calling a criminal "brain-damaged" to express disgust for that person? And if your child or loved one has an intellectual disability, will you appreciate the word "retard" being used even as a harmless joke? While it is great that social networks give people almost total control over who they can add, how much the other user can interact with them, who they can remove from their contacts, block or report, these features can hurt many feelings and cause ill will and even make enemies who "go off the deep end" and "snap" at the offending user.
     Yet, in spite of all this, there are good things and priceless things that the Internet and social networks have brought. While the Internet has given predators and sex offenders more tools to work with and seem to have spawned more missing people, rapes, human trafficking and even murder, much of this may actually be that there is more awareness of thse evils that have been going on for a long time but which have been surrounded by ignorance and codes of silence. If the information age and the Internet have never come about, we may still be ignorant about thse evils and to our own peril. While the Internet has given bullies and abusers more tools to work with, much of what seems to be much worsened bullying may just be more awareness about what was once called a "rite of passage" and "just a part of being a kid." And even more, with the coming of the Internet and this information age, there is much more awareness and talking about disabilities, especially invisible ones like autism, that once were shrouded in ignorance and almost total silence. Many say that children and teens today have it worse than children and teens of my generation did. As far as Internet crimes and the increase of many temptations go, I certainly agree. Our bullies did not have the Internet to work with so online bullying was not an issue, and we did not have access to many of the things that create much more peer pressures for young peope today. On the other hand, because of the ignorance and codes of silence that surrounded so many of the things that we now know much more about and talk about today, we often suffered in silence, blamed ourselves and felt alone in certain life situations. Sexual offenses were not considered crimes unless they involved violence and so if you were sexually abused or assaulted, too bad. If you were extensively bullied, it was a "rite of passage" and if it got out of hand, it was the bully victim that tended to get the blame. And if you had invisible disabilities that did not have proper diagnoses tools or interventions, you had to endure much misunderstanding, abuse, stigma, even trauma and may have been robbed of a childhood or an education. Thus, it cannot really be said that the young today have it better or worse than any other generation had it. Every generation has its own struggles and challenges and every generation has its own advantages.
     Above all, the Internet has allowed many of us to find sources of support such as so many of us have never known, as we are able to find users who share our passions and concerns. I have seen how families who face the trauma of missing people find so much support, caring and resources because of social networks and the Internet. I have seen it over and over again and I see it every time I get online and see families interact. The "world of the missing," according to "authorities" on missing persons awareness, consist of the families themselves, victims of crime (epecially if they themselves were once missing) and trained advocates such as those who hold ties with nonprofits. Related to this is how so many who call themselves survivors of crime or various forms of abuse, have often found encouragement and forums to share survival stories that were long kept secret because, in the past, people "do not talk about those things." This community is extremely close-knit and, in a way, it is sad that it takes the tragedy of a missing loved one or a common passion for them to bind people together. But what did families with missing loved ones and many victims of crime do before the Internet?
     In the same way, the Internet has been invaluable for so many people with disabilities, in awareness, support and resources.  Before this time of information, awareness and talking about issues, many disabilities, especially invisible ones, were surrounded by so much ignorance and codes of silence and much stigma. This has been especially the case for the autism community, where the proliferation of groups has enabled people to connect with each other in cyberspace. And the numerous forums and encouragement to share "disability stories" has done so much so undo stigma and increase awareness as people share stories of things that once were hushed up because "we don't talk about things like that." I have been using social networks for not much longer than two years and it has been an education; above all, it is the main reason I have, over time, been slowly finding the courage to share parts of my story that lend themselves to awareness for my petition or enhance posts for this blogspot or any of my other materials. The Internet is a priceless tool for self-expression, spreading awareness about causes we care about, sharing one's faith if you are a person of faith, and a great way to connect with people whom we cannot otherwise connect with.
     It is all in how we use the Internet and social networks; will we use them for good or for evil?
    
    

When People Re-Invent Themselves

          For many years, a woman used her experiences as a September 11 survivor to connect with other survivors. She had not only lost her fiance in the horrible bombing but she was in the blast herself and saw others die before her very eyes. She had sustained burns that landed her in a hospital. She won the trust, admiration and love of other survivors; she organized events and support groups that were geared to survivors only. When they heard her story, the others expressed amazement, exclaiming, "How can you be so positive!" and "Your story makes our problems seem so minor!" This woman's courage and story won the attention of the media and an article was written about this woman. She met the Mayor and then the President. Other survivors saw her as an indespensible, courageous, remarkable mentor and giver. What was wrong with her story? None of it happened! She had no fiance, was not in the twin towers or even in the US at the time!
          When I was new to Facebook, it was through a missing person advocate that I was introduced to the world of missing people. Before that I saw stories of a few tragic kids on talk shows. As a mom, I was utterly frustrated that missing people were not getting much-deserved attention. So I began using Facebook. This advocate was a country singer who worked with families with missing loved ones and had a fan page full of missing person posters and information. I was stirred by his devotion and passion for missing people. Many people looked to him as their hope to bring home their missing loved ones home. He began recruiting volunteers for his nonprofit. The problem with this advocate? He was not what he said he was!
          Well over a year ago, I followed a case on a popular TV talk show. During that time, the host related two shocking stories of ladies who had been attacked by having been doused with acid. Along with everyone else, I was horrified at this brutality and felt sympathy for these unfortunate women. What was the problem with the tragic story of the woman with the even more-scarred face? Another person did not put them there, as she had claimed. She had done it to herself and staged it all to look like a terrible attack on her!
          A couple of years ago, I was watching my local evening news. The TV anchor reported about an aged woman who bravely reported her brutal rape to authorities. She has major physical challenges. Along with my family, I was angry that someone was evil, cowardly and low enough to take such advantage of a helpless, powerless, aged woman, and violate her. What was wrong that we were producing so many monsters with no empathy? But I was amazed at this lady's courage. What was wrong with her tragic story and her bravery? None of it happened; she made it all up!
         Months ago, we heard the heartbreaking story of a woman who was diagnosed with cancer. She was scared, overwhelmed and badly in need of help. Her family was worried about her. Her story came to the media's attention. People, deeply moved by this desperate woman's sad story, rallied around her, surrounding her with prayers, monetary donations and other support. Mention the word cancer and people are always moved to care and to help an individual or a family living with it. What was wrong with this woman's sad plight? It was all made up! She didn't have cancer!
          A couple of years ago, I was looking at posts on my Facebook newsfeed. I was drawn in by the heart-wrenching story and poster of a mother  and her child, who had been abducted. We Facebook users who cared about missing people circulated the available information on this mother and child. Their troubling story made news headlines. Many resources were poured into the search for this mother/daughter pair. The public was deeply concerned and wanted to help; their story touched the whole US. The trouble with it? This mom had staged her abduction and taken her daughter to Disneyland!
          Many years ago, many individuals came forward to disclose their Vietnam Veteran status and were accorded much-deserved "war hero" status and the praise and acclaim that every veteran should have as proper thanks for their brave service to their country. These people received financial benefits and entitlements that were reserved for veterans. The trouble with many of these veterans? They did not exist! They had never been in Vietnam or had not not been in any combat zone! Many years ago, a popular book documented many of their stories of "stolen valor."
          Years ago, a Wall Street stockholder won the trust of many investors, who trusted all their $$$ and their life savings to him. They sensed that their assets were in good hands and they were not concerned. These invsetors rested assured that their life savings would be there when they needed that money. This person was obviously a person of good will and integrity. What was wrong with him and the outcome for his investors? Their money was all gone; their life savings had been wiped out! It went to line HIS pockets!
          In my first year as a Facebook user, I added a person who was a law enforcement officer (LEO). In the world of missing people and crime victim advocacy. LEO's are generally help in the highest esteem as they are the center of investigations and their work is seen closely; the risks LEO's take to safeguard our freedoms and their work are seen as it really is. This was only one of a number of LEO's I added. Many others in the world of missing people also added this LEO. What was the trouble with this one LEO? He had never worn "the shield"!
          Over a  couple of years ago, a girl's sad story of being brutally gang-raped was featured on a TV talk show. Four boys had done this to her. Immediately, the public was outraged at these horrible boys for this violent crime and deeply sympathetic toward this poor girl. What kind of monsters were we raisng these days? we wondered. Why are kids getting so violent? What was wrong with this girl's traumatic experience? It never happened! She made the entire story up!
         The Amber Alert program, though far from perfect, saves the lives of many abducted children who are fortunate enough to have witnesses or other evidence to their kidnaps so that they can meet the criteria for this lifesaving program. Without this program, many abductions would probably end in tragedy. What is wrong with some of these Amber Alerts, then? They are based on abductions thatr have never happened! Such Amber Alerts are frequent enough that we, the public, are sometimes urged to fact-check any Amber Alert or other missing-person alert before circulating it.
          A woman who had formerly dated a popular athlete went public with her story of his rape of her in a hotel. We sympathized with her and looked upon the athlete with suspicion. Did he do it?  I was sick and tired of these celebrity scandals and stars thinking that they were above the law! And why, would he choose to rape this woman when, as a star, he "had his pick" in women to date? The reason for that? He never raped this woman in the first place! She had made her survivor story up.
          On my page, it seemed that maybe up to about half of those in my network are survivors of various traumas in life, particularly abuse in childhood. Some seemed to be almost proud of their survivor stories. One user posted around the Christmas holidays one year something like, "Give other survivors a gift this holiday. Tell the world 'I am a survivor' on your status. Give many other survivors the courage they need to come forward with their stories! Be empowered!" I see nothing wrong with this; we need to break the code of silence that surrounds so many invisible needs. The trouble with this? One day, I saw a post by a Facebook user. He posted something like this for his status: "Please stop setting up fake survivor profiles to get our attention and our sympathy. You are wasting our time and resources."
          What do these examples all have in common? They involve people making up stories about themselves, pretending to be what they are not, sometimes even taking money or other resources, and in all cases shamefully betraying people's trust and misusing and expoiting people's compassion and good will. These are people have who re-invented themselves and their lives, driven by the urge to alter how people perceived them and related to them. They didn't like the dreary, lackluster reality of their lives. The reality wasn't good enough for them. That reality of themselves and their lives would never get them the attention, the admiration, the fame, the sympathy, or even the money or other resources that they wanted so desperately. So they decided to turn to lives of deception, manipulation and manufactured, re-invented lives and selves. They got to enjoy what they so longed for, temporarily, but as lies are, theirs ultimately caught up with them!
          There's nothing wrong with the longing for affirmation, belonging, appreciation and to make a significant difference with our lives. There is nothing wrong even with the desire to increase our assets. I have these desires and longings. We all do if we know ourselves and are in touch with our feelings. Many of these desires are good and praiseworthy if they move us to get "plugged in" and to connect with good causes or charities, things greater than and beyond ourselves. Wanting more money and things aren't necessarily bad if they motivate us to work hard for them and to improve our lives so we can contribute to society. It turns to greed when we want $$$ and things just for our own consumption and pleasure.  Wanting to be important to people is not a bad thing, as the Bible uses this desire as the basis as to a motive for the way we should live our lives. It tells us, "He who loses his life will find it" and "He who wants to be the greatest of all should be the servant of all." It's not our drives for these things that in themselves get us in trouble. It's trying to satisfy these desires in wrong, immoral ways.
          The outcome of hoax stories like this, the ones mentioned which are only examples, only generate an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust. Thanks to this sad phenomenon, we have entered the age of background checks. These background checks can be only expected to increase the more and more of these atrocities come to light. It is the information age, after all. We now live in a world where we are, in the court of public opinion, often regarded as guilty until proved innocent. Also, these who invent these hoaxes not only hurt and betray those who trust them as true and honest, but they hurt and cast suspicion on the many whose stories, unlike theirs, are true.
          We live in a culture where to be ordinary and average almost equals being worthless and desperate, troubled people see being average and ordinary as so unbearable to they have to feel the need to fake being something other than their average selves and re-invent their lives. I don't see any solution to this hoax phenomenon, but when such individuals' lies are found out, maybe seeing these people being held accountable for their actions will be a strong deterrent to many others. Maybe being true and real, however bored or unhappy we may be with our reality, is the most exciting reality of all.
         
         
         
         
       

Advocates and Causes and Social Networking

          What is an advocate? Growing up, I got the idea that an advocate was a person who spoke before legislators and lobbied them to get laws passed on behalf of those whom they were speaking for. When that word came to mind I would think of lawyers or other trained professionals with official ties to nonprofit or for-profit organizations. But in these days of the "information age" mass media and social networking, it has become clear that making a difference in this world has become much more accessible to us and that advocacy is not just for professionals or for those with the money and time to influence the powerful.
         Yes, in my younger days, years before social networking existed and before I discovered  this social networking, I would write letters to legislators on behalf of those vulnerable groups of people for whom I felt laws need to be changed for. I would occasionally circulate offline, paper petitions and participate in sporadic fundraising projects. But two years ago, I discovered social networking and especially, Facebook. And I saw something of what advocacy is. At that time, I was trying to bury my past and to "put it behind me" by trying to forget, since I could make no sense of it, there was no word for many of my experiences and no community that I could identify with concerning my experiences. In other words, no sense of belonging. So, as a way of what psychologists would call "sublimation" or using one's inner conflicts by channeling them into positive action, I got interested in following true crime cases and missing person cases as I viewed a few on television. This was a way of getting my mind off my apparently unsolvable, unexplainable problems. Plus, I knew that serious crime could very well happen to my family and me and that I wanted to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem by inactivity. Plus, I knew the Scriptural principle that "If a man does not hear the cries of others in need, he cannot expect others to hear his cries in his own time of need." At the time, I was disgusted with the media for devoting hours to celebrities while they gave only minutes to missing people. I was frustrated with them for their tendency to sensationalize the few cases they did cover. So, because of these reasons, I set up a Facebook account and began "friending" those whose profiles indicated that they were advocates for the missing, exploited and the abused, or whose profiles indicates that they had missing loved ones.
          All I can say is that entering the world of advocates through social networking has proved to be a lively education in itself. First, I learned, by trial and error, the right and wrong things to say that convey sensitivity and support for the families of missing loved ones or who had other needs, and what offended them or drove them away, making them see one as one of "the bad guys" even if I was just trying to help. I rarely had trouble with family members of the missing or murdered. The exception was a person who had a missing young person who was found deceased in a matter of months. Initially, I was on great terms with this person but this person became greatly angered with me one day with I posted on this person's page about a missing child who was also in this person's state. We exchanged messages that amounted to an online shouting match and the person's threat to have me reported and "stopped" because I was one of the "bad guys" and an "abuser" of families of the missing.
          Advocates have shown themselves to be quite a mixture in their ability to tolerate differences. Early on, I learned, the painfully hard way, that there are quite a few advocates who have chips on their shoulders and little tolerance for differences and were quick to "give you the boot" and remove me from their networks, if they disliked my beliefs, my posts or my posts on their pages about my causes. When I was still new to Facebook, I posted on the page of a person who was a respected missing person advocate, sharing the posters of two "cold case" missing children whom I hoped that this person would circulate among those in this person's own social networks. I checked this person's page a while later, hoping that I had an effect. I did, but not the effect I wanted! The posts were removed. Upset, I sent a messagge to the person, attaching the links to my message and appealing to the person to share them. The person responded but not in a friendly way, chewing me out for imposing my cases and my agenda on this person, and so forth. Again, our messages back and forth became an online shouting match that resulted in this person blocking me, apparently for good. Lesson learned? Do not engage those who disagree with you online, as people's monds are made up and online arguments are a waste of time and almost always backfire.
          I have found, in relating to advocates in my networks, that there are a number whom I count as warmly supportive and tolerant of differences and a number, like those, like the person above, who show little tolerance for differences or other beliefs or agendas. But the majority rarely, if ever, correspond with me, whether because they are "single cause" people, use social networks sporadically or for other reasons. I have found that my most awful experiences with advocates have happened when I applied for official volunteer positions with nonprofits that I learned about only online because of their online presence.
          Well over a year ago, I applied to a nonprofit that was hugely praised by many in my social networks. Craving a community to belong to and wanting to make a difference on a different level, I applied to the nonprofit, where I was asked, among other things, a disability-related question. I disclosed my epilepsy (noting that it was under control) and my Marfan's Syndrome and, in the phone interview, my undiagnosed autism spectrum condition. I was very elated and thrilled when I was told that I was accepted. I set up a new, official page for the nonprofit and its staff and volunteers "friended" me there. Almost right away, the account was hacked and those in my network received links to suspicious, "cheesy" material in my name. Soon, I grew crushed and depressed when I was abruptly told that I was "not the right fit" for the nonprofit and that I was dismissed as a volunteer. I was told that the nonprofit had issues with the dynamics of my family situation as they believed it would affect my ability to "be an asset to our organization." To make matters worse, I was told that everyone linked to this nonprofit was ordered to "unfriend" me on both my accounts. I was heartbroken to see that I was also blocked by a number of them. As this had happened during the Christmas eason, I entered into a depression that saddened my holiday. To me, this was a case of cyberbullying that was made worse by the fact that I could not prove a thing!
          A number of months ago, I applied to a second nonprofit, also one that I knew about solely from is online presence. I had corresponded with a few people who had official ties with this nonprofit and I admired their work on behalf of their chosen cause. So when they placed an online appeal for volunteers, I applied, striving for honesty and transparency in my application, though I saw the screening process as intrusive and excessive for someone who, in my case, was asking for the opportuntity to do online activites for the nonprofit. I also included a heartfelt piece that I hoped would explain my answers to the disability-related question on the application and any "red flags" that the nonprofit may find in my background. I hoped that I could receive empathy and understanding and a volunteer opportunity. After weeks of waiting, I got a curt phone call where I was told, unequivocally, that the nonprofit had no interest in my volunteer services. As this experience also happened around the holidays, I was left deeply distressed, disillusioned and turned off to the very idea of ever offering my volunteer services to another nonprofit. To this day, those in my network who have official ties to this nonprofit or who are its staunchest supporters, have stopped any form of communication with me. To this day, I remain leery of nonprofits that I learn about only online.
          It's because of my experiences with these two nonprofits that I remain a "self-directed" volunteer or advocate who works on my own, with no official ties to any nonprofit. I'm often mage aware that those who have official ties to nonprofits (and my network is full of them!) enjoy friendships, social connections, a sense of belonging and appreciation and recognition for their efforts, that you have a harder time finding without official ties to any nonprofit. But I'm not about to risk the prospect of identity theft to find these things.
          Why do advocates do what they do? From my observation, there are those advocates who get into their work because of their educational backgrounds, training and skills, who do their work professionally. Many in my social network present themselves as CEO's of nonprofits. While I admire these folks to their single-minded dedication to their chosen professions, I usually don't identify with them. Then there are the many, many advocates in my network who present themselves as "survivors" whose past traumatic experiences have compelled them into advocacy. This makes sense, as a big way of finding healing and redemption from one's past lies in using it to strive to make a difference in the lives of others. This illustrates the Scriptural principle that God allows suffering in our lives so we can comfort others who suffer. And finally, there are those in my networks who are "everyday people" who share little about themselves except that they simply want to help. They are often the best advocates who are agenda-free and are often the most likely to support me back.
          As I continued social networking and got in touch with my past, I began taking on multiple causes that I identified with, such as poverty, disabilities and injustice. I still supported the cause of missing people and crime victims but it no longer is it my exclusive focus. Many in my social network are "single cause" people who focus mainly on their own passion and whom I know I can't expect to show support for my multiple causes, unless any of these "meet with" their single passion. "One cause" advocacy is understandable in many cases, even though these are not people that I consider to be friends, as any positive experience with them is based on my support of their singular causes.
          Social networking with many "locals" in my area, including family and friends, has had a way of revealing the "true colors" of so many of them. For in the course of posting about my causes, from early on, I have seen that many of them would quietly and without dislosure, remove me from their social networks. Incredibly, these online deletions came from "church members," including a pastor's wife, youth workers and several family members and others whom I believed were my "friends"! This has taught me that Facebook and other social networks do not of themselves ruin relationships. Social networking only unmasks people who already know each other personally, or think they do.
          I have found out that there are many people who want no part of social involvement or causes, whether because they don't think they have the time, don't identify with any cause, don't think they can make a difference, or just don't care. And many "church members" tend to focus exclusively on their own relationships with god, family and their congregational life, forbgetting that Jesus tells us that we will be judged by our willingness to help the less fortunate and who combined His ministry with social involvement with all kinds of needy people.
          This has been a most interesting two years.
         
         

Bullying, Bullycide and Bully Survivors

          It is heartening that bullying is getting so much awareness and that so many resources are being poured into preventing bullying from being done to more victims, helping and supporting current victims and especially, motivating school children to, themselves, do much more to end bullying. Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems that we keep hearing about as many bullycides as ever. And it seems that even in these tragic cases, the victims were heard to say that they felt that their bullying was not taken seriously by the adults in their life. And so they felt that they had no option but to end it all. It seems that it takes bullycides such as these to revive and awaken our passion to prevent and end bullying. If bullying does not "drive" a victim to suicide, it simply is not taken seriously. This frustrates me.
          Before I continue, I cannot image the inconceivable grief (and maybe anger and guilt) of the families who have lost children to bullycides. I'm very sure that such families, especially the parents and other adults in these victims' lives, are in incredible pain. This is one more reason to do all we can to prevent and end bullying, because when it ends in bullycides, the loved ones who are left behind will experience a pain that will never end. If any family members or other have lost loved ones or friends to bullycide, my heart goes out to you. To lose a child is tragic enough but to lose a child in this way is especially heartbreaking.
          Laster year, I had written a couple of blog posts during the five-day "Bullying Awareness Week" that was held then. Since then, I have heard about a number of bullycide stories, on the average two or three a month, maybe more. Always and without fail, it seems to take such tragedies of live lost needlessly, to revive our concern and awareness about bullying. I never fail to grow sad, frustated and even angry, to see that such bullycides are needed to see bullying for the serious thing it it and that it is not a "rite of passage." I will keep harping on this whenever I discuss bullying. These bullycide victims, without exception, took their lives because they felt that their bullying was not being taken seriously! I know that this sickens most of us but still this bullying does not seem to be going away. How could these children feel so totally hopeless and despondent and alone, that they saw suicide as their only option? Was there no one that they could turn to? Or felt they could turn to? Is it because they are getting some unspoken messages from home, school and society that that life is meaningless and that if it becomes too difficult, that it is not worth it to "hang in there'? That they themselves are not worth it? Because we have become a society that no longer looks to God as our Hope and Help, and instead turn to numerous substitutes, we should not be surprised that children often get giving up is an option for them. Also, children's brains and self-concepts are still being formed and so if it is being pounded into them that they are worthless, damaged, inferior, defective, ugly, different, bad or stupid, it may take a lifetime for them to overcome these messages. I know this from experience! But children don't realize that, even if they may have to carry the scars of childhood experiences, that it can and is very often done; they can transition from victims to survivors as so many have done! No one wants to be a victim, but when one is able to "hang in there" and make the transition from victim to survivor, it is a matter of pride.
          I remain haunted by the recent case of a young boy who ended his life, allegedly because of bullying, even though his school denied that such bullying happened. After an investigation, Law Enforcement saw "no evidence" that bullying has taken place. But I wonder. Would a boy take his life for nothing? Does his tragic case indicate that even now, bullying is not being taken seriously enough, at least by some schools, adults and parents? Whatever the actual story of this boy is, the one redeeming value of bullycide victims is that they compel us all to take bullying serious enough to act to prevent and end it. But this is a source of frustration to us who also have endured bullying, vicious bullying, that has left lifelong scars but it was seen as a "rite of passage" and as a "kids will be kids" thing or as a minor inconvenience. But are the tragic stories of bullycide victims more compelling and more important than those of us who lived through vicious bullying experiences and often stemming from differences that were stressful enough in themselves? Recently, I read a nasty Facebook comment on an anti-bullying Facebook page, that was directed by one person to another who was writing about his/her bullying experiences growing up; this person was accused of "whining about the past." I have been told, "Don't share your bullying story because then people will see you as a loser." But if children do not hear such survival stoories from others who have lived through it and have emerged as survivors, how will they see that it is possible to live through their own experiences and not only survive, but go on to become a blessing to others?
          Yes, much of the bullying being done today is done to all sorts of children, not only to those who are seen as "different," "inferior," or "damaged." When I was growing up, I did not see bullying being done to my peers who were popular, talented, athletic or who "fit in" and were "cool." I experienced such bullying, however, because I was indeed seen as different. This bullying seemed even worse because the concept of the autism spectrum did not exist and so I had no explanation for why I was being singled out as "different." Adults saw me merely as a "broken" normal young person who was a "problem child," and has a "nervous" or "emotional" problem. And so I spent my school years in and out, but mostly in, special classes and special schools and a couple of residential settings. However, my peers did not need an official diagnosis to single me out for bullying because they identified me as "different." When I went to middle school, the bullying that was done to me was bad enough to get me placed in special education for the rest of my school years; since no resources existed then for bully victims, no one knew how to handle my bullying and so I had to go to special education, which back then, was more stigmatizing and disempowering than anything.
          Today, much bullying is done not just becaue of intolerance but because children are jealous of each other. Therefore, children who would not have been bullied during my growing-up years, are vulnerable to bullying today, including those who are talented, popular, athletic or attractive. Yes, children are still bullied for being different, as is proved by the media coverage of those who are bullied because of homosexuality. Whatever our view of homesexuality, we should condemn bullying or abuse done to people because of sexual orientation, as we should do when bullying or abuse is done for any other difference. People who show or endorse hatred for homosexuals, are dragging God's Name and the reputation of His true followers, through the mud. They are totally missing or misunderstanding God's love and His grace as His message that ALL of us are sinners--heterosexual or homosexual. Bullying or abuse to anyone, online or in-person, is also a sin!
          And we should not see bullying as just a "kid thing" or a "school problem," either. For bullying is also done in the home and in the workplace, and cyberbullying is experienced not just by children but by adults, too. In the case of adults, it is just called by a different name--harassment. But it is the same thing. The only difference between bullying and abuse is that abuse is done by those in power but bullying is done by peers; therefore, bullying is often not taken seriously. But in the case of abuse and bullying, it seems that it takes death, whether by murder or suicide, for either to be taken seriously. It seems that it takes tragedy to compel us to take any issue seriously. Rape was never taken seriously until rapists were exposed as murdering their victims and were not content with "just raping" them and letting them live! Domestic violence was also not taken seriously until we heard about parents, spouses and partners killing their victims. Maybe ours is just an age of awareness and resources are compared to when I was growing up. As much as we deplore how bullying and other crimes have entered the digital age, it is because of these same computers and other technology that we have so many more resources and so much more awareness. It is a mixed blessing.
          One good thing about all of this is this: We talk about it and talk should lead to action. Below I will provide links to resources that empower us to help prevent and end bullying as well as sites for those who carry scars from bullying from the past.

http://www.stopbullying.gov/
  This is the official government-sponsored website that provides a wealth of information and guidance about how to prevent and end bullying.

http://www.stompoutbullying.org/
This website is for a nonprofit that provides comprehensive services, including  a hotline, for bully victims. The website is interactive and seeks to involve young people in the fight against bullying, as they are the ones who ultimately hold the key to preventing and ending bullying. As I survey this site and read about its services, I always think, I could have used this as I was growing up!

http://peerabuse.net
This is one website that provides support and a forum for those who, as adults, carry the scars from past bullying. It is for anyone who has lived through bullying. I encourage you to check it out and share it.

http://bullyinglte.wordpress.com/
This website is a forum for anyone who wants to share their bullying stories; there are many stories on this site.