Social Networking Friends and Foes, Real People and Fakes

     Just yesterday, two separate times, I was logged into Facebook and was reading some posts, Two status updates stood out and reflected my own feelings about my many of my own social networking experiences. One person posted (and I'm paraphrasing): "Facebook is ridiculous. Want to know what I think? I wonder who among you are really my friends. This includes those of you whom I have met in real life. I spend so much time looking at your pages and signing a bunch of your petitions and I feel like my time is being wasted when so many of you don't take the time to look at my material. Let's face it, folks. Who among us have real friends whom we have met online? Who among us would talk to each other outside of Facebook?"
     A few hours later, I saw another post on my homepage. This person posted (and I'm paraphrasing): "Folks, can any of us really trust anyone we meet only online? Online contact does not work like real life. Online, people can too easily hide behind their computer screens and lie to you about who they are and what they do. Don't trust people even when they present themselves as having missing loved ones; they are not saints and cannot be really trusted. Don't trust people even when they are advocates for children; they are not saints and cannot really be trusted. It doesn't matter what people pose as or say about themselves. You cannot trust anyone if you have met them only online."
     I hate to agree with these statements as total truth but as I have had many painful online experiences that resemble that of countless other users, who have placed trust in online people who have proved to have violated that trust. I have seen too many people who have not been what they and their devoted followers, have claimed that they were. In person, is is easier (unless you have trouble reading nonverbal cues), to determine if another person's body language and demeanor point to ulterior motives and social masking, indicating deceit. It is simply so much easier to fake it and deceive, online and safely behind a computer screen and to use ostensibly nice and friendly behavior to gain the trust of people before scamming you.
     I think that most of us perceive and treat online friends differently from in-person, offline friends. In real life, I seriously doubt that any of us would approach a stranger or someone whom we don't know well, and tell them, "Hello, --------------------------, I'm adding you to my contacts because someone has suggested you to me and because we have mutual friends." But many of us do this very thing online, to connect with new online contacts. We "add" other users as "friends." What does it mean to be or have Facebook friends vs. offline, in-person friends? How did "friend" ever become a verb? Now, we say that we "friend" or "unfriend" people! In "real life," if any of us approached people the way we do on social networks, "friending" new users, it would be called stalking. But I think this sort of behavior is a online habit among us who have causes where we seek to raise awareness for, or who who have businesses and are seeking to sell products and is common among nonprofit organizations so they can shore up support and donations. "friends" on Facebook and other social networks, are often more like online acquaintances whom we correspond with.
     Another common online practice that would kill most offline friendships, is the way that, after exchanging initial friendly words with newly added people, we never speak to each other again. This has happened to me so often that I have come to expect it. It is like I add so many of these users and they apparently forget that they have ever connected with me. I don't know if this is because of their default homepage settings where they create "friends lists" where my posts do not show up in many newsfeeds, have "hidden" my posts from view, or use social networks sporadically. But it makes me wonder, Why did I "friend" these people in the first place?
     The fact that we see online friends as separate from offline friends is the way that we so often handle differences with online friends. So many users are quick to use the "Unfriend" button and, less often, the "Block" and even the "Report" button for things that we would much more readily forgive an offline, "real-life" friend for. In real life, we are much more prone to work out differences and bear with each other, where online, users are much less likely to give other users  benefit of the doubt, and to use the "Unfriend," and even the "Block" or "Report" buttons. For example, last year, a public scandal in the life of a certain politician erupted and his reputation was destroyed, even though he expressed contrition for his actions. Nevertheless, many of his Twitter "followers" quickly deserted him. If these "followers" had known this politician offline, I daresay they would have been more disposed to give him the benefit of the doubt and stand by him. In my experience, I have often been "unfriended," sometimes "blocked," and in a known recent case, I have been "reported," because of offensive posts or private messages. I'm sure that if these users had known me personally, they would have been more likely to work out our differences and be reconciled.
     I knw that many users use social networks only to "have fun" and keep up with family and friends and want no part of causes. In a way, I don't blame them a bit! Yet in a troubled, embattled, dying world like ours, I see it as morally unacceptable to "leave the world alone" and not embrace any cause or make some attempt to make a difference to the best of one's ability. And the price for raising awareness and advocacy are that we have to open ourselves up to people, all kinds of people whom we may not otherwise, and it poses a challenge to protect ourselves and our social networks even as we seel to make a difference. This is why, sadly, as the users whose statuses I paraphrased earlier, we so often encounter the darker side of social networking and the shallowness and the pretense so often seen on social networks.
     Online self-expression are often easier than offline self-expression. I think many people are like me; it is often easier to open up and express ourselves online than offline. In "real life," I often clam up, especially in group settings of any kind. But online, I have felt more comfortable in self-expression, revealing things that I have never felt comfortable saying to most people whom I have known personally. The dark side of this is that it is easy to overshare online and I have often seen users share things about themselves that I felt were not anyone's business, including mine. I find it difficult to tell, sometimes, what many users mean by what they post, and it drives me crazy when they beg for help and don't provide any context.
     Online, I find that it is much easier to find people who share my values and my goals. The tradeoffs are that, almost always, these are people who are located far from me and have no shared history with me. With many people in "real life," there is usually more proximity and more shared history, but often we do not share many values or goals in common. For example, online, I know of people who have shown much support for my causes but have proved to be unavailable when I feel the need to contact them with questions. Offline, most of my family, friends and acquaintances, are those who see no need to support any causes and see what I do as useless and that I should leave my efforts to "the experts."
     In my current petition campaign, I know that I take it personally and feel it as a "slap in the face" when people show no support for my petition or make any effort to educate themselves as to its importance through reading the text in my petition on the page. I have thousands of "friends" but only hunderds of signatures, many not even from these in my network. Most people, depending on their default settings (unless they have "hidden" me in their newsfeeds), who use Facebook or other social networks regularly, no doubt have seen my posts about my petition. And yet, many seem to simply be ignoring it. I suspect that these "nonsupporters" may feel that their signatures don't count, feel that I may "hit them up" later for donations (despite my disclaimers), may not trust me, or may not even know about autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) and don't care to learn. And so many, I fear, have their own agendas and causes and are happy to see me support them, but are not willing to support mine.
These "nonsupporters" usually don't know me, and I doubt that they value their relationships with me and so where they are concerned, expectations need to be kept low. One user bluntly posted on my "Birthday wish" "event" page, "I don't do petitions."
      Social networks often unmask the real motives and thoughts of those whom we know in "real life." In my online experiences, many local "friends" and some relatives, have "unfriended" me without notice, and in one known case, one has blocked me totally. In every one of thse cases, I did not suspect that anything was amiss in my relationships with these people until I added them to my online networks and found myself removed from theirs. And it is well-documented that many marriages have been ruined when when one souse has uncovered evidence or secrets about the other spouse online. And It is also well-known that many people have lost their jobs when their bosses or co-workers have learned things about them online. Social networks have forever changed how we relate to each other.
      Social networks are neither good or bad. They are just a tool. Behind social networks are people who use them, either for good or for evil. Because so many use social networks for evil, we who use them for good need to be even more discerning about everyone we meet online, realizing that all other users need to be equally discerning in relating to us. But in our discernment and healthy skepicism, let's not miss the the good, honest, caring, trustworthy people who are using the networks for good.

    
    

Scams

     Scams. I'm sure almost all of us have been victims of them. Individuals, groups or organizations take an interest in you, win your trust and when they are satsified that your trust has been won, they move in with their dirty work. Your trust in them won, they take from you what they want (whether your sensitive information or your money, and so forth) and vanish without a trace, not delivering on their promises and leaving you adrift, disillusioned and wondering who to trust.
     Online, one of my first such experiences with this was with a nonprofit organization. Before I had started using Facebook, I had never known that this organization existed. Then how did I find out about it? I learned about it through posts from those in my networks, especially those who had close ties to the nonprofit in question. I observed that many people in my network showed support for this nonprofit. I had done community volunteer work offline but never anything online, but over time, I toyed with the idea of joining this nonprofit's "family" of volunteers.
     Why had I wanted to get involved with this particular organization in the first place? Aside from the stated mission of this particular nonprofit and my desire to enter a supposedly controlled and supportive situation, to make a difference in the lives of those served by this nonprofit, I craved a sense of belonging and community that were missing from my life. This nonprofit promised to provide that for their volunteers. "Become part of our team and you will find a family!" this nonprofit promised. And I did not feel that I fit in with the kind of people who attended the mainstream suburban congregations that my family and I have visited or placed our memberships in. These kind of people who comprised most of our local, suburban parishes, have been, for the most part, nice, decent, and seemingly upstanding citizens and often devout in their faith. Yet I have seen too little diversity in race, disabilities or walks of life. Most seemed to be more or less affluent and many were in the professional class. From my observations and research, this seems to be the case in so many denominational, local congregations in our suburbs. In such settings, it is hard for so many people among the poor, those with disabilities (visible or invisible), members of racial or ethnic minority groups and others, to feel part of their local faith communities.
      Therefore, when several online people with close ties to the nonprofit in question, took an interest in me and showed affection and support, I was thrilled and I felt hopeful that things were coming together. Therefore, I wanted to become one of them and become part of their mission and activities. I liked what they said about their nonprofit and I believed in their cause. Unsure of whether I really could volunteer and whether I would even be accepted as such, I nevertheless decided to take the chance. And so, in the Fall, a year-and-a-half ago, I contacted this nonprofit and I expressed my interest in volunteering for them.
     The volunteer co-ordinator, who had been in my social networks almost from the beginning, contacted me through email and sent me the volunteer application to fill out online and send back electronically. On this form, I was asked for my Social Security Number ("very important for a criminal background check") and there also was a question asking about disabilities. I wondered why some of these questions were needed for online work. And was the Social Security Number really needed for a criminal background check? Within hours after I filled out this application and returned it through email, the volunteer co-ordinator called me on the phone for an "intake interview." A day later, I was thrilled when this person called me and, in the course of the conversation, assured me that I had been accepted!
     That very night, I set about creating a second, official page for this nonprofit. One by one, each of those who had ties to this nonprofit, added me as a friend to this profile as well as to my original profile. And I busied myself with adding more and more people from my first profile, to this second profile. Soon I was dismayed to discover that that racy, spammy material in the form of a video, was being sent in message form or posted on the pages of those in this new network and in my name! I could see that the people with this nonprofit were, judging from their posted comments, were defending me and doing "damage control" for me. They were insisting that these racy, spammy links and material were the work of hackers and that I was not sending these to anyone. I felt comforted and convinced myself that we could work this out.
     However, these spammy links and racy material continued to be sent to my friends on this profile. As the days wore on, it seemed all I was doing was trying to repair the damage coming from my hackers and trying to convince my friends on Facebook that I was NOT sending them ANY of this trash that they were getting in my name. I became more upset and frustrated by this turn of events. What had I ever gotten myself into, signing up for this nonprofit? My family did not support my volunteer efforts for this nonprofit and let me know it. They guessed that I had a computer virus infection and that when another family member had gotten on my computer and clicked suspicious links there, that this may have been paved the way for my hackers to do their dirty work. Maybe. But my phone chats with the volunteer co-ordinator began to break down and I could see that the nonprofit was losing interest in me. One night, I was aghast when this person told me something like, "We have concluded that you are not a fit person for our nonprofit, that you will not help us in our work and that we do not want to deal with someone who is as high-maintenance as you have shown yourself to have been." From this point, the person's phone manner became distant and even cold, and this conversation became a disaster.
     The following day, this nonprofit sent me an email, telling me that I was dismissed as a volunteer. I was devastated! When the CEO of this nonprofit contacted me by phone to, in essence, defending this person's nonprofit and convince me of why I was not a fit volunteer, my family got involved, with results that did me no good. When the conversation ended, I sent this CEO an email, making the mistake of attempting to make the case as to why I was a good person for this nonprofit, I got a quick response, accusing me of harassment and ending with a cold, angry, "Don't ever contact us again." One by one, most of those with close ties to this nonprofit removed me from their friends lists and this happened on my original profile as well as my new one. And the one persson, with close ties to this nonprofit and who I believed was becoming a real friend, told me that the entire team had been told to remove me from their official profiles. "But you're on my personal page and I am keeping you there," this person assured me.
     However, I was utterly dismayed when I discovered that this very person as well as another who I was feeling bonded with, later the following day, had blocked me completely AND from their personal pages! I knew I was blocked when when I visited my messages inbox on Facebook and both person's names were in black and their profiles were no longer hyperlinked so I could access them. Also, I could no longer reply to their messages. And as for my second, hacked page, Facebook had removed it as it had been reported as a hacked page.
     This all happened during December and at the holiday season, which made all of this even more depressing. I entered a depression, feeling helpless, hopeless and adrift, betrayed, disillusioned and wondering who I could trust. Why in the world would everyone with a nonprofit be told to sever all ties with me as though I were a criminal? I had spent hours trying to support this nonprofit and their cause. I would wistfully check my email inbox for messages from this nonprofit, against better knowledge. I sent emails to some of the people who had "unfriended" me, making the case as to why they were being told things about me that were not true, if this was happening. Needless to say, I never received any replies to these emails. One evening, I called the volunteer co-ordinator to appeal to this person. When this person heard my voice, I heard the abrupt click of the phone.
     Seeing that my relationships with those with this nonprofit had deteriorated into nothingness, I would pour my heart out to God in my prayer journal, venting to Him all my angry, sad, fearful and betrayed feelings. This experience with this nonprofit brought back all so many of my memories of being misunderstood and bullied by both adults and peers thoughout my youth. My family could take only so much of my venting; I didn't blame them. How did I let myself get talked into a situation like this? Could I ever trust anyone again?
     We know that online scams are harder to detect than offline scams. This is because users can hide behind their computer screens do what they want to do. They can escape detection through setting up fake profiles, making claims about themselves not are untrue or grandiose or can hide their identities.
And we are vulnerable to scams when we crave a sense of belonging and community, we are lonely or want an easy, cheap or free way to obtain goods or services. We are vulnerable when we are in need and are looking for someone to "rescue" us or give us answers. And we are vulnerable when the scammers win our trust and make promises to us that they can give us what we want.
     I have experienced other scams since my experience with this nonprofit in question. The users who had blocked me, had "refriended" me but things have not ever been the same. These experiences have made me more wary but still, I know that it is easy to fall prey to scammers because there are are always people who will take advantage of the trusting. Currently, in my petition dive on behalf of the autism community and in my quest for support and resources to "beef up" my campaign, I know that I will have to guard against scammers who would make false promises that they would make my petition "go viral" without the needed work to increase the odds that this could happen. And in my offlne life, I have to guard against people who would make promises to grant me answers to my lifetime of my unexplained differences when they are in no way qualified to give me any quality evaluation for my situation.
     As it has so often been said, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is!