Do We Really Mean That?

"No comment."--Actually, by saying this, we DO intend to declare our opinion BUT we are unwilling to give it because either we think other people should know what it is already, we assume that they know what we think. Another reason for this one is that we don't want people to know what our actual opinion is but we definitely want them to know that we hold a strong opinion on the subject concerned. Once, on a popular talk show, a certain person was heavily criticized for her actions; a guest was discussing this person. The talk show host snorted, "No comment from me." Months ago, I saw a political post on a Facebook user's page and I saw mention of a certain politician whom I have always held a strong opinion on. In the comments area, I posted, "No comment from me about this individual."

"Never again!" Actually, we normally say this in the wake of betrayal or disappointment where we quite understandably don't want to experience that agony again. I'm sure countless divorced people and rejected lovers have said this at the time. But the fact that so many of those lovers move to new relationships and so many divorced people remarry, show that this is a phrase often said in the heat of emotion and not deliberate choice. After my most recent bad experience with a nonprofit, I said, "Never again." So far, I have stood by this, but who knows?

"I don't care." Actually, so often when we declare this, we are really striving to convince ourselves that we don't care about something that really matters to us, but which or who has let us down. There is a popular song called, "I Don't Care Anymore," and this is the refrain in the song. But if this song is true, would it actually be the case that the rejected lover is trying to convince himself that he doesn't care in order to dull or numb the pain? In a certain book, the character is depicted as declaring, in response to another friend's rejection, "I don't care." The book goes on to state that this character DID care.

"I'm fine." Actually, so often when we say this we are ANYTHING but fine. I know that this is the standard part of the answer to the greeting, "How are you doing?" Yes, a greeting. I have so often though that this converastional interchange, like much small talk, is really a waste of time and just fills the air with empty talk. And detesting small talk and doing poorly in it, is a common trait in Asperger's Syndrome and autism. Aside from this, it is dishonest to state that we are "doing just fine" when we may be anxious, depressed, ill, lonely, or have suffered a loss, trauma or tragedy. Yet can we really say how we ACTUALLY are to people whom we don't know or don't know well? Not really. But to say, "I'm fine"? Yet when we keep up this small talk in settings like close friendships, family or our comgregational settings, is not appropriate. In these settings, we should be able to be honest and open about who we are and not have to pretend. Yet even in these setting, too many of us do this.

"Don't worry." I suspect that many times we say this because, somewhere in the back of our minds, we know that there IS cause to be concerned. Or else why would we even ask a person not to worry? Normally, this reassurance is offered when there some cause for concern in a situation or the person whom we are talking to is worried about something. I well recall that when I expressed my concern to a person, "I was told, "Do not fear," and yet, I soon found that I had cause for concern in that instance. In that instance, the outcome was not a good one. So when I hear such a reassurance, I don't know if I can or should trust it or if the person knows something I don't. Or why would I be asked not to worry? Now I'm sure there are many times when "Don't worry" means that while there is cause to worry, that things will ultimately work out.

"I'm starving." Yes, I know that in even in the developed world, hunger is a reality for many people for different reasons. But among us in this part of the world, it is easy to confuse appetite and true hunger. We may say, "I'm starved" when we really mean that our appetites are turned on, especially for foods high in fat, salt and sugar. Right? I'm quite sure the vast majority of children and many adults use this phrase when hunger is not the issue. And not knowing the difference between appetite and true hunger is the reason so many people are overweight or even obese. And we know all the health risks that come with being heavy and I will not discuss them here. "Starving" actually refers to literally not getting enough food, protein, calories and even fat, to sustain existence. It IS the accurate phrase, of course, to describe the plight of countless people in Third World countries.

"Cry me a river." Actually, this is something we say when we are NOT interested in hearing about someone's woes or seeing any tears they may cry because we are convinced that they have no cause to carry on about their probems. When criminals, accused or convicted, complain about their situations or make excuses for their actions or have shed tears over their sentences, I have often heard this phrase as the indignant response.

"I need it." Actually, we often say this when we really want something and are convinced that life is not worth living if we do not get it. Even as I write this, I know that I have said this concerning things I have set my heart on that I know, deep down, I could live without if I knew how to navigate life without these things I so desire. And I know that all of of parents have often heard our children cry out about things they want, even if these are downright bad for them, "I need, I need, I need!" And yes, we, as children, we cried out even about things that are downright bad for us, "I need, I need, I need!" But wants and needs are not the same thing. Our needs are essential for our physical, emotional, and spiritual survival. Our wants may help fill our needs or they may not. And spiritual needs are often unfelt needs. For example, the Bible declares, from cover to cover, that we need to trust God. But how many of us FEEL this as a need? On the other hand, we may desire soda or sweets in the worst way, but do we NEED these?

"It's nothing." Actually, we often say this when we just don't want to talk about something that is very important to us, even of central importance to us. I know that I have said this when I did not feel comfortable talking about a subject of great importance to me. So even if someone tells us, "It's nothing," when we ask them what is bothering them, we probably should not take take that at face value. Yes, it may be the easier thing to do but it may be a serious, even fatal mistake!

"We need to talk." These words have always, in my experience, been the preamble for bad news that I was about to receive. And I suspect that this phrase is used when ACTUALLY we have to deliver bad news that the other person is not going to want to hear and so we are laying the groundwork for the delivery of our bad news. In one instance, a person sent me an email simply saying that "I need to talk to you about stuff." This person was not going to tell me that she was setting up a meeting to give me bad news but instead, just gave me the impression that this was a social thing. But when I made it to this meeting, I rapidly saw that this was no social encounter but a venue for bad news. In another instance and more recently, another person sent me an email and told me that she had to talk to me about a matter. I knew this was going to be bad news and when the person called me later, I found that I was right!

"You are great, good, beautiful, smart, talented, but----". So often, it seems that people heap compliments on us as a way to ward off a blow starting with, "but" and the "but" is usually either bad news or criticism that we know the person will not want to hear, even be devastated by. I know that this approach is often recommended when we have to give criticism or bad news and want to do it in the least hurtful way possible and soften the blow. I experienced this when a certain nonprofiit would not admit me on their team. The person contacting me heaped me with praise about my personality and character before telling me, "You application to volunteer with us has been declined." I have heard the word "but" so often be used when praising people and their qualities that often I wonder how sincere such praise is. And I know that we use the word "but" as a disclaimer in countless other contexts having nothing to do with people. Yes, I'm sure such comments may often be sincere but I can't help but wonder if "but" is being used to cancel out all the good things that were just said.