And I Have Been A Bystander

          As I have been, like so many others who follow the news, been hearing about the tragic stories of the alleged rapes of young boys and the refusal of people to intervene in the behalf of these alleged victims, I, like many others, have been sickened. And this has gotten me thinking about the "bystander effect" where many of of do not, whether because of fear, ignorance or plain indifference, do not intervene when involvement is called for. This applies to any situation where people are being abused, bullied, exploited, harmed or simply ignored and we are able to do something about it.
          This is an unpleasant post for me to write, as I do not like to dwell on my past failures in this regard. But as we cannot change the past, in realizing this, I can only hope and pray that I have learned about the effect of the "bystander effect" on me. And I hope that sharing my past failures in this regard will make this applicable to us all.
          My first example of my failure in this regard is when I attended an all-day camp. We worked on making various crafts, including homemade soap. At one point, some girls kept harrassing one of the girls who was sitting quietly and passively at the front table, pointing at her and saying things like, "It's your fault!" and "Stop it!" I didn't see that the girl herself was causing any trouble; it seemed that these girls just disliked this girl and wanted to trash her for some reason. The camp counselor at the table where this girl was, asked her, "And what about it? What do you have to to say about this?" She said nothing. The other girls, gloating, cried something like, "That's what you get!" I didn't know this girl's side of the story, but it seemed like she was being unfairly targeted. Responding to my well-meaning parents' training to "mind my own business" at all costs (and I do not fault them), I said nothing but felt guilty at my inaction.
          My second example is not just being a bystander but "trying to fit" in by going along with the my offending peers. Aged 13, I attended Cadette Girl Scouts. In the troop was another girl who shared some of my same challenges. As this was at the church-based school I attended for two years, I experienced my share of bullying from especially the girls. In this case it was one afternoon when some girls decided to engage in bad teasing and disability slurs toward this other girl. Wanting, I guess, to avoid being bullied by these girls and wanting to be "cool" and to "fit in," I participated in their bad teasing, even though I actually liked the other girl. I composed a poem which derided this girl and though I threw it in the trash and don't recall that she saw it, I still cringe today at my one memory of being a part of bullying and part of the problem.
          Another example was in my early adulthood, in a large singles group. The man in question was not actually ever bullied but was merely ignored (in some ways worse than being bullied). He was nonverbal and never spoke a word. I felt sorry for this man as, after all, I identified with him. Yet I didn't speak to him, either. In this case, I think it was because we didn't know how to approach this man nor could we predict how he would react, but also our motive may have been that we took it for granted that someone else would do it--reach out to this man. Sadly, this did not happen.
           One more example was when I was, again, a young adult and was walking around the lake of our local park. I loved this activity and did much walking outdoors during my earlier adult years, before the awareness of the presence of predators and kidnappers. On this one afternoon, I was striding along on the walking trail when two young children approached the lake, unattended. Where were their parents? I didn't see them. When I didn't see the parents, I merely kept an eye on these children and was relieved when an adult collected them. I don't really remember this incident, but once I told mom; no doubt recalling how she had raised me to "mind my own business" at all costs, she told me, "You should have gone to the community center and called 911."
          This "bystander effect" does obvious damage to those on whose behalf we fail to act, from increasing their victimization to making them feel that they are not worth anyone's involvement to even worse, risking their safety. But it also damages us in that every time we fail to act, it gets easier and easier to succumb to the "bystander effect" the next time. In my case, I hope and pray that I have learned my lesson and that I'm redeeming these instances of my succumbing to the "bystander effect" by reaching out to those in the community when others often will not. I don't want in any way to resemble those people in the recent news who had allegedly witnessed child molestation and failed to seek the help of authorities.
           Abuse and bullying are everyone's business.