THE SHOT CALLER, by Casey Diaz with MIke Yorkey

This is a memoir about one man's experience and his ultimate redemption. Nicky Cruz writes the Forward for this book. Casey, the author, writes a short note. Casey spreads his actual content throughout 16 chapters. Casey includes a section which lists Bible verses that speak to him personally. He follows this with Acknowledgements. This is followed by bios of Casey and Mike Yorkey, his "ghost writer." Finally, Casey ends all this with an invitation to have him speak at events, and information about how to book him at these events. Casey Diaz was born in El Salvador and is the son of immigrant parents. He is a former gang member. Now he owns his own company and teaches at his local church. He shares his story all over the United States. Mike Yorkey is a the author, co-author, editor, or collaborator of one hundred books.

We are dealing with the issue of immigration. This book brings that issue to mind for me, though the trust of this book is not on any issue but on the author's life experience. I found the book exciting, inspiring and challenging. I felt badly about the author's childhood experiences, his lack of a father figure and the hellish abuse he and his other experienced. The author, a son of immigrants, is a former leader of a stereotyped MS-13 gang. I was happy for the author, as he experience a miraculous conversion to Christ in prison. Following that, his Christian life reads like the modern book of Acts. I find myself wishing that God would reveal Himself like this to more people. But I know better. While the author was able to lead multiple gang members to Christ, it seems that his father never came to know Christ. Sadly, the author is unclear if either his mom or dad came to know Jesus. And it's also unclear if the author came to experience a close relationship with his mother, let alone his father. Sadly, though the author may not intend it to do so, this book plays into the "far right" narrative that immigrants are typically violent thugs.

I recommend this book for any prison inmate. It should be in every prison library. Though racism is not the focus of this book, I recommend this book for all pastors, church leaders, and Christians who want to confront the issue of racism and the church.

I received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review of this book. I was not required to give this book a positive review.

Practical Ways to Prevent & End Child Abuse Today

Child abuse. That awful word. That awful reality.

There have been far too many heart-wrenching cases of missing children in which child abuse has been suspected or confirmed to help explain their disappearances. High-profile cases include baby Gabriel Johnson, Haleigh Cummings, Hassani Campbell  and Kyron Hormon, just to name a few. And each of them is still missing! No doubt, there are countless other such children, whether they are still missing, have been found alive or sadly, dead. Currently, there are two missing babies, Baby Elaina and Levon Wameling, who both have been found dead, probably because of abuse-related murder. Abuse or neglect have been suspected in their cases from the start, and they are just two examples! There are many child abuse deaths of unfortunate children who are simply killed without going through being missing. A few of them have been well-known. But for every case of these, there are far more very similar cases. It is estimated that three children, each day, die as a result of child abuse. This child abuse, along with abuse of people of all ages, is getting no better but seems to be getting worse. This is despite many movements to stop child abuse and massive yearly awareness events. Somehow, despite all that is being done to raise awareness, there seems to not be enough being done at the practical, grassroots level where the difference is to be made. Therefore, this post that I have done in the past, seems to be as relevant and needed as ever. These are practical suggestions for how to help end child abuse.

1). Screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your children, especially if you need them to do this on a regular basis or they will be doing this from your home. Sadly, people are so often not what they seem to be or claim to be. Interview your candidates. If you can afford it, run background checks on these candidates. Ask them for references and call each one, paying attention to what they say and how they say it.

2). Little things can mean a lot. If you are standing in line in anywhere and you see a mom or dad with young children behind you, allow them to go ahead of you. If you see a family with young children driving behind you, grant them the right-of-way.

3) Try to always put your child's name on the inside, not outside, of all clothing and possessions, to protect their privacy and to guard them from nosy predators. It's sad that this must be done but since those nosy predators can be hard to identify, we can never be too careful.

4). If you have very young children or children with special needs who may wander, install locks on screen doors, front and back. Yes, this may sound confining but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

5). If you have children who use the Internet, especially if they use social networking sites (SNS), monitor what they do online. Yes, they probably will resent it but, in time, they will come to appreciate it. Do not let underage children (under age 13) set up SNS accounts on Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other SNS. If you can, encourage them to hold off using SNS until they reach age 18! And if they use SNS, set up their computers in an area where they can be easily supervised. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace.

6). You are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your child. But bear in mind that you never know where the eyes of predators are lurking, looking for easy prey to exploit and victimize. So refrain from putting up bumper stickers that proclaim, "My Child Is An Honor Student" or "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout" or anything else that can identify your child to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk and becoming overwhelmed and so are most easily tempted to take out their frustrations out on their children or neglect them; this includes relying on them for companionship or expecting too much from them.

8). It's normal for your beautiful children to be the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget that predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos and videos of your children on the Internet, including SNS. And I strongly discourage using their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on SNS, online predators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse. They need to know how to protect themselves from being victimized as we cannot always be around to protect them. We need to let them know that they are to ignore any orders to "keep secrets." Silence empowers predators which is the LAST thing anyone wants.

10). Do not discipline a child in anger. Cool down before taking action. So much abuse, including that which results in death to children, comes from tempers out of control.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to serve as a voice in the system for abused and neglected children. If interested, visit the national CASA website at: Court Appointed Special Advocates for Abused & Neglected Children (CASA).

12).If you are expecting or pursuing adoption, ensure that you have a solid support system in place. My heart goes out to those of you who have no extended family nearby; in that case try to find giving, helpful people who will support you. This holds true especially if you are a single parent, have a disability or other life challenges. The support will reduce the stress of parenting and lesson the temptation to abuse or neglect your children (ren).

13). Appeal to legislators to release more funds to anger management classes and parenting classes in public schools at the high school level, in place of all the higher match that is required of students. After all, what skills will students need to succeed at parenting and relationships, algebraic skills or people skills?

14). Try to never allow any child 17 or under, walk alone anywhere for any reason, even when it may be more convenient. We have far too often heard of the terrible things that happen to children who are left unattended!

15). If you are new and especially a young parent who is petrified of your new parenting responsibility, you do have options other than doing something desperate that you'll never forgive yourself for. You can leave your family with a responsible adult or take your baby to a church, a hospital or to any local police station. They may track you and hold you accountable, but there are many childless couples who will be overjoyed to take your baby!

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child so victimized won't realize what's been done to him or her until it's time to apply for a job, an apartment, a loan, or for a host of other goods and services that most take for granted. Don't give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate to anyone unless they NEED to know to help your child. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse.

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). Children with autism or other behavioral issues are the most abused children of all, according to research and my experience. This is because frustrated and overwhelmed (and maybe uninformed) parents and other caregivers lash out in frustration by verbal, emotional and even physical or sexual abuse. Children with special needs are even more vulnerable than typical children. If you are the parent or caregiver of a child with special needs, seek resources in your area where you can get referrals to those who can grant you respite care and guidance.

19). If you have emotional baggage from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to find a trusted person (s) to work though your issues with, whether a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor or other person. In this way, you will be breaking a cycle that can pass from one generation to another. We do not have to remain products of our upbringings. In this way, by empowering yourself, you will be free to meet your child (ren's) needs.

20). If you grown overwhelmed as a parent, get help. So many cases of abuse, especially child abuse, deaths have happened because frustrated parents or caregivers have resorted to abuse spinning out of control and killing children. Hard as it is, tell yourself to walk away, take deep breaths or pray. And DO call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-44530 or 9-1-1, and find alternatives to abuse.

21). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets you up to neglect or abuse your children. Of course, you still love them as much as ever, but your body "needs" to "feed" your addiction even more. You will stoop to anything to sustain your addiction and are powerless to conquer it on your own. To save your family, get help!

22). Men, take responsibility for the children whom you father, even if you are not married to their mother! It is so unfair to get females pregnant and then desert them, leaving them alone to raise your children. Such moms are at-risk because of their stresses, of abusing and neglecting your children. Anf if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, do not be silent. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). Parents, raise your children to manage their anger, teach and model empathy and resolve their conflicts with words, not fists. Set the example, hard as this may be to do at times.

25). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but appeals to the government may be the first step, so that the system will attract competent, dedicated people who are adequately paid for their work and where corrupt judges will be removed from office. This will enable the appointments of competent judges of compassion and integrity.

26).Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about preventing or ending child abuse we need to address other forms of abuse. In situations where spouses are being abused, will child removal fix the problem? According to many courts, it is! But how about looking for ways to help abused spouses leave with their children, rather than remove the children and further victimize both the children and the non-abusive partners. There are safe-houses, of course, but they are often underfunded, space is limited and there are time limits to staying before the abused parents is again on her own with the children. Instead of asking, "Why doesn't she just leave him?" as seems to be the instinctive things to ask in such situations, the focus should be on trying to keep the non-abusing parent and the child (ren) together and avoid further abuse from the system which is known as parental alienation and itself child abuse.

27). Human trafficking isn't something that is "out there." Like it or not, it is happening, from coast to coast, even in the US and to children in stable, loving homes as it happens to those from bad homes. What happens is that children, around the age of 12, may run away from home or get caught up in other situations where someone approaches them and tell them that they will find a "better life" if they go to "work" for a "new family." Lured and then sold, they find themselves trapped and are made to do unimaginable things; there are many who never survive or escape. You can educate yourself at the website for Not for Sale, a nonprofit that fights human trafficking. Visit:
Not For Sale.
And if you even suspect that you see a person who may be a human trafficking victim, you can contact Truckers Against Trafficking at: 1-888-373-7888.

28). If you are in the position to do so, adopt a child. You may be rescuing a child (ren) from an abusive home, even saving their live (s).

29). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies; do as much "due diligence" as you can on them. You will be sorry to pour so much into raising a child (ren), only to see them ruin themselves in bad marriages!

30). Bullying should always be discussed when we talk about preventing and ending child abuse. Just because the abuse is done peer-to-peer does not make this form of abuse any less and the scars of those who survive this abuse are much the same as the scars of those who survive any other form of abuse. No matter what form abuse takes or who it is done by, abuse hurts. Parents, teach and model empathy, kindness and compassion. The rest of us should practice these qualities and not tolerate any peer abuse that we witness, whether in person or online.

31). If you are single and in a relationship, do not be afraid to research this person and if you can afford it, do a background check on them. That way, if you find any kind of abuse or violence in their background, you know to not pursue a relationship with the person. So many cases of abuse, including child abuse, could have been prevented if this had been done by adults who did not make the effort to research the backgrounds of their partners or spouses. Learn from the mistakes of so many whose stories have been made painfully public and do your homework when you consider entering a relationship.

This is no complete list but you get the concept. Abuse can be prevented. It is up to us to prevent it. We don't have to organize, spend money, raise money, form committees and create huge events to make a difference. We can make a difference right where we are. These things that I have mentioned are simple (not easy) everyday things that all of us can do that make the world a better place. There is an established anti-child abuse nonprofit that is an outlet for ways to make a difference.

This nonprofit is called Childhelp. Their website is comprehensive and offers many ways to get involved. They offer the 24/7 hotline that I have mentioned twice in this post, material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunities, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse and even a forum for survivor stories. And if you feel so inclined, you can donate. You can visit Childhelp's website: ChildHelp.

The epidemic of child abuse is so horrific that our awareness efforts can never be enough to address it. This is 365 days a year, 24/7.

Child abuse is the business of each us of. We need to mind our own business.

Practical Ways To Prevent and End Child Abuse

There have been far too many heart-wrenching cases of missing children in which child abuse has been suspected or confirmed to help explain their disappearances. High-profile cases include baby Gabriel Johnson, Haleigh Cummings, Hassani Campbell  and Kyron Hormon, just to name a few. And each of them is still missing! No doubt, there are countless other such children, whether they are still missing, have been found alive or sadly, dead. Currently, there are two missing babies, Baby Elaina and Levon Wameling, who are both presumed dead as unidentified human remains have been found in their cases. Abuse or neglect have been suspected in their cases. There are many child abuse deaths of unfortunate children who are simply killed without going through being missing. A few of them have been well-known. But for every case of these, there are far more very similar cases. It is estimated that three children, each day, die as a result of child abuse. This child abuse, along with abuse of people of all ages, is getting no better but seems to be getting worse. This is despite many movements to stop child abuse and massive yearly awareness events. Somehow, despite all that is being done to raise awareness, there seems to not be enough being done at the practical, grassroots level where the difference is to be made. Therefore, this post that I have done in the past, seems to be as relevant and needed as ever. These are practical suggestions for how to help end child abuse.

1). Screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your children, especially if you need them to do this on a regular basis or they will be doing this from your home. Sadly, people are so often not what they seem to be or claim to be. Interview your candidates. If you can afford it, run background checks on these candidates. Ask them for references and call each one, paying attention to what they say and how they say it.

2). Little things can mean a lot. If you are standing in line in anywhere and you see a mom or dad with young children behind you, allow them to go ahead of you. If you see a family with young children driving behind you, grant them the right-of-way.

3) Try to always put your child's name on the inside, not outside, of all clothing and possessions, to protect their privacy and to guard them from nosy predators. It's sad that this must be done but since those nosy predators can be hard to identify, we can never be too careful.

4). If you have very young children or children with special needs who may wander, install locks on screen doors, front and back. Yes, this may sound confining but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

5). If you have children who use the Internet, especially if they use social networking sites (SNS), monitor what they do online. Yes, they probably will resent it but, in time, they will come to appreciate it. Do not let underage children (under age 13) set up SNS accounts on Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other SNS. If you can, encourage them to hold off using SNS until they reach age 18! And if they use SNS, set up their computers in an area where they can be easily supervised. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace.

6). You are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your child. But bear in mind that you never know where the eyes of predators are lurking, looking for easy prey to exploit and victimize. So refrain from putting up bumper stickers that proclaim, "My Child Is An Honor Student" or "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout" or anything else that can identify your child to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk and becoming overwhelmed and so are most easily tempted to take out their frustrations out on their children or neglect them; this includes relying on them for companionship or expecting too much from them.

8). It's normal for your beautiful children to be the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget that predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos and videos of your children on the Internet, including SNS. And I strongly discourage using their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on SNS, online predators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse. They need to know how to protect themselves from being victimized as we cannot always be around to protect them. We need to let them know that they are to ignore any orders to "keep secrets." Silence empowers predators which is the LAST thing anyone wants.

10). Do not discipline a child in anger. Cool down before taking action. So much abuse, including that which results in death to children, comes from tempers out of control.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to serve as a voice in the system for abused and neglected children. If interested, visit the national CASA website at: Court Appointed Special Advocates for Abused & Neglected Children (CASA).

12).If you are expecting or pursuing adoption, ensure that you have a solid support system in place. My heart goes out to those of you who have no extended family nearby; in that case try to find giving, helpful people who will support you. This holds true especially if you are a single parent, have a disability or other life challenges. The support will reduce the stress of parenting and lesson the temptation to abuse or neglect your children (ren).

13). Appeal to legislators to release more funds to anger management classes and parenting classes in public schools at the high school level, in place of all the higher match that is required of students. After all, what skills will students need to succeed at parenting and relationships, algebraic skills or people skills?

14). Try to never allow any child 17 or under, walk alone anywhere for any reason, even when it may be more convenient. We have far too often heard of the terrible things that happen to children who are left unattended!

15). If you are new and especially a young parent who is petrified of your new parenting responsibility, you do have options other than doing something desperate that you'll never forgive yourself for. You can leave your family with a responsible adult or take your baby to a church, a hospital or to any local police station. They may track you and hold you accountable, but there are many childless couples who will be overjoyed to take your baby!

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child so victimized won't realize what's been done to him or her until it's time to apply for a job, an apartment, a loan, or for a host of other goods and services that most take for granted. Don't give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate to anyone unless they NEED to know to help your child. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse.

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). Children with autism or other behavioral issues are the most abused children of all, according to research and my experience. This is because frustrated and overwhelmed (and maybe uninformed) parents and other caregivers lash out in frustration by verbal, emotional and even physical or sexual abuse. Children with special needs are even more vulnerable than typical children. If you are the parent or caregiver of a child with special needs, seek resources in your area where you can get referrals to those who can grant you respite care and guidance.

19). If you have emotional baggage from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to find a trusted person (s) to work though your issues with, whether a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor or other person. In this way, you will be breaking a cycle that can pass from one generation to another. We do not have to remain products of our upbringings. In this way, by empowering yourself, you will be free to meet your child (ren's) needs.

20). If you grown overwhelmed as a parent, get help. So many cases of abuse, especially child abuse, deaths have happened because frustrated parents or caregivers have resorted to abuse spinning out of control and killing children. Hard as it is, tell yourself to walk away, take deep breaths or pray. And DO call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-44530 or 9-1-1, and find alternatives to abuse.

21). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets you up to neglect or abuse your children. Of course, you still love them as much as ever, but your body "needs" to "feed" your addiction even more. You will stoop to anything to sustain your addiction and are powerless to conquer it on your own. To save your family, get help!

22). Men, take responsibility for the children whom you father, even if you are not married to their mother! It is so unfair to get females pregnant and then desert them, leaving them alone to raise your children. Such moms are at-risk because of their stresses, of abusing and neglecting your children. Anf if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, do not be silent. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). Parents, raise your children to manage their anger, teach and model empathy and resolve their conflicts with words, not fists. Set the example, hard as this may be to do at times.

25). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but appeals to the government may be the first step, so that the system will attract competent, dedicated people who are adequately paid for their work and where corrupt judges will be removed from office. This will enable the appointments of competent judges of compassion and integrity.

26).Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about preventing or ending child abuse we need to address other forms of abuse. In situations where spouses are being abused, will child removal fix the problem? According to many courts, it is! But how about looking for ways to help abused spouses leave with their children, rather than remove the children and further victimize both the children and the non-abusive partners. There are safe-houses, of course, but they are often underfunded, space is limited and there are time limits to staying before the abused parents is again on her own with the children. Instead of asking, "Why doesn't she just leave him?" as seems to be the instinctive things to ask in such situations, the focus should be on trying to keep the non-abusing parent and the child (ren) together and avoid further abuse from the system which is known as parental alienation and itself child abuse.

27). Human trafficking isn't something that is "out there." Like it or not, it is happening, from coast to coast, even in the US and to children in stable, loving homes as it happens to those from bad homes. What happens is that children, around the age of 12, may run away from home or get caught up in other situations where someone approaches them and tell them that they will find a "better life" if they go to "work" for a "new family." Lured and then sold, they find themselves trapped and are made to do unimaginable things; there are many who never survive or escape. You can educate yourself at the website for Not for Sale, a nonprofit that fights human trafficking. Visit:
Not For Sale.
And if you even suspect that you see a person who may be a human trafficking victim, you can contact Truckers Against Trafficking at: 1-888-373-7888.

28). If you are in the position to do so, adopt a child. You may be rescuing a child (ren) from an abusive home, even saving their live (s).

29). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies; do as much "due diligence" as you can on them. You will be sorry to pour so much into raising a child (ren), only to see them ruin themselves in bad marriages!

30). Bullying should always be discussed when we talk about preventing and ending child abuse. Just because the abuse is done peer-to-peer does not make this form of abuse any less and the scars of those who survive this abuse are much the same as the scars of those who survive any other form of abuse. No matter what form abuse takes or who it is done by, abuse hurts. Parents, teach and model empathy, kindness and compassion. The rest of us should practice these qualities and not tolerate any peer abuse that we witness, whether in person or online.

31). If you are single and in a relationship, do not be afraid to research this person and if you can afford it, do a background check on them. That way, if you find any kind of abuse or violence in their background, you know to not pursue a relationship with the person. So many cases of abuse, including child abuse, could have been prevented if this had been done by adults who did not make the effort to research the backgrounds of their partners or spouses. Learn from the mistakes of so many whose stories have been made painfully public and do your homework when you consider entering a relationship.

This is no complete list but you get the concept. Abuse can be prevented. It is up to us to prevent it. We don't have to organize, spend money, raise money, form committees and create huge events to make a difference. We can make a difference right where we are. These things that I have mentioned are simple (not easy) everyday things that all of us can do that make the world a better place. There is an established anti-child abuse nonprofit that is an outlet for ways to make a difference, Childhelp.
Their website for this nonprofit is comprehensive and offers many ways to get involved. They offer the 24/7 hotline that I have mentioned twice in this post, material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunities, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse and even a forum for survivor stories. And if you feel so inclined, you can donate. You can visit Childhelp's website: ChildHelp.

The epidemic of child abuse is so horrific that our awareness efforts can never be enough to address it. This is 365 days a year, 24/7.

Child abuse is the business of each us of. We need to mind our own business.

Victims and Responsibility

Recent or current court cases have contributed to the debate over what we mean by what it is to be a victim and how responsible individuals or for their actions. In the recent George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin case, the US and indeed and no doubt much of the developed world, has been divided over who the victim was in this case. The supporters or George Zimmerman have concluded that he was the victim, basing their views on the idea that Trayvon appeared "out of the blue" to brutally attack Zimmerman and for no reason at all. The supporters of Trayvon Martin base their views on the idea that Martin was followed, racially profiled and shot because of his skin color. The jurors in that case agreed with Zimmerman that he was the "real victim" of the unprovoked attack of a "thug" and "gang happy," troubled boy who "had it coming to him." This six-women jury's verdict still divides us because so many of us disagree with their conclusion over who the actual victim was in that case. Prior to that, both the public and a 12 person jury, overwhelmingly concluded that Travis Alexander was an undisputed and absolute victim, despite his now-convicted murderer's futile efforts to convince the jury that she was the victim and so not "so responsible" for her crime. Thus the Jodie Arias verdict is far less divisive than the George Zimmerman verdict was.

I read and, more recently, re-read a book on the case of the tragic double murder of homeschool parents, DESIRE TURNED DEADLY, because an 18 year old boy was livid over a confrontation with the parents of his 14 year old girlfriend. Kara's parents, devout Christian parents, were angry when they learned of their underage daughter's romantic relationship, calling for a confrontation with David. As a result, David shot both parents to "have them eliminated" and Kara entered his car with him, and an Amber Alert was issued as it was unclear if she was a victim, a "hostage" or not. When they were found, it was believed that she "may not be a victim after all, and 14 year old Kara was herself investigated. While Kara was totally cleared because of how laws were written in the state of that case, it shows that we all agree that being victims reduces (and often totally eliminates) our responsibility for our actions and at least in the eyes of the law. In an older case (which I'm not familiar with but have only heard of) a 19 year old boy was infatuated with a 14 year old girl and murdered a couple members of her family. She took off with him and he went on to kill more people. Like her older lover, she was sent to prison for many year until she was paroled. Cases like these, as well as others, illustrate how the degree that one is considered responsible for one's actions as to one's possible involvement in the wrongdoing of others. That is, in they eyes of the law. In the eyes of God, according to Scripture, regardless of how much of a victim we may be, we are ultimately responsible for our actions.

Today, it is very fashionable and "in" to claim to be a victim or a survivor of some adversity or another. In fact, this practice has been in vogue for decades, for quite a few years ago, I had read a book called A NATION OF VICTIMS. The author made valid points though I felt quite unsettled by much of what he asserted, and I'm sure that many, maybe most, who have read that book would be similarly affected. Indeed, we should take to heart the fact that these terms have been widely abused by many of us to duck responsibility for our actions, to gain sympathy or attention, and/or to reduce or even eliminate expectations of us or consequences for our misdeeds. It is also politically correct to never blame a personal called a victim, for anything done when victimized. "Playing the victim" is a derogatory and accusatory remark directed at anyone who is seen as "whining" about his or her "lot in life" or "bad luck."

In the recent, highly publicized court case, we who have been even casually following it have noted how the defendant, Jodie Arias, has been claiming to be a victim/survivor of both child abuse and of intimate partner violence. Her claims have been exposed as false by prosecution character witnesses, by the prosecution expert psychologist and by two siblings of Travis, the murder victim. In the penalty phase of the trial (resulting in a mistrial for that phase), in profoundly moving, powerful victim impact statements, Steven and Samantha Alexander paid tributes to their murdered brother, what he meant to them and how his terrible loss has devastated every area of their lives and the glue of their family life. In this case, the defendant, Jodie, has been claiming abuse, as a child and as an adult, to avoid responsibility for her actions and their consequences via gaining sympathy from the jury who had not bought her story. We know this from their "Guilty of First-Degree Murder" and "Unusual Cruelty: Proven" verdicts in the guilt and aggravation phases of this trial. In short, Travis was a total victim and Arias's trial verdict proves that most of us agree that she is totally responsible for her actions.

This causes me to ponder and address the issue of autism and how this abuse of the words "victim" and survivor" have created a backlash against those in the autism community and against many in the larger disability community. Let me illustrate. The accusation is often made that many in the autism community use the autism diagnosis to evade personal responsibility. This accusation is made, often, of parents who seek (and get) the autism diagnosis for their children. "You just want people to feel sorry for your child," "You want sympathy for yourself," "You are looking for excuses for your poor parenting," and even, "You are looking for an autism diagnosis to get government benefits for your child." This same accusations is often made of adults who seen an autism diagnosis later in life. It is for this reason, among others, that there is still controversy about neurological conditions with behavioral symptoms, like Autism Spectrum Disorders and Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and other such conditions. Parents are sometimes accused of using their children's diagnoses as "chemical babysitters" or as "substitutes for good parenting" when medications or therapies are used as treatment options. I know people, including doctors, who believe that Asperger's Syndrome/High-Functioning Autism don't exist and are "pop psychology fads."

There is also the practice of inducing false memories of child molestation, which is extremely scarring, with psychological effects which stay with its survivors for life. There have been cases of parents who have lost children to false allegations (whether of false memories or other things) to false accusations of child molestation. Workers with child contact have also lost their jobs for the same reasons. We all have read of numerous women who have brought forth false rape accusations against men. Many years ago, I read a book by a woman, called FORGIVE ME, who did just this; as a result of her Christian conversion years later; she recanted her story to free the innocent man who was sentenced for a rape he never committed.  As I remember, she had reported having survived a horrible childhood. Any of us who even casually follow the news, hear of false rape accusations. Why are such accusations made? It is no doubt because the false accusers want sympathy and attention, as our society sympathizes with victims of rape, whether in childhood or as adults. Often these sort of people are trying to deal with unmet needs (often horrible childhoods themselves) in inappropriate or downright wrong ways.

We all are aware of how many, many scams are brought about by playing on our compassion and generosity, whether you are talking about people falsely claiming to be cancer victims to raise money for themselves or are talking about numerous scams exploiting community tragedies to profit off misfortune. Many years ago, a woman claimed to be a 911 survivor, actually became a leader among 911 actual survivors, and raised money for this community and attracted much sympathy and accolades for her supposed "courage" and "strength" for all the "horrors she had survived." This was until one person was observant enough to see that this lady's story did not "add up" and after checking into matters this lady was exposed as a fraud. In recent years I have known of a number of women who had claimed to be cancer victims and had garnered much public sympathy and donations. Many people falsely claim to be victims, whether of natural causes like cancer, or of unnatural causes like rape--all to get attention, sympathy, even money.

Yet this very frequent practice of falsely claiming abuse, whether to get money, attention, sympathy, or to evade society's expectations or consequences, backfires. It causes a backlash against genuine victims and survivors of traumas. Those who are truly victims, whether of any form of abuse in childhood or adulthood, become more and more hesitant to share their stories and to make police reports. This is because they do not want to become re-victimized through not being taken seriously or believed or blamed for their victimization. This practice of false victimization has spawned a recent petition to create legislation calling for criminal background checks on all those who come forward about abuse. And then think of the devastating effect false abuse allegations have on those whom they are made against, destroying reputations and putting innocent people in jail, prison, and even on Death Row. While we are rightly admonished by child advocates to report even suspected child abuse, we are wise to ensure that we are able to back up our reported suspicions with a statement, an action, an incident, that is a basis for our suspicions.

True and actual victimhood does not diminish our responsibility though it lessens it and makes our actions more explainable. We so often see this in countless people who have survived childhood or adult adversity and have emerged to become positive, strong, caring, even successful. I have heard it said, several times, that "Prosperity is a more severe test of character than poverty (or adversity) is." The Scriptures, over and over, from cover to cover, tell us that spiritual growth comes through suffering. We know this because of how so many recent tragedies have brought whole communities together, whether weather disaster, shootings, bombings or other tragedies. The one perfect Person Who lived, Jesus, also suffered more than any other human during all the events leading up to His trials and His death in what is known as "Holy Week." Throughout that time alone, Jesus suffered the betrayal of a very close friend, eventual desertion by all His friends, false accusations, mockery, injustice, and every form of abuse in its most severe form. He suffered extreme physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. This all means that we do not have to be prisoners of out pasts and also, that we cannot use even actual abuse to excuse our misdeeds. This holds true whether we are talking about medical conditions where we have reduced control over our behavior, like Autism, or life events, like abuse or illness. Photo courtesy of PicDrome.org. "Rain Drops on Glass"

Practical Ways To End and Prevent Child Abuse

It is, as of this writing, near the end of the school year, which brings increased awareness of child safety and child abuse. But these remain issues 365 days of the year and 24/7. While, statistically it is noted that 80 percent  of all child abusers are parents, many crimes against children are done by others. And if we include bullying, which is peer abuse, under this umbrella, this means the need to combat abuse and crimes against children, even when peer-to-peer, is that much greater. Actually, we know that this is a year-round issue. So many of us are raised to "mind your own business," which means to refrain from getting involved in problems that are not our own. Now, it may seem like "meddling" to make phone calls to law enforcement (LE) or to a child abuse or human trafficking hotline. But to a helpless and victimized child, our involvement would change the world for him or her and may be the only way out of their nightmares. So, child abuse IS everyone's business.

Child abuse and crimes against children trouble, sadden and anger any decent person. And yet, there is no sign that these crimes or abuse of children are decreasing, but may be getting worse. That is in spite of all the time, money and resources that are constantly being poured into awareness efforts to prevent and end child abuse. There are countless businesses, nonprofits and individuals, whether high-profile or everyday people, who have dedicated their lives to raising awareness among the public, to prevent and end all forms of abuse and crime, especially against children. Yet, unless I'm missing something, I don't see that all this reducing child abuse. Three children a day are said to die from abuse; this doesn't count child or teen suicides that stem from dpression because of abuse. And if we include peer abuse in child abuse, we know the need is even greater. Already, according to one Facebook post, four children have already ended their lives, since school has begun this year, over peer abuse. We need to re-define what minding our own business means. Lives depend on it!

The list of ways to prevent and end child abuse and crimes against children is not complete. I'm sure that anyone can read this list and be able to add to or amplify each item, depending on your experience or education as survivors or advocates. Abuse is not only physical, either. All abuse, no matter what form it comes in, are based on emotional abuse and psychological control. These also can stand alone and be directed against anyone of any age. Forms of abuse include physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse and cyber abuse.

1). Screen anyone whom you allow to babysit your children, especially if you need them to do this on a regular basis or they will be doing this from your home. Sadly, people are so often not what they seem to be or claim to be. Interview your candidates. If you can afford it, run background checks on these candidates. Ask them for references and call each one, paying attention to what they say and how they say it.

2). Little things can mean a lot. If you are standing in line in anywhere and you see a mom or dad with young children behind you, allow them to go ahead of you. If you see a family with young children driving behind you, grant them the right-of-way.

3) Try to always put your child's name on the inside, not outside, of all clothing and possessions, to protect their privacy and to guard them from nosy predators. It's sad that this must be done but since those nosy predators can be hard to identify, we can never be too careful.

4). If you have very young children or children with special needs who may wander, install locks on screen doors, front and back. Yes, this may sound confining but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

5). If you have children who use the Internet, especially if they use social networking sites (SNS), monitor what they do online. Yes, they probably will resent it but, in time, they will come to appreciate it. Do not let underage children (under age 13) set up SNS accounts on Facebook, You Tube, My Space or other SNS. If you can, encourage them to hold off using SNS until they reach age 18! And if they use SNS, set up their computers in an area where they can be easily supervised. There is too much drama and too many harmful people in cyberspace.

6). You are justly proud of your child's accomplishments and you want to "show off" your child. But bear in mind that you never know where the eyes of predators are lurking, looking for easy prey to exploit and victimize. So refrain from putting up bumper stickers that proclaim, "My Child Is An Honor Student" or "The Proud Parent of An Eagle Scout" or anything else that can identify your child to predators.

7). Befriend a single mother, especially if she is poor or without a strong support system. Single mothers, with all their stresses, are at-risk and becoming overwhelmed and so are most easily tempted to take out their frustrations out on their children or neglect them; this includes relying on them for companionship or expecting too much from them.

8). It's normal for your beautiful children to be the apples of your eye. But if you use social networks, never forget that predators lurk unseen in cyberspace. Therefore, minimize uploading photos and videos of your children on the Internet, including SNS. And I strongly discourage using their names if you enjoy putting up family photos and never their full birthdates. Among all the good folks on SNS, online pradators lurk and we have few ways to identify them.

9). We need to overcome our inhibitions and talk to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse. They need to know how to protect themselves from being victimized as we cannot always be around to protect them. We need to let them know that they are to ignore any orders to "keep secrets." Silence empowers predators which is the LAST thing anyone wants.

10). Do not discipline a child in anger. Cool down before taking action. So much abuse, including that which results in death to children, comes from tempers out of control.

11). If it is for you, volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to serve as a voice in the system for abused and neglected children. If interested, visit the national CASA website at: Court Appointed Special Advocates for Abused & Neglected Children (CASA).

12).If you are expecting or pursuing adoption, ensure that you have a solid support system in place. My heart goes out to those of you who have no extended family nearby; in that case try to find giving, helpful people who will support you. This holds true especially if you are a single parent, have a disability or other life challenges. The support will reduce the stress of parenting and lesson the temptation to abuse or neglect your children (ren).

13). Appeal to legislators to release more funds to anger management classes and parenting classes in public schools at the high school level, in place of all the higher match that is required of students. After all, what skills will students need to succeed at parenting and relationships, algebraic skills or people skills?

14). Try to never allow any child 17 or under, walk alone anywhere for any reason, even when it may be more convenient. We have far too often heard of the terrible things that happen to children who are left unattended!

15). If you are new and especially a young parent who is petrified of your new parenting responsibility, you do have options other than doing something desperate that you'll never forgive yourself for. You can leave your family with a responsible adult or take your baby to a church, a hospital or to any local police station. They may track you and hold you accountable, but there are many childless couples who will be overjoyed to take your baby!

16). Child identity theft is on the rise; a child so victimized won't realize what's been done to him or her until it's time to apply for a job, an apartment, a loan, or for a host of other goods and services that most take for granted. Don't give out your child's Social Security Number or full birthdate to anyone unless they NEED to know to help your child. And if you are tempted to use your child's Social Security Number for any reason, don't! This is child abuse.

17). If it is for you, run for political office, making children's rights your political platform.

18). Children with autism or other behavioral issues are the most abused children of all, according to research and my experience. Ths is because frustrated and overwhelmed (and maybe uninformed) parents and other caregivers lash out in frustration by verbal, emotional and even physical or sexual abuse. Children with special needs are even more vulnerable than typical children. If you are the parent or caregiver of a child with special needs, seek resources in your area where you can get referrals to those who can grant you respite care and guidance.

19). If you have emotional baggage from a troubled past, whether you are a parent or not, try to find a trusted person (s) to work though your issues with, whether a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, pastor or other person. In this way, you will be breaking a cycle that can pass from one generation to another. We do not have to remain products of our upbringings. In this way, by empowering yourself, you will be free to meet your child (ren's) needs.

20). If you grown overwhelmed as a parent, get help. So many cases of abuse, especially child abuse, deaths have happened because frustrated parents or caregivers have resorted to abuse spinning out of control and killing children. Hard as it is, tell yourself to walk away, take deep breaths or pray. And DO call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-44530 or 9-1-1, and find alternatives to abuse.

21). If you struggle with a substance abuse addiction, especially drugs or alcohol, please get professional help! Substance abuse sets you up to neglect or abuse your children. Of course, you still love them as much as ever, but your body "needs" to "feed" your addiction even more. You will stoop to anything to sustain your addiction and are powerless to conquer it on your own. To save your family, get help!

22). Men, take responsibility for the children whom you father, even if you are not married to their mother! It is so unfair to get females pregnant and then desert them, leaving them alone to raise your children. Such moms are at-risk because of their stresses, of abusing and neglecting your children. Anf if you are married, don't leave all parenting to your wife. Parenting is a team effort.

23). If you know or suspect that a child is being abused, do not be silent. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or 9-1-1.

24). Parents, raise your children to manage their anger, teach and model empathy and resolve their conflicts with words, not fists. Set the example, hard as this may be to do at times.

25). So many cases of child abuse and child abuse deaths happen because of wrongful court decisions in child custody cases and because of a broken system. There is no easy answer to this but appeals to the government may be the first step, so that the system will attract competent, dedicated people who are adequately paid for their work and where corrupt judges will be removed from office. This will enable the appointments of competent judges of compassion and integrity.

26).Spousal or partner abuse often mushrooms into child abuse. When we talk about preventing or ending child abuse we need to address other forms of abuse. In situations where spouses are being abused, will child removal fix the problem? According to many courts, it is!

27). Human trafficking isn't something that is "out there." Like it or not, it is happening, from coast to coast, even in the US and to children in stable, loving homes as it happens to those from bad homes. What happens is that children, around the age of 12, may run away from home or get caught up in other situations where someone approaches them and tells them that they will find a "better life" if they go to "work" for a "new family." Lured and then sold, they find themselves trapped and are made to do unimaginable things; there are many who never survive or escape. You can educate yourself at the website for Not for Sale, a nonprofit that fights human trafficking. Visit:
Not For Sale.
And if you even suspect that you see a person who may be a human trafficking victim, you can contact Truckers Against Trafficking at: 1-888-373-7888.

28). If you are in the position to do so, adopt a child. You may be rescuing a child (ren) from an abusive home, even saving their live (s).

29). Strongly discourage your older child (ren) to not date or get romantically involved with anyone with known violent tendencies; do as much "due diligence" as you can on them. You will be sorry to pour so much into raising a child (ren), only to see them ruin themselves in bad marriages!

30). Bullying should always be discussed when we talk about preventing and ending child abuse. Just because the abuse is done peer-to-peer does not make this form of abuse any less and the scars of those who survive this abuse are much the same as the scars of those who survive any other form of abuse. No matter what form abuse takes or who it is done by, abuse hurts. Parents, teach and model empathy, kindness and compassion. The rest of us should practice thse qualities and not tolerate any peer abuse that we witness, whether in person or online.

This is no complete list but you get the concept. Abuse can be prevented. It is up to us to prevent it. We don't have to organize, spend money, raise money, form committees and create huge events to make a difference. We can make a difference right where we are. These things that I have mentioned are simple (not easy) everyday things that all of us can do that make the world a better place. There is an established anti-child abuse nonprofit that is an outlet for ways to make a difference, Childhelp.
Their website for this nonprofit is comprehensive and offers many ways to get involved. They offer the 24/7 hotline that I have mentioned twice in this post, material where you can educate yourself about child abuse, volunteer opportunities, a public school initiative to prevent child sexual abuse and even a forum for survivor stories. And if you feel so inclined, you can donate. You can visit Childhelp's website: ChildHelp.

The epidemic of child abuse is so horrific that our awareness efforts can never be enough to address it. This is 365 days a year, 24/7.

Child abuse is the business of each us of. We need to mind our own business.

The Case That Is Fascinating Us

A number of months ago, a talented and attractive woman, accused of a savage murder, was on trial for her life. Her trial has been televised for the entire US to see. In being exposed to her trial on HLN, by default I found myself becoming gradually fascinated by her case. As with other cases that have captured national headlines, this case had salacious sex and scandal attached to it. In this defendant's trial, we who have followed this case have repeatedly heard a sex tape with racy, torrid content. We have heard witnesses who have had to testify of their intimate sexual experiences with the murder victim. We have heard the accused murderess tell lie after lie after lie and actually blame her victim for all her actions. She has cheapened the words abuse, domestic violence and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) by applying them to her experience without evidence. She even accused her victim of being a pedophile! Many of us have have witnessed the dirty, dishonest and often deliberate stalling tactics by this defendant's defense team. We have seen the heartbreak of the victim's family as they have been re-victimized again and again. They have had to hear their loved one be trashed by the defense and the defendant. They have had to hear about and see the gruesome autopsy photos reminding them (as if they need reminding) of the extremely cruel was their brother and loved one died. All of us, who have our own stories and who have followed this trial, have often been angered, disgusted and outraged by all this. So many people have been so obsessed by this trial that they have travelled out of state to visit the courthouse in Arizona. Especially around verdict time. This past Wednesday, May 8, this defendant was convicted. Her sentencing has still not been determined.

Why are we so fascinated, even obsessed, by this one case? Why are so many of us living through it and following every detail of this particular case? I'm sure most people know that I'm talking about the death penalty murder case of the State of Arizona vs. Jodie Arias. I'm sure that for many it is because of the extremely brutal way that the victim, Travis Alexander, died. He was stabbed 29 times and in places that were documented as "incompatible with survival." He was slit in the throat from ear to ear. He was shot in the head. Killed three ways. Either of these ways would have killed him. He SUFFERED when he was murdered, which was documented by the prosecution medical expert witness. Travis did not "go fast" and his murder did not happen quickly, like a mere shot in the head that would have of itself have killed him. His murder has deeply affected many of us. Many have been interested in this trial because they can identify with Travis's family through losing loved ones to murder or maybe they themselves survived attacks that had some features to Travis's murder. For all of you I'm certain this trial has been very triggering. Many people, in the US and worldwide, have been fascinated by this trial because, frankly, they have lived through it and found it a distraction from painful realities in their own lives. I have seen how so many of us are familiar with all the key players in this trial. Juan Martinez. I have seen one Facebook post or comment after another by "fans" of Juan who have proclaimed their near-worship of him. I have even seen posts by some asking about Juan's marital status! And Juan "fans" have been calling for Juan to become a State Governor or Judge! I'm seeing on Facebook and hearing in real life curses and slurs for the defense team, including Jennifer Wilmot and Curt Nurmi, as well as the defense witnesses. Not to mention death threats.

Yes, I know that there was equal and maybe even more intense obsession with the Casey Anthony case. I will never forget the national outrage, petitions, Facebook pages, Facebook "events" and countless storm of protests that erupted when Casey was acquitted of any involvement in the death of her small daughter, Caylee. What we do not realize, or forget, is that every day, there are countless other crime cases, including murder cases that happen all over the US or anywhere outside the US. Yet we have never heard of them; if we have, we do not take much interest in them. Why do certain cases grip our national and even worldwide attention? Why do so many of us live through them? Even taking off our jobs and spending time and money to travel to a courthouse? Even though we do not know the people involved in the fascinating case? To top it off, Miss Arias, AFTER her conviction, actually gave an interview on TV! A day later, we learn that she is placed in a psychiatric ward and is declared "incompetent." It seems that even as so many of us are outraged at not only the savage crime of Jodie, but also are equally outraged at her spiteful, deceitful and manipulative conduct afterward and up to present. Yes, our response to this type of conduct by a now convicted murderess is natural. But I wonder if many of us absorb ourselves in high-profile cases and live through them because it is so much more comfortable and safer than to face realities in our own lives that so many of us do not wish to face? It is so much easier, even more fun, to get made at and to disparage Miss Arias for her crime of murder and other misdeeds than to face our own "demons" in our own lives. Every murder and every heinous crime springs from thoughts that, if fed enough, become attitudes that we act on.

What separates murderers from victims? From non-murderers? If we have been following this case, we know that Travis, himself, and his siblings, we know that they endured early childhoods of neglect and deprivation. This was until their parents passed away and their Grandmother took them all in and raised them. Statistics tell us that many people who have endured childhood abuse or deprivation often become abusers or criminals themselves, or become involved in crimes. This clearly did not happen in the case of Travis or his siblings. Travis himself became a murder victim. Yes, people can be both victims and end up being criminals or parties to crimes. This happens in the cases of many abused wives, girlfriends or children who kill their abusers when they feel that they are trapped and that there is no other way out. This happens in cases where people, in their criminal activity, use more vulnerable people as accomplices or accessories (especially in cover ups or co-signings). Was Jodie abused or a victim? From all the evidence that was presented, I do not think so, but instead fits the profile of an abuser long before she murdered Travis. My Christian beliefs, according to the Bible, make it clear that in the eyes of God we are all criminal and capable of the worst of crimes, including murder. Jesus put anger on an equal footing with murder. Who among us has not been unreasonable angry? I know that I'm not immune to unjust anger and I do not believe anyone else is. Why are so many crimes, including murder, committed? We know people kill out of rage, jealousy, and greed. Truth be told, each of us will at some point or other struggle with one or more of these demons (I have!). It is the feeding of these impulses, as Jodie has done, that results in murder or other violent crimes. This same principle runs true in acting, or not acting on, impulses that could result in criminal activity, whether we are talking about murder or other violent crimes or other felonies like fraud, identity theft, embezzlement, larceny and the like. It all starts in the mind and depends on what we feed our minds on and what we expose ourselves to. It depends on what drives us, our impulses and our drives or our minds and hearts.


The trial of Jodie Arias is not over and the family of Travis still need public support and care as they suffer being re-victimized and make great personal sacrifices to travel back and forth from California where they live to Arizona where the trial for their loved one's murderess is being held.

http://www.travisalexanderjustice.com

A new memorial website has been set up for Travis, complete with photos from every stage of his life. There is a Guestbook where you can sign and leave messages of support for the Alexander family.

Tanisha Sorenson
ALS
700 E. Redlands Blvd. STE U304
Redlands, CA

This is the address that has been set up where you can mail the family letters, cards, even donations or other tokens of support. I encourage you to do what you can.

Travis Alexander Legacy Fund
2036 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite 2-621
Mesa, AZ 85203

This is an another address where you can send cards, letters or donations, or other tokens of support to the family of Travis Alexander.

Banner Courtesy of Barb McNally

What Is In A Word?

Beauty. They say that it is in the eye of the beholder. But is beauty subjective, something that is present or absent depending on our opinion of the subject of our evaluation for this trait? I know that there are different forms of beauty, including physical beauty, the beauty of how things or people look on the outside. And these can be subjective as we all have different ideas of what any form of beauty is. I know that there are the "top ten" of the "most beautiful" people, yearly in a celebrity magazine or two. But this type of beauty that is being referred to is physical beauty, how these individuals look. Frankly, when I have seen some of the "winners," I have wondered what judges saw in them. But this just proves that beauty IS subjective and that what is beauty to some people is not beauty to others. And then there are other forms of beaurty that have nothing to do with outward appearance, that is, what we call inner beauty of the heart and soul ot the beauty of how things are used. The Bible talks about the "beautiful feet" of those who bring the Gospel of God to others. Now we know that feet are normally NOT pretty to look at; often they can be downright ugly. But the beauty here is how these feet are used: to introduce something into the lives of others that will change their lives forever. As for inner beauty of the heart and soul, I was stuck, months ago, with an article about the woman who is titled "the ugliest woman in the world" but whose choices and attitude scream her inner beauty of heart and soul. This very moving article and the many comments to it, can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/beauty/lessons-worlds-ugliest-woman-stop-staring-start-learning-184400606.html.

Hero. We use this word very often. We use the word to refer to people who mean much to us, as in "He is my hero." This is in the sense of someone meeting the needs of another in the right place and at a critical time. For example, we often appeal to people's sense of compassion and humanity by saying, "Will you be a hero to this person?" when raising funds for children in need or appealing to the public for information to solve crimes or to bring a missing/unidentified person home. And it is used to simply refer to people we look up to, for good or not. Celebrities and athletes are frequently called "heroes" so often when people express "hero worship" for them; I have often felt that such persons are not the best people to ascribe this lofty title of hero to. And that holds true especially when they adopt, as so many do, lifestyles of drug addiction, self-indulgence or self-seeking. And then we use this word to refer to those who place themselves in harm's way on behalf of others, especially in reference to law enforcement, the military, paramedics, emergency medical technicians, firefighters, and those who serve in many other dangerous positions. And this use of the word is most appropriate. As I have heard it, a hero is one who 1) goes above and beyond the call of duty, 2) risks himself/herself to serve the higher good of others  and 3) does things that he or she would NOT be criticized for if he or she chose not to do these things.  A number of years ago, for example, Headline News Network (HLN) was doing a "Heroes" segment. The featured couple were employees who worked at a local McDonalds; they had both, WITHOUT training or protective gear, had run into a burning building to save the lives of a family. They are heroes by anyone's defintion! However, is this trait something that is within reach of each of us? The way that I have heard it, the choices we make in the small things will determine how we would react in a situaton where we would be called on to show the trait of heroism.

Survivor. We use that word more and more today. People who have battled cancer call themselves cancer survivors. People who have had heart attacks or strokes call themselves heart attack or stroke survivors. People who have experienced crimes of any kind call themselves crime survivors. People who have experienced abuse of any kind call themselves abuse survivors. We can go on and on. When this word is used, of course, what comes to mind are people who have experienced situations of life and death and have lived through them. But this word is also frequently used by so many people to give validation and closure to lives of adversity and hardship. It is an empowering word that gives meaning to things that would otherwise have no meaning and give one motivation and courage to face life and people than if you see what has happened to you as merely a random set of events without rhyme or reason. Survivor is a title that many people in my online networks give themselves and if their identity. When I was growing up or even in early adulthood, I do not remember so many people calling themselves survivors. But in this age of information and awareness about all different forms of crime, abuse, illnesses and disabilities, this word is being more widely used by many of of us to describe our pasts. This is in contrast to the past when many things were shrouded in shame, stigma and a code of silence. Of course, in an ideal world we would not have to call ourselves survivors of anything. But we do not live in that kind of world and most of us need the validation that will empower us to face life and people with confidence.

Friend. Oh how often we use this word! We often use it to refer to people whom we know or don't know well, just because they may happen to go to the same congregation, go to the same school we do, work at the same job or live in our neighborhood and greet us when they see us on the street. And in this age of social networking, we use this word to refer to people whom we have added to our social networks. Friends in social network circles have access to each others' profiles. And in these social networks, the more friends we have the more people we have who are friends in name only. These are people whom we may not give a passing thought to, be able to recognize if we saw them walking down the street and may not even like them. And then we use the word friend in the Biblical sense of the word, to describe someone who loves unconditionally, protects us, stands by us, believes in us, tells us the truth and who can be trusted. Many times we use the word friend when we really mean acquaintance.All of us have far more acquaintances than friends and can probably count on one hand the number of friends we actually have. And it works both ways, to build a true friendship we need to give trust, unconditional love, truth, loyalty and understanding, all the qualities of friendship. In thse days this word friend has become very cheap and its meaning meeds to be reclaimed. That can happen if we give and receive real friendship. Years ago, I would have said that it is impossible to build a real friendship online. Now I have changed my mind though I still maintain that it is very hard to do. Yes, I know that we live in a society of "lonely strangers" and that building friendships is much easier said than done.

Advocate. That word is often used. Growing up, I thought that the word referred only to people who go before politicians or others in power on behalf of others, like lobbyists. I know that such people are indeed advocates. In the Bible, Jesus calls Himself our Advocate before His Father not because He has to defend us to the Father but to defend us from Satan (yes I believe in a personal devil) who is no friend of ours. But today, now that I have entered the world of social networks and have taken up a number of causes that have bearing on my life and that of my family, I hear the word often and many in my network call themselves by this title. But recently, in a discussion thread to a blog directed to families with missing loved ones, a person said something like this: "Many people call themselves advocates when they are actually concerned citizens. This is not accurate. Anyone who calls himself or herself an advocate ought to get proper training and ought to get background checks to prove that he or she can be trusted." Yes, when it comes to many fields and needs I agree that such training and due diligence must be done. But, in scripture, an advocate is anyone who speaks up for the powerless and to see that their needs are met. Parents, especially when our children have special needs, call ourselves advocates for our children. Lawyers call themselves advocates for their clients. This week, though, I was speaking with a dear friend who mentioned that looking out for one person and giving ourselves to saving or helping one person, is also advocacy. Put this way, being and acting as advocates is well within the reach of each and every one of us. We just have to keep our eyes and ears open to the needs around us.

Abuse. In light of the current Jodie Arias trial, those of us who have even casually been following it can see how the defendant has used the "abuse" defense to try to reduce her consequences or get out of them completely. We can also use the words domestic violence or intimate partner violence. Yes, over the years I have heard the words abuse and domestic violence being tossed around, in everything from survival stories and memoirs to criminal cases in the defense of offenders. For years now, it seems that the disclosure of some kind of abuse has become very common, I daresay almost fashionable. Traditionally, abuse and domestic or intimate partner violence have been taken to mean physical abuse. Only in recent decades has abuse been recognized as a broad umbrella, including emotional, verbal, spiritual, sexual and financial abuse. Today in out high-tech age abuse has become electronic and can be called cyber-abuse. Now it is widely recognized that emotional abuse is at the foundation of all other forms of abuse or it can stand alone. Abuse is a sustained pattern of behavior. Currently, only physical and sexual abuse are legally recognized as abuse and can be prosecuted. The bad thing about abuse being recognized as a broad umbrella and on a spectrum is that the word is often used irresponsibly to refer to normal but unwelcome actions or words. But the good thing about abuse being recognized as a spectrum and a wide umbrella is that there is so much more awareness and support for victims and survivors. This is life, however; we must take the bad with the good. Personally, I much prefer that abuse is recognized as a broad spectrum. As I write this and the jury in the Jodie Arias trial has begun deliberations about her guilt/innocence, I know that the way the words domestic violence and abuse were tossed around throughout this entire trial will influence the verdict that this jury comes back with.

There are so many other words that have many different meanings but I picked these six words because they are commonly used in my world. Words carry much power when they are used responsibly, honestly and in the proper context. When they are misused they can cause much damage, even life-threatening harm.

Photo Courtesy of PicDrome.com Bookwriting Macro This photo can be found here.

The Case That Is Now Fascinating Us

She claims that she has 2000 Twitter followers.

She claims that she is a survivor of child abuse.

She claims that she is a survivor of intimate partner abuse.

She responded to her arrest by singing.

She responded to her arrest by doing headstands.

She declared on a TV interview, "No jury will ever convict me."

She added to this declaration, "Because I will kill myself first."

She expressed happiness that her tested I.Q. is at the genius level, like Einstein.

She took the life of her intimate partner, claiming that this was an act of self-defense.

She is very attractive and talented.

She is on trial and accused of first-degree murder.

I'm very sure that you know the identity of the person whom I'm giving these details on. Her name is Jodie Arias and she is taking the place of Casey Anthony as America's "Most Hated Woman." I'm seeing a lot of comparing of these two women and their cases. The biggest similarity is the massive media coverage of these two cases and the massive public interest. Are you one of the many, in OR outside the US, who are closely following this riveting this case? I would not be surprised that you are. I know that there are still many who do not have cable TV and so may not have as much media access to this case. What is so FASCINATING about this case? Well, we are getting TONS of sex and scandal, which are always sensational. There is the element of uncertainty and not knowing what the outcome will be.

Why are so many of us virtually living through this case, with our emotions so tied up in every twist and turn that is happening during this trial? Even as I write this, another family member has been cursing the TV and the curses were directed at the defendant. Why has HLN gone so far as to devote an entire show to a "mock jury" who go through "mock min-trials" and render "mock verdicts"? So many of us are familiar with every player in this case, including the devastated family of Travis, the murder victim, the hurting family of the defendant, the prosecutor, Juan Martinez, every witness, the defense lawyers, and of course, the defendant and Travis, her unfortunate victim. Why so much INTENSE media coverage? Demand. We cannot get enough!

With all the court theatrics, the trashing, defamation and slander of the defendant's parents and especially of the unfortunate victim himself, and the questionable tactics of the defense team and witnesses, we must never forget who the actual victim is. We must never forget that he has a grieving, devastated family who are forced to sit in this trial day after day and listen to their murdered loved one get revictimized. At the bottom of this blog I will give the address of one of his sisters, given on a Facebook page set up for the family of Travis. You can send the family cards, letters, even donations. The Facebook page for their support has information there in the "Info" tab about how you can give online, if you desire to do so.  To show support and get justice for their murdered loved one, they are paying for their travel and longing expenses with public support.

The trial is making us think about abuse, what it is, what it is not and what kinds of abuse there  are. Was Jodie abused by Travis? That is the claim made by the defense. But I think that is beside the point of this blog. Despite my personal feelings for the current "Domestic Violence Expert," I have to agree with her GENERAL statements that there are different kinds of abuse and that there are degrees of abuse. Abusers usually have many good qualities and abusive relationships have highs AND lows.
Traditionally and even now, physical abuse is what automatically comes to mind when we think of abuse and what is often not realized is that emotional abuse and control is what ALL forms of abuse are based on. Also, emotional abuse can happen by itself. Emotional, financial, and sexual abuse (alone OR combined) cause permanent emotional scars and often can't ever be forgotten, while physical injuries usually heal. Maybe one good thing coming out of this high-profile trial is that many people will become more aware of how abuse works.

Yes the point is the supposed abuse of the defendant. In her testimony, she has claimed being spanked with a wooden spoon by her mom and that her parents physically abused her. She has claimed being both emotionally and physically abused by Travis, as well as sexually abused and degraded by him. Yes, I heard the sex tape and his exchanges as well as hers. I heard about how that tape was recorded. My honest opinion of  Jodie's abuse claims? I see little convincing evidence that she has experienced any form of abuse, in childhood or at Travis's hands. Her parents, via taped police questioning and other interviews, have stated that this defendant had once almost killed her brother by hitting him on the head with a baseball bat, would kick her mom without cause, lied regularly and "may go off the deep end" as "she had issues." The sex tape? Unless I misunderstood it, both Travis and Jodie seemed to be enjoying themselves, pointing to a consensual intimate relationship. The angry texts by him? These are said to be his responses to her prior actions, but do these rise to the level of emotional abuse, which is control?

The "I do not Remember" defense that has been put forth by Jodie and her defense team? Her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) defense? I have heard both explanations put forth by military veterans when they told of how they have killed in combat. I well recall the case of former Senator Bob Kerrey, who, when he was younger, fought in Vietnam as a Navy Seal. Years ago, he confessed to ordering a shooting where a number of civilians were killed as he though they were the Viet Cong enemy. Upon his confession, he claimed PTSD and "the fog of war." Should Jodie be equated or compared to those who have fought for our freedom? It is a new one on me that now the PERPETRATORS of violent, horrific crimes in PEACETIME can also claim PTSD in a court of law!
Aside from that, it DOES make sense to me that a criminal can "block out" crimes to not have to think about them, whether consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression).

What are the undisputed FACTS in this high-profile case? A young man was brutally killed a few years ago. He was stabbed 29 times. His throat was slit from ear to ear. He was shot. He will never breathe the same air that we are breathing. The defendant has confessed to this homicide BUT only as an act of self-defense. She is charged with first-degree murder. Her life is at stake because she is on trial for a possible death penalty. The lives of two families have been forever shattered by this defendant's actions. The outcome of this trial is uncertain.

I know that Jodie has her supporters, just as every criminal does, based on media coverage of those who show bias toward her, her 2000 plus Twitter followers, and the efforts of her defense team to spare her life and to reduce her charges and sentencing. I also know that Travis and his family have far more support. Though massive support can never fill the huge void and lasting devastation of a murdered loved one, they can use your support! There is a Facebook page set up just to get support for this family, emotional and financial. One sister of Travis's also has provided an address so people can send cards, letters and other forms of support to the family.

The address to contact the family and show your support is:

Tanisha Sorenson
ALS
700 E. Redlands Blvd., Ste. U304
Redlands, CA 92373

This is the address for cards and/or donations for the family:

Travis Alexander Legacy Fund
2036 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite 2-621
Mesa, AZ 85203

https://www.facebook.com/SupportTravisAlexandarsFamily
This is the link for the Facebook page to show the family of Travis public support.

Banner Courtesy of Barb McNally

Do We Really Get Over What Happens To Us?

In person and online, so often when people express feelings of distress about things that have happened to them, so often they are told, "Get over it. It happened long ago. What is past is past."
Yes, the reasoning behind this is logical because it is a fact: We cannot change what has happened and no amount of agonizing over it is going to change anything that has happened. But do we truly get over what has happened to us? Are we even supposed to?

Today has been the somber commemoration of September 11, the day that we focus on that very dark time in US history in our recent past, when planes crashed into two twin towers and thousands of lives were lost. And many, many others were changed forever. Now is is possible for those who lived through this horror of losing loved ones, being in one of those buildings or witnessing the bombing or any aspect of the attacks, to "get over it?" Never! That day and that time will live forever in the memories of every survivor of those terrorist attacks. And the more that they lost the more they will always remember. Things would never be "back to normal" to them. Instead, they would experience what we call a "new normal." And, in a very real way, even though most of us were not there (especially if you had a loved one or friend who was in one of those twin towers), we will never forget and we will never "get over it." And should we? There are many lessons to learn from this which, unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to teach us. We realized that it is people who matter and above all, how fragile life is. In that way, we should never "get over" what happened on September 11!

In my social network, there has been a certain Facebook user, who is an impassioned advocate for his cause and it is born of his own horrific loss in childhood and how it had happened. To compound matters is the way it was handled and so this user has spent years seeking closure. Understandably, he has often used hid Facebook wall to vent about the broken system and how it had failed him and his family. Yes, he had always received supportive comments and encouragement to continue to fight for his cause and for those that he has been advocating for. One day, he was venting and, later, he posted that people were getting tired of seeing him vent. They did not want to hear about it anymore. He pasted and copied the very insensitive post someone had put on his Facebook Wall. To paraphrase, the post said: "Breaking news: The Pity Train has crash-landed into a stop that says Get Over It. Stop crying over it to everyone because Everyone Has Problems. Have trouble with that? There is a stop saying Wah, Wah, Wah. Quit Your Complaining. Still having trouble? Get used to it, Cupcake! Life is not about you!" In another case, a Facebook user, whose posts I no longer see, used Facebook to get support from others as she dealt with her painful past. Usually, she got caring, supportive comments from a good number of people whenever she posted and people would leave supportive comments on her Facebook Wall. But one day she posted: "I got a private message telling me to stop griping about my problems and to get over it." Yes she did get many supportive comments but why would someone send her such a message in the first place?

When depressed people typically talk about things that depress them and things of the past that continue to haunt and hurt them today, they often are told, "Get over it." "Deal with it" and "The past is past." Yes, I know that we do not do well when we remain stuck in the past and and cannot enjoy the present and those in our lives. But why is is that many people cannot move past the stage of being haunted by things that have happened to them? Can this be precisely because they have not gotten answers and validation because of things they have experienced? Often, people who have survived various forms of abuse are told, "You need to forgive (your abuser). Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with human pain." While it is forever true that we are to forgive those who have hurt us and not carry animosity against them, moving to forgiveness is not simply a matter of pretending that the wrongs done to us did not happen, did not hurt us and should never have happened. Forgiveness is nor forgetting what has happened. After all, forgiveness would not even be an issue if there was nothing to forgive. So to truly forgive, we have to admit and embrace that we have been hurt and wronged and while it should not ever have happened, that we choose not to hold it against the person who has wronged us. Yes, I know that is so much EASIER said than done! Forgiveness is a struggle for me and I would be lying if I said it isn't. And forgiveness is toughest when we lack answers and closure about what has happened.

Isn't the whole idea of remembering where we come from a condradiction to the admonition to "get over it"? to remember where we come from so we will be better able to help people, we have to remember the things that have happened to us and what things were like for us. Without that, we will not be able to have empathy for others in pain. If we totally "get over" what has happened to us and "get the iron wrinkled out of our bellies," as my late stepdad would put it, we cannot really help others and care for them well. And by this, I do not mean that, to help someone facing pain and sorrow, that you have to have gone through their exact situation. While that is prefereable, anyone who has gone through pain, sorrow or suffering and is working through it, is qualified to help anyone who is struggling. It has been said, "Circumstances make us advocates." People who are denial about what has happened to them or who subscribe to the "get over it" mentality, are not going to want to get into any form of advocacy and get personally involved. I am finding this out with my struggles in getting signatures for my Change.org petition. Most people in my life, online and in-person, with whom I have shared this petition, have not signed it. I cannot judge them and I cannot see what is in their hearts. I know that they have their own reasons that they have not signed it. And I do NOT wish a crisis to happen to all thse people to compel them to care about autism, bullying, missing people, or anything else! Why do we need tragedy to make us see reality?

So when we tell people to "get over it" we are really suggesting that they forget what has happened to them, in other words, to forget where they came from. I think what most well-meaning people really mean by this is that people need to work through their issues so they don't get so stuck by them that they cannot function in the present. I know of a few people who consider working through their past severing all ties with those who were in their past. In some cases, relationships need to be let go if those parties will continue to use you and the others in your life. But we just cannot forget our pasts entirely and act like they had never happened. They did and the past is wasted if no lessons are learned rom it and others are not being helped through what you have experienced. In my earlier adulthood, I had tried my best to "forget my past" and to "act like it never happened." After all, past is past, right? But God lets things happen to us for a good reason. He wants us to forgiive the past and not get stuck in it but I don't think He wants us to FORGET. He wants us to remember where we came from so we will always be aware of our need for Him and be motivated to rise above it and trade it for helping others.

"Get over it" and "lest we forget" are oxymorons, right? Am I making sense?